I have taken in my 12 yr old great nephew for the summer. He is ADHD and although not officially diagnosed.... bipolar and oppositional defiant. (I personally don't think he is bipolar or ODD. I think his mother just hasn't set any boundaries for him and doesn't follow through with consequences)

He was sent to me by order of the judge. This is his last chance or he goes into Foster Care. He has been arrested for stealing and most recently he took an air soft pellet gun to school (after hours) and was playing with it and has been charged with aggravated assault because a counselor from another school across the street saw him. That's his background...

My problem: I know he took $10 from a kid at church during youth group and has been taking my combs for some odd reason. Anyway, he is away at Scout Camp this week but I have to deal with the theft when he gets home.

When he was approached about the combs, of course he didn't do it. :rolleyes: I happened to buy combs especially for him, my other children don't use them but yet the entire package is now missing. So now I need to approach him on the $10. He was abused physically and verbally as a child by his stepfather but plays the "victim" role way too much.

My own children would sob if I caught them in a lie and always fess up. This one.... a smooth operator. What would be a creative way to approach him on it? I know without a doubt he did it but I can't force him to confess. I am trying to figure out how to set a consequence anyway so he gets the message that I know he did it and he better not do it again.

Any suggestions?

I know its not much, but have you taken a look at his diet? What food category is he craving? There may be some serious food allergies going on. Mine ended up having a dairy allergy and has been dairy free and med free for three weeks. Great book to read if you can is "Healing the New Childhood Epidemics, the 4-A disorders, ADHD, Asthma, Austism and Allergies) My childs life has turned completley around since doing the dairy elimination diet.
I'm not here to advertise but overstock.com had it the cheapest.

Maybe he's a cleptomaniac. Maybe they won't put him in foster care if he has that.

StuggliesWife, if you know beyond a doubt that nephew took the combs and the money, then proceed as you would if you caught him red-handed. Let him know that you know he took them and what he needs to do to correct the mistake.

It’s going to be hard to gain his trust if you are accusing him of something he didn’t do. I mean you are pretty sure he took the combs but do you have proof? If you don’t have solid proof you are risking the possibility that he is innocent.



He has been through a lot. He doesn’t feel like he has solid ground anywhere, like he doesn’t belong and isn’t wanted.

You said you bought the combs for him; your other kids don’t use them, so why make an issue out of it. It’s not that important. I do agree about the money issue.



I grew up as a foster child; I was in over 30 before I was 13.

I know what kind of a mess his mind must be in.

I know what it feels like to be accused of something I didn’t do and the trust I lost.



I also know the best foster parents are the ones that were patient and kind, even when my anger was way out of control. Just love him, make him feel like he is one of your own and even extra. It will take some time, but it will be worth it.



What ever you do don’t compare him to your other children; he will be crushed by this. Obviously they have different values at this point so don’t even mention it.



Love him unconditionally. When he messes up, help him fix the problem.

If he took the money, chances are he won’t have it when he gets home.

So give him some chores to do to earn ten dollars. Have him write an apology letter and give it and the money to the kid. If you can do this with out making a scene the whole family knows about it will be even better, he will trust you even more that way. Tell him about a time you stole something when you were a kid and how you felt.



Just don’t yell at him, or scold him. He made a mistake, help him fix it.



I don’t know if this helps, Im just going by what I went through when I was a kid. He just needs to feel wanted, needed as a family member, and loved unconditionally.



You have a hard job. I think you are amazing for doing this, most people wouldn’t so that just shows the heart you have.

<O:p</O:p

Oh and don’t be afraid to hug him and hold on for a minute. For no reason at all, just give him hugs.

<O:p</O:p
<O:p</O:p



I have taken in my 12 yr old great nephew for the summer. He is ADHD and although not officially diagnosed.... bipolar and oppositional defiant. (I personally don't think he is bipolar or ODD. I think his mother just hasn't set any boundaries for him and doesn't follow through with consequences)

He was sent to me by order of the judge. This is his last chance or he goes into Foster Care. He has been arrested for stealing and most recently he took an air soft pellet gun to school (after hours) and was playing with it and has been charged with aggravated assault because a counselor from another school across the street saw him. That's his background...

My problem: I know he took $10 from a kid at church during youth group and has been taking my combs for some odd reason. Anyway, he is away at Scout Camp this week but I have to deal with the theft when he gets home.

When he was approached about the combs, of course he didn't do it. :rolleyes: I happened to buy combs especially for him, my other children don't use them but yet the entire package is now missing. So now I need to approach him on the $10. He was abused physically and verbally as a child by his stepfather but plays the "victim" role way too much.

My own children would sob if I caught them in a lie and always fess up. This one.... a smooth operator. What would be a creative way to approach him on it? I know without a doubt he did it but I can't force him to confess. I am trying to figure out how to set a consequence anyway so he gets the message that I know he did it and he better not do it again.

Any suggestions?

Well, I disagree he should be coddled and "just loved". Of course he is loved but unfortunately that's how most manipulators are born. Oh don't hurt the poor child's feelings. Nope. I have never subscribed to that kind of parenting.

On the off, off, off, chance I am wrong and he didn't take it, an apology would certainly be made to him but I know he did it and he needs to make it right. To give him the 'benefit of the doubt' is letting him think he is getting away with something. It needs to be nipped. The poor 'he is just a kid, he had a hard life, give him some slack' doesn't work with me. Because of his past, he needs to work even harder to break some habits and needs to be held accountable.

If this were a one time offense I would talk about it with him and go a little easier but he has a history of theft. He has been sent to Juvenile Detention because of theft. He has to work harder to prove he didn't. I don't have to work hard to prove he did.

I am sure I will come up with something.

If your own children had stolen something, how would you handle that? Then do just that to your nephew. I have, on occasion, punished my 7 year old because I know he has done something, but he wasn't caught red handed. Sometimes the evidence left behind is what convicts a person, not being caught in the act.

I would also sit down with the family, explain the house rules, and what happens when they are broken. Then apply this evenly accross the board. Sure, your nephew has a past and some bad habbits that he needs to break, but if you are comming down harder on him then your own children that won't make things better, it'll make them worse. But he needs to know that certain behavior is not tolerated no matter what. If he doesn't learn it now, he'll learn it soon enough, when the stakes are much higher.

I think I would be harder on my own. I have different expectations I guess.

I have decided to sit him down and tell him because of his past behaviors, the finger pointing will go to him and it is up to him to prove he DIDN'T. He got himself into that position and it's up to him to get himself out and earn trust again.

http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/attent.htm

The need for attention

Human beings are social creatures and need social interaction, feedback, and validation of their worth. The emotionally mature person doesn't need to go hunting for these; they gain it naturally from their daily life, especially from their work and from stable relationships. Daniel Goleman calls emotional maturity emotional intelligence, or EQ; he believes, and I agree, that EQ is a much better indicator of a person's character and value than intelligence quotient, or IQ.

The emotionally immature person, however, has low levels of self-esteem and self-confidence and consequently feels insecure; to counter these feelings of insecurity they will spend a large proportion of their lives creating situations in which they become the centre of attention. It may be that the need for attention is inversely proportional to emotional maturity, therefore anyone indulging in attention-seeking behaviours is telling you how emotionally immature they are.

Attention-seeking behaviour is surprisingly common. Being the centre of attention alleviates feelings of insecurity and inadequacy but the relief is temporary as the underlying problem remains unaddressed: low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and consequent low levels of self-worth and self-love.

Insecure and emotionally immature people often exhibit bullying behaviours, especially manipulation and deception. These are necessary in order to obtain attention which would not otherwise be forthcoming. Bullies and harassers have the emotional age of a young child and will exhibit temper tantrums, deceit, lying and manipulation to avoid exposure of their true nature and to evade accountability and sanction. This page lists some of the most common tactics bullies and manipulators employ to gain attention for themselves.






Of course this page is referring to grown people, and to bullies in particular.


http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/publication_store/your_child_conduct_disorders


Excerpts from Your Child on Conduct Disorder

Children misbehave for a variety of different reasons. Perhaps they don't understand the rules, they feel they need to assert their own autonomy, or maybe they wish to test the limits imposed on them. However, some children misbehave because they are experiencing internal distress: anger, frustration, disappointment, anxiety, or sorrow. The younger a child is, the more likely he is to call attention to his distress through his behavior. As a child matures, however, there is an expectation that he will be increasingly able to resolve much of his distress on his own and will express his feelings through words rather than outwardly directed misbehavior.

There are also children, however, whose behavior is consistently troubling to others. In these cases, the children's behaviors are outside of the range of what is considered normal or acceptable for their level of development. Perhaps most alarming is that many of these children show little remorse, guilt, or understanding of the damage and the pain inflicted by their behavior.

Increasingly, we read stories in the newspapers of children who routinely set fires, torture animals, or torment other children. We hear of young children who join gangs and cruise the streets, terrorizing others. In extreme cases, there are those who physically, sexually, or murderously assault others.

When their behavior is extreme and highly disturbed, the temptation is to dismiss these children as scary, lost, or bad to the core. Increasingly, there is a tendency to relegate them to the criminal or juvenile justice system. Yet, by doing so, we may overlook the fact that some of these children have serious underlying emotional disorders.

Conduct disorder is the most frequently diagnosed childhood disorder in outpatient and inpatient mental health facilities. It is estimated that 6 percent of all children have some form of conduct disorder, which is far more common in boys then in girls.

The earlier a child displays extremely disturbed behavior, the worse the likely outcome. Some studies report that high levels of activity and unmanageable behaviors at the age of four anticipate behavioral problems in later school years. This is the best time to intervene. Behavioral problems at eight are reliable predictors of adolescent aggression. Many of the underlying causes of childhood behavioral problems, including family violence and abuse, can be prevented or successfully managed. It's important to look beyond obvious negative behaviors to identify underlying biological, emotional, or social vulnerabilities that might be present and treatable.

Some good stuff on that page, too. HTH!

StruggliesWife, what you've come up with sounds perfectly fine to me! Some kids need coddled, some need a kick in the butt. This child sounds like he needs a kick in the butt.

After all, a past record WILL be held against him in real life, so he'd better get used to it. They do send kids to Juvie for theft if the courts get involved, and honestly he isn't that many years away from being charged as an adult for his actions.

Hmmm.... since he seems to be practicing being a thief (you said theft was an ongoing problem with him), how about he gets to practice being in jail for a while? You could take everything out of his room for a while, except a plain bed with sheets and blankets. He gets one book a day, from a selection you present. His clothing is chosen by you - it's the plainest stuff he owns. No shoelaces. Boring food, served on a tray in his room at the time you decide. Lights on and lights off when you decide. One hour of exercise, one hour of TV (channel is chosen by you). Etc. For $10 and a package of combs, 2 - 4 days might do it.

Perhaps that would help. Even if it doesn't, at least he won't freak out the first time the police catch him stealing and put him in jail overnight...

You could also search on Google for Foster Parent support boards. Foster parents deal with this type of behavior all the time, as kids do learn things like theft and lying as survival tactics when they had to live with parents who did not treat them correctly in their early years. Foster parents have bulletin boards like this one where they can exchange tips and tricks. If you can't find any, PM me and I'll send you my list.