I believe my boyfriend has ADD. A week ago Friday, I e-mailed an ADD Coach on how I might bring this up to my boyfriend while being sensitive to his feelings. Friday is also the same day that I last heard from my boyfriend. Why? I don't know!

My only speculation is that he read my e-mail, and is deeply hurt or angry. He has avoided my calls and texts, and I have absolutely no idea why because he has not communicated with me what is wrong.

This has happened several times in the past as well. When he is upset with something, he suddenly withdraws from me and turns into a different person. I try to ask him what's wrong, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He expects me to know what the problem is.

His loving sweet Self disappears, and he has even called me names.

I'm trying to understand his behavior. How do ADDers deal with anger/frustration?

Thank you much.

Welcome Red Flower. I have ADHD myself, and I can offer you this: ADDers deal with anger in as many ways as different people can deal with anger. To withdraw, to project our anger onto others, to go on the offensive, all of these may be done by an ADDer and also by people who do not have ADHD.

Undiagnosed ADDers can be very frustrated individuals...there is some undefinable thing terribly wrong and it is out of our control. This makes the wick on our tempers very short, indeed.

We may attack rather quickly, especially those of us who are impulsive. We have a tendency to say whatever comes to mind without thinking things through or censoring ourselves. We often do not even mean what we say at those moments, but once the words are out we cannot take them back. This cycle can lead us to feel like terrible failures, leading to depression and feelings of worthlessness...and then the cycle repeats itself, like some grim battle.

Thos of us who are very inattentive may miss things constantly, and may not even be responding to what is actually going on. Our systems overload very quickly, and then we get...well, we get angry, at ourselves and the people around us. This tendency makes no sense to us or to others, but when it cannot be helped it just causes the same type of cycle I mentioned above.

Hyperactive types may not be able to sit still through even a short conversation, and even then they may fidget...giving the impression that they are not listening at all. Many of us have to fidget to focus at all, but this is not how a non-ADDer would act, and so we offend without meaning to. The other person gets angry and lets us know that, and we feel rejected for what we cannot help, and once again we are back to that cycle of anger.

Add to that the most common type of ADHD is a combination type of some or all of the above and you get a real problem on your hands.

This is just what popped into my own head at this time of night, when I myself am unmedicated and inclined to just blurt things out. :o I am sure there is more, and I am sure there is a lot I have missed. I just felt an impulse to respond to you, so that you did not feel as though you were all alone on this night.

I may be back or I may not be, but either way I am sure you will get many replies, and I wish you luck.

C~F

Thank you for the insight CF. I have sensed something peculiar in my boyfriend's behavior since I've known him. Does anyone have any insight into how I might bring ADD up to him? And for the time being, do I wait until he calls me? I've called/texted for the first few days, but have stopped so that he could have some space.

Do ADDults ever feel they are unworthy of love because of their diagnosis--could my boyfriend feel ashamed of it?

Do ADDults ever feel they are unworthy of love because of their diagnosis--could my boyfriend feel ashamed of it?Oh certainly! Depression runs high in the ADDult. Anybody would be depressed after X number of years of being told "Try harder! Pay attention!" when they know perfectly well that they ARE trying, and trying very, very hard...yet they still, somehow, cannot pay attention. Those negative messages become internalized and soon enough, we feel stupid, worthless, damaged. And at the same time, we are aware that there are times when we can pay excellent attention.

Take the ADDer who has managed to get by on innate intelligence, for example. Finding out that you may have ADHD may trigger a feeling of being a fraud: "Well, I got great grades and have a good job...I cannot have this disorder. I must just be a rotten, miserable example of humanity instead".

Maybe laying some info about ADHD around the house that he can just discover on his own might help? Maybe lay some on or near the toilet :D...lots of people read on the commode and its certainly private! He may have to come to that realization on his own, ya know? Maybe print out a copy of an internet "test" of ADHD symptoms. Maybe he will look at that and become curious, then ask to find the results. Then again, he may be the type that will resent so much as the implication. I really don't know :( and wish I could offer some magickal advice that works for all ADDers.

I personally felt an overwhelming sense of relief when I was diagnosed: "Ahah! So THAT is what has been wrong all this time!!". I was glad to know that I was not some freak who was clearly intelligent yet could not keep my act together. I made no sense, even to myself, then suddenly it all made sense! It was awesome. :)

The only two things I have to add to the previous post is

If saying mean things impulsively when angered is a typical pattern your boyfriend he may be wanting to distance himself from you until he has had time to cool off.

Even diagnosed and medicated I will distance myself from loved ones when in a bad mood or angry have not reached the point where I am ready to be constructive with my feelings. I with draw to protect them from the verbal abuse I know I am capable of dishing out.


the second thing is many people do not really know what ADD is. When Gary and I first got together he thought it was some type of brain damage as in "retarded" or stupid. . . . . .it was actually comical trying to watch him try to worm his way out of that impulsive comment. . . . . .he is Mr I ain't got no ADHD.

So he may not realize you are trying to address some problem behavior but may see this instead as accusing him of being weird or retarded.

Also us ADDers need our space. Before I was diagnosed and began treating my ADD I would react but not really be able to communicate to others what it was I was reacting to. I can verbalize my feelings and need for space now but it took years of behavior modifications and medications for me to reach the point where I could better communicate my feelings.

Weather he has ADD or not verbal abuse should not be tolerated, name calling is an unacceptable and unhealthy way of dealing with others especially when angry.

Crazy Feet and Meadd, your comments explain so much! My man is one incredible man, and he has confidence and drive in his inner ability to get great things done. He owns his own business and he has been very successful off of humble beginings.

At the same time I know he sufferes from low self-confidence...something that I haven't been able to put my finger on, but something I know that he doesn't need to feel. He's referred to himself as being really "bad," or "f-ed up."

Leaving info around is a good idea CF..

OMGosh Meadd,

You shed light on something that has been bothering me greatly since the begining of my relationship. When my boyfriend is angry, he withdraws and doesn't tell me what's wrong. I have been SSOOOOO stressed out about this particular behavior, because as a Communications Major, I strongly believe and promote healthy dialogue during times of trouble. I have not been able to understand why he just doesn't want to work on his communication issues, and until now I believed that he just "didn't get it."

Also, I blamed a lot of our troubles on his "anger issue," and have wished time after time he would seek therapy or anger management for his issues. My point is, I thought that these (communication, anger, etc..) were things that he could change himself but was unwilling to do so. ADD brings a new light onto my situation.

Can you tell me more about what goes on with you when you are angry at your partner?

My boyfriend has told me that he has to leave me, because he doesn't want to subject me to his anger, or his dark side. He has referred to this "dark side" and the "bad" in him several times. Is that something you felt you had before you knew it was because of ADD?

How long was your relationship?

1 year, 1 month. Lived with him for about 9 months, and moved out to salvage the relationship because it was hard for me to co-exist with some of his behaviors. But ADD explains so much of it and I'm totally willing to stand by him!

Better be subtle about "leaving stuff around" or he'll think you're diagnosing him. Also depends on how mature you both are. I'm kind of glad I came to discover ADD later in life when I could cope with it. It has not made things any easier for my partner though.

Going silent isn't a ADD+ trait....its a human one....open dialogue is one thing...but pushing for it in times of stress is a double edged sword when dealing with highly impulsive people. One reason ADD+ people may withdraw is that its a learned behaviour after "openness" screwed up......and BOY do I know that.

One piece of advice...love him for who he is now, not for who he could be

I believe my boyfriend has ADD. A week ago Friday, I e-mailed an ADD Coach on how I might bring this up to my boyfriend while being sensitive to his feelings. Friday is also the same day that I last heard from my boyfriend. Why? I don't know!

My only speculation is that he read my e-mail, and is deeply hurt or angry. He has avoided my calls and texts, and I have absolutely no idea why because he has not communicated with me what is wrong.

This has happened several times in the past as well. When he is upset with something, he suddenly withdraws from me and turns into a different person. I try to ask him what's wrong, but he doesn't want to talk about it. He expects me to know what the problem is.

His loving sweet Self disappears, and he has even called me names.

I'm trying to understand his behavior. How do ADDers deal with anger/frustration?

Thank you much.
One of the biggest ways I deal with my anger is just to get away from everyone and put some space between me and people. I either put on my earphones, and turn up the music loud, or just do some writing. this has not always been the case. there have been many many times that i would take it out on all my family members and say things that were not nice at all. It took me a while to be able to just step back and look at things. I still struggle with that now, but atleast I can see the waarning signs coming. Also i have been lucky that I have had a wife willing to stand by me.

open dialogue is one thing...but pushing for it in times of stress is a double edged sword when dealing with highly impulsive people. One reason ADD+ people may withdraw is that its a learned behaviour after "openness" screwed up......and BOY do I know that.

Yeppers you hit the nail on the head.

I know when I feel pressured inside I get easily frustrated and Lord only knows what will fly out of my mouth. . . . .if you talk to me I will talk back but what I say when frustrated will be any thing but healthy communication. I will often with draw because the kind of communication I will engage in will be less healthy than the silence. Before I was medicated if tried to explain even briefly I would get mad all over again and the ugly would shoot out of me like volcanic lava. . . . .so I learned through many experiences is it is often best to keep my mouth shut and distance myself until such a time I am able to act like a decent human being.

I don't really get mad often but when I do I have a very mean temper complete with sharp tongue. I have a way of knowing exactly what will hurt someone I love and will use it in an attempt to be given the distance I know I need. Before knowing about my ADD I would simply take off because it was the only way to spare my loved ones the emotional drama of having every flaw or mistake harshly pointed out to them. After I began treating my ADD I was able to communicate briefly that I need space to deal with my emotions . . . .but if Gary continues to prod I will explode. . . .and it is not a pretty sight.

Gary is also ADD but my explosions and verbal assaults are extreme enough to deter some one who is my own kind I would probably completely blow away some one who does not understand verbal impulsiveness combined with a natural knack for sarcasm and the long term memory of an elephant.

With draw is a form of communication it communicates the need for space and distance for some of us it is the best form of communication we have to offer when the internal pressure cooker is on over load.

Wow..every day I log onto this Forum and am continually amazed at how much you guys put into helping each other out--me included. Thanks so much everyone.

So what I'm getting, is that withdrawing may actually BE the healthy way of communicating for ADDers. That's like a 500watt lightbulb going off in my head.. And all this time I viewed it as something negative.. I'm so thankful for all of your insights..

Question about long term memory: Do you remember the negative things (fights in a relationship, times you've been hurt) all the time? Is there ever complete forgiveness or is pain really carried on forever? My boyfriend holds grudges like you can't imagine (or maybe you can, sorry..), and he knows it.

So what I'm getting, is that withdrawing may actually BE the healthy way of communicating for ADDers

For some of us it is often the best way to avoid saying things that we will regret later

We also must learn how to physically control aspects of our ADD. . . we use physical coping methods to compensate for our inability to mentally direct our attention span. Even on medications when Gary is watching TV I have to use head phones if I am going to write some thing like this post. I still can not completely filter out the conversations on his TV so I have learned to employ physical means of filtering out the un-necessary stimuli.

I listen to instrumental music over head phones that cover my ears completely which provides the stimuli filter I need to be able to concentrate on what I am writing. Your boyfriend can not will himself to defocus or shift his focus away from his anger judging by what you have said he is unable to disengage long enough to attended other things like your feelings, his options in coping, balancing his check book. . . . He leaves because he can not disengage mentally so he is coping by disengaging physically. He is distencing himself to avoid saying things/ doing things he will fell bad about later Leaving is one of the most effectve means of accomplishing this goal.



Question about long term memory

Some ADDers complain of having long term memory problems while others have excellent long term memories. I have a very good long term memory and can re-call with surprising detail for years and years. . .but remembering an event isn't the same thing has holding a grudge because it went badly. Just because I remember some thing does mean I am still carrying around the anger. Once I have said my piece I pretty well get over it and get on with my life. I always kid around and say I don't have the attention span to hold a grudge.

The grudges thing is an individual behavior . Remember although most of us have ADD our ADD interact with our individual personality temperament and history. Even ADDers with the same back ground will respond differently to the emotional of anger.

Two of my daughters are twins they were reared by the same parent and both have ADD. One daughter will hold a grudge for decades like her non-ADD father, while the other twin is handles it more liek I do. . . once the problem is resolved she will move on although it takes her longer to get over stuff then it does me she doesn't remain angry for ever. . . ., my oldest daughter is also ADD and she is exactly like me in temperament she doesn’t bother holding grudges at all.

I am assuming by your post you do not have ADD, this means that you can filter stimuli both in-coming and out going. Maybe a brief explanation of exactly what ADD is to me may help you understand which behaviors are ADD and which ones are your boy friends individual responses, temperament and personal style.

ADD boredom aversion = what we do in a boring under stimulating situating often is determined by our ADD sub-type as well as our personally.

We ADDers keep looking for some thing to concentrate on . . . . but the major problems are caused by a faulty stimuli filtering valve.

ADD hyper active / impulsive sub-type - have a filtering valve that is almost non-existent because it is stuck in the wide open position. We are normally distracted by external stimuli although moist do also complain of having constant noise and chatter inside our head as well.

Most people who have impulsive/hyperactive ADD traits can't filter any thing out. Life constantly bombards us we can not filter out the neighbors argument so we can balance our check book, we can not will our selves to tune out the conversation at the next table so we can hear our companion speak. . . .every stimuli no matter now insignificant competes for our attention. . . . and we can not simply will our selves to pay attention to one thing while ignore all the others.

This is why we often appear impulsive. . . .and can often become easily frustrated. In reality we are no more irritable than any one else. We simply appear that way because our brains are constantly trying to process every little piece of stimuli and keep up with the constant chatter in our heads Without treatment we can't do a damn thing to make it stop. Some of us who lean to the hyperactive side of things find relief in physical movement.


Inattentive ADDers - has a filtering valve that snaps shut completely. The people who have this sub-type usually complain about tuning out or being distracted by day dreams and random thoughts, they are distracted by their internal environment. They have a stimuli filter valve that filters out every thing.

It is my personal theory that their brain tries to filter out un-necessary stimuli but it ends up filter out all the stimuli even the very thing they are trying to pay attention to.

Inattentive ADDers do not want to tune out during the directions to your house, many times they do not even know they have tuned out until they have tuned back in and realized time had moved forward without them. Inattentive ADDer often complain of having to exert a lot of mental energy to simply remain mentally aware of what is going on around them. Inattentives are often accused of not caring because they don't seem to be able to get out of their head long enough to hear an entire five minute conversation and they will often miss request, important piece of information during these blinks where there filtering valve snapped shut. Without treatment their isn't a damn thing they can do to make it stop, the filtering valve is not under their conscious control any more than the hyperactive ADDers.

A majority of the ADD population have what is called combined ADD which mean the alternate between the inattentive ADD and the impulsive or have symptoms of both.

I hope this has helped you understand how ADD effects our ability consciously control our attention span. I have one more little item which may help you understand your boy friend issues with focusing on the negative.

As you can see by my explanation we can not consciously control our direction of focus nor do we have the ability to control the length of time our attention span engages. . . . .most outsider only see where we don't pay attention long enough or concentrate long enough but many miss the flip side to this attention span circus.

ADDers often have as much problem disengaging our attention as we do engaging it. This means we can have just as much of a problem hyper focusing as we do with being distracted. Hyper focusing is a term used by many to describe the inability to shift our focus or disengage our attention span.

Our attention span is driven by interest just like your is, you pay more attention to things you are interested in but being neurotypical you can shift your attention away from some thing you are interested in so you can focus on some thing you find less interesting but feel is more important. We can not do this naturally.

Anger, conflict ect increase our arousal thus increase our ability to pay attention and hone in our focus. Some ADDers are attracted to conflict because it is stimulating and allows the noise in the wandering brain to decrease or stop completely. An analogy

You have four children constantly talking non-stop nothing you did would make them stop. . . .they often competed with each other for your attention and became frustrated and yelled louder when you tried to pay attention to some thing else like the directions to friend new house.

Okay now let say a bomb explodes thus surprising these chattering children enough for them to shut up for a short time. Do you not think the brief reprieve would be like a relief. . . . conflict for some ADDers not participating in ADD treatment is like that exploding bomb that temporarily shut up the chattering children. . . . . this is also why man ADDers are good in emergency situations or appear calmest in the midst of chaos. . . .


Many ADDers avoid conflict all together because it makes the chatter louder or causes anxiety on their already maxed out brain. . . we each respond in our own individual ways to our inability to pay attention however we all have one thing in common . . . we depend upon external stimuli to help us control our attention span and our direction of focus because the internal one that comes naturally to you doesn't exist for us.