Since I started taking adderall I really feel like my thinking is clearer. I am noticing things about myself, my enviornment, other people that I have never before noticed. Its like I was sleep walking through my life, or living in a day dream.

Adderall really helps me with my memory, even after it wears off. Its as if when adderall is working, it opens the gates to my long term memory. When not on adderall, my long term memory is locked far far away.

Anyway, I dont have health care anymore, and I have been trying to study without adderall and its just horrible. I memorize something, and then move on and its already forgotten. I literally forget it within 10 seconds. BAH VEERRRYYY Upsetting.

I feel like I am useless. I am just a body capable of living my life in a routine I have always lived. If I want to change routine, learn something new, do something different - I am not capable of these things.

I have spent hours looking for alternatives to adderall, trying to discover how I can activate my PFC or dopamine system...anything. Nothing works. I am to the point now where I am ready to start smoking something illeagle to focus.

Seriously ADDpeople, how can I live my life and make the accomplishments I want to make if I cannot even focus my own damned brain!!!

Seriously ADDpeople, how can I live my life and make the accomplishments I want to make if I cannot even focus my own damned brain!!!
A bit of forgiving, lots of patience to understand what it means to have ADD... :)

I can relate to your frustration and anger over a lack of progress in life. You certainly can live your life and do the things you want. But go easy on yourself when you can't focus or can't seem to get it together. That's not you, that's the ADD. See what I mean? You take what you got and then build from there. It's like those folks who have no hands, so they do everything with their feet. :D They compensate and work around the 'hiccup' so to speak.

I'm not sure what you can do about the medication situation. :( Hopefully there is a way for you to access it, because they make such a difference. But there are folks here who have chosen not to take medication, so you might want to look into ways of managing your ADD without drugs.

Good luck.

I understand what you are saying Michiko074, but I will not accept a life below what I desire simply because I cannot figure a way to get myself to focus. Its driving me insane, I sit down to read and my brain starts...You arent gonna remember this, you never do.

What really ****es me off is I know its right. I know I need adderall, which is fine if I had regular access to it. Its fine if I didnt run out, go crazy at work and lose my job for lack of patience and impulsiveness. What kind of person lets his own brain run amok?

Not me, I will find a way to get my screwed up dopamine to work. If I dont, I have no choice but to fail in life. Whats the alternative when all the jobs I want require higher education and this is impossible to attain without a working brain!

Wow, I am so sorry you feel so bad about having an incurable brain difference. Currently, there is no cure for ADHD, but it also lends a few gifts to us that NTs seem not to have. Its in the way that you use it, so to speak.

Whats an NT? yes, I am upset at the fact that I have a screwed up brain that I must take medications to make work properly. Its no different than someone who suffers from narcolepsy and must take huge amounts of stimulants just to stop from passing out while walking. It SUCKS.

Personally I think its bogus that billions of dollars go into medical research and yet somehow amoungst all the highly educated doctors, mensa members, college grads, and millions ofhours of research, there is no cure for so many major diseases. Makes me wonder if the drug companies are out only to gain repete business by TREATING what could be cured...

I understand what you are saying Michiko074, but I will not accept a life below what I desire simply because I cannot figure a way to get myself to focus. Its driving me insane, I sit down to read and my brain starts...You arent gonna remember this, you never do.

What really ****es me off is I know its right. I know I need adderall, which is fine if I had regular access to it. Its fine if I didnt run out, go crazy at work and lose my job for lack of patience and impulsiveness. What kind of person lets his own brain run amok?

Not me, I will find a way to get my screwed up dopamine to work. If I dont, I have no choice but to fail in life. Whats the alternative when all the jobs I want require higher education and this is impossible to attain without a working brain!
You claim you understand what it means to have ADD, but I'm not sure if that understanding is reflected in your response. It isn't the lack of will that is causing you to fail. It's a bio-chemical response, which is what the medication helped you out with.

I applaud you for being so determined. I think that drive will lead to have many successes. And I would never suggest for a moment that you accept second best or subject your self to a life of misery. All I am saying is that you need to work with your ADD, and not against it.

There is no 'secret' or some magic trick that is going to suddenly make your brain focus. It's trying and testing a variety of coping mechanims and finding one (or several) that works for you.

2Busy2Think, have you checked this out re: financial assistance for meds?

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=432349#post432349

I can understand your frustration 2Busy2Think, I have had nearly 40 years of it.... I am fortunate that my medication has helped a lot to put a barier between me & my anger :) Helps keep my depression under control too. I was like you - I always tried to just crash through on sheer willpower, which did not work for me. I was fortunate to get a toehold in a low level job when I crashed out of uni then managed to move into a slightly higher level.

Finding out that there was a genuine physical reason for the concentration & application problems meant that I did not have to keep belting myself up with "just pull yourself together, you can do better than this" etc etc and concentrate on finding things I can do to make things easier. I am not saying that I have suddenly become "just like everybody else" (who would want to be like everyone else?:p ) but I am able to compete on a more level playing field than I was on before. I look at it as if I no longer have a blindfold on me trying to navigate a tricky maze. I agree with Michiko, to make the most of life you need to work with your ADD, not against it. That is how both you and I have ended up in our respective situations -trying to crash through on determination. But I think it can be a positive thing to have strong willpower & ADD - tomorrow I am enrolling in the course I wanted to when I returned to uni and I will be able to use in it both of the 2 talents I have identified that I have.

I hope you can draw something of my experience & hope that things get better for you.