View Full Version : Introducing myself... from Victoria, BC


Luthien
07-08-07, 08:52 PM
Hi all

I just recently found out about ADD. I knew a thing or two about AD*H*D though (referring to the hyperactive form) - I knew two people with ADHD kids, but never would have thought that whatever ailed those little busybodies would apply to me. Until a couple of weeks ago, when someone showed me a piece that she had written about her ADD / inattentive type. At first, not much happened apart from a funny feeling of recognition. Then, a week later, I re-read it, and again, and again, and then the quarter dropped, or, rather, a whole avalanche of quarters.

I talked with her, and looked on the internet for more information about ADD / inattentive type, DSM-IV etcetera. A *complete* fit. I chatted with my ex-girlfriend in the Netherlands (I immigrated to Canada some 3 yrs ago). Coincidence: the 6 yr old daughter of a friend of hers is suspected to have ADD as well and therefore she just had read up a lot about the subject and pointed me to a Dutch website. I cannot even describe what it did to me to read everything there. It was shocking and revealing at the same time. She said to me: "you know, that would explain a lot" - referring to the conflicts we used to have all the time in our 10 yr relationship: my inattentiveness, never being able to really concentrate on the daily chores and financial administration things, lack of energy, spacing out, being totally absorbed in things that she could never relate to and in which she could not reach me, forgetful, insecure, whatnot. She has, so often, asked me: "Is it that you can't do it - or that you dont want it?" to which I always promised to better myself, did my utmost best and failed again weeks later. Eventually this caused the end of the relationship, despite the love that was still there for the both of us. The pattern has been there all my life, and I thought there was just some deep fatal flaw within me and really, to be honest, I had given up.

The same thing applies to academic and job achievements. Although recognised as gifted (percentile 100) I dreamt my school away and started failing when I reached puberty. It had always been my dream to become a scientist, I was - and am - totally in love with the universe and desperately wanted to become an astronomer. Just judging by IQ I could have done it, but I failed miserably in later highschool and university, totally panicky if I could not follow the manner in which the subject matter - math mostly - was presented. I dropped out and a long and miserable search started. I did some other studies, a lot of jobs, moved like 20 times, had two anxiety disorder / depressed episodes, went through 3 failed relationships and finally found myself here in Canada. My last ex-gf really helped me though, she has boosted my self-confidence enough to made me apply for a retraining course program to become a computer programmer and that is what I have been doing the last 8 years. I can manage that reasonably well - as long as I don't have to attend meetings which drive me totally crazy - because programming is such a great target for hyperfocussing on to.

But there is a pervasive sense of loss of direction and a deep sadness because I have not reached even a shadow of my potential. Really, I had given up. Totally. And now I found out that there is a reason for all this. That there is a reason that I felt different even as a 6 yr old and longed so bad to be recognised that it hurt physically. Sheesh.

The recognition that I have experienced now is as well scary as comforting. For the first time in my life I realise that I can stop beating myself up, and actually allowing myself to calm down and and accept myself for what I am. Maybe I might actually start *liking* myself one day. Wouldn't that be something.

I am going to see a specialist soon, and I hope he can help me out a bit.

Thanks for listening.

Crazy~Feet
07-08-07, 09:01 PM
Welcome to ADDF!