This may or may not be the right place to post this, as it will be kind of a rambling mess. I really dont know if it is just the fact I am sitting on my pitty pot once again. in advance thank you all for putting up with it. this forum means a lot to me. It has helped in so many ways.
first off I am so sick of being lonely. I do not know why I seem to drive people away from me but the fact is I really dont have any friends to speak of. I have no one that calls just to say hi or to see what I am up to. No invites to go out spend time or what ever. I really cant remember the last time I got a call like that. Truly I am not exaggerating here, I really dont have any one calling me. the only thing I really do for fun is being on my computer. I often wonder if it is my humur, my bad puns, or is it my sarcasim that puts people off. I know that at many times I can be opinionated and that I really dont know when to shut up at time. My social skills suck big time. To me this seems so out of place because I have to work with people every day and I get along with my consumers very well but outside of that nothing. For example at my work on the 27th my coworkers are planning a get together after work and no one has invited me. the only way I know about is is that I have over heard them talking about it. I have invited my coworkers to a pool party at my parents about the same date, when I am taking care of their house, (yes my parents know and approve) I was told they dont get together at personal houses much, and then on the 27th is at one of my coworkers house. that was like a slap in the face. It really hurt my feelings. Mabe I am just being overly sensitive once again i dont know. I just think at 45 I should not be feeling like such an outsider. I realy want to find out why I am like this but it always escapes me.
At work I am still second guessing myself if I am doing the right thing or not. Last friday a coworker of mine got let go. It was not a surprise to any of us as it was coming for a long time and the choices he was making were not the best ones. he is about 8 years older than I am, and well, sometimes I see that as my future. not being able to keep a job and moving from job to job. I know that I have not been written up once in this current job, (a personal record for me it seems after 9 months and no write ups.) But it seems sometimes I still make very bad decisions that I feel will catch up with me. So to compinsate I really really try to do the best that I can at work and go above and beyond. Well I am finding out that instead of seeing this as a positive, my coworkers feel I do it to brown nose and to suck up to the boss. So this may have something to do with the above, I dont know. I wonder if I should just come clean and admitt to why I do the above and beyond part or would that just be adding fuel to the flames?
Than k you all for giving me this outlet and letting me ramble. It does make me feel a little better, though I am sick of living in a bubble, watching the rest of the world go by.

Well I do not know how to help you, but I know how you feel. :(

Feeling deprived from the world sucks. :(

Well I am finding out that instead of seeing this as a positive, my coworkers feel I do it to brown nose and to suck up to the boss
If the oppertunity persents itself, I say just come out and tell them, "Hey guys, Listen I'm just trying to do my best at this job, etc, etc" a little "get off my back speach"

But really, I wouldn't worry about your coworkers too much, sometimes job situwations makes it hard to be friends with the people you work with.

So, maybe finding outher people outside of you work....eh?

I often wonder if it is my humur, my bad puns, or is it my sarcasim that puts people off.
Scarcasm is okay, but is bad puns something you do alot? I can kinda see how that can get aonnoying after a while,

(lol, im just trying to be frank, trust me I have a lot of things myslef that put people off, for example, today im only wearing two diffrenct kinds of shoes to the docters office because I feel like being less "normal" than everyone eles)

I have invited my coworkers to a pool party at my parents about the same date, when I am taking care of their house,
maybe they just felt uncomfortable about that sort of thing because its your parents house?

Btw, is there a age diffrence between you and your coworkers?

I mean, if these guys are 20~ish thier idea of a pull party is lots of beer, enoughf wine coolers for the loose girls they invite, trashing everything, and everyone...you get the idea...

It sucks for you, because obviousley you desire your coworkers approvil....I mean, you say things like "liveing in a bubble" "I get on the compuder for fun" so I think that means you spend most of your "social hours" at work...

possibey the underlined could be a isshue? not that there is anything wrong with it, but because maybe its takeing away from outer oppertunities?

anyway, I gotta get ready for the docs :p laterz

Lunaslobo, is there a co-worker you can trust to be bluntly honest with you that you could ask about how others perceive you at work?

Re: social gatherings with co-workers. I was starting to wonder why it seemed I was either the last one to find out or missed the sign-up deadline completely until people would tell me where and how long it was posted in the lunchroom, bulletin-board, newsletter, etc. I then realized it was just another expression of my ADHD and not noticing or dealing with things in a timely fashion. I even had two phone calls on my first week off asking if I was attending staff functions because I neglected to contact the organizers. :o

As middle age approaches, I find myself needing more down time after work. I thought there was something wrong with me until I started to hear the same thing from others of my age.

Hi lunas just want to give you some support. It breaks my heart to think that you are going through this. You are one of the people around here that I consider to be a really helpful, kind and warm influence. You're always so encouraging to others here. not mention creative too.:cool:

I am in the same place as you. I don't have any real friendships and it does get lonely. I have acquaintances and co-workers and a family and I assume that I'm pretty well liked but like you there are no invites. I don't understand it because everyone around me that I know has at least one really good friend. Both my sisters have amazing long time friendships and I am so jealous:mad:

Some of it has to do with me and my own quirkiness and habits. I don't make a real effort to create sustaining friendships. I'm so wrapped up in my own head and with day to day responsibilities that I don't call or pay enough attention to the few potential friends that I have ( or could have) made throughout the years.

I won't go into it too much because I could write a book but just wanted to acknowledge your feelings. Don't give up. There are some ways you can work on making friends. Do you feel like you could have a friendship with maybe one or two of your co-workers instead of the whole group? I know it's not easy but I really think that a lot of it has to do with how much we give of our selves (personally that is my biggest problem!)

Don't hesitate to send me a pm anytime if you feel like you'd like to talk more.:)

Hi Lunaslobo,
you're not alone...I'm 46 and the normal work environment drove me nuts, only now I've found out about ADD am I starting to get a handle on why.

Co-workers in the places I've worked were herd animals, and seemed to have this innate sense of people who are different and don't easily fit in..they're the zebras, I was something else that growled. They were also pretty conventional and found me challenging and difficult as I worked towards what I thought was the objective of the group......Now I realise my logic isn't the same as a NT type and the objectives of the group and its members were not as I saw them.....

I get on with intellectual creative types and understand that my preferred conversation type scares the hell out of most smalltalkers, mainly because it makes them think and challenges the groupthink rather than reinforcing it.

Most of the work socials I have attended were excruciating, count yourself lucky, even though company is what I crave it seems like the more I tried to fit in the more of an outsider I became.....most NT types are social chameleons whose only desire is to blend and fit with the group, learning and adopting its social mores, dress sense, codes and heirarchies. I'm not like that.....and become the elephant in the china shop with impulsive challenging conversations and behaviours, I am contrarian by nature, alwayslooking and dissecting reason and environment.

My view now is to attend such gatherings to search for the grains of gold......those very very few people that I click with.....and I have to meet many many people to find them.....but I know I'll miss them if I try to be a chameleon.

Best analogy, there are open people and closed people, open people are interested in their surroundings and the people around them, closed people are not...and the majority of people are closed......just look into their eyes and you can tell!

kilt

Makes for a tough and lonely life, damn near killed me as I had a few suicidal thoughts before I became ill and had to drop out for 6 months..

First off i want to say thank you all for your responses. they really help me a lot. :) I just have been really feeling left out these days.
maybe they just felt uncomfortable about that sort of thing because its your parents house?

Btw, is there a age diffrence between you and your coworkers?
well actully we are close in age. we range from about 25 to our oldest skills trainer at 54, i am 45 so I fall in the middle someplace and that seems to be aobut the age we are the most. between 40 - 54. so it is not that all the people are so much younger than I am.
Scarcasm is okay, but is bad puns something you do alot? I can kinda see how that can get aonnoying after a while,
I do use bad puns way to much and I have been really trying not to as often. but not just the bad buns but the bad jokes all together. but mainly the bad puns. I do think that may be the big reason i put people off.

Lunaslobo, is there a co-worker you can trust to be bluntly honest with you that you could ask about how others perceive you at work?
there was one but he was the one that was let go last week and really more than any thing that was the thing that realy pushed me in to my funk. I really see what has happend to him as kind of a future for me. and frankly that really scares me. to be still treadding water when I get into my 50's. Not having a true vison for what I will be doing for the rest of my life or even knowing if I will beable to support myself for the rest of my life. That is the biggest thing that scares me.
thank you all so much for this and letting me rant on and on. it truly helps and i am so gratefull for this place.

lunas, you give far more than you receive here. We're glad you're here.

I'm very much an outsider at work and I stand out even though I don't attempt to do so. One thing that I've learned to do, and it took me years to do, is to assume that others are acting under the extreme influence of group conformance. Thus... I have learned to take other's comments as simply trying to further satisfy the desire to conform and not actual reality. It's difficult to do because it's not my impulse to act in a way that blends in, but is often in reflection and afterthought that this is realized. Of course, my age makes me stand out (I'm probably the youngest person that works for my company, and far outside the standard deviation), and others appear to be outrageously competitive with me, often taking cheap shots at me.

It's difficult, however, the status of one's reflection does not paint a true picture... It's really something I tend to simply withdrawal from.

Work ethic is probably the number one target, irrespective of actual, in the games that others play on ADDers. People are very opportunistic about this one, sadly, especially since it doesn't necessarily get any more work done in the first place.

I stand out as the chatty Kathy {apologies to any one actually named Kathy} I am very open and friendly but I have a hard time forming close friendships. I am an extrovert but not necessarily an out going one although I used to be.

I know I lack friends because I do not take the opportunities that are presented. I have a couple of nurse's phone numbers, they are gals I used to work with and a few have called me a time or two. My difficulty in initializing a phone conversation is a stumbling block.

I am different and I know it but for the most part I am comfortable with this, and for some reason other seem to be become comfortable around me. I alway thought because I was weird people felt they could be more them selves and not have to live up to some preconceived notion of normal.

OKay bad jokes especially gender, racial or sexual ones are out of vogue unless you know some one really well even then not in public. Bad puns are they at the expense of others feelings? If bad puns are at teh expense of others this will normally not win friendships with any one worth bothering with. It is okay to be opinionated as long as you can handle other people's opinions as well, other wise you are seen as pushy and mean.

The pool invite probably was out of "sync", in other wards in the NTer social world there is like steps you got to take to get from here to there. You have to get to know some one little by little before you invite them to a personal place like your house{or your parents}.

Avoid looking at the group and look at individuals with in the group for some one who has similar interest or life situations. People tend to gravitate toward others that are similar enough for them to relate to.{we are all here= we relate to ADD} This is what you need to do if you are really interested in finding friendship. In order to do this you have to show interest in your fellow workers. . . . listening to them enough to get to know some thing about them as people. Getting to know some one is a gradual process which takes time and effort. ADDers often are too busy trying to keep their head above water to have the time or they like me lack the attention span to go through the process or fumble on follow through.

Just my quick take on this, I hope I have given some useful information.

Again I want to say thank you for the resonses I have gotten on here,:) they have helped very much. The last few days I have been doing a lot of soul searching and even though I know I will go thru some "stikin thinkin" again I have come up with some thoughts. The first is that yes my bad puns at work can get quite old, but hey that is who I am. I will try to curb some of them but I am the first to tell people to be true to yourself and that is who I am. The second one is that work is not a social club and mabe I try to hard to make it such, to try and force my personal life there. I really dont know, but there is a possibility of that and that may scare some away. I know I am good with the consumers I work with and that really does mean a lot to me. they do trust me and look to me to help them. That is what it is all about.

The second really big thing that really showed me something is my Daughters boyfriend. He moved up here from indiana on his own at the age of 18. My daughter met him thru a mutual friend he met on line. His parents really dont have much to do with him at all, due to some problems that would take pages to explain, but sufice to say he went thru a lot. He somehow got hold of a trailer to live in for a while but no money. his dad a truck driver came and seen the trailer and did nothing. I seen it once and knew if he was my son I would do anything to get him out. well he has a very small efficiancy apartment, a full time job at a factory(not real good pay but a start) and we are looking at getting him enroled in school to get his highschool diploma. He seems like a really good kid, I really think he was starved for a family, and well it does my heart good to see him succeeding. He came up to me and thanked me for giving him the little help and boosts I have. He said he did not fully understand why we(my whole family) did this for him, that he was not realated. Well he is special to my daughter so he must me ok in some way. she has a good sence of things. But that is what life is about. helping someone and then seeing them moving forward. that more than anything really helped pull me out of my funk. Yesterday he came over and made cinnamon rolls. he just loved working in our kitchen and doing that. I could not help but smile watching him. My daughter gets a little jellous when he comes over to hang with me sometimes more than her :) . But thats ok.

I would just like to say that a lot of the posts on this thread mirror my own situation. I have aquaintances at work and some old holdout friends that I see every once in a while... but no close friends.

I too believe that it is partially due to my ADHD thought process as opposed to NT's. My interests are so far outside the interest or understanding of the people I am usually around... that I usually have a hard time finding a common topic that can keep both parties interested long enough to have a conversation.

If I bring up a topic... I am usually met with blank stares... and after a few explanations... I get feigned interest and understanding... So I usually trail of to something to do with {insert tv show/sport here}. When someone else brings up a topic... I have a hard time trying to relate to things that I'm not interested in...

I also believe that I am overly nice to people.... and that I sometimes come off as needy. Sometimes I think people look at me like I have some kind of ulterior motive when I go out of my way to do something helpful... even when I'm helping them... Anybody else get this?

What I think it boils down to... is that 98% of people just don't get me.... I'm misunderstood... and I really don't think there is any way for me to ever explain myself in a way they would understand.

I work 7pm to 7am so I really don't have a lot of chances to meet new people so I'm somewhat limited to my small pool of co-workers. I know what it feels like to be on the outside of the click... I sometimes feel like I'm the butt of a joke that everyone else knows about but me. It is frustrating at times but I try to keep in mind that I'm different and that it doesn't make me Less.... and that people fear what they don't understand and group fear often leads to ridicule.

Oh... and I've often found that if I stop talking to people at work... They will seek me out... instead of the other way around. I don't ignore them or get mad or anything... I just focus on work instead of socializing. It doesn't usually take long for someone to initiate a conversation. A few days of reluctant conversation and everyone gets chummy.

Anywhoo.... hope this helps:)

I would just like to say that a lot of the posts on this thread mirror my own situation.
Isnt that something about this site, no matter what I am goinng tru no matter how alone I think I am with my stikin thinkin, there is somone else that is going thru something similar and when I read his or her post and the answers it really helps me out. That is one of the biggest reasons I am so gratefull I have found this site. you people are great.:D