Have your life experiences made it hard for you to trust people?

Hell YEAH!!!!

I knew before grade 5 that I could not trust anyone but myself. Couldn't trust my siblings. Couldn't trust my parents. Sure as hell couldn't trust my peers--and the idea of trusting a teacher was laughable.

My best friends were the people I came the closest to trusting -- and them mostly because they also knew they couldn't trust anyone but themselves. We sort of had a "you don't betray me, and I won't betray you" relationship. Might sound cold now but when that's the best you've got, it means a hell of a lot.

I think I sort of vaguely trusted my friends' parents too, at least until I got to know them better. :D

This lasted until late high school, when I learned to trust about 3% of the people in my life (that was up from the previous 1%).

Didn't really learn how to have healthy relationships where there was mutual trust until about age 22 or so, and for a few years they were pretty rocky ones.

Now... I have two people in my life I can trust with anything, literally anything. I could confess to murder to these two had I done it and feel I could trust them not to betray me.

I am willing to take the risk of trust, however, because I find the good feeling of finding someone you can have mutual trust with is a hell of a lot more important than the bad feeling you get when you find someone you cannot trust.

Kind of a weird question. I mean if everyone always trusted everyone else, well, just think about it. It is a survival skill to be able to distinguish trustworthiness in others. You are supposed to learn from your life experiences whom to trust and whom not to trust.

Originally posted by waywardclam
Hell YEAH!!!!

I knew before grade 5 that I could not trust anyone but myself. Couldn't trust my siblings. Couldn't trust my parents. Sure as hell couldn't trust my peers--and the idea of trusting a teacher was laughable.



And then add "Obviously couldn't trust myself to do anything I set out to do or remember anything I felt was important"...

Originally posted by FlakeyGirl
It is a survival skill to be able to distinguish trustworthiness in others. You are supposed to learn from your life experiences whom to trust and whom not to trust.

What if you don't have that skill and you've been burned so many times that you don't know who you should trust?

Exactly. If the circumstances of your life have taught you not to trust anyone, then you probably shouldn't.

Well i used it once already today, but this quote is a gooden.

"The only trustworthy people in the world are me and you, and i can only speek for me"

Jeez, I'm hardly ever cynical.

"trust" That is an interesting concept. I know what it is suppose to mean, but if you have life experiences when you are young where Trust is just a word. When I was growing up and had a Step-father that all he gave you was empty promises and told you that you can talk to him if you have a problem , then yell at you for what you have done then Trust is an elusive word. They have said to trust yourself first then you can trust others. What if you havent learned to trust yourself yet? There is never anything that is concrete and you go through life in search for trust

Originally posted by waywardclam
I am willing to take the risk of trust, however, because I find the good feeling of finding someone you can have mutual trust with is a hell of a lot more important than the bad feeling you get when you find someone you cannot trust.

i hope i can feel like that some day...
right now i can't, because there are so much "internal" healing that has to take place first...

having problems with "reading people" plus an inner feeling/hope that *all* people are *good*/don't mean any harm, and on top of that an abusive father plus bullying during the school years to deal with, doesn't exactly make it *"easy"* for my to trust people, but - slowly, but surely - i'm getting there, mostly because i sooo *want* to!
:yin-yang:

Hi
I shouldn't trust anybody, I have been screwed over royally in most of my relationships with women. For some reason, i have always hooked up with energetic, emotional, aggressive, extreme emotional swings, and social. Being mostly introverted, socially awkward for the most part, probably a compensation for my weaknesses. Every one of them turned out to be cheaters, deceptive, and in my current marriage of 16 years, a possibly gay oriented woman. She swears no but she has always had a lot of gay girlfriends. She is divorcing me, sexual encounters with a guy on her sons baseball team and has abandoned me after I lost a job,when I started a daily interferon therapy that made me ill and at every turn failed in a partners support during the tough times. I helped her through school, I went to school, she left after landing the 65000 yr job. Took the things she wanted gone. I hear things like this all the time, how can anybody justify such abuse of trust with another human who did so many things for her. Helped raise her two boys, expensive gifts cruises ,counseling, church beautiful home. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy like that, but married couples routinely pull this crap. My last was just as bad, sneaking around, affairs at the office. And somehow they try to justify it as your fault. not affectionate enough, neglect them, ad infinitum. Excuse me ladies, I will not geneeralize all women in this manner, as it isn't fair or even true. Just my experience, and I trusted them at the time implicitly, especiall y my current wife, the worst of them all as it turns out. I will not give up on people, but it does give pause as to jumping back into relationships. I have never had men friends throw me over so completely with such trumped up excuses. its like I cnat wait to get into the marriage, now they can't wait to get out. It is like the song "Just give me something, that I can hold on to, To believe in this living is just a hard way to go." Angel from Montgomery J.prine Addlee

Trust is the hardest thing to get and the easiest to lose. If you have had your trust misused each time you hold onto it longer and longer, until you keep it only for yourself.

I have always had a distrust of most people. It is hard to trust anyone and then when I do almost always they betray that trust. I have the ability to read people well and they usually react the way I thought they would or a situation turns out the way I thought it might. That ability amazes my friends (what few I have) but does this mean that all people are inherently evil, or do I twist situations so they turn out how I thought they might. (Although, I sometimes have no control over the outcome.)

Truthfully childhood experiences taught me to never trust fully. And since love seems to revolve around trust that's a hard one too.
Hope though, you have to have it most days just to keep going, I do anyway.

I don't trust anyone but me, my dog...and that's it. The one person I thought I could trust with anything betrayed me. After that, I found many things over the years that he blabbed.

My Mom even blabs when she vows to keep a secret! My Dad? My Dad I think I could trust after my dog. But there are still some things I wouldn't tell him. He is where I get my ADHD from.

Funny...I think I am a trustworthy person. I could never betray someone's trust. To me, that is a sin you will get spanked for eventually. :eek: If I know I will have to betray someone, I warn them ahead of time so they don't tell me.

My life experiences have made it hard to trust the opposite sex as well as myself to avoid untrust worthy ppl :(

I tend to trust people, I'm an optimist but I hold back and maybe am not that trustworthy myself. I am if I open up but I don't do that easily.

I've noticed i have serious trust issues, with my co-workers, and its sad but even my wife at times.

My life has been full of disappointments since childhood and it's been hard learning who I can trust and to what degree. I know now though that to have a fulfilling life and be happy I have to put some trust out to people, for my own benefit and for my relationships. I have especially learned this since my father passed away last december. I feel very lucky that I told him what I needed to before he died. I'm not usually good at this but It's really pushed me to be real with those significant people in my life. I've also learned that trust comes in different forms-words, actions, feelings. And that even if you don't trust yourself in some way about something it's best to tell someone about it anyway, even if you know or think they'll disagree or won't be happy....but at least you got it out rather than having it bouncing around in your head. Wow, I think I just went off on a tangent, sorry.

:)

Interesting question.

No, I don't think I can trust people. But this is my problem, not theirs.

Thusfar I've lived what most would consider an easy life. And it's true, I have. I havn't been through any of the abhorrent traumas that many of the people on this board have.

But, and i'm guessing this is an ADD thing, i've felt close to a grand total of two people, one went back to her ex boyfriend, and the second (twin sister of the first) went back to lusting after her sisters boyfriend. And this isn't close in a romantic or sexual sense, when it comes down to it it was nothing more than openness; Trusting that they won't put anyone first without good reason.

But like I say, it's my fault.

I've become so neurotic that I believe I have it worse than everyone else. And that other people get more sympathy because they're more extrovert people than me.

But that's not the whole picture.

I've become so morbidly needy that I take any sign of sympathy, friendship or affection as more than it's meant to be.

On a concious level, it's in perspective. I know that gesture x by person y was just a sign of friendship. But then my subconcious takes over, the floodgates open and all these possibilities enter my brain. What if? What if I've finally found a cohesive relationship with someone, someone who thinks like me, someone who has the same faults as me.

I don't trust people because I'm needy, and because I dislike my mind (or counterwill perhaps) taking things further than I want to.

If I get to know someone I can eventually trust them, but there is barely anyone who I have found that is trustworthy for long. There are a few people in my life that I can trust with anything; one with my life.

But if any one ever breaks my trust, I appear to never be able to go back again, no matter how sorry they are.

I hate this lack of trust, but it's like Tudorose said; burnt too much.

My life's experiences have made it difficult for me to trust people since I was a child. Typical dysfunctional childhood. But at the same time I seem to be naive or just want to give people the benefit of the doubt only to be reminded by their actions that I should always stay guarded. I've tried really hard to be optimistic and not cut myself off from people emotionally but it rarley turns out to be worth the risk. The ADD has definately not helped matters either. So what do you do when your acts of trust seems to always be met with betrayal? Anyway, trying to work on it...

I honestly believe I can be too trustworthy and even knowing my condition and knowing it can be an ugly outcome.. arrggghh..lol

I don't think adults should trust in the same manner a young child does. A young child -- unless betrayed -- trusts his/her parents to provide care, comfort, affection, a shape to the world. Of course there will be some disillusionment in the best of families.

But we are given brains, a reasoning capacity, and experience. Learning to award our trust to those who have earned it only makes sense. It is one great coping skill.

I trust almost everyone to some degree. But I also judge. I don't buy all that gooey nonsense about absolute trust and unconditional love. Unconditional love is for babies. Adults have responsibilites. Adults have an obligation be try to be honest and fair. That they don't always do this is a given. So if I encounter someone who criticizes me, lies to me, and manipulates me, it is only good sense to avoid or tailor my encounters with that person. People have to earn my trust. With everyone I meet my brain is clicking away to decide how much I will let that person into my life and where that person will fit in my life. I don't think there is anything wrong with my approach. To me, this is just realistic.

That is interesting to see the difference between Coral & Charisma. I respect and relate to both of you, it is just very very different. Personally, I've been accused of being unreliable and untrustworthy (not without reasons) and I tend to be very trusting and naive but I can be more cynical, though I wish I could be more practical and realistic as Coral describes.

Somewhere in between is undoubtedly what I should try for.

Well, the way I think was hard won. I used to take all the wooden nickels. :o

This is a great thread!

Yes, I typically have trust issues.

I am 43 and I trust everybody and everything to a fault.

Sure, I have insecurities that stem from fear due to tragedy or broken dreams. My feelings are easily hurt.

But for some reason that does not stop me from jumping in head first to some situations fully trusting that everything will be alright.

Boundaries have been discussed here as well as impulse and maybe this ADD trait keeps me where I am.

I have boundaries but they are sometimes hazy and easily broken through. Impulses are strong and can over-ride my gut instincts because I trust in the goodness of the world.

Only recently..maybe a few years back , did I believe that evil existed in it's own right. I believed that inherant goodness was everywhere and in everyone.

I think fear and a new understanding of eviel has contributed to my shyness, which may actually keep me on a fairly straght path. Fear is necessary and can be a healthy thing as I set myself up sometimes for trouble.

My strength is drawn from faith and hope so trust often proves to produce good things. I have lived a charmed life and maybe that lends itself to naivity.

Open book, read the story, and believe there will be a happy ending....

~gourmet~

In a nutshell. YES.


Have your life experiences made it hard for you to trust people?

Hello,
well, I think I better repeat here what I wrote in my introduction before I post... I am not ADHD, but I know somebody who is, and I joined here to be able to understand ADHD. I hope that´s okay.:)
For the trust... the person I know who is ADHD hardly trusts ANYONE. He made some very bad experiences and behaves almost untouchable toward strangers.
What puzzles me since the day we met (only on the web by now) is why he put so much trust in me although he didn´t know me... I mean, you can read people´s posts, but you still don´t know how they REALLY are... there´s still so much risk...
Is this just a part of acting impulsively???
I just would like to know what it means that he made himself so vulnerable to me (so quickly)... from what I read here, it seems unusual... I always felt it was a huge step for him, but I begin to wonder if I will ever realise how HUGE the step REALLY was for him...

I find it really, really hard to trust people. I also find it hard to depend on others for support, friendship...etc....Recently involved in a rear end accident, I was more worried about the wellbeing of my passenger than myself...anyone else like that?

I relate to so many people's views on this thread I couldn't possiblt quote them all.

I have always had trust issues but iut's got worse with age. I try to get to know people before I judge them. Unfortunately by the time I work out they are not particularly nice people it's too late.

My last serious relationship turned out to be with a physcopath who brutally murdered his girlfriend a few months after we split up. This has made me very untrusting to the point of paranoia with guys.

I'm sort of involved with a guy now who's not very trust worthy but I know he's safe. I want more than that but I feel like I can't trust my own judgement.

I like to think that everyone is basically good but know that this isn't the case.

I also believe you should treat people how you want to be treated even though you don't always get it back.

I have one very good friend who is also ADHD and I trust her with my life and vice versa. I would've cracked up along time ago if it wasn't for her.
I'm trying to be a bit more judgemental i.e. if something feels wrong, don't do it. Instead of questioning myself all the time and giving the wrong people chances.

I was talking to my friend once about being happy with my cat "He's there waiting for me when I get home from work, he always wants a cuddle, he's happy to be fed the same thing everyday, he's no trouble and doesn't make a mess or too much noise"

Her reponse was "You're right, do you think the cat santuary will take my kids?" :p

I was more worried about the wellbeing of my passenger than myself...anyone else like that?
Yes! My friend! He once got physically attacked by a complete strager who later turned out to be suffering from heavy paranoia. He just pushed him down a platform (thank God it was only about 1,50m high). My friend fell down and got his knee hurt - and what did he do? The first thing he asked ws if anybody else got hurt, although it was obvious he was the only victim!!!
He´s always that way... he worries so much about anybody else´s wellbeing and is always there to help and support others.

He´s incredible.:)

I've just read and skimmed a few of these trust issue posts, coming from a former cynic, life is much better on the trusting side. I know its much easier said than done, believe me I know, but after living with walls up, and not allowing myself to trust and being compeletly miserable...I can tell you that allowing yourself to trust (although it may be hard) is the most amazing and freeing feeling ever. Just let go...the only purpose that holding onto the past serves is to hold you back from the future...let go of the pain...let go of the past...

I used to believe that trusting and allowing yourself to be vulnerable was a weakness and not trusting was a strength, this is completely wrong. It's actually the opposite, not trusting is the weakness. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, after being hurt, may be hard (sometimes 10 times harder than just closing off) but it is a strength...its what makes us strong...its what makes human and alive. I used think that trust was only for the naive and moronic, but the joke was on me, little did I know they had a much greater understanding than I did.

So what if someone breaks your trust? What will happen? You'll be hurt or burned, right?, well guess what, you're only hurting yourself by not trusting. Hurt and pain are part of life, these are things that help us to learn, they are also the things that make the great times even sweeter.
Given enough time, everyone will let you down, I garantee it, therefore you can either go through life not trusting anyone, including yourself (b/c at some point in time you too will let yourself down) or you can free yourself and trust. Now I'm not saying to be careless with your trust, use your previous experiences as guidance but not as law.

So go out there and trust...you may get hurt, or you may find happiness...if you do get burned...feel it, allow yourself to feel the pain (not for long though)...brush yourself off...learn from it...and let go of it...only hold onto the lesson (not the pain)...and do it again...just trust
Signed...a much happier, former cynic ;)

I agree trust is where it's at ,give it to all with small bits at first and keep giving ,those who let you down don't harm you as much as they harm themselves when you call them on it .It's about accountability ,if someone lies ,you did to think why they did ,because it's not about you ,it's about them .
And most of all try to live so that no one has any ammo to hurt you with to begin with ,not by being secretive but by living true

Yes.. as much as I love people, I frequently can not trust them... This is one thing that makes relationships so difficult for me.


Me :D