Hi,
Just wondering in your experience are ADHD women more likely to totally focus on their SO? In turn do ADHD men more commonly lose interest in their partner and focus on other things?

It seems to have been a stumbling block for me in many of my relationships. I find relief now that I have been taking medication. I can at least focus on my work more and allow myself at a later time to think about my former partner.

Is it just me?

In turn do ADHD men more commonly lose interest in their partner and focus on other things?Jen, this topic keeps coming up lately? Has there been new research that indicates ADHD men are more likely to be poor partners?

Focusing on my partner has not been my experience. If anything, I think I tend to pick people that are somewhat 'emotionally' distant. I chalk that up to the fact I had so much going on in my head, I couldn't really be supportive of anyone else. I haven't had a relationship since my diagnosis so I can't say if this theory still holds. But overall in my friendships and relationships, I think I perfer people that are independent.

Focusing less on your partner makes sense now that you are on medication.

I think it goes both ways.

I am sorry I don't know of any research, I am in the learning curve trying to figure out why certain things have gone the way they have in my life over and over.

I have been to several counsellors over the years, read many self help books attended support groups in an effort to be more independant and focus on myself, build confidence etc.

This is one of the reasons I wanted to get tested for ADHD because I felt my focus on a partner in my life was something different from learned behaviour and co dependance. This along with my need to challenge and debate have made things harder than they should be.

There do seem to be some traits that although not exclusive to one sex do seem to be more predominant. For example hyperactivity in men.

Since I am so new to all this and my former partner is also ADHD I was wondering if our set of circumstances (me over focused and he under) was a gender thing?

Of course I know it can have nothing to do with ADHD, but medication did seem to help him be more attentive and has helped me to focus on other important things. Which is why I asked the question.

Jen, I know your AD/HD diagnosis is still very new. I was in my forties when I was diagnosed so I had a lot of life experience to be able to draw from and because I spent so many years not knowing about my ADHD, I didn't look for ADHD being the reason things happened the way they did. The year I was diagnosed, I had already spent 20 years with a partner who accepted and loved me for who I was and a diagnosis didn't change that. ADHD is part of who we are, but we are ultimately people first with the same propensity for success and failure at life, love and relationships. Focus too much on the ADHD and you lose the bigger picture. Focus on the big picture and then adjust the fine tuning for the ADHD and lfe will make a whole lot more sense. I spent a year and many hours of research before I got up the nerve to ask for a referral to an ADHD specialist. That was eleven years ago and I'm still learning.

I think women in general are caretakers and the ADHD makes that more intense.

People can "totally overfocus on others", for other reasons...

:)

What do you mean by "Focus"? I don't think that is clear...

Are you talking about:

-being critical of another's behaviours or being sensitive to another's behaviours?
-being emotionally present and engaged vs. emotionally detached and don't care?
-caring vs. not caring?

Do you maybe mean focus in a sense
like "this will make him happy" or "I can't possibly justify buying myself that because of our financial situation, that might take away from his needs."

"He likes red, I like blue, but painting the livingroom red would make him happy"

I guess Foregoing ones needs/wants/desires in order to fulfill those of another?

I think the answer to your questions is yes to yours Gadget Girl and yes to both critical and caring Queens U Girl. It is like a relationship is a puzzle to me. Something I like to focus on and figure out. Make better all the time. I am so emotional it must be very hard to be in relationship with me.

I think it comes down to a situation where focusing on somone else in my life - a partner as I have gotten older- is a distraction from the painful things and chaos that go on in my mind, therefore it is a form of self medication. When I focus on a significant other I think it is giving me that rush and purspose that my brain is looking for. The endorphins get going.

I have done this since I was a child. It was my mother at first, then my best friend through school and as I became an adult it was the parnter in my life.

It seems with regard to the responses that the answer to my question is about 50/50. So probably not just a female thing.

Yep I know what you talking about Jen...alltough I didn´t read everything you wrote..sorry skipping...I think you´ll understand that. But I´ve had similar problems. For me it was because my own life and mind was such a mess...(and I guess still is) that it felt easier to focus on my partners life and live life trough him/or my best friend as well. I get along in life the best when there is someone taking care of me and someone I can focus on. When I´m left alone my life instantly becomes just a BIG mess and I totally fall. I think I can´t live this life alone at all. It´s just too much for me.
First my mom was there, then my cousin (best friend), then boyfriend. But it´s not for very long time for me...I mean I get bored easily so :/ then I´ll loose my "overfocus" but it´s okey. I still like that someone is around...here for me...otherwise I think my life would be a HUGE HUGE HUGE MESS right now.

and to your actual question...I don´t know if it is a woman thing. I´m a woman too. Maybe for women it´s more common...

i think all women have this problem period. I think we all have this issue. It's apart of our nature.

i think all women have this problem period. I think we all have this issue. It's apart of our nature.or nurture? :D

I find that I tend to be too caring to partners and I do hyperfocus on them a lot when I'm with them and even after we break up...it's only now that I've found myself starting to forget my ex...lol even though he was a nasty person I still cared about his and his children's wellbeing for a long time, I also find that I tend to be too nuturing and caring towards people that have problems...including partners and people I have crushes on, overall I think we ADD ladies tend to be the nuturing types...it's just us and how we are!

Imnapl: I certainly hope there hasn't been any research suggesting that male ADDers are poor partners....I'd rather date an ADDer than a Non ADDer and if it came down to it if there was a choice between being alone and dating a Non ADDer..I'd rather be alone!!....LOL

Selena:)

Imnapal,
What a beautiful way to put it. Nuture. That actually brought me very close to tears.I am so relieved I am not alone.
I feel like a fool in some ways though. I thought this level of intensity in family, friendships and male/female relationships was what it was supposed to be like.
Sometimes I feel like I just leave choas, panic and disorder in my wake.

Jen38, thank you for bringing up an important topic and your insight is refreshing. We grow where we are planted, but unlike plants, we can uproot ourselves and move to more fertile ground. Of course, we'll always have to sort the weeds from the real plants, but the healthier we are and the more we grow, the easier it gets.

I think it comes down to a situation where focusing on somone else in my life - a partner as I have gotten older- is a distraction from the painful things and chaos that go on in my mind (...) When I focus on a significant other I think it is giving me that rush and purspose that my brain is looking for.
^it sounds like you already recognize the issue.



there's nothing wrong with being caring and nurturing in relationships... but it is a problem if you're using it as distraction, and if you feel that it's your only source of 'fulfillment' in life.


i'm not sure what kind of pain you're dealing with...but it definitely sounds like you need to confront it..and maybe do some soul-searching? :)

there might be something in your past that you left unresolved... or maybe you're just lacking a sense of purpose in life.
is your career fulfilling?
are you devoting your life to the things that you're passionate about?

maybe you need something bigger to focus on.

relationships are definitely "puzzles" (like you said)...and they do require work to perfect them... but there's more to life than you and your significant other.

if you direct that "hyperfocused" energy toward something else, you'll be a much more relaxed person in relationships. :)

I completely agree with what your saying Jen. I have the same problem. When I was younger it was my mother too. I was practically her little sidekick. When I went away to college it was very difficult for me, but throughout college I have adapted to being alone better. Don't get me wrong I still hate being alone and my life is a bit chaotic, but I still manage. I've learned that by focusing too much on other people, ie friends, boyfriends etc... I end up getting hurt more in the end. I wish I could be completely content and happy with being alone, but its like I always have to have a friend/lover around to keep me grounded.

im adhd and my problem was showing emotion and giving my x.b.f attention i just never had that i dont know why but never had it ive been single for the 2 years in a halve

I'm ADHD and I have a very hard time with this...as soon as I get into a relationship or something goes wrong in a relationship you can forget about me being able to concentrate on work or anything of the sort. It's really hard. I finally have decided that although I'm very lonely right now, I have to swear off men until I can get my degree.

I do in the beginning then I focus so much that I lose interest in them altoghether. Wish I could break that aweful habit.

Hey Jen!

I relate totally!!! I personally am an "attention addict" and am all over my BF!! I can't stop thinking about him and how cute he is... The the more Over The Top affection i give to him...the more he wants to get away from me!! It's like I'm chasing my prey!

But I've noticed guys don't like 'way too much' affection... i try to practice to let him come to me...not the other way around. But it's hard not to be all over him cause he's so cute!! Sometimes I wish he was all over me like i am with him..

I focus on the wrong things sometimes because it's easy and keeps me distracted from the things i should be accomplishing... as women we are more affectionate by nature.

I don't do this at all. I've been married for 4 years now. I haven't had problems in our marriage though. I do grow bored with him time to time, but know I'm in a marriage that is for the long haul.

I married young (at 19) so all I can compare is my highschool boyfriends. I would break up boys that should have meant a ton to me, because of the crazy boredom of that person. If I didn't break up with them, I ended up always cheating on them. I didn't think it was related to ADD though. I thought it was more of a "I am a flirty type person" kinda-thing. I'm still pretty flirty. I would decide that some boy was going to be mine and it would become a mission to be his girlfriend. Honestly, I think I am kinda self-centered. I try to do better about that.

Not sure it's ADD related... I've long had a bent toward keeping my thoughts and emotions to myself, keeping my guard up, not revealing myself; of course, hubby didn't realize how much of who I am he wasn't "in on", and that whole package, along with other stressors, all came crashingdown on me a couple months ago and I couldn't stop crying, and couldn't work or think... and when hubby was askingwhat was wrong and thinkingit was this or that, he was shocked that I was saying it was him. I mean, my relationsihp with him. THAT was what was making me break. I had so little to sustain me in it and I was dying in it.
So in a way it's focus on him, in that I need things with us to change, and ways he is with me to change, and maybe that's a focus on him, but I've also held him at a distance to keep myself "safe" and not been brave enough to move forward, so that's more like focusing on me, isn't it? But if things with him aren't good, the rest of my life falls apart. I'm not one ofthose people who can carry on with work and other things while my emotionsal life is going bad, I am incapable of separting things and pretending to be fine for any length of time. (I mean, not even long enough to get thru a checkout line at the store, let alone a shift of work!) So maybe the final answer is, yes, I focus on him.

i feel like i'm always focusing on him. i think sometimes i make him crazy with it, but i really can't help it.

I feel that ADHD women are very "warm", and they mean well for others. Their life experience plays a role in how they react to and function in relationships.

I feel emotions are most important. If I have money to cover what I need, I don't care about them. It's actually a problem, because it's usually the other way around with most people. Not that they feel emotions are unimportant, but to a lesser degree than what I feel.

I focus on the partner alot in a relationship. That he is well, then I feel well. I do that with my family too.

I can't step on people, hurt them, to make myself achieve something. I want the best for the people I know. Really, all the best.

Then again, I had a rough childhood, and I hate selfishness more than anything. My mom has a narcissistic personality, and my dad doesn't care for much more than himself. I still love them, though I don't have much reason to do so. I hate those features even more, because I know what they cause, and I've felt them on my body.

I have to say that I feel more than most people, other things aren't as important. Then again, ADHD is very much about living in the moment, with difficulty working for something far into the future. What I feel right now, is very important. Pain right now is very hard. Comparing things from earlier is hard for me. What is now, bothers me the most.

My relationships have to start with safety and respect. When I experience that, I will take very good care of my partner. I can treat him with warmth and love, and everything I feel on the inside.