Carrickfergus
07-18-07, 05:04 PM
First, to clarify, the person I need help dealing with is a sibling, not a child, but my parents don’t know what to do about him, either.
A little background:
I am 23, the eldest of three, and have ADD inattentive type (medicated).
My sister is 21 and by all accounts normal.
My brother is 19, severely ADHD, slightly learning disabled, possibly dyslexic, not currently receiving treatment, and about to make me and everyone else in the house turn homicidal.
All three of us still live with our parents and do not presently have the option of moving out any time soon.
About my brother:
To my knowledge, he was medicated for under a month when he was 11 or 12 (he hated it), and has never received any other treatment or counseling. He was bumped from school to school, constantly labeled an underachiever, until finally my parents enrolled him in an internet homeschool program, which is how he TECHNICALLY finished high school. I say technically because the program was a load of bollucks. In my opinion, he'd have done fine in a special needs school or program, but my parents didn't want him to get labeled or some crap. He can read, but not at a high school level, and can only read at all because my father took it upon himself to teach my brother with some cassette program one summer when he was about 14. His vocabulary is not so limited that you'd notice when talking to him, but he tends not to understand "big words." He doesn't communicate complex abstract thoughts well; listening to him try to explain anything complicated, he tends to come across as downright incoherent.
On the up side, he is not a "problem child" -- at least no more so than any teenage boy. He's never been into heavy drugs (as far as we know), he doesn't drink more than any idiot frat boy at parties might... And in a lot of ways, his social aptitude and ability to get along with ANYBODY he meets from any walk of life has largely made up for anything else he lacks. You wouldn't know he's just barely above a technical diagnosis of borderline mentally retarded if you met him (his IQ tested in the low 80's). He's very physically capable, eager to learn, and very driven. And here is where we encounter problems.
Recently -- in the past month or so -- my brother started getting really involved in my parents' business and set off on a campaign of self-improvement. Now, of course, this is a good thing. This is an EXCELLENT thing. He's gone from being irresponsible and self-deprecating about his shortcomings to seeking the meaning of life and all that.
Here's the problem:
He's decided, seemingly, that he now knows all the wisdom of the heavens and takes every opportunity to impart it upon others, or try to drag us all into discussions about what we are lacking in our lives. We all want very much to encourage and support him, but this is getting to be too much. It's not just irritating nitpicking whenever he walks through a room. It's an obsessive compulsion to correct and control every aspect of everybody's lives.
This morning, for instance, I happened to be awake with a friend at 5:00 in the morning. He happened to wake up at 5:00 in the morning as we were getting ready to go to bed, and of course informed us on his way to the porch to water the garden (at FIVE IN THE MORNING), in a very condescending tone, "You know, if you wake up earlier, your body will naturally get tired earlier. Why don’t you ever sleep at normal hours?" So I went to bed FINALLY, having gotten 2 hours of sleep the previous night (which I told him), and 20 minutes later, he came to wake me up and insist I go with him to get breakfast at this diner near where we live. Okay, fine, I can be personable, I went with him. I finally got to sleep around 7:00 in the morning. He then comes traipsing into my room at 12:30, switches on all the lights, and INSISTS I wake up, giving numerous reasons and explanations including: Sleeping too much is an addiction and I need to learn how to deal with my addictions and deal with reality; I need to help out our parents because they are stressed and THEY can’t deal with reality or their addictions (whatever those are); I need to get my life together and be productive which I apparently never am (according to him -- he doesn’t actually see me for most of the day)... it goes on, and was largely impossible to comprehend because, as previously stated, he does not communicate complex or abstract ideas well.
Now the thing is, he’s doing this CONSTANTLY, to EVERYBODY. He lectures everyone on everything. One of his favorite questions to ask is "Are you happy?" and he’ll launch into numerous different monologues depending on the answer. He’s also recently started exploring religion. Not a bad thing at all -- I did the same thing at his age, got into the Church and whatnot, but he doesn’t have much comprehension of relative philosophy (much less reading comprehension) and our parents both casually disapprove of any religion, so he reads things and gets weird ideas. So of course I have to explain all this to the best of my ability, being the only person in the family with any experience with religion.
So what should I and my family do with him? I feel that if he wants religious instruction, I’m happy to find him a group to attend, and even go with him. There are plenty of churches nearby with very good programs. He’s working full time for my parents, which gives him responsibility and money to spend that’s really his and you know, all that good adult stuff. But seriously, the "I know how to fix your life" lecturing needs to stop, before we all duct tape him to the roof of the next truck headed for Alaska. The attempts to control and judge everybody else’s life need to stop.
I’m wondering, should I encourage him and my parents to explore the option of counseling with some sort of therapist? I doubt he’d agree to medication for his ADHD, but he clearly needs some sort of guidance we cannot give him. I just don’t know what KIND of guidance we should be trying to offer him -- business classes or therapy or what.
Anyone with insight or experience dealing with a kid like him, I’d love to hear from you and would appreciate any help. Thanks!
A little background:
I am 23, the eldest of three, and have ADD inattentive type (medicated).
My sister is 21 and by all accounts normal.
My brother is 19, severely ADHD, slightly learning disabled, possibly dyslexic, not currently receiving treatment, and about to make me and everyone else in the house turn homicidal.
All three of us still live with our parents and do not presently have the option of moving out any time soon.
About my brother:
To my knowledge, he was medicated for under a month when he was 11 or 12 (he hated it), and has never received any other treatment or counseling. He was bumped from school to school, constantly labeled an underachiever, until finally my parents enrolled him in an internet homeschool program, which is how he TECHNICALLY finished high school. I say technically because the program was a load of bollucks. In my opinion, he'd have done fine in a special needs school or program, but my parents didn't want him to get labeled or some crap. He can read, but not at a high school level, and can only read at all because my father took it upon himself to teach my brother with some cassette program one summer when he was about 14. His vocabulary is not so limited that you'd notice when talking to him, but he tends not to understand "big words." He doesn't communicate complex abstract thoughts well; listening to him try to explain anything complicated, he tends to come across as downright incoherent.
On the up side, he is not a "problem child" -- at least no more so than any teenage boy. He's never been into heavy drugs (as far as we know), he doesn't drink more than any idiot frat boy at parties might... And in a lot of ways, his social aptitude and ability to get along with ANYBODY he meets from any walk of life has largely made up for anything else he lacks. You wouldn't know he's just barely above a technical diagnosis of borderline mentally retarded if you met him (his IQ tested in the low 80's). He's very physically capable, eager to learn, and very driven. And here is where we encounter problems.
Recently -- in the past month or so -- my brother started getting really involved in my parents' business and set off on a campaign of self-improvement. Now, of course, this is a good thing. This is an EXCELLENT thing. He's gone from being irresponsible and self-deprecating about his shortcomings to seeking the meaning of life and all that.
Here's the problem:
He's decided, seemingly, that he now knows all the wisdom of the heavens and takes every opportunity to impart it upon others, or try to drag us all into discussions about what we are lacking in our lives. We all want very much to encourage and support him, but this is getting to be too much. It's not just irritating nitpicking whenever he walks through a room. It's an obsessive compulsion to correct and control every aspect of everybody's lives.
This morning, for instance, I happened to be awake with a friend at 5:00 in the morning. He happened to wake up at 5:00 in the morning as we were getting ready to go to bed, and of course informed us on his way to the porch to water the garden (at FIVE IN THE MORNING), in a very condescending tone, "You know, if you wake up earlier, your body will naturally get tired earlier. Why don’t you ever sleep at normal hours?" So I went to bed FINALLY, having gotten 2 hours of sleep the previous night (which I told him), and 20 minutes later, he came to wake me up and insist I go with him to get breakfast at this diner near where we live. Okay, fine, I can be personable, I went with him. I finally got to sleep around 7:00 in the morning. He then comes traipsing into my room at 12:30, switches on all the lights, and INSISTS I wake up, giving numerous reasons and explanations including: Sleeping too much is an addiction and I need to learn how to deal with my addictions and deal with reality; I need to help out our parents because they are stressed and THEY can’t deal with reality or their addictions (whatever those are); I need to get my life together and be productive which I apparently never am (according to him -- he doesn’t actually see me for most of the day)... it goes on, and was largely impossible to comprehend because, as previously stated, he does not communicate complex or abstract ideas well.
Now the thing is, he’s doing this CONSTANTLY, to EVERYBODY. He lectures everyone on everything. One of his favorite questions to ask is "Are you happy?" and he’ll launch into numerous different monologues depending on the answer. He’s also recently started exploring religion. Not a bad thing at all -- I did the same thing at his age, got into the Church and whatnot, but he doesn’t have much comprehension of relative philosophy (much less reading comprehension) and our parents both casually disapprove of any religion, so he reads things and gets weird ideas. So of course I have to explain all this to the best of my ability, being the only person in the family with any experience with religion.
So what should I and my family do with him? I feel that if he wants religious instruction, I’m happy to find him a group to attend, and even go with him. There are plenty of churches nearby with very good programs. He’s working full time for my parents, which gives him responsibility and money to spend that’s really his and you know, all that good adult stuff. But seriously, the "I know how to fix your life" lecturing needs to stop, before we all duct tape him to the roof of the next truck headed for Alaska. The attempts to control and judge everybody else’s life need to stop.
I’m wondering, should I encourage him and my parents to explore the option of counseling with some sort of therapist? I doubt he’d agree to medication for his ADHD, but he clearly needs some sort of guidance we cannot give him. I just don’t know what KIND of guidance we should be trying to offer him -- business classes or therapy or what.
Anyone with insight or experience dealing with a kid like him, I’d love to hear from you and would appreciate any help. Thanks!