View Full Version : Who is supposed to keep them safe?
01-22-04, 03:12 AM
My son is a beautiful 10 year old with ADHD-Depression. But, lately it has been a battle to get him to go to school. You see he is mentally a fourth grader but academically he is doing eighth and ninth grade work. We live in a very small community that does not have special classes for children with my son's talents; so he has been asigned a teacher's aide who assist's him when needed and also cues him on his behaviours.
This has never been a problem as the kids in his class accepted him for who he was. Until this year--our school consolidated with another school. For the last year Dakota has been verbally and physically abused on a daily basis by another student in his class.
We started to notice changes in him about 3 months into the school year; his grades dropped from straight A's to C's, it became a war to get him to school this coming from a child who loves to learn. He started to make odd comments i.e. I'm fat, you hate me, why didn't anyone hold me when I was a baby? Then he started complaining of stomach aches, headaches, jaw pain, etc. after school. We contacted his doctor thinking he was ill, his therapist knew nothing.
Finally, on one of his many day's from school he asked if I would home school him, I told him not without a good reason. This is when he told me about the boy in his class who not only berates him everytime the teacher is out of eyesight; but, is constantly kicking and hitting him on school grounds, to and from school. When I contacted the school they claimed to know about the problem's with this bully as all the children are afraid of him. And they promised to do a better job of protecting the children. But, I have found there to be only one aide at recess for 80-90 children (I do not know about the rest of you but I find it hard to keep track of 3 at times). When brought to their attention they claimed this was enough to protect the children. Then why did my son come home wishing he were dead and with fresh bruises on his back and legs? I went to recess with my son until the school claimed I was trespassing and could be arrested. So who is going to protect him now?
To answer my own question's; I believe the responsibility falls on both the school and parent's shoulders. It is my job to be my son's voice when he has none and it's the school's job to make sure they are in a safe enviroment. Going against all I believe in and have tought my son; I gave him permission to fight back and taught him how :( . And yes I did inform the school that Dakota will be fighting back, I was informed he will be given a week's detention for the first offense. I informed them that there are three places in this world a child should never have to feel fear; home, school and church and if they continued to not do their part; I most certainly will do mine because my first priority is MY child and that he will NOT be sitting there alone that I will be right beside him.
Bravo futs...when kids are in school they are teachers responsiblity and it the can't handle that they shouldn't be teaching...My thoughts. And when Kids are home then it is the parents job, and I know a woman as strong as you futs can handle it hun:X
01-22-04, 03:21 AM
I'm up to the challenge the last thing I want to teach Dakota now is to run i.e. home schooling. That is not a lesson that will serve him well in life. I got my game face on and if they thought I was a b**ch before they've seen nothing yet!!!!
01-22-04, 09:00 AM
There is no end to my rage against bullies, or the idiots who think they have them under "control".
I quite literally want to hide in the bushes and beat the crap out of them.
Failing that, I want to secretly videotape the entire process and sue the hell out of the teachers who fail to protect kids.
Unfortunately, neither of these is productive in the end. What I have done with my son in the past and desperately want to do with him again is to put him in martial arts classes.
I have to find a way to afford this again. I can't think of any better service I could possibly do him through his teenage years than to make sure he knows how to defend himself.
Nucking Futs, my boy is 10 as well, brilliant, with the same sort of symptoms... and hates school because of bullies, wants to move to another city (doesn't realize this will make the problem worse).
I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will NOT discipline him if he is ever forced to defend himself. This is one of the things he has complained about and drove me nucking futs as a kid, that kids bullying me never ever seemed to get punished, but if I ever dared to try to defend myself, all of a sudden I was a "troublemaker"... :mad: :mad: :mad:
In a perfect world the school should be responsible to keep children safe.
But, as we all know this isn't a perfect world. It has become the parents' job to make sure the school system is keeping children safe.
If parents find out the schools aren't keeping their children safe then it's the parents job to make sure their children are safe.
I have heard this story so many times. It's really hard. I have even seen it when I worked in the public schools.
It's not a coincidence that homeschooling is on the rise.
01-22-04, 09:35 AM
I am looking into home schooling as a last option; but, hate the idea of teaching my children to run in the face of opposition. And yes as a former kick boxer I have taught my son how to defend himself and have given him permission to fight back. I know we are to turn the other cheek; but, God only gave us four and he has walked away enough. And no he will NOT be punished for protecting himself and if the school chooses to punish him I have told him I will be there with him to keep him company on this one.
01-22-04, 12:58 PM
This is so terrible. I wish I could help your son. Our eight year old son is that way too. He does not know how to fight, but he is learning. 2 of his sisters have a physical advantage over him, and one is even more than a year younger. He has gotten bloody noses from them several times and countless indian burn . He is tiny and his reach stinks. He does seem to be developing a pretty quick jab-jab-jab-run combo. I say out of that stuff.
At school, they know I am a big witch. The teachers have learned to work with me or else suffer with me. He goes to Catholic school, so it is different. It is a mixed blessing. They tend not to want to kick kids out b/c they need the money.
One time last year, a bigger boy was trying to make my son (Jack) and some little girl touch his stuff (you know what I mean) around the corner. Jack told us that day. We praised him for it and went to the principal. THe kid got some lame punishment, or so they told us. What they didn't know was that we gave Jack carte blanche to fight if anyone threatened him physically (or any girls or less able boys, too). Well, lo and behold, the kid tried it the next day and Jack got into trouble for fighting with him. This time I went to the counselor, indicating my concern that the bully may be getting sexually abused at home. Reporting law mandates that she must report to authorites. Voila, problem solved. The kid didn't come back.
He made friends with a great big kid this year. He came home asking me what a nerd is. I told him his dad and I are nerds. I hope that answer satisfied him.
01-22-04, 01:25 PM
lol Flakey I just love your sense of humour,,,And I think you did exactly the right thing for your son...I tried talking to his parent's the mother went into a panic and the father tried to back me into a corner. Got me thinking that perhaps this is the only way the child knows how to act. When I reported it to the school they said he is in counseling and they have not heard any sort of reports about abuse at home. Informed them that coming from a abusive childhood that perhaps the child does not feel they can protect him therefore he will not tell,,,Dakota doesn't want to fight if he doesn't have to because he feels this child is hurting inside and he thinks he can help one of the many problems with an adhd child their empathy levels are off the roof, so many times they fall victim. I just pray this does not make him lose his love of ppl. (lol rambling sorry)
01-22-04, 01:53 PM
Thanks. We are learning too.
01-22-04, 03:14 PM
My wife home schools both our kids and we are probably going to have them go to the public school next year, we haven't decided completely yet but are leaning that direction. My daughter is ADHD, hyperactive, and my son has Asperger's syndrome(aka High functioning autism) with Tourettes Syndrome and possibly Bi-polar disorder. So, hearing all of this makes me a little concerned.
01-22-04, 03:16 PM
Just learn from my mistake; pay close attention for changes in behaviour's, leave the door open so they can feel free to discuss anything with you. But, most of all remember you are their voice.
And I will be praying that your children do not have to face this kind of situation. Good luck
01-24-04, 02:16 AM
Today, Dakota told me to but out, that he needed to do this on his own. When asked how he would respond to this kid today he said he didn't know. I watched him walk down the street to school and couldn't help but wonder is this what third world mother's feel like when their young boys are forced to fight? I couldn't help but cry,,,did I raise him right? does he have the right skills. Is today the day he finds out whether he's a man or a coward? It hurts that he won't let me help it's my job and somewere I forgot to show him or tell him that. I dunno guess I'm just rambling; it's just not right that a 10 year old has to give up his innocence so early. I"m sorry; but, I HATE IT!!!!!
01-26-04, 06:28 PM
so, what happened? did your son tell you when he came home from school?
Hang in there. We all hate seeing our kids have to do stuff like that.
Maybe if you talked to the principal, one more time?:(
01-27-04, 12:12 AM
Right now I'm praying; that's all I can do my husband say's I'm not going to be around to fight his battle's his entire life. So, I guess I sit back and see how he respond's and hope that I taught him right. Yes, I'm still in contact with his principal and teacher almost everyday, I haven't/won't give up; he's my baby.
01-27-04, 01:28 AM
I'm with you on this. Those instincts are there for a reason. Dads just don't have 'em the way we do. I think the best we can do is come up with ways to help that don't contribute to the child's discomfort.
01-27-04, 02:58 AM
one of the worst memories I have is of grade 6 or seven when I was followed around the schoolyard by about 3 or 4 people (not exactly sure, cause I never turned around)...these people walked behind me all recess and continually tripped me....I would get up and they would sweep my legs from under me....I would get up again....and so on and so on....I know teachers saw the whole thing....how could they not!!!! (willfully blind....I hated authority from then on). While it did no good to my own self esteem to be picked on I have grown to become a man dedicated to fighting for the underdog.....at all costs....I have grown to become someone who questions all authority and whether or not it is legitimate...I feel that really, there is nothing my parents nor the teachers could have done...(not that the teachers were going to do something anyway!). It is unfortunate that some are willing to turn away and let horrible things happen to people....I will never be one of those people...I know it is hard to watch those you love go through any kind of pain....I cant imagine how my parents felt when I was growing up but just let the kids know that you love them no matter what and when they do fight back and do get labelled a trouble maker jsut be there for them and support them to the end....love them and show them that their struggles are what make them stronger...
01-27-04, 03:02 AM
What are you doing following me in here? *laughs*
I'm doing my best; but, am so frustrated. Do you think if I beat his parent's up they will put a stop to this *shakes head sadly, laughs*. It's frustrating to not be able to protect your own child. But, in the end I believe Dakota will come out on top. When you describe yourself I see and hear alot of what my son is already becoming and am proud of him.
01-27-04, 03:03 AM
yeah....maybe I am following you.....but I am hoping to do all I can for others......my experiences I hope will help others out in life....
01-27-04, 03:06 AM
You seem like an amazing guy have you thought about the Big Brother organization? I think not only would you but others benefit from knowing you went thru the same thing.
p.s. I LIKE STALKERS *laughs hystericly
01-27-04, 03:12 AM
hahahahahaha......well, the problem is that I am ridiculously shy and introverted.....a bit of the old social anxiety disorder along with ADD. When I have my own children I will be their big brother (and father). Right now my energies are all focused on my thesis...at the end of the day I know that I am doing right in at least one or two areas....I am not perfect and have travelled a long hard road fraught with big time mistakes on my part...I know I am a good person, but people nowadays want perfection a lot of the time.....I cant do that...but in my errors and mistakes and what not I can get a lot of knowledge of myself and the world around me....and share it here....if you ever need to talk about anything dont be afraid to PM me and I will answer asap. its been a blast stalking to you....I mean.....talking to you.....(hehehehehe)...
01-27-04, 03:17 AM
AWWW bless you,,,ya know it would be interesting to see how long we could keep this up; but, alas my dear new friend the baby is alseep finally and I must get my rest were I can. ANd anytime ya need someone just holler.So, I leave you with one last love is....
love is meeting ppl who accept you for you accomplishments and failures.
01-27-04, 03:18 AM
cheers....kudos....I think you got my point....!!!!!!!!!! have a good sleep you deserve it
01-27-04, 03:21 AM
OMG you got me so flustered with the stalking and all I typed that in the wrong thread lol. Next time take into consideration I'm blonde--talk slow and if necessary draw a picture.
NIGHTY NIGHT AND HUGS
01-27-04, 03:22 AM
p.s. I still want front row seats to the wedding
01-27-04, 03:28 AM
heheheheehe......dont hold your breath for now.......if anything develops I will let ya know.....by the way, a couple great books to read regarding education in North America and how identities are formed through the education system include Chomsky's "On Mis-education" and Alan Sears' (my thesis advisor) "retooling the mind factory"...while both are slightly left, I believe they speak volumes about what our children are taught about "reality" and how we are indoctrinated to become subservient, patriotic people who never question anything (which, to me is very undemocratic....PS...yeah, I am a far left winger but dont hold it against me please.....hehehehe).
Futsy got an admirer and why not futsy you are awesome
01-27-04, 03:32 AM
I hold nothing against my friends and ummmmmmm huh? did I mention blonde over here sheesh draw me a picture.
lol just kidding you'll have to read my poem to my son I do not teach my children to be robots nope nope nope not me
01-27-04, 03:37 AM
hahahahahaha.........good to hear that the future generations will not be easily lead....hehe......I like to poke and prod at those with even a mediocre degree of power and make sure they are kept in check.....I admire everyone on this board...you have all been instrumental in both my successes and my extremely developed procrasinatory mastery!!!!(hehehehe....). Just kidding...I have needed a good chase for a while....blonde you say?????
01-27-04, 03:38 AM
uh huh God blessed me three times over; blonde, female and adhd couldn't get any better
01-27-04, 03:41 AM
hehehe.......(im a blonde too!)...blue eyes...uh....oh yeah....ADD...
01-27-04, 03:42 AM
by the way....what are you still doing up....?????(not that I dont enjoy the talking and all....)
01-27-04, 03:43 AM
HEY blonde and blue eyes if things don't work out between you and your angel let me know have I got the girl for you...ONe of my hidden talents.
01-27-04, 03:45 AM
Hey put me on the list if I ever need one too, ok?
Probably never happen, mind you, I'm too much of a sucker for punishment it seems... :D
01-27-04, 03:46 AM
uh....well actually.....to tell you the truth she (issy) while being an angel, is rather occupied at the moment (she is seeing someone and I am very happy for her....I worry less about her....long story for another time....). Anyway, she is also miles and miles accross the ocean....doesnt stop us from being the best of friends though
01-27-04, 03:48 AM
lol I think i'm in trouble
Hmmmmmm Match maker match maker make me a match find me a find catch me a catch.
01-27-04, 03:51 AM
uh.....do you wanna see my yahoo profile?????
01-27-04, 03:57 AM
Well it would be helpful, mind if I pass it around to all my single friends.
01-27-04, 03:58 AM
check out my profile here (on addforums)....its just been updated so you can see my yahoo profile as well.....go ahead and have a looksee....!!!!
01-27-04, 03:59 AM
UH...you have my permission to do so.....BLUSH.....hehehehehe
01-27-04, 04:00 AM
Any single ladies out there trust me it's worth the effort to see *wink wink*
01-27-04, 04:02 AM
typical ADDers.....we have strayed SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO far from the original topic....hehehehe....anyway...I am glad you liked it.....BIG TIME BLUSH......
01-27-04, 04:05 AM
lol uh huh,,,me feet are cold
01-27-04, 04:08 AM
so warm them up.....and what are you still doing awake missy!??? (says one insomniac ADDer to the other!)....
01-27-04, 04:09 AM
I've missed my window of opportunity the baby is up and ready to stay up lol
01-27-04, 04:10 AM
Awwwwwww.........I feel bad for you now.....darn these good looks and charisma.....!
01-27-04, 04:12 AM
Careful with that ego you'll never make it out the door lmao
psssst. I got your first review
01-27-04, 04:14 AM
well.......yeah....sorry....thanks for knocking me down a peg there...(phew...that was close!). I actually hate big egos myself....
01-27-04, 04:16 AM
Hey what are friends for?
Now now futs he deserves to gloat heheh what a cutie pie:D i hope this makes your head bigger:D
01-27-04, 04:30 AM
*eyes pop out, jaw drops to the floor* OMG Mel you did not just put that here.
01-27-04, 04:30 AM
well.....yeah....but thats a story for a completely different thread....Ohoh.....did I say that out loud?
wow futs I was talking about the head top(tsk) Mind in the gutter when I am trying to be a puuuuurect angel and cues LMBO I love using that line myself...oops did i type that out loud.
01-27-04, 04:37 AM
OooooooooooooOOOOOOO for pete's sake get a room lmbo
01-27-04, 04:41 AM
hahahaha.....We did....its just unfortunately the absolute wrong room for such a discussion......of course.....we ARE LEARNING something here....
01-27-04, 04:45 AM
UH.....I think this conversation had better turn right back around or at least be carried on in a more suitable medium....(IE Yahoo messenger???????)
01-27-04, 04:46 AM
lol mel draged me in here
01-27-04, 04:46 AM
Im looking in your direction there mel.....PS....are you a GEMINI too??(not that I pay any attention to astrology....but what a coincidence!).
01-27-04, 04:47 AM
hehehehe.....thats OK....all this attention is flattering.....
this is educationable material:D Your room or mine.....
Opps did i type that out loud!
01-27-04, 04:51 AM
OOOOOOH......really.........eeek.....I feel bad for any poor education advocate who just happens to be surfing by.,.....just add me to your list.......(yahoo!)
01-27-04, 04:51 AM
oh.....and my messenger goes off whenever it feels like it due to a univeristy firewall thingy
well isn't that the joys of technology sheesh!
01-27-04, 06:22 AM
And all I wanted to know was who is going to protect my son?
I agree with you on giving him permission to fight back
you might want to Document it, and send a copy to the school, the newspaper and your lawyer
I taught my son how to defend himself, physically, but I also taught him how to walk away from a situation.
I helped him to learn that he has to make the choice of when to stand and when to walk away.
Consider enrolling him in a self defence course.
My son is now 6 feet 2 inches tall and walks down the street and grins as people look at him with such wonder,
as he could do some serious damage if he so decided yet he wouldnt hurt a fly
To answer your question , its up to you to help him to lean "HOW TO PROTECT HIMSELF"
IN MY OPPINION WHICH MAY NOT BE AGREED UPON BY EVERYONE
01-27-04, 09:18 AM
I agree; however, it all comes down to him and the lesson's I have taught him now. Scarry thought huh? And yes he is currently enrolled in Tae Kwon Do and doing wonderfully only problem being the philosophy is flight before fight. How long can you run.
And I pray I am as lucky with my son as you are with yours. Job well done!!!!!!
you can walk away for ever , and when you can walk away knowing that you can do so beccuase it is your choice to walk away and not becuase your scared then you walk away not only proud but with out any accidental bruises that are going to be a result of a confrentation no matter how good you are.
With the right mind set , some day soon , in full veiw of the teacher, mabee right in class, he can take the option to stand up and challenge him in front of his class, to a properly supervised , in house, gym class or such battle (wrong word) to end this bulling behind the backs when no none is looking
Your son can publiclly ask him to stand against him and see who is the champion of the play ground. If he accepts the challenge, then your son has the right and option to beat the living crap out of him, and if he declines then your son will have mentally beat him at his own game.
It is not nessarily physical strength that will beat this bully but quite possibly more mental strength.
Feel free to teach your son my attitude to ADD
Which you may have seen posted here many times
I do not have a Disease
Ido not have ADD
I am ADD and I am proud of it
01-27-04, 09:41 AM
lol Gary I love you philosophy ours is about the same.
which i'm sure you will see below
And your right I just pray he chooses the right path; but, I find it pathetic that our culture puts beauty over brains and heart.
Remeber your own caption at the bottom of your thread
"ADHD is my advantage NOT my disability.
from another post of yours
"uh huh God blessed me three times over; blonde, female and adhd couldn't get any better"
Are you real good looking to boot
you are so right "Couldn't get any better than that"
My wife is "Blonde, and female, but somehow she got left out on the ADHD. " Poor girl , I feel sorry for her
But I love her anyway dispite her disability
im slow sometimes
3= results 3 kids
correct me if im wrong
01-27-04, 10:08 AM
5 souls blended equals one family
01-27-04, 10:09 AM
It was bugging the heck outta ya wasn't it?
yes and no
I have read it over and over and assumed there was a logical hidden meaning and it wouldn't have been any fun to just ask without trying to figure it out
01-27-04, 01:17 PM
Today I found out my son is a MAN:D . I just got a call from the school principal about 30 minutes ago; right now I have two emotion's warring inside me: there's the mom who wants to jump up and down, thrust my fist in the sky and yell YESSSS!!!!! then there is the mom who is disappointed that she had to give permission to fight. In this situation there is no right answer.
I was allowed to speak to Koder over the phone and see what happened and I thought I would share this with ya'll since you've been so good to us.
While at morning recess Dakota noticed the school bully shoving a classmate who is much smaller then all the others into a chain link fence and calling her names NOOOOOO 10 year old should know.
Dakota said he just got soooo mad inside and remembered what I told him about men hitting women. So, he took him down in a arm lock I taught him (is meant to cause minnimal pain and no damage but is humiliating) and he held him there until he cried out and apologized to the girl for being a ******* (now this is a word I'm afraid Koda will have to serve sometime without his gameboy for).
I guess what I'm trying to say is today I'm PROUD :D. Not only did he defend someone smaller then him, a female to boot (big step for him since girls are gross) But, he only used the amount of force necessary to bring the situation under control and nothing more.
So, I'm wondering since I gave him permission do you think they will let me bring my book to detention?
Tell your young lad I am smiling from ear to ear
I am impressed
Minimum violence, defence of a weaker person , standing up for someone who cant defend thereselves, standing up to the bully, and now he may have to pay the price for the actions he took but he can do so with pride
In my humble opinion
01-27-04, 04:41 PM
Hooray! Doncha love the call from the principal!?! Good Boy and good girl for teaching him!
01-27-04, 11:47 PM
YOUR smiling ear to ear lol you should try being me; but, I do gotta tell ya detention (it sucks big time).
Yes the physical act of detention will suck but the mental pleasure of know why your in detention will be oh so sweet
Usually it only takes once standing up to the bully and the bully goes away
but if he doesnt
You now have documented proof of his aggression and your son now has the knowlage that he can stand up to the jerk
01-28-04, 09:57 AM
OK I was just looking at it in the wrong perspective. And your right I'm praying this is over for a lot of the kid's and that he just doesn't find another victim. Kids *rolls eyes* lol. Thanks for listening and for all the advice and trust me it does not fall on deaf ears.
01-28-04, 06:51 PM
passive aggressive means not running.....and I hate to say it but that is pretty much what people have to be....dont be humiliated by the crap they pull...dont fight it either....who really looks ridiculous in the end....the person standing there like a rock, taking crap from people, or the person trying to give crap to a rock! In my honest opinion the schools are repsonsible and anythign that happens to kids (should I have them) should be placed on the school and the school should pay severe damages and so should the other kids....but, since we dont live in that perfect world where people are willing to own up to their errors, whatever they may be, we have to become strong ourselves....that part is the parents....all you can do is love your child and let him know your support is behind him
01-28-04, 07:26 PM
Way to go Dakota
01-28-04, 10:42 PM
although I am against violence myself, it doesnt mean its not going to happen. NF...you should be proud that your child is there sticking up for the little guy/girl! that is very impressive especially for someone like us (ADDers). BE PROUD OF YOURSELF TOO!!!!! you are a wonderful person and you should realize that the kid takes after you....we ADDers, despite our propensity to screw up and hurt others or ourselves at times, also have that special aspect of abhoring abuse of power in any form and its at that moment that we act on our disgust with the abuse of power that we should be proudest!!! Congrats to your son and give him a big smile and hug from me too! (give yourself one as well!).
01-29-04, 01:20 AM
Thanks, I needed that today. I haven't done anything special just taught my son to focus on his empathy and not his anger. That is why he took so long to fight back; but, good news is today the "school bully" actually played with the other kid's and didn't terrorize anyone today.*big smile. Koda says he's actually a nice kid once you get to talk to him.
01-29-04, 09:31 AM
I wish adults could do that!;)
01-29-04, 09:33 AM
lol Me included; I try to be nice but when it comes down to my kids, family or friends I can be a very not nice person
Originally posted by Nucking_Futs
Koda says he's actually a nice kid once you get to talk to him.
Wouldn't it be great if they turn out to be good friends
01-31-04, 09:27 AM
In a perfect world yes; but, I don't see that happening.
Stranger things have happened
Im in Scanton PA and on my way back home
Going to AMARILLO Texas on Monday
Check this out
100 % (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=4340)
01-31-04, 09:43 AM
Have a safe trip. But, no Koda will not be permitted to go near this child at his physcian and therapist's request. Not right now anyway's there is too much at stake right now to chance this child hurting my son.