Its been awhile since Ive used the forums, I was working two jobs etc etc...all the excuses known to man.

Last year I changed careers and got a very demanding management job. I also got re diagnoses (crrectly this time)with a medical illness. Meds, sleep and just about everything else went by the way side. Thankfully, my relationship remained intact. But I had my first hospitilization on June 26 and was there for 10 days.

It was a humbling experience and they have changed my bipolar dx to bipolar with mix mood.

I am back on med and taking them religiously. I am out of work for now and will be looking into a different job that allows sleep, doesnt call me at home or make it so I cant see my family, doctors or therapists.

Cymbalta for the depression and chronic pain of the tuberous sclerosis in my kidneys (I no longer need pain meds daily) Lamicatal for mood and depression, and they are weening me down off Ativan for the crippling anxiety (so far so good...one less med to take) Trazadone to sleep, which they also hope to phase out sometime.

I have a disease, which when Im manic or feeling ok, tells me I dont need meds. I have to remember it sometimes lies to me.

We are lucky indeed to have a place, even virtually where we can share our experience, knowledge and good will. Many people dont have even that in their lives.

Of my friends, I know of 3 who are Bipolar. None of them take their meds religiously. It's just the nature of bipolar to think you're on top of the world and that you're invincible. When I ask them if they're taking their meds, they all say this: "off and on". From what I know (and I might be wrong), off and on doesn't work for this disorder because the effectiveness builds over time.

And so, they continue to hurt the people around them. I mean, they really, really hurt the people around them. They don't mean to. But they do. All of them. What bipolars do to others psychologically and emotionally (but rarely physically, at least in my experience) is extremely destructive. It's especially destructive to the people in a bipolar person's life who don't know that the person is bipolar, or doesn't understand what behaviors are associated with it. It's especially destructive to people who are willing to put up with their eccentricities (so it's worse for the nice people).

Anyway. All I can say is medicate religiously. Just take em. Do everyone a favor and take your pills.

I take Adderall and I have completely lost my appetite. I literally force myself to eat because I know that I'll hurt my health if I don't. So, everyday I swallow food that I don't care to eat. I just do it, bite after bite. This is just one pill. Just take it and don't think about it. Take it for everybody who knows you and for everybody you haven't met yet that you're going to hurt.

Bipolar is the most horrible affliction I've ever witnessed because it affects so many people with its 'splash damage'.

Medicate. Don't think you're smart. Medicate

I have a disease, which when Im manic or feeling ok, tells me I dont need meds. I have to remember it sometimes lies to me.This would make a good sticky. Thanks for sharing.

Agree Imnapl..


Nothing said truer...I feel you man..I really really do!

We are happy you found you way back home.

I have not visited the "dark" side in awhile. Well not since the chaos with my son began...and escalated...

Tonight I find myself being visited again. It's oddly familiar...but not so enjoyable ...it's almost a mixed episode. Extreme sadness, and mania...at the same time. Feeling the need to explore the deep dark black writing that is often my friend at this time.

I hope to say goodbye to this once I write, which is often a way to put it to sleep so to speak. Bipolar Therapy...and I would like to think it won't visit again soon, but we know ...meds are not a cure...and only minimize the symptoms...but it's nice to know what's coming...and to know it's going a lot faster...


I miss it only briefly perhaps the meds help the insanity really remain temporary...and ...then I read back in my older posts, or my blog and I remember why I ended up with the diagnoses ....I love to sleep!

OK folks, make up something coherently logical and I will gladly stick it where it belongs...or shall I just make something up myself? Let me know...

I recently entered a "standard" cycle and am currently working my way through the "dark side" of it. I could gladly sleep my life away right now and this in spite of the meds I take religiously. Its important to note that:

In spite of the most excellent medications combos, bipolars may, can, and often do cycle. Even with meds we can count on several cycles a year, minimum. There is no absolute cure for bipolar disorder, which makes it crucial that we continue our meds even when Madman Mania tells us that we are immortal.

It helps to have somebody we know and love that is trustworthy to remind us of this, but not when we are in the middle of a cycle. That's the best we can hope for because while cycling?? We are not gonna listen. Depressed or manic, we will not care one way or another.

Im very lucky to have the man in my life that I do have...I was the one who asked for help, I was the one who went to my doctor.No one told me to, or threatened me, etc. When I began rationalizing about my kids (Shawns 20, hes a grown up, he will be ok, Sammies going to college, shes on her way, Lizzie will have Daddy...etc etc) I knew I was in trouble. My reactions at work and toward Robert and my children werent negative, on the contrary, I tried to hide it...I internalized it.I had been trying to work too many hours,third shift and trying to sleep in shifts (which does NOt work), perfectionism at the job, finding out I was ill and there isnt much they can do til my kidneys shut down completely not to mention it may be in my lungs and brain, had been off meds for three years...it was only a matter of time, russian roullette.I am out on disability for right now...I didnt lose my job or do something drastic or stupid there.

Robert says my issues are no deeper than his issues, which was a first for me. Someone who told me Im NOT broken and he is not broken...some of us are born with freckles, some with one arm shorter than another, some of us have blue eyes, some tuberous sclerosis( lol like me for example) the list goes on about our uniquenesses.

I actually have times when I miss being in the hospital. What I missed was the daily communication with others who have disorders that can destroy them and their lives. And they are working toward getting better and fight the good fight.And then I remembered this forum.

The truth is, as Crazy Feet said above me, is we can cycle even when we are doing everything 'right'...should we hate ourselves and tell ourselves how bad we are or dangerous to others? There are many diferent forms of Bipolar...I dont shop til I get in debt, I dont beat my children or leave them alone to go out partying in a manic haze, I dont feel invincible and gamble it all...I get hypomanic and depressed...I becme anxiety and tears embodied.

What I have to remember is I have a disorder that tells me I dont have a disorder...or worse, that Im being a wimp...

Oh and not to mention I had no insurance for 13 years, at sme points no car and was buying my meds out of pocket. Lats face it, when you have to choose between paying the electirc and buying 500 dollars worth of meds, youre tempted...NOW Im in the system and if I lose my insurance will still be able to receive my meds. They have a three year waiting list at the local mental health place.

Oh Lafnalot, I am soooooooooo glad to hear you got some medical insurance help!! Its impossible to keep up with the meds with no insurance :( I cannot imagine having to choose between meds and food...and I know I would choose the food, feed my kids then cycle like a maniac....you must be so relieved!

You are very lucky to have the support that you have too. You have a lot going for you. And now you are back...and have the rest of the Cycling Team to count on too :) we are here whenever we can be!

{{{HUGS}}}

THANKS!!! Hugs back

Today is not such a great day. I keep trying to tell myself the anxiety, the tears and racing thoughts are chemically induced etc. I lowered the amount of things I need to do today so I wont be stuck in summer traffic at the jersey shore on a saturday five times in one day...which releived some of the anxiety.I have on soft native music of an Oneida native woman singing to create that quiet haven feeling. I also am weening off coffee again and drinking soothing herbals instead today (God willing I wont get a caffeinne headache). I just have to hold on til Tuesday for my med check appointment. I journaled which helped me identify my emotions. I hate set backs.

You and me both! This last cycle made me wanna just...I dunno...give up? :(

I put the painting I was trying to work on away and am going to do beadwork instead, methodical and soothing. I sorta want my Mommy (lol) Butch it up Chrissy---Mommy isnt there and YOURE the grownup...act it.

Yea but that's a good way to describe it Lafn..I want my Mommy. I like it, that makes sense to me :). And I do my PSP to soothe myself so I get where you are coming from there too. ;)

I love my PSP, and miss doing my web graphics. But lets face it, right now my brain couldnt handle retraining myself since its been a few years since I worked with it. Kudos to you, I like the work Ive seen of yours.

Thanks sooo much! I get very critical of my own work. I like honest feedback :) and I think you could take PSP up again easily. Its like riding a bike I bet!

Well I took a nap and am much less anxious. I painted a bit and stopped myself before i over worked what I was working on at the moment. I did some emailing and tried to straighten out my book shelves (who am I fooling? Until I get at least two more tall shelves Im going to have piles of books in corners) I think I will tackle Lizz's room since she comes home tomorrow from Daddys house.

I think I'm just going to have to accept that I am not the same person I was before this hospitilization and may not be the same me ever again. My fragility is frightening to me. That may be a GOOD thing . Growth is neccesary.

I really admire the courage it must have taken just to say that, Lafn. I think you have a good handle on this. :)

{{{MORE HUGS}}}

OK small update:

Phasing out Atavan (thank GOD...I ran out for three days and it was physically ugly by the second day. And before anyone jumps on me, I take eight different meds a day for things not just involving my mood disorder, so I didnt run out due to laziness, I miscounted We are down to 2 a day broken in half for four doses.

Added in Seroquel for sleep instead of Trazadone...last night was first night on it and lemme tell you it knocked me for a loop. Hopefully I wont sleep 14 hours after my body gets used to it. If it absolutely doesnt work for me we will go back to Trazadone. But her goal is to quiet the racing thoughts which she (my Pdoc) feels is the root of the anxiety and inability to sleep. Crossing my fingers.

Hey Laf...oh med changes...what fun.

You have a wonderful attitude..and I anticipate if you keep it, you will be fine!

My teenager was changed off of Risperdal, which I still take to sleep when the vortex of mania kicks in....he was able to override it...and he went onto the Seroquel. It knocked him out like a horse tranqualizer the first couple of times...

We moved him down to 50mg from 150mg. When he ended up hospitalized...the phsyc doc called me and said he was still very anxious and not sleeping well and asked to up the Seroquel. He stated he really likes the way the Seroquel handles the anxiety and the sleeping issue, in conjunction with his Lamictal.
So I agreed. I was concerned about the sleepiness as well. He stated once it gets in their system...about a week that side effect drops off ...and you adjust once you have been leveled out. I agreed. And I could tell a big difference in 2 weeks.

Just my 2 cents on Seroquel from the outside. I took it once , just to see the difference in it and Risperdal...oh boy does it help with sleep...I could take 3mg of Risperdal and still walk. ....

Good luck....let us know how it goes..


Hope :)

Icky hairy day today complete with tears, curling up on the bed, wishing I was back at hospital and even saying I wish I had just done it right (what landed me in hospital). Called my med nurse who spoke to the shrink. She said to take the Ativan I have been cutting back and stay at the level we are at for one more week before taking it back some more.

After taking it I lay on the bed crying in the dark (dark soothes me for some reason). Robert came in and crawled (as best a 6'3" guy can do) behind me and spooned me, rocking me, letting me talk, then talking himself for a half hour or so. He said again, it isnt your fault you have tuberous sclerosis, just like it isnt your fault you have bipolar disorder. You will feel better eventually and you arent alone in this, you have Me, you have the kids, you have your sisters, you have my family...we all love you and know you will be ok.

How can I feel so alonesometimes when I have so many wonderful blessings in my life? I dislike that I am so ungrateful sometimes.

Im going to take a nap and try again in a little while.

Lafn, you certainly don't feel that way on purpose! There is no logic and no reason to BP. Please don't beat yourself up, hun. The brain chemicals are just overwhelming you now, its nothing you are doing wrong OK?

If its any consolation, one of the first things I think of when I cycle is "Gee I wish I was back in the hospital, where people would take care of me and others were just like me.". :o I loved having daily group and therapy, and being able to call on a psychiatrist several times a week instead of for 1/2 an hour once a month :rolleyes:.

I know this logically, but emotionally........you know the drill. Tha nap helped, for some reason Im just so tired today, I may even go to bed early

Sure I know that drill ;) you couldn't convince me if it was my turn either!

Weird...I got plenty of sleep last night but I woke up tired and have felt exhausted all day too. I think I may have gotten too much sleep, ya know what I mean?

After ten months of almost no sleep, Im definately eating up sleep. I think some days we just need more than others. Sleep is the time our body repairs itself etc

I dunno, it seems like the more sleep I get lately, the more tired I am during the day. Its just...weird.

Hmmm...you getting any physical excercise?

Do I have to answer that? :o No I haven't. Its so hot here in SC that even walking to the mailbox makes me break into a sweat.

Yea I hear ya sister. I do something inside to get my blood pumping, even if for a moment. I notice too that the more overcast r rainy a day, themore sleepy I am

Yea rainy days do that to me, too. I just wanna curl up with some blankets and goof off. Its hard enough to get motivated on a sunny day, and rainy overcast days are worse.

But hey, I am so old that simply housecleaning gets my blood pumping! I reckon that may be part of it lately. We've all been pretty lax and gotten behind on stuff like that.

I have plans for getting that stuff accomplished tomorrow, at least a good portion of it anyway. Tomorrow is also school registration and I hate that. I always hate the stuff associated with going in to the schoolhouse :o...would you believe its still the same for me? Paperwork, rules, due dates, waiting in line, all of them drove me nuts when I was in school and they drive me nuts now that its the kids.

LOL I can so relate. In fact the idea that i have to sit down and type out a letter to the school re: the fact that they said they were doing someting for Lizz back in April and never followed through exhaustes me. lol

Oh good grief that reminds me that this year I have to push like mad to get Space into a program for kids with ADHD! They "observed" her for 6 weeks :eyebrow: last year and decided she didn't need to have a program...then she failed math. She went to summer school and passed but that's so not the point! Had she had a supportive structure, she might not have had to go through all that. :soapbox:


UGH!! :mad:

Well, Im hoping since I have my foot in the door with county mental health I will be able to get Lizz in there for a look over. She hits the ground running, talks a mile a minute, goes through low lows and high highs...God all she needs is another dx on top of the aspergers. My family is absolutely riddled with mood, neurological and personaility disorders. God help the kid.

We have the same kind of family! Nobody is NT here. DH has brain damage related issues, Space and I have the BP, ADHD and s/i/d and the school is like "WTF??" :eyebrow:...I wish some diety, any will do, would help all these kids make it through the public school system. Kids are sooooo mean and cruel!

You know I homeschooled two of my kids for three years. I am seriously thinking of homeschooling Lizz again, it made Sammie a stronger more self-motivated person, secure in her own personality, not afraid to not follow the crowd etc. The social issue people scream about is a reality, but its just another situation you plan to take care of daily. I was part of a homeschool co op so i knew other homeschoolers and the kids rarely lacked for social situations.
But, *sigh* first I need to get my head uncracked again

That's exactly my fear at this point, Lafn. Space is too far advanced in school (7th grade) for me to keep up with the level of work the curriculum requires. I never could do math and suspect that I have undiagnosed dyscalculia. There is just no feasible way that I could meet the county requirements for homeschooling :( at 7th grade level.

That's really hard for me to admit, man, I feel so worthless now...all my skills lie in languages and sciences...and I use a calculator to do even the simplest math. This works for me but if push came to shove, I would be totally incapable of teaching my own child mathematics. The old man would be able to if he were not a trucker, and I would hate to ask him to come in from 2 weeks on the road and try to teach weeks of mathematics in the few days he has at home.

Well to be honest, I taught my kid way above my own math ability. It IS possible...I used websites, premade tests and work sheets etc. I also had the network of the homeschool co op, my forte was language, social studies, literature art etc, so we traded alot. But it IS alot, no doubt. Homeschooling isnt for every child, every parent or every family.

The fact that you are so involved with your kid is what is going to be his or her saving grace.

Thanks so much for reminding me of that fact Lafn :)...I talk to teens and young adults here at ADDF and many times I have heard "how lucky" Space, Missing and the little one are to have me for a mother. I AM very involved with these girls! In fact, my kids as teens and adolescents actually would consent to be seen with me in public :D which in and of itself is quite an accomplishment with girls. Their friends know and like me.

You made me feel so much better Lafn :) and I thank you for that!

I remember the day my son, who was 19 at the time said as we were laughin hysterically over something "There HAS to be something wrong with having this much fun with your mother" :D

Its been two not so great days. No ruminating on ideations though the thoughts are present.Definately the beginning of a mixed episode...tomorrow I see my therapist.

I slept again another fourteen hours and forced myself out of bed. Then to get showered and dressed and then to food shop. I loathed every minute of it. I tried to nap but cant sleep ( uh maybe after fourteen hours I had enough?) But I WANT to sleep...I wantto escape this feeling.

I hear you Laf. I just did the same thing. I just finished the mixed episode from hell. Brought on my "the changing" of hormones....I went from very little sleep. Aggitation, anger, then desperation , avoidence, to tears....yesterday..was somewhat normal...then I went home and proceeded to go to sleep from early evening..about 6:30 to umm 7a this morning...yep...I hear you.

Even on meds. We have our days...I just don't stay as long anymore. And what turned into weekends of sleeping, might be one day. And from 4 days of hypomania down to 1-2...I wish they would go away completely and perhaps with med tweaking I can get better results. But you know what. I know there is no cure, on a cessation of symptoms. And if the episodes are cut in half. I can live wiht that for now.

Hang in there! You did manage to get out of the bed and get something done. It might not seem like much..but we all know what a big thing that is. So good for you!

Hope :)

I was mistaken, I didnt have an appointment with my therapist,,,blah! How ever, I called the psyche nurse at the facilities and she spoke with doc who upped my seroquel since we were going to raise it come Tuesday anyway (I take it at night to stop my racing thoughts so I can sleep...had two nights of not sleeping again...Lord this see saw crap is the worst) But I also
have to check with the service each day until my med check, which helped me feel safe. Robert was awesome yesterday , which was the worst so far, he simply took me out riding in the Jeep. Thats it, no pressure, just riding and enjoying the breeze over the bay. Next thing I knew we were at the computer place buying a laptop for my daughter who is off to college because he doesnt want me to be without mine (I was giving her mine because I didnt think we could afford a new one for her) This made me cry because he is so kind, so giving, so understanding. So we passed the evening seting up her laptop and cleaning her room (can you say "disgusting") so she could be surprised when she got home from work. It really helpedme feel good to see her so excited and grateful. Sometimes I just need to get out of myself and do something good for someone else.

Like you said, hopefully this med tweeking will cut the time down...I cant say I dont want it simply gane cause I would be lying like a rug. Im still at that place of hating this disorder.

Lafnalot, I understand your anger having the disorder. I have had a neurological disoder, epilepsy since the age of nine months old. All my life ( childhood) I took this orange liquid medication. I thought it was normal , if there is a level or normalacy, what did I know.

The day I was told I had Epilepsy I was angry and sometimes still am. I get the accommodations I need in college, yet I still underneath this strong exterior there is a little girl that feels the insecurities of not being able to catch on fast, and having all the problems that go along with the disorder.

Somewhere down the line I forgot about it. I did get involved with an older woman tending to her needs until her death in April of this yr. It helped me to take my "woe is me" attitude and focus on someone else instead. I was also mess a few years ago, and had many people help me. Now I have Mary's dog, her name is Penny and she is a love. I was able to see Mary before she died, she was at the nursing home down the street. What I am trying to say, is to get into something, visiting a nursing home and reading to them or teaching the the painting you are so good at. Do something.

I am glad you are here again.

I am having "one of those days". I am literally paging through the Bipolar posts looking for the ones I have personally made...so that I can take my own advice :(.

Its lying to me again. Good thing for Space being here, and her also being on Lamictal. No way to not be medication compliant when you have to make another person you love comply.

Crazy-Feet~


I don't know why Space doesn't like the Lamictal very much, but I can attest to it taseting awful. I have to take it with milk (which somehow masks the taste competely) because with anything else, I feel like I'll be sick...

Im telling you my kids have been my biggest lesson in self discipline (which I have to learn and re learn over and over again because Im hard headed). My daughter heads to college in Chicago this week and its killing me...what will I do without her...what will she do without me...I think its the one environmental stressor right now thats continuing to trigger me.

Keep reading your own advice...keep giving it to us, we need to hear it :)

Crazy-Feet~


I don't know why Space doesn't like the Lamictal very much, but I can attest to it taseting awful. I have to take it with milk (which somehow masks the taste competely) because with anything else, I feel like I'll be sick...It wasn't Space considering not being compliant with medications...it was me, Lafn. I said it was hard to consider that, even though the illness was busy telling me sweet little lies, because I am responsible for making Space comply. She loves Lamictal.

I don't have any problems with a bad taste and as far as I know neither does she.

Good for you CF...the ONE AND ONLY thing good about having a BP child that IS taking thier meds. Put in ear plugs would you.

And I hate the taste of Lamictal...aargh. It has the chalky after taste if you don't drink something thick..or don't let it touch your mouth very long...
I used to take meds so much, I could just swallow them without any liquid, like my Adderall/ Risperdal and my vitamens...not this stuff..I tried it once and almost lost my lunch.

CF, I got that from your post :) What I meant by my children having ben my biggest lesson in self discipline is just by their very presense I am required to do things I may not do if I hadnt been a parent...functioning, doing the righht thing etc etc

Hey Lafn, et al -

Found myself reading all 4 pages of your thread and identifying with so much of it. I've not been diagnosed with Bipolar but have struggled with chronic dysthymia with long-lasting bouts of Major Depression on top of it since I was a girl. And I'm also a mom (a VERY single mom at that) and have had substance abuse problems in the past. So - in light of all that history - I just really wanted to share with you my thoughts about how you are making it through these past few weeks (since the beginning of this thread).

You mentioned that you no longer are taking painkillers for your kidney condition (I'm assuming you're refering to some sort of narcotic pain reliever) AND you are being weaned off Ativan . . . Dang, girl!! Never mind the bipolar, ADHD, physical ailments, etc. -- from where I'm from, just going from using the painkillers and benzos regularly to NOT using them much -- that would make ME and the substance abusing acquaintances I used to have go quite BISERK for anywhere from months to indefinitely!!! (And I hope you forgive me if this is coming out not quite right. I'm in NO WAY trying to compare YOUR situation from that of a "druggies." I just have witnessed the distress stopping these kind of medications has on even the most NORMAL and "non-drug-abusing" of people!! SO -- MY POINT is: I am VERY PROUD of how strong and resilient you are during this time.

I am really admiring your mustering up the strength to honestly share about how it's going for you, etc. So THANK YOU ALL (CrazyFeet, AlHope, others too . . . please forgive me for forgetting your names) for sharing on this great thread. It's nice to observe everyone supporting one another through such painful and trying times!!

Sincerely,
Sue

Wow, what a kind and supportive post...youve actually made me speechless--
(Almost--lol) I am also recovered 23 years, God willing 24 on Halloween, though my drugs of choice were alcohol and meth back when I was using...I had to do alot of soul searching and accept that there were going to be times when I would have to take a pain killer,BUT (and its a really big but) only IF Tylenol or one of my non narcotic pain releivers were tried FIRST. Self honesty has to be rigorous or I get myself in jackpots. The Cymbalta has been a Godsend for me, I have only had to take pain killers twice since being home from the hospital and that was because of rigorous physical activity which caused alot of strain on my kidneys. Chronic pain was about half the reason for my major decline, the depression from it and finding out about my TS was like the straws on the camels back. I was literally hospitalized four days after finding out there was nothing they could do for it.

I really want to thank you for pointing out what I am doing RIGHT, as did others who posted here. It is all too easy for us to forget what we are doing that is good and right.

I read alot of threads, since Im nosey (LOL) and learn so much from everybodies shares, I feel extrodinarily lucky to have this forum at my disposal.

Hey Lafnalot!

I'm SO VERY GLAD that you took my post as the compliment it was meant to be. (I've often gotten into trouble because of the way I word things -- people seem to get an entirely DIFFERENT meaning from what I say, etc. Glad that didn't happen here.)

BTW: I LOVE your username! Lafn a lot! That's what I like to be doing!!!

How goes it today?

Luv,
Sue

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I dont know if this will embed or not...

Sammie left for college this afternoon and I am just bereft. I tried beading, and couldnt, I tried reading and couldnt, I tried cleaning and gave up, I tried listening to music and turned it off...

Its just me, Robert and Lizz now...Ive been a mother of three for 20 years, it's what I do...I havent let Lizz see just how upset I am , I dont want her to feel like Ive forgotten she is still here with me.

But oh this is so hard...I laid on her empty bed and just cried. I know its normal and I know she is doing a good thing and all is as it should be, but my God I miss her, it aches. I dont know if its supposed to be so hard or if its my chemicals being still off balance (which I know logically they are)

Im tired of whining...Im sorry I just keep going on with it.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=oMd6AiNjqeA

Ok heres the link instead

Pffft! Who are we to judge you for whining when you are sad? That sounds like a pretty normal response to me...I want my Mommy, remember? :)

I often wonder how its going to feel when my LAST one leaves home...its so far away but it crosses my mind from time to time anyway.

Ty for the editing :) Im grateful

No problem, you are very welcome. :)