View Full Version : Loss of a Child

07-27-07, 09:56 PM
Update on the teenager. For any of you who have read my 100 posts on my 15 year old son, who is ADD & Bipolar II , just like dear old mom, here is the last update.

He got out of intensive treatment July 6th. After issues with full blown BP episodes and getting into legal trouble....and being a Crisis level 10 for suicidal ideations...he blew it not 2 full weeks out and free.

He is now headed for ODYS, and chances are I will not see my now 15 1/2 year old son until he is 17 at minimum. Depending on the judge and what new charges they add. Most likely the next time I see him, outside, he will be an adult.

It is so sad. I had to face the facts that I could no longer protect him from his poor choices and lack of responsibility. While it goes against a mom's very nature not to protect, it's also our job to let them go and not enable them to continue in that type of behavior, since that in itself, allows them to remain ill and never grow up. But it's a hard and bitter pill to swallow.

My heart is broken and I feel like he spit in my face after all I did to save him.
But children especially ill one's often do that. And like addicts, often need to hit rock bottom before they feel the need to get help. It has taught me another hard lesson in facing my own issus of being a co-dependant / enabler. Geez.

I suspect he will keep running. I have not heard from him since Monday. I will attempt to lure him home to get him to court next week, in the hopes he doesn't bail before he gets into court. And this is only because I can't protect him and right now, he is probably out self medicating and really in danger.
My solace is the system knows his history and he will probably end up in the phsyc division of the system.

I so wish we would have known so much earlier that he was so sick, well and me for that matter perhaps we could have saved him, or perhaps not. I will never know and living stuck in that regret will not help me or him.


07-27-07, 10:13 PM
Hugs and more hugs deep from the bottom of my heart.

07-27-07, 10:24 PM
Thanks, means so know it does.

My only hope is that just one parent, can read my story and get HELP for their child before it's too late...

This place has been wonderful to me. All of you have been wonderful and I am grateful for the friendships I have made here...

I have 2 more to raise, and I am going to do my best to avoid this if possible.

07-27-07, 11:17 PM
You know, as a mother, I can only imagine how you feel. I remember my son, now 20, getting in and out of counceling for his depression while living with his father. He lives somewhat on his own with a family near his dad that he rents a room from. In the past year he has talked about feeling he may be bipolar, and how the partying people took as a teen age thing may be more than that...whether or not he will go for help is up to him. I can bang my head, talk and talk...I lost what good moments we did have left being angry with him at that time. You have a much better stronger and healthy response. I will be sending good vibes, prayers, what ever you want to call them, to you and yours...Thanks for being here and being willing to share. You're goal and aim is inspirational.

07-27-07, 11:42 PM
Thanks Laf....that means a lot.

I spent most of my life blaming everything on everyone else, content to be in the same state. One of the few things that helped me, even at an early age, when I wasn't caught up in self, was helping someone else. I would have never made it through everything that has happened to me that last year, if it hadn't been for all the support from friends, family and this wonderful place. And as life has moved forward for me, I look forward to coming here and learning from others and opening up has healed me. One difference though is instead of helping everyone else in the form of hyperfocus on other's issues and not my own has changed. I look into myself first now, and have to be open. It helps me forge forward and heal myself and take my own advice , walk the walk you know? before I jump forward and offer to others....and if I inspire, or help one person wake up and think, then as I often say, I will leave this earth knowing I have done something worth while to pay it forward to so many who have done it for me....

So happy you came back...always happy to have more folks to get support from and support!

Hope :)

07-28-07, 12:10 AM
HHHUUUGGGSS ( So so sorry Hope. I know this has got to be a blow. Seriously, I have some strong fears about Space of this same nature. The child is so stubbornly resistant to understanding that she is bipolar! I have to remind her all the time, and make her take her meds, and in general mommy-coddle her into some semblance of reason.

07-28-07, 12:42 AM
KZ....there are no guarentees....but you are a great mom. And all you can do, is try. The fact that she comes a benefit and leg up , Keenan refused to do. Keep that in mind. She might not appear to deal wiht it, but coming here to hang a very good sign. Chin up, mom!

07-28-07, 12:46 AM
Ya know I never considered that, although I am fairly sure that she comes to play the games and indulge her creativity, and man! Is she loaded with that!

07-28-07, 12:50 AM
And that alone dear is healthy. Again another thing Keenan didn't utilize enough. The good way to deal with cycles..and frustrations. He had just started, by taking bike ride, working out, drawing , and listening to music when he was overwhelmed or upset. And he blew it all.

Just having the connection here wiht everyone, will make her more likely to reach out when she is ready. She has a whole entire family here. And you are responsible for leading her here.

Remember when I first came, I told you I was not interested in digging into the other sections where all the drama and stress was. I ventured when I was ready KZ. ....and well look where I am now.

07-28-07, 01:04 AM
I can see over time that you and I have gotten much more adventurous with regards to this place. There was a time when I would have gladly stopped posting at all than admit to a cycle :eek:...and I am so upset that Kee is blowing it. I wish he HAD come here so that the Family could have wrapped some loving arms around him, virtually speaking. A lot of us would have been there for him, instead of your doing this all alone.

07-28-07, 01:59 AM
Ah, Hope. Mental illness sucks! I can't imagine what you are going through waiting to hear from your son. He's so young to have to deal with all of this. Lots of adults haven't figured things out and he's just a kid. Take care.

07-28-07, 02:55 AM
I know the feeling of always wanting to save them from themselves, I just wonder who is going to save me from myself. . . . Michelle has had problems with depression. . .okay unlike you that is when I hear from her when she is depressed . . . you on the other hand do not answer phone = sleeping. . .

Gary gets to hear all about it and it is probably a good thing he has ADD other wise he might be insane if he could sit long enough to actually hear it all. He made a comment about a story I had told him long ago which scared me into realizing some times he does actually listen, it is just hard to tell when.

The story was about the time I was trying to teach the twins how to ride their bikes. They had training wheels but decided they wanted them off so Dad took them off and left me to teach the girls.

So they took turns riding up and down the street as I hung onto the back of their seats. . . after some time Little David came out watched us briefly and went back inside. More time passed and again he came out side this time with his Dad and watched for a moment then went back inside. I was getting quiet the work out but still my daughters could not ride their bikes. It began getting late and I needed to fix supper but the girls pleaded for me to help them one more time. . . . an hour or so later Little David came out side and offered to help. I showed him how I had been doing it and then watched him help the girls. All seemed fine so I went inside and started supper leaving Little David outside with the girls.

I no sooner began browning the hamburger meat and I heard the front door open, and the TV turn on. I went into the living room to find Little David plopped down in front of the TV.

"Hey I thought you were going to teach the twins how to ride their bikes so I could cook supper?"

"Oh I am done" he assured me

I went over and looked out the living room window and sure enough there were both girls riding up and down the street on two wheels.

Flabbergasted I spun around and looked at Little David " I was out there over three hours, you did it in less than twenty minutes! How did you do it so fast?"

Easy he shrugged " I let go of the seat."

There are times that in order for our children to learn to ride on their own we have to let go of the damn bicycle seat!" . . . . . . .. :faint:

I gave that analogy to Gary years ago when he ran into some of the same rescue issues with his own grown children. He has managed to hang onto the story long enough to remind me of it now and again when I need to remember. Now I am sharing it with you. . . some times the best thing we can do is to let go because holding on will only hold them back. No letting go isn't easy but sense when has the right way been the easy way?

You have done all within your power and Keenan has made his own choices having nothing to do with you. . . his acts are his bi-polar or not. He needs to shake hands with the consequences. Remember how bad Justin was. . . Justin now living on his own has had to wear the clean up after slobs shoes mom had on so long when he lived at home . . . Justin needed to live on his own with other people as messy as he used to be. . . . mom could gripe and throw fits but Justin didn't learn until she let go of his bicycle seat. . . if I remember right you were much the same way.

Let go but don't loose hope or Hope in the process. {pun intended}

07-28-07, 03:13 AM
You are correct Tam.

I remember that story very well now. Perhaps, like you, I just needed to hear it again.

I am working through the 2 very , drastically opposing arguements within myself with regards to Keenans situation.

The mom protector to a small innocent child, whether they are actually still small or not.

The mom who has taught all, and realizes it's time to let the bird take flight knowing full well , although she has taught them the best she can, and with all the knowledge she was passed, might actually fall to the ground.

I have not given up the dream he will take true flight. Like myself and Justin. We seemed to seemed to have come to our own middle ground in time, and about the same way. And I have to deal with fact, he might hit the ground, recover with just a broken wing, or never fly again. That is the hardest.

Guilt is a hard thing to let go of , especially where your children are concerned. You know this all to well, as you shared wiht me in your Blog.
But you are correct sometimes it's enough and it has to be time to let go, so everyone can move on.

It's early in the game for me. With therapy fresh, the silt and muck is still rising to the surface. I can only do harm by stuffing it back where it came from. In fact I think that will be dangerous enough at this point to render me quite useless.

While I am dealing with the guilt and regrets.
I have seemed to be able to put responsibility in order and in the right place now. On his shoulders.

I am without guilt in the fact, I know I have done everything humanly possible to help him. Now it's his turn. And now it's time, to let someone bigger than me take over, ergo the "humanly" possible. I will leave it at that, in this genre.

I appreciate you always being straight with me. You are one of the few people I actually HEAR IT from, and can digest it without immediately regurgitating it. Thank you for that.

In a strange way, we are close to the same spot with our kids. Except you have come to terms and been released from your albatross. My time will come. I will not let this destroy me , not for him or the one's behind him, and not for myself.

I have to simply refuse to get stuck in old patterns. For me it's like being in "quick" setting concrete. If I don't move quickly. I could find myself there for a very long time , until someone is kind enough to come along and chip me out. You have a fascinationg gift to be able to do that. I am thankful.

I will be happy to look back on this, and see the many detailed facets, and the changes in directions, onwards and upwards, is my hope

Much like my own journey with Bipolar in my own writings. I have certainly seen the metamorphisis over the last 10 months. My expectations of myself, and for the well being of all I am connected with, is to do the same with this trial.

Hope :)

07-29-07, 02:49 AM
You shall come to the place of acceptance in your own time and at your own pace. After all you have a lot on your plate. You were just beginning the process of coming to the acceptance of your own bi-polar and before you had a chance to recover you got hit with Keenan's so don't be to hard on your self in the emotional department.

To me in my logical mind it seem that having walked through ADD acceptance that should an added diagnosis come along one would qualify for the two for one special. You know where the ADD acceptance would also cover the bi-polar one, after all they are both life time conditions. All I can say is emotions are any thing but logical and adding a diagnosis to your life means another journey through all the emotional poo in order to obtain acceptance for the second condition = that really sucks.

From what I have read heard and such bi-polar can cause emotions to take on a life of their own which makes things a little more than slippery t say the least. However many of the emotions are exaggerated and when Michelle is in her dark place she seems to view every thing through those lenses. There are times it seemed as if she looked for reason's to feel bad. Behaviors or words that she "wasn't proud" of six month ago now became evidence of her worthlessness as a human and cause to consider ending her life. . . .

I have also heard that we do not see things based upon what they are but based upon who we are. When we believe some thing to be true we look around for things to back our own version of reality. Remember when you are in the dark place you will be seeing every thing through those eyes so what you see will be distorted.

Chemical changes in the brain can be so profound as to cause hallucinations, I once saw thousands of bugs marching across my ceiling and was surprised I had never noticed them before. I have been known to miss some stuff but thousands of bugs marching in one direction seems a bit drastic of a miss even for me. . . My eyes were seeing bugs because my brain chemistry had been changed. . . . the difference being I did mine to myself by swallowing things I shouldn't. The LSD didn't cause me to see things I have never seen it merely distorted stuff already present in my life. Bugs on ceilings do exist but rarely in the thousands, never marching and never ever without being noticed. . . The next day I looked up at the place I had seen the marching bugs the night before, what saw as bugs were actually shadows from those acoustical bumps many apartments sprayed on ceilings back in those days. Bugs are real and so are shadows cast off from those little paint bumps but because of the change in my brain chemistry, my mind took the two and shoved them together creating a warped sense of reality that was an exaggeration = not real.

Your brain chemistry does it's own "all natural" thing that makes the blues turn to pitch black however the thing they have in common is both mental states cause our eyes to see things in a distorted manner. Those feeling of failure and self loathing will be met by reason's generated by your brain based upon events in your life however the images from the dark pit are no more real than my acoustic ceiling bugs. . . .some thing to ponder should you find your self at the bottom of that pitch black hole. Hey knowing the bugs weren't real allowed me to keep my sanity in a place where many have lost it.

08-08-07, 06:14 PM

I am so sorry I have not been visiting the forum to see the latest news about Keenan. I think it is true what people have said, that everyone has to deal with their own stuff when they are ready. I truly was not ready until about a year ago, even though the term "bipolar" had come up before. I have spent a lot of time in Denial, and I still hang out there from time to time. Sometimes I just can't face stuff that I really need to deal with.

I think it can be especially hard for a teenage boy to have a disorder of this kind. Not that it is ever easy for anyone, but experience and age have changed my perspective quite a bit. I remember how intense all my feelings were as a teenager when the old hormones kicked in. Sort of an "out of body" experience just going through puberty.

Some hugs from me! A few pats on the back! I am so sorry that it came to this. I hope he will be safe there.

08-08-07, 07:18 PM

I'm so sorry about all that your family is going through. Nothing is harder than worrying about your kids, especially when it's not possible to rescue them. He's lucky to have a mom who loves and cares for him so much. Hopefully one day he'll understand that and use that resource in his life. I'm sending prayers and hugs your way.

Take care,

08-09-07, 12:50 PM
Thank you, Scattered....and of course everyone else.

We are in a holding pattern now. A warrent has been issued for him, as of last week. I have instructions to go file the Runaway report. They wanted me to wait until they had issued the warrent that way when they do find him, he will go straight to jail, no passing go no collecting $200.00.

We heard word the house he was staying at , with the mother who contributes to the delinquency of minors, was shut down. I have my own plans for her. They don't include the violence I once intended..since I have been reminded I don't like jail myself and have others who depend on me. But I will make sure she is at least investigated so she can't do this to any more kids like mine. She is sick too. I spent the last week trying to locate him to lure him home ...before he is too far out. My fear is he is now in Cleveland , and not in the "safer" burbs. Friends came by looking for him asking is he home I am thinking the story might be true, instead of a clever ruse to make me think he wasn't there. So since I really fear for him now. I am off tomorrow and I will have to suck it up and go file. With the hopes they catch him very soon.

I have come to terms with it all. I am at peace with the knowledge as a parent, I have done all I can to help him and show him I love him. The rest is up to him. He will have years to think about it, locked up. My house have been fairly quiet with him gone. His brothers ask about him, but they know what happened. And although we all have a hole where he was. All the anger and chaos is about gone now. It's a shame, to love and not "like" your child at the same time. And it's a shame for your household to be able to breathe easier when one of them are gone.

One journey comes to a close now. And the next is to take advantage of the time and peace I have to concentrate on the one's left behind in hopes I can salvage them. They are wonderful kids. They have been left behind in a lot of the drama. And I spend a great deal of time loving them "extra" now.

Thanks for the prayers, hugs and words of encouragement. They have been of great comfort to me.

Hope :)

08-09-07, 02:12 PM
While not being perfect, here in Canada, some sick people who commit crimes are sometimes able to go to hospital.

It would be nice if the USA had a forensic system for 'mentally disordered offenders'.

Hospital at least gives folks a chance to get better. Corrections only ever seems to worsen things for sick people: and then they enter the merry-go-round of incarceration and release and reoffending.

Better to hospitalize, stabilize and do the ACT Team thing (staffed community housing, supported employment and daily supervised meds).

Unfortunately governments never seem to learn.

08-09-07, 02:24 PM
I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your son Hope.

I am glad that you and the rest of your household are able to experience some peace now.

08-09-07, 03:53 PM
While not being perfect, here in Canada, some sick people who commit crimes are sometimes able to go to hospital.

It would be nice if the USA had a forensic system for 'mentally disordered offenders'.

Hospital at least gives folks a chance to get better. Corrections only ever seems to worsen things for sick people: and then they enter the merry-go-round of incarceration and release and reoffending.

Better to hospitalize, stabilize and do the ACT Team thing (staffed community housing, supported employment and daily supervised meds).

Unfortunately governments never seem to learn.I agree Queen. Some communities in the US are coming around, and have "Mental Health" courts, geered towards working with these kids. And really my son had the opportunity to have a great deal of services geered for that. We had a great support system in place. A group of wonderful people who's sole purpose was to keep him out of incarseration. And even the juvinile system listened and that is why after a month and one week at a "mental intensive treatment" facility....he was released and sent home, with a huge amount of services setup for him. In home therapy 5 hours per week. Day camp designed for kids like him, Art therapy once a week. A job that taught him skills and paid him to help with the restitution, a mental health case worker who came once a week to do follow ups and recommend more services if needed, and a family who was in full support of him. As is the case, he made choices to go back to the streets. I was actually impressed with the system's handlign of the situation and him. IN the beginning I wasn't. However, after research and going on with both barrels loaded, they listened to me and his worker. They made huge decisions he had not had the oppotunity to have before. He blew it himself. Even medicated. So there is nothing we can do for him now, but I will continue to be an advocate for whoever else needs it. And hope that my "education" of the system will help others get the same chance.

And the "incarseration" facility he is going to, is not mainstream juvinile facility. It is for kids who have some type of disability. And he will be remanded to the physc unit there. It's designed to be small only holds about 20-30 kids, and has a DR. on call 24/7, and has staff that are trained to handle them, including the safe way to restrain them if needed, and he will be on 24 hour suicide watch. I would have liked him to be in the original facility he was in, but he made the choice to do it the hard way, and this is the best for him , considering the alternitive. Regular jail, the streets, or death.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your son Hope.

I am glad that you and the rest of your household are able to experience some peace now

And thanks Lars....

08-14-07, 05:20 PM
Just Hope,

I was thinking how perfect your name is for what you're going through now. Just remember to keep holding on to hope. I'm glad things are more peaceful at home for you and your kids. I hope you can began healing and rebuilding. I know that will be a lot easier once your son is located and confined for his own safety. It sounds like a pretty good situation for him, considering the circumstances and options that are left. Not ideal of course, but a lot better than regular prison.

I have a cousin who is definately ADHD and probably a few other undiagnosed things as well, including a drug addict. My aunt is always relieved when she is in prision, because she does very well there -- the model prisoner and because my aunt knows she is a lot safer than on the streets. Keep us informed how things go with locating your son.

Hugs and Continued prayers,

08-24-07, 02:09 PM
Well it's been awhile since I updated you guys.

I did finally get in to file the RunAway Report . I was originally told to hold off pending the Warrent being filed in the suburb I live in. The city I live in doesn't have an actual Juvenile system, all cases are referred to Cleveland, which is a nightmare within itself. So I waited 2 weeks , also in hopes I could convince this "donkey" child of mine to come home on his own.

I was told to wait so in the event they did pick him up in Lakewood they would hold him until Cleveland came and got him. So I went in filed the report. Then the officer tells me , there is no warrent in the system yet? I said if you pick him up, you will just call me? Said yes. He said in most cases, even if there is a warrent they won't even come and get him? I said that kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it? He said yes.

So I did it. I have not been able to track his movements very well. I have only talked to him twice since. Once right before I filed, when he found out about the warrent, and last night.

Talk about deterioration. He called me screaming why did you call so-so's mom stating you knew I was at so-so's house and you were sending the police????
I said I don't even know what you are talking about. Because I really haven't at this point. I am waiting for his "real" friends to pin him down long enough to catch him. However he went on and on about me calling. Which I told him Kee I don't have to lie to you. I have filed RunAway on you. I have a responsibility and I intend to stick to it. I will not hang my butt out there for you anymore. I am not going to appear neglegent. I have 2 other kids to raise who are happy to be home and appreciate having a mom who loves them.

I said I don't have to chase you around every corner. The police will get you sooner or later if you live that long. He went on and on with his ranting. I informed him, you should try taking those meds, you sound like a deranged ding-dong. And what you did, was no one's fault but your own. At some time you will pay the piper for your actions, I just hope it's not with your life.

And then I told him I loved him and hung up the phone.

I have no idea if I will ever see my son again.
I am upset that even if they catch him all they will do is hold him for me to pick up and he will be gone again.
All I can do is hope that I can get info as to where he is, in time to get him , and hope that when they do pick him up they keep him.
He continues to state he is "getting" his money together to move out of state which is ridiculous. Kids unrealistic thinking topped with Bipolar is not a good combo.

Raising a BP kid has to be one of the hardest things in life to deal with.
I have to call my mother again, to remind her how much I love her for putting up with me.

I will go home again tonight wondering where he is. If he is okay. If he is sober, sheltered, and eating. Hoping at some point that he will level enough to come to his senses and grow tired of running and just come home to face the music.'s so sad isn't it. However, it's par for the course with a Bipolar teenager, that doesn't make it easier when you are living it.

Hope :)

08-24-07, 07:29 PM
JustHope, I've been quietly following, and have to remember to bring the tissues when I come here. I just wanted to know that you are an awesome mom. It takes a lot of courage and strength to keep going every day for your family and yourself despite the heartache you feel for your son. You understand your son better than anyone. My thoughts will continually be with you and your family. :)

08-25-07, 04:52 PM
Hi Hope, Here's Hugs, hugs, and more hugs for all that you are suffering over your son. Reading the post had me choked up and tears blurred my vision but one thing is very clear; You sound like a really great Mom and are to be commended as a Paragon of Strength for your other two children and ultimately, Keenan :D I do believe the loving bond between mother and child is one of the deepest and most important bonds of all and hopefully your son will realize and come to appreciate that your actions were out of Love and concern for him. You and your family are in the deepest heart of my prayers and thoughts.
Hope, I truly hope your son is able to come to terms with his condition and you find the strength, faith and hope and ultimate healing that will ease your and your son's pain. Take care, Hon and keep us posted. :)

Here's more Hu-u-u-u-u-u-ugs for you :)

08-26-07, 01:13 AM
Gosh I didn't mean for everyone to get misty eyed. Perhaps I should keep a box of tissue handy here.

I hope there is never another mother who reads this and understands as clearly as I do right now..

It's 12:55am ....and I hear teens coming down the tracks next the the house.
I hear them coming closer and laughing. I hear the faintest reminder it?
I hit the mute...on the radio....and I strain to listen it?

~ Sigh ~'s not.

I wonder if 10 years go by...will I remember his voice?
I wonder does he miss me? Does he miss his brothers, his bed?
Is he close to being tired yet? Where is he laying his head right now?
Does he remember when I tucked him in at night? Kissed his forehead and told him I loved him? Is that enough to ever bring him home?

Days go by and I am okay. Then like tonight...
I find myself straining to hear the faintest sounds of children...
And the hole in my heart opens up just a little wider. And the magnitude of the situation hits me like a freighttrain. And it takes my breath away.
And I think....will I ever see him again? And every mothers albatross weighs heavily on me. The worrying twists and turns in my stomach. What if , What if ....What if.....


-Early in every morn', when suns light the rooms of this house, you are here-
here, inside pictures on the wall- here in the silence of memories.
Your movements are felt inside us, and we reach out to find you against gray walls, undivided, sensing your smile all around us, when thinking your name. There are those who walk with you, as angels in the dark...
angels will find you, by your whisper. And always with you, they watch over you.
And sometimes in the early light of morn', they gather to the shore of every ocean, looking out to the tall white waves, that come in their calling, and together, chant prayers for the missing, that may you find a sense of comfort there.
You are lost, but not far from the single quiet whisper of hope, nor from the eyes of angels, and hearts of those, who still come to the silent waves, in wait of light's flicker... watching from the shore. You, are not alone.

He has to know....he's not alone ????
He has to know I miss him...doesn't he?

But he's taken away...his own choice...very bad ones....and he thinks ..

You Think, Perhaps, that You Will Live Forever

You think, perhaps, that you will live forever,
For death, still out of sight, is out of mind.
Or pain, perhaps, is destined for another,
And anything that's broken soon will mend.
You seek the ecstasy in every moment,
Not caring what the consequence may be,
Yearning for the black, tormented torrent
That twists beneath the border of your day.
You plunge and plunge again, and still don't drown,
Belying all the warnings that you've heard.
Joy fills you to the marrow of your bones,
And all but what you hunger for seems dead.
But all things have a price, as you will learn
Too late, when life presents you with the bill;
And you will die too early, or in pain
Live on with wounds that never wholly heal.
Oh, children full of passion and desire,
Unwilling to mature before you choose!
Remember there is wisdom in your fear,
And reason to think well what you may lose.

And for me....1:10am's quiet outside...but not here my head...or a mothers heart....

I Feel as Though My Heart Must Stop with Pain

I feel as though my heart must stop with pain.
I miss you so, the darkness will not pale.
My darling child, come to me again.
I know you cannot come, and still I strain
To put my arms around you through the veil.
I feel as though my heart must stop with pain.
Other lives and loves call me in vain.
I try to turn away from you and fail.
My darling child, come to me again.
You are my unendurable refrain.
Back and back I hurry to impale
My heart on you, to stop my heart with pain.
Yet nothing that I do undoes the plain
Brutal fact which always must prevail.
Ah, my darling, come to me again!
You are both my sunshine and my rain,
My dearest joy, my anguish, and my grail.
I feel as though my heart must stop with pain.
My darling child, come to me again.

And if he ever.....reads this.....I hope he knows....

I Think About You Most of Every Day

I think about you most of every day.
You are the gift that graces all I do,
The single star that lights my lonely way.
I miss so much what words cannot convey:
The lilt, the laugh, the smile, the savor new.
I think about you most of every day
And dream about the places where you play,
Wandering where you might wander, too,
The single star that lights my lonely way,
The happiness that haunts where I must stay,
This wilderness of soul where wounds accrue.
I think about you most of every day,
And in this cell where I am locked away,
Where no one hears my song, I sing to you,
The single star that lights my lonely way.
I sing of truth that words cannot betray
And love no harrowing can hide from view.
I think about you most of every day,
The single star that lights my lonely way.

How long will he run.....

God I wish he would just come home........

Sorry....I hope you didn't need the tissues again....
I wish I could cry....I'm afraid might never stop
Cursed illness and it's lieing murmurs....
Always laying in wait....pouncing....not even children are immuned...


08-26-07, 04:30 PM
Hope, hon,
Those are all such tender eloquent heartfelt words in what you wrote. I sincerely hope your son will read those words whenever and wherever he is and that they lead him back to you. I am praying they will, sooner than later. Just know you have a lot of support from a lot of us caring folks and friends here on the forum.Wish I had the magic words to reunite you and your lost Lamb and ease your and his pain.
Bless you, Hope and here's more Hu-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ugs :) ;)

08-26-07, 05:59 PM
:(....Just :(...there but for the grace of the Cycling Team go I and my children as well. Thanks for keeping us updated, Hope. It takes courage to post these things.

09-09-07, 11:40 PM
Tonight...might well bring the saga to a close.

Let me begin by telling the tale of a mom who will go to great lengths to save a very sick child from ending his life.

Keenan has been on the run over 2 months now. I have traked him slowly ...
I missed my calling as a sneaky super slooth. When my son got locked up months ago...he forgot he gave me his password to Myspace to get pics of his friends. I tracked him about 2 weeks ago...and then decided after I was tracking him to close in smarter..on his level. So I created a user that he would relate to ..and of course be drawn to. So crzeeshedevil was born. A pretty goth girl..with green eyes and the same fasination for death as my son. With the help of a few of his real friends I became apart of his friend list. And last week started talking with my son. I found out he was not doing well. Sleeping in parks...drinking ...and very depressed. He lied and told me his parents threw him out after he got out of "jail" ...which of course was a lie. He threw us away.

I got a general idea of where he was staying on and off. I got a phone number...and began going in for the kill. In hopes that luring him to meet me would get him in a place long enough to get him picked up. And finally safe.

I talked to his "girlfriends" the one's I took for 4 weeks straight to his hiatis spot when he was suicidal. I had seen the relationships deterioate between them as they tried to convince him to go home. I finally got a call and we talked for an hour. They were in tears about him and his obvious loss of reality and the fear they felt that he was headed for real danger.

I told them to pray and hope we could get him caught so he could get help. They assured me they would help however they could. Reality began to seep in to these kids...he was in trouble. What I was saying was truth from a parent who really did care...not a monster.

I got a call last night from the girl who's house he had been at awhile back. And the boy whose house he had stayed at several times...they said they wanted to call but not let him know they did. That he needed to get help. And he had been acting crazy and cutting himself again. They told me where he had been staying. I told them when they got call me. I couldn't do anything without them. They assured me they would. They just wanted him to stop.

Tonight I got a call he was headed to thier house. We put a plan in place to catch him. I called the police and made sure the warrent was finally in place...and that the city that he had them in would actually come get him if they caught him here. They said they would. She called to let me know he was there and I called the police and sent them. Letting them know he was on the roof...and he was a danger to himself. To please be careful, he might do whatever he had to , to escape. If they don't catch him now they never will....

10 minutes ago I got a call from her again. He left her house to go the the store...but she knew he had no money..and she said we heard he was running down the street from the police. I just saw them down my street and could have sworn I heard something outside...the security lights are on...but I don't hear anything now. They have passed the house 2x's...I wonder if he ran this way to hide..near home.

She called and told me...if he comes back..she will call the police again. She knows he had no idea they were there to find he might come back thinking he is safe there. As of tonight that was the only place he had to go.
Although, he might well sleep in a trash bin to hide. The streets are crawling with cops...curfew long over...if he's out they will see him.

This nightmare has to end. This is the worse case scenerio. I didn't want him to know. To run...we might never catch him again. He might feel as if the walls are closing in and decide to end it all. I want to feel relieved to know he is safe. I feel like I have betrayed him, and I cried. I know this is not real...but feel it all the same.

Now I wait. In the hopes...they catch him. The circleing of the police around the house is not a hopeful sign. I wonder if he is nearby hiding. I wonder if he will just grow tired of running and being tired and hungry and alone.

I told his friends, now do you believe...know to you know how sick he is. It's hard to be a teen, it was not that long ago for me..that I have forgotten.
I know it's easy to believe that his parents are monsters...and that is why he is so sad and why he won't come home. For him it's not the case. For him it's not the escape of just being a teen. It's the running away from himself and his illness that plagues him...and makes the running all the more dangerous for him.

So I wait. I wish he would just come home. Just walk up to the door and say mom I just came by to say I'm sorry, and I love you and I'm tired. I'm ready to go now. So I could go with him. So I could walk with him to face the poor choices he has he wasn't alone. Hiding, so he wasn't alone in the back of a car...driving away knowing his freedom was lost,,and feeling perhaps all hope was too.

I wonder...where he is hiding now...have they caught him? I wonder how long I am going to wait tonight. I think the sandman will pass by and I will never know him tonight....until I get the call he's caught...he might not come for sometime.

I am grateful for the teens whom most of us have given up on today. To finally see that Bipolar is real for Keenan. And it's dangerous. They have a first hand view of what I have lived with my whole life, and what he has lived with as well. Maybe now ...they will understand thier friend. Now they will all close in on him, in hopes that he gets help. How sad. But I am proud of them. It must have been a hard thing for them to face, and a hard thing to call me.

So I wanted something to do...someone to tell....while I am waiting....

09-10-07, 12:07 AM
Justhope, hun, prayers going up for you and Keenan, until you know..........


09-10-07, 03:34 AM
Just Hope,

I'm hoping and praying that this saga ends safely and he can get the help he need and that you can have some peace of mind. I'm so sorry you and he are having to go through this misery.

Let us know how you are.

09-10-07, 11:23 AM
Please let us know how everything goes. Along with everyone else my thoughts and love go to you.

09-11-07, 01:48 PM
Here's my sentiment today, Hope. :)

<a href="" target="_blank"><img src="" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

09-11-07, 03:37 PM
Sweet...thanks KZ...hey I think I just found my new desktop for home...

yes ...wonder if we could talk Andrew into letting us post images over here? hmmm

I have news on the Keenan front. But I have to wait...until I know for sure.
I have actually talked to him 3 times since my last post.
He is okay....more later....


09-11-07, 03:44 PM
Yes, I agree, a good hug emoticon is sometimes a welcome image to see.

Glad Kee is OK! Let us know when you hear more. :)

09-14-07, 10:06 AM
Hey Hope,

How are things coming along for you? I hope things have gotten better.

09-14-07, 03:07 PM

I have been talking to my son. He was attempting to run to Texas where his dad lives. I was not real happy about it. However ,the police don't seem to be able to catch him, even when I give them the address and draw it out in crayon how to catch him. So since it's making him more aggitated ...everytime the walls close in, it was something I was considering...LET happen. Not be directly involved in. Given the choice between my son getting himself killed on the streets, running deeper and deeper unground with a worse crowd, or absconding Texas...yes...I was thinking about just letting it happen.

But then.....

Kee ended up at one of his friends house, and thier mother ended up calling me Thursday.
She said she wanted to talk to me because she said Keenan told her the truth about everything. She wanted to make sure the cops weren't coming there...

She said she didn't want him on the streets again, and for now he was safe. She knew he had been at some pretty bad places.

I told her I don't even know where you are? We talked for over 45 minutes. Come to find out she is BP and so are both of her son' wonder Kee wanted to stay there. She said I have been through this before...and I don't want to go to jail for harboring a fugitive...

I told her since I dont' know were you live I can't send them? And wouldn't send them to give Kee time to figures out what he is doing. She has kept him calm, free from drugs and alcohol..and been "counseling' him about going to school, taking his meds, etc.

I did get to see him. He looks well. We met at a "undisclosed" parking a really bad movie..LOL

I was more interested in making sure he was okay, clean and fed..than having the police get him ...that is not the type of mistrust I want to build Now finding out where he is , and sending them without his knowledge yep. But as long as I know he was considering alternatives other than running and getting wasted..I would hold off...

He has been asking for his meds, so I went and had them filled and he will get them tonight.

After she and I talked....she said you know my son went through all of this.
He needs to just go and get it over with so he can get on with his life. He seems tired.

So she talked to him. He got upset, however when her son talked to him. Who is BP and been through the ODYS unit where Kee is supposed to go, he told him it's not that bad, you will most likely get out early...and get it over with so you can get out and get on with your life. 2 years, which is the max he would get, and he might not even get that, is nothing in the span of the rest of his life....

Keenan talked with her son for awhile , they shook hands and Kee agreed to turn himself in next week. He wants to visit a couple of his friends. Then he said he would call give me his location, to come pick him up and go in with him. Her son, said I know every place you have stayed and every place you can go, if you take back the deal and your hand shake is your word, I will turn you in myself, and he means it.

So we will see. I told him I will be there every step of the way. Just like I was before. I will visit you and write you as much as I can, send you goodies etc. But it's best to just face the music. And be done.

He is anxious to be back on his meds. He said mom I really feel like crap. I miss feeling normal. This is the best thing I have heard. He has called 4 times asking when I was getting it to him...geez..if you were this anxious to take it before, we might not be having this type of conversation....

So that's the update. You all should know in the next week if he's turned himself in or not.

Thanks for all the support.

And Sponge thanks for checking in.

Hope :)

09-14-07, 03:18 PM
Justhope, it's good news! Hopeful news. Thanks for writing, you all have had thoughts, and prayers going up. He really seems to really be in good hands with his friends and their mother! Hope all continues to go well and Keenan stays close to wanting and getting help with the center and with his meds. His friend sounds awesome. It must bring you great relief to know that he looks and sounds relatively well. You done good, JustHope! :-)

09-14-07, 03:30 PM
Its a relief to know that Kee is as well as he can be under the heavy circumstances. I'm glad to hear about his attitude adjustment regarding med compliance, too. In the scheme of things 2 years really isn't that long a period of time, although I am sure that it seems like an eternity to him.

Hoping for the best possible outcome. Please let us know what happens next week!

09-16-07, 03:57 AM
Glad to hear Keenan is okay sis. I hope he chooses to take the right turn in this present choice. I know having him in Texas is better that having him on the streets of Cleveland but how much help would he get here? The streets of Houston are not much better than the streets of Cleveland I know first hand. Plus you know how far behind our mental health care systems are here and our support systems are non-existent. Glad he is some where among peole who understand bi-polar. Mother and sons set no less how how ironic is that. Angles show up in the strangest places and present in the most unexpected forms.

It only seemed like I forgot about this thread, but I didn't. I check out this area every now and agian.

09-16-07, 04:20 AM
You sound like you've been the best Mum a son could ask for and I'm sure he'll learn to appreciate that in time.

I think that after a few years of living like he is, he'll mature and come to his kids do when they grow up a bit. He sounds a little like me, always having to figure stuff out by his own mistakes and never listening to other people. IMO being homeless is much safer than jail (depending on the jail) easier to get drugs in jail and to be hurt by other people..I think I'd go a little crazy also.

Just keep doing what your doing and making sure you look after yourself too. The chances of him dieing at his age on the 'streets' are quite slim, although I understand it's a constant mum went through that too.

good luck to both of you, hang in there :)

edit:I'm not bipolar and I live in Australia, so I'm not saying my situation was the same as his

09-16-07, 03:00 PM
That's really good news, Hope! So much the better than he could hear this from someone who'd been there and done that and wasn't family. It's especially great to hear that he wants to feel normal and get back on his meds. If he makes the choice, he's a lot more likely to stick with it. Sounds like someone is watching out for you boy to help him connect with the people he could hear. I'll keep him in my prayers. You all take care!

09-16-07, 10:28 PM
Glad to hear Keenan is okay sis. I hope he chooses to take the right turn in this present choice. I know having him in Texas is better that having him on the streets of Cleveland but how much help would he get here? The streets of Houston are not much better than the streets of Cleveland I know first hand. Plus you know how far behind our mental health care systems are here and our support systems are non-existent. Glad he is some where among peole who understand bi-polar. Mother and sons set no less how how ironic is that. Angles show up in the strangest places and present in the most unexpected forms.

It only seemed like I forgot about this thread, but I didn't. I check out this area every now and agian.

He would have been in Angelo, Tams. He wanted to go to Houston to see his girlfriend, then to Angelo. That is where his dad is living now. I know i wasn't thrilled about the choices. Although there are a few good docs there....and him being on meds that work, helps.
I hope he doesn't change his mind.
I saw him Friday, briefly. I dropped off his meds in an undisclosed location (again with the theme of a bad movie)....he said he will be here in Lakewood until Wed then he is headed back to the other house, they wanted him to verify I was coming to get him to actually turn him we will see. Thursday seems ages away. He has called 2 or 3 times this weekend to check in...and wanted to talk to me about a situation with his girlfriend...yep...I guess I am mom again.

You sound like you've been the best Mum a son could ask for and I'm sure he'll learn to appreciate that in time.

I think that after a few years of living like he is, he'll mature and come to his kids do when they grow up a bit. He sounds a little like me, always having to figure stuff out by his own mistakes and never listening to other people. IMO being homeless is much safer than jail (depending on the jail) easier to get drugs in jail and to be hurt by other people..I think I'd go a little crazy also.

Just keep doing what your doing and making sure you look after yourself too. The chances of him dieing at his age on the 'streets' are quite slim, although I understand it's a constant mum went through that too.

good luck to both of you, hang in there

edit:I'm not bipolar and I live in Australia, so I'm not saying my situation was the same as his
Chris I hear what you are saying. No need to edit yourself. I know you werent implying you were the same. I appreciate what you are sharing. The place he is going is not a "jail" he doesn't qualify for real jail since he's mentally ill. The place he is going is a locked facility that specializes in treating kids like him. He will receive his meds, therapy, go to school, and they will work wiht him to learn coping skills. It's a phsyc facility for kids in the system. An alternative. I am not saying all the same things can't happen there. But it's less of a chance than the normal juvenile lockups.

The streets of Cleveland are not a joke. If he was in the small suburb we are in, I would worry less. The inner city of Cleveland, and the area he has been staying is full of drug dealers and thugs. I know I lived there for a brief period of time. There are reports of shootings and gang violance every night there. It's not a safe place. The chances in this area for him to do drugs, sell them or get shot in a gang related incident are higher than in "jail" and higher than in most places. Cleveland is a million plust population....and homeless kids die everyday there. So I hear you..and your situation might be different, and you might have been a different kid. Other disorders not withstanding, Bipolar is highly deadly especially when unmedicated, using alcohol and drugs and a hormonal teenage boy. It's not statistics I like to think about.

That's really good news, Hope! So much the better than he could hear this from someone who'd been there and done that and wasn't family. It's especially great to hear that he wants to feel normal and get back on his meds. If he makes the choice, he's a lot more likely to stick with it. Sounds like someone is watching out for you boy to help him connect with the people he could hear. I'll keep him in my prayers. You all take care!

It is the best news I have had in awhile. If he does it. I am very happy he wandered to a family who cared. I am hopeful about his relization that he needs his meds, and the fact he badged me for days to get them.
Your support has been felt and I am grateful, Scattered.

I am grateful to you all.

And Tam's ..I know you were watching. I know you need to tell me. I have a wonderful family in you and mom...and the others..and here of course..

This sticks out so much to me...

Angels show up in the strangest places and present in the most unexpected forms.
I know they do. And sometimes, I need to remember that.

09-21-07, 08:09 AM
Hi Hope. It's been a few days, how are things going? How are you coming along?

09-21-07, 10:09 AM
I am doing well.

I was unable to pick that kid up yesterday due to work. I have to contact him this weekend and see if he is going to chicken out. I finally have both a cell but also an address.

We have talked several times and I have seen him 3 times now. I also woke up to him standing at the end of my bed Wed night. He was stranded after kids got in a fight at what was supposed to be his last "concert" ...and didn't want to walk out in public...but why? LOL

So I don't know if he has changed his mind. I have told him that soon, or I can't help him anymore...and he will be on the run again. Meaning, if I know wherne you are I'm sending them, if you need something I can't help anymore.......

But I am glad he considers me Mom again. The rest is up to him.

Hope :)

09-22-07, 10:52 AM
Hey Hope!

I'm so glad to hear that you have seen Keenan and that he wants his meds. I can only say - hang in there.

You are being a great Mom, I hope you know that. Getting help, support and "tough love" from friends is a great thing. Nice to have some back-up!

Been thinking about you, and I'm so glad you are at least in touch with your son.

09-23-07, 05:47 PM
Thanks Jeaniebug!

I haven't heard from him this weekend, no surprises though. He will call again when he needs mom. And the ritual will begin again. Turning himself will become more and more of priority as the age 16 comes close, then he can get into the adult system if they want to be jerks. So we have a month to try to get it done.

Who knows...but I know he's safe and eating. That is enough for me to sleep at night.

Be thinking about you too, my friend. I am glad you are hanging in there...We miss you!

Hope :)

10-10-07, 08:41 AM
Hi Hope.

It's been a while and I wanted to know how things were going with this situation. I hope you are well.

10-10-07, 11:04 AM

He decided, and I am not surprised, knowing him so well. To continue to run.
I have not talked to him since a few days after that weekend.

I did find out that last week he actually was coming into the house at night when we were asleep. Not into our room, but in the basement where he used to hang out, and where his clothes were. He came to get most of them, and hit the frig of course. He told his dad who heard him come in. He said I am just getting my clothes, don't tell mom.
Right....we had some issues with the locks on our back door, outside, and the main one in our entry way to my kitchen. So I have changed the locks outside, and fixed the door to our kitchen. No more breaking in. If you need something you call or you don't.

I can't do anything but pick up where I left off before. Attempting to track him online and through friends. TG he is smart or he would be under a bridge somewhere. I am sure I will hear from him again, when he runs out of places to hide, is hungry, or when the snow falls and he is freezing. The weather is turning here now. It's easy to sleep in a park when its 70 outside, not so much when there is 3 feet of snow and it's below freezing. Unless he has some place to stay now , or places, the elements will most likely drive him home. I only hope he contacts me before his birthday next month. He will be 16 and if caught, they can try him as an adult then.

I still worry about him. But have come to terms what I am able to do and not.

Funny you asked. Last night on the new they had a story about a young man plunging 7 stories out of one of the highrises where I live. Before I heard the details...I stopped breathing just for a second. Then when they said he was 18 and it appeared to be an accident, I let it out. I know that's normal for us as parents, but it's compounded when they are on the run, off meds, and mentally unstable. I know this feeling will never go away...and the intensity will remain until I know he is safely locked up. I also had a dream about him after, I finally got the call that he was picked up. I remember exhaling in relief. Then I woke up.

Thanks for asking....I will update when I hear more.

10-10-07, 12:00 PM
Hope :-(
I am sorry I missed this thread...I do remember your story though ..

I have been *away* for ages, so can I ask how long he's been *gone* now, and how old is he?

10-10-07, 04:46 PM
Thanks Tracy...I know you have been gone...but it's great you are back.
You and that cheery nature has been missed.

He is 15 , 16 on Nov 6.
He has technically been a runaway since July 10th or so.

Not to say I haven't talked to him. Not to say I have not seen him.
I have talked to him a handful of times, and seen him 3x's since.

In fact he called me today, after this post. Asking if I called the police and sent them ? Said nope, don't know where you are to send them. Tried to talk sense into him, and told him when he is tired, hungry or done, call me and I'll be there. Other than that, I have to move on. I basically told him, I don't spend my every waking moment trying to track you down. Not that I don't love you. But come on..I have other things to do including take care of your brothers. So you will get caught. I worry and you have NO idea what you do being gone , everytime I hear something about a kid getting killed I hold my breath...but I said you don't care about that now, only you. That's fine, as long as you knwo I love you and one day you will understand what I have been through.

He had the week he was supposed to turn himself in, where I got to see him. Like the movie fugutive, in a location no where near where he was staying. But I knew he was okay. But once he changed his mind, I cut him off and said when I see you again, it will be to turn you in, unless you are in danger. I will not help to keep you running.

I did make him promise to call me once a week so I know he is okay.

This is one of the hardest things a mom has to face, and scary ....especially when they are Bipolar and unstable.

Thanks for asking.


10-16-07, 11:17 PM
He is 15 , 16 on Nov 6.

He has the same birthday as Gary does.

Just popping in to see how you are doing. I know life can get all mixed up and what is right can feel wrong. I think drawing boundaries is a good idea. Maybe being bipolar your self is actually as much of a positive as a negative. I understand the genetics and all but at least you can spot the manipulative portions in many of his actions.

His fear of turning himself in is that he thinks he will no longer being free. I mean isn't that what many with mental "conditions" seek is freedom. However we fail to understand is what holds us prisoner is within us from that we can never run far enough. In your case freedom from the roller coaster of emotions that take on a life of their own {read your life} without asking? I had a taste and it was enough for me to "get it". . . this is not a polite condition and it doesn't give a damn what you really want.

It is all about control and well you probably understand better than I but some times the trees keep us from seeing the blue sky. On the run he has some illusion of control, He can come and go when he wants. He can choose where and when he goes but he isn't free it is only a physical illusion covering up the reality of the mind. The truth is he is not free from his own mind. Bipolar is in control not him, his mind is bipolar prisoner for his emotions hold him hostage. He can not see that because he is standing beneath the trees which feels like the right place to be for living in the shadows trying to be what others think you should be is all he has even really known.

Keenan doesn't know what blue sky looks like, He doesn't know what it is like to no longer hide who and what he is. He has never felt the sun shine upon his inner being and illuminate his true self. He doesn't know what it is like to not feel shame for being different. Part of him is afraid of that which is not known. The voices of fear keep telling him is is nothing without them but the truth is, that it is the daemons {negative emotions} that need us. The RRReal battle is for control for man and his emotions are forever intertwined.

What happens when he gets locked up isn't a loss of freedom but an exchange of types of freedoms. Yes he will loose his physical freedoms and he will no longer be able to come and go however with treatment he will gain mental freedom. His emotion will no longer dictate who he is he will no longer be controlled by the roller coaster ride called bipolar. His emotions will be forced into their proper placement and be a part of him instead of dictating to him what he will do, say, or be. I mean really does he want to be on the run? Having to hide from the light of day the constant fear of being caught. How free is that really?

One loss of freedom is temporary the other is perminate, the choice is which freedom does he wish to have? He might be able to remain physical free but he can not run from his bipolar it will follow him where ever he goes. If left to it's own devices it will be in control of his life for the rest of his life. The older he grow the less control he will have because the condition will slowly take over his entire being.

The loss of physical freedom and being forced to under go treatment will relieve him of the bipolar. The demons inside his head will no longer be in control and they do not want to let go that is why he feels such fear at the very thought of turning himself in. The demons of bipolar keeps whispering from inside his head and he is so used to their voices he is no longer aware they are not him. The physical loss of freedom will only be temporary ten years from now it could all be a memory.

He can keep his physical freedom but his mental freedom he can not gain because he is a prisoner of a part of him self , a condition call bipolar. and no it ain't going to let him go it only gets worse with age. Bipolar unlike ADD is progressive. If he would turn in his physical freedom he could be helped to over come the voices of fear, rage, and depression. For the first time in his life bipolar will be under his control. He will for the first time in his life be in control of his emotions instead of them being in control of him.

Just another perspective from his aunt meadd823 a little some thing for him to consider.

10-17-07, 11:52 AM
Thanks for the update JH ....I am sure things will turn out for the best soon enough !
You are handling it brilliantly :-)

oh, and thanks for the welcome back :-)

10-17-07, 06:45 PM
Hi Hope,

Just popping in to say I'm thinking about you and your boy and praying for his safety and your peace of mind. I know this is hard. I hope he decides to turn himself in before November 6.

Take care,

10-18-07, 06:36 PM
Thanks again everyone.

Tam's that is exactly what I tried to tell him. I asked him how is running different from being in prison? His answer is what you said, he feels in control...sadly he is the furtherest thing from it. The sadest thing is that , he can't take is his meds..if I could have kept up wiht him to take them..he might have come to his senses? I couldn't trust him with the whole bottle, being the insurance only pays for 30days at a time, and knowing him, he would lose them...which left me having to supply him with a week at a time....but after he broke the agreement to turn himself in, I could no longer meet with him...and putting myself in danger of facing breaking the law myself... ~sigh~ ...catch 22 I'm afraid.

I know what you are saying, the same words have been repeated to him , time and time again, by not only me but by his friends and some of the parents he has stayed with. He is truly a part of his mom, Donkey to a fault.

He is over due for his weekly call. I have seen some blocked calls on the phone, most of the time it's him, but no messages. I hope he calls again soon...but the only thing I cling to is faith in someone bigger than me, the friends who keep trying to get him to give up, and the police who I hope eventually catch him before he gets too sick and in more trouble.

Until then...we are in constant limbo.

Matt S.
10-19-07, 10:16 AM
Well Hope, I was that kid, down to a "T" and any action you take to protect him, he will be grateful, I thought by the title of the thread that it was something I am not familiar with, but I know it all too well, let him know constantly that bipolar or not the adult system can and often will screw him when he is 16, remind him of that constantly, I can't stress that more, I paid for 16 year old behavior until I was 24.

10-19-07, 10:43 AM
Thank you , Matt. I will.
I am hoping he will call this weekend, it's close to his birthday...I hope to hear from him then. I am actually sure he will contact me by then...hoping to get a gift or money...:eyebrow:

I will keep you all in the loop.


10-29-07, 11:30 AM
Just another update....

Kee called me late last week, asking of course, about his birthday..I talked it up. He wanted to know what if anything he was going to do? I said oh,now you need your mom? I told him I don't know i would have to think about it. You can't have it both ways....out on your own and want mommy to have something for you on your birthday....OMG...what a brat :eyebrow:

He called me about 10 times this weekend and came over 2x's...
He was out in Lakewood for the weekend, and came by to get clothes...
Then he came again to ask me about shoes? He showed me his which are a mess. He is working but he said by the time he gets paid this time, he has to pay to stay where he's at and won't be able to work in these shoes.....

His dad and I got some of his shoes that weren't a mess, boots and a couple pairs of tennis shoes and sent him off....

So it won't be cash....he needs shoes....and most likely another coat....winter is finally coming....:(

We continue to talk to him about turning himself in. It's only 7 days until his 16th birthday. His dad talked to him and said most everyone we talked to said if you turn yourself in it's better and you will most likely do less time...his dad....actually convinced him to at least call his former P.O. and ask him how much time he thinks he's looking at...what could it hurt, right? If it's not bad, then let's get it over with. He is supposed to call this week. :confused:

~sigh~ ....he looks well....grown to be 6'3 now...geez...:eek:

I know he was manic yesterday because he called 5 times in about 3 hours, after he came by the house 2x's....I finally sent 10.00 with his dad ....then he called and said, mom I want to see my brother tomorrow, please let them come over my friends and see me. They will go this afternoon...he said I knwo they need a big brother,,,,maybe I can help show them how not to be?????

Mania, mania mania.....he called again and said mom I am taking off Wed my birthday....and I am coming to my friends in Lakewood, I want you, dad and my brothers to come over..and celebrate it with me....

Man I am torn....
I want to be there for his birthday....cause I am mom....
I want to stay close to him so I can continue to push him into turning himself in and staying in touch with me so I know he's okay.....
but I really don't want him to think, I think it's okay.....and I would like it to be hard enough on him....that he wants to give up....

Always torn....:o

10-29-07, 01:26 PM
:( Honestly, Hope, I am starting to become concerned that you may become an accessory here...has that been mentioned at any time? Of course I am also concerned abour Kee...I just reminded Space a few days ago how we were going to do the kid-swap this past summer, remember that plan?

:( So, so sad....

10-29-07, 03:22 PM
That is one of the reasons ...I don't want to go....over to the birtday party......God forbid if the police showed up......I might fore go it....and tell him I will pick him up after....and go eat or something...

I am not worried about it when I am with him by myself....but not with witnesses that can use it again me ..

I just don't want ot completely cut him off...then I might lose him completely..I am only okay wiht this because I know he is safe....technically with the exception of the birthday party and the boys today...I really Don't know where he is ....and I guess I would have to burn in hell and get arrested...because I would tell them...look as long as I have contact....I can keep chipping him to do the right thing....I don't knwo where he is?
Besides I have sent the cops several times to get him and they fail pitifully each time....apparently the having to his advantage...little paranoia, little hypersensitity...and a 130+ IQ...smarter than most of the cops.....

I know I have a week to think about it....Kz...I wish I could send him there...he would drive you nuts....

And what would I do with a girl?

Matt S.
10-29-07, 03:29 PM
That's funny about the child swap thing, when I have kids I will understand, I am sure.

You seem to handle this quite well, which I commend you for.

The mentality of a child with bipolar disorder is that because they are sick kids, mommy will always rescue them. Some part of your son's mentality is telling him that, you are doing the right thing because my mother never did that when she should've and ended up resenting her later on for it.

If there's a rift in your relationship, also understand that when he hits a certain age you guys will get along great. Being bipolar hinders the "average development" process in ways that although I sort of know how it does, I can't explain how it does.

10-29-07, 03:55 PM
Kz...I wish I could send him there...he would drive you nuts....

And what would I do <layer style="background-color: Fuchsia; color: black;" id="google-toolbar-hilite-24">with</layer> a girl?
Oh yea and like Space is a piece of cake? Oh yea...:eyebrow:

10-29-07, 07:08 PM

I have no advice to give, but I wanted to let you know that I hope you can find some peace with this situation. I also hope your mind isn't torturing you too much about this.

10-30-07, 05:15 AM
Hi Hope, I haven't met you before and I am newish, I just wanted to tell you that I've read these posts and my heart goes out to you, I can see how you are torn every which way and that family is suffering.

I am hoping for a good outcome for you all, I am a mum of 2 kids and I would hate something like that to happen, it is a parent's worst nightmare that you are living.

I hope it isn't too forward of me to send some cyber hugs and support your way, I will keep my fingers crossed that something gets resolved and that your son is safe and hope that you are looking after yourself as well.

10-30-07, 09:12 AM
Oh yea and like Space is a piece of cake? Oh yea...:eyebrow:

Baby KZ...Oh..I am sure she is always sweet and quiet..and ....LMAO...right....


I have no advice to give, but I wanted to let you know that I hope you can find some peace with this situation. I also hope your mind isn't torturing you too much about this.
And Sponge I hope you never have the experience to give me advice about this

~Hon ~ I don't always need advice...the support and open ears do wonders....Thanks

Hi Hope, I haven't met you before and I am newish, I just wanted to tell you that I've read these posts and my heart goes out to you, I can see how you are torn every which way and that family is suffering.

I am hoping for a good outcome for you all, I am a mum of 2 kids and I would hate something like that to happen, it is a parent's worst nightmare that you are living.

I hope it isn't too forward of me to send some cyber hugs and support your way, I will keep my fingers crossed that something gets resolved and that your son is safe and hope that you are looking after yourself as well. my world offering a cyber hug is never tooo forward. Thanks for taking the time to read , and to post, by the way when offering support, you are never too new... :) Thank you !

10-30-07, 09:59 AM
Hope, I am sure that Keenan has your drive ;-) and now I am even more sure he'll be fine and you'll both be able to sort it soon ;-)


hugs xxx to both of you :-)

Matt S.
10-30-07, 03:08 PM
And I am here for you too Hope even though my advice can be absolutely ignorant sometimes...

10-30-07, 03:13 PM
Baby KZ...Oh..I am sure she is always sweet and quiet..and ....LMAO...right....Yeppers, that's about right, and your honesty in sharing this story as it unfolds is something the two of us can fall back on...some days...there but for the sake of this thread, go I...regarding Space, that is to say.

10-30-07, 03:44 PM
Now all we have to do is get Hope to watch Naruto and she will know how to deal with any situation like a true Ninja.

10-30-07, 04:05 PM
Now all we have to do is get Hope to watch Naruto and she will know how to deal with any situation like a true Ninja. Oh Sponge you haven't heard....she IS watching Naruto! She and Darius have a commitment to watch with each sweet is that?

YATTA!! <a href="" target="_blank"><img src="" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

10-30-07, 05:48 PM
Hope I just read and read and read. I know being a trail blazer isnt much comfort when we are always blazing trails; so know I dont say this to cause you to feel more alone and unsure (just the opposite really) but 'wacthing' you through this has really helped me gain insight into this disorder. I appreciate every word you share with us.

11-03-07, 05:10 AM
Just thinking of you sis.

11-05-07, 12:05 AM
Laf, that is something ..I don't know if I have ever called myself...LOL
However, I am glad if it helps you and anyone else here, when and if there time comes.

KZ, if Space ever does that...I will kick her butt for you. Hey how about kid lojack now? Sheeze at least the kid takes her meds...count your lucky stars everyday when she opens her mouth and swallows ...everything else will work itself out.

Thanks Sis, for stopping by when I know how busy you are right now, means a lot !

Thanks as always everyone....:)

Kee's birthday is on Tuesday....he has called me 2 other times...and I found out , he slept in the basement during the week sometime....the emergency bunker....he knows how to get in and I guess I haven't fixed it for a reason......although he can't get in the house anymore...unless he breaks in..and he knows....I would have him up on charges for that one too....

I will have to break his heart and mine Tues...I am NOT , repeat, Not...going to his "birthday' party....sorry no cigar. I refuse to sit there with adult witnesses who can someday testify that I knew where he was the entire time....and celebrated with him..nope...and the simple fact that it's NOT okay that he continues to refuse to do what he knows he must. Sorry you can't have it both ways....

I have agreed to appear "blind" if his dad and the boys stop long as I don't know what time....then if he wants to meet me somewhere and I take him to eat...and hand him a few bucks...that is about as good as it's gonna get...if even....

Tough Love, is just that...Tough...sometimes more for us than them.

Fine line when dealing with teenagers, never mind Bipolar one's who unmedicated and are fugitives...geez...

I want to keep the line open enough that I know where he is, that is alive...and open enough every week I am beating down that wall of stupidity that keeps him from just gettting this over with and getting those meds going full time! Just not open enough he thinks I agree, condone, or even for one second think it's anything but what it is , DUMB....

On the flip of my friends met a man today at church...who was talking about his teenage son....just go dx with Bipolar...she said he was a wreck...all over the place....she told him I know just the lady you need to talk I got his email address, and referred him here to our little world...and left open the lines for him....out of all the darkness, comes the chance to help someone....somehow, in some little way. Just like we all do here everyday. And most of the time never realize it.

Everything happens for a reason.

Take care, all

More news follow I am sure ...


11-05-07, 02:11 AM
The door to this place is open 24/7, and there is always room on the Cycling Team for a new member, especially a desperate and hopeless one.

What do you say, Team? I say "Yea!". That's great Hope!

I highly approve of the Tough Love stance with Kee. I would really approve things if he would just come in! :( Dammit....

11-05-07, 07:36 PM
Thanks as always everyone....:)

Kee's birthday is on Tuesday....he has called me 2 other times...and I found out , he slept in the basement during the week sometime....the emergency bunker....he knows how to get in and I guess I haven't fixed it for a reason......although he can't get in the house anymore...unless he breaks in..and he knows....I would have him up on charges for that one too....

I will have to break his heart and mine Tues...I am NOT , repeat, Not...going to his "birthday' party....sorry no cigar. I refuse to sit there with adult witnesses who can someday testify that I knew where he was the entire time....and celebrated with him..nope...and the simple fact that it's NOT okay that he continues to refuse to do what he knows he must. Sorry you can't have it both ways....


I know tomorrow is Kee's birthday. I think I would be jumping out of my skin if I were you. We are all thinking of you, and of him. I don't think there is anything you haven't tried or done, so pats on the back for you, and also a big {HUG}

We love you darlin'!!

11-05-07, 07:49 PM
As he gets older hopefully he gets a bit more sensible. Is he taking his meds at the moment?

11-05-07, 09:20 PM
Hi Hope I haven't posted here but I've been following your ordeal. I wish you and Keenan the best and just know that you will all be re-united (hopefully sooner than later).

I really admire your courage but please take care of yourself also. ((HUGS))

11-06-07, 12:43 AM

I know tomorrow is Kee's birthday. I think I would be jumping out of my skin if I were you. We are all thinking of you, and of him. I don't think there is anything you haven't tried or done, so pats on the back for you, and also a big {HUG}

We love you darlin'!!Hey Stranger! Great to see you...even in this pathetic thread!

Well you would be surprised what you can endure, when your choices are pretty nill...
I was kind of surprised he didn't call tonight badgeing me about money..etc.
oh well ....I am not going....he will call nothing says mom like birthday cash...

It's wonderful to see here you...we have missed you too! Thanks for the encouragment...Now how are things with you? New thread, details?

In the darkest pits, in the most blinding of light, that is Bipolar

I love you guys & gals too!

Welcome Home JeanieBug....:)

As he gets older hopefully he gets a bit more sensible. Is he taking his meds at the moment?
Well Chris one can hope? It took me a long long time...and I wasn't as wild and bad off as he is....NO he is NOT taking his meds which is about 110% the problem ....if he was...I am sure we would be visting behind the lovely walls of a phychiatric juvenile facility....tick tock...
Teens are bad enough, teens with drug and alcohol issues are worse...combine that with Rapid Cycling Bipolar II, ADD & that is a mixture for disaster...for him and all who get in his way....
No meds, no peace....therefore he runs....

Hi Hope I haven't posted here but I've been following your ordeal. I wish you and Keenan the best and just know that you will all be re-united (hopefully sooner than later).

I really admire your courage but please take care of yourself also. ((HUGS))

Charl, thanks so much for wandering over here...just to give me some hugs...that is so sweet! I am hanging in there....and in a minute I will be hanging out in the bed....Night 2 of mania...oh what a surprise...oh well...I will be fine..tomorrow is another day....and perhaps I will be greeted by what they are saying is going to be our first glimpes of snow...aargh :faint:

((( Hugs ))) back to you all!
And to all a good....night!


11-08-07, 07:23 PM
Keenan is officially 16 now.
He called Tuesday....and I let him come over for an hour to see his brothers...and the rest of us. I gave him a few bucks and that was the end of that...

He called yesterday asking about getting his shoes....and about his Birthday party this weekend. At which time I told him...well the shoes are fine....but I am not coming to the "birthday" party. I told him look can't have it both ways....I am not putting my butt on the line for you. I already am. I am not sitting in the living room at some adults house playing happy family so I can go to jail when someone decides to snitch on me....and never mind it's wrong....
I told him this really hurts my feelings to have to do this....but that is the choice you made when you decided to continue this ridiculous game.

So basically if you need me for emergencie shoes,,,a winter coat, a ride if you are stranded and not safe.., someone to talk to when you are feeling suicidal.....or A RIDE TO THE POLICE STATION...I'm your girl...otherwise....once a week calls to know you are fine is it.

If your dad and brothers want to mysteriously show up there without telling me where they went...fine....I know nothing but I am not going.

He said I understand mom. I said so you are going to continue wiht this stupid crap right? He said yes. I said fine, I am only doing these things to keep the lines open, so you know I love you, that is it. I don't agree, it's stupid, and one day you will realize what a complete idiot and a s s you are...and I will be there to tell you I love you, and TOLD YOU SO!
Until then....I'm not here at your beckon call. And I will continue to tell you what you dont want to hear....

So that went well? Whatever....just another day in paradise...with a bipolar kid...and a bipolar mom....:eyebrow:

Hope :)

11-13-07, 03:58 AM
I love quotes.....I use them all the time....

So I don't break tradition, I will use them again here

I am too tired for flowery words I will steal someone elses..for now..

Today, the nightmare journey comes to an end....

If I wasn't so tired, I would look back over this thread and the others about this child of mine....

I just saw him yesterday, he showed up for no call nothing. He said he needed to see his brothers...he got a game, and left. I thought it was strange at the time, out in the open like makes sense now...

I fussed at him and told him, call first..
I can't believe he has been gone since July ...I can't believe I made it this far without losing my mind, well what's left of it.

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. ~Arthur Golden~

It's 2:11am.. I should be sleeping...
I am thinking of all the days that have flown by. All the heart ache and worry....

With what price we pay for the glory of motherhood.
~ Isadora Duncan~

Where did I miss the boat? What glory are we speaking of here? I got the call today, about 3pm. I am still deciding how to feel? If I wasn't already Bipolar, I would know how it feels. Like a mixed episode gone horribly wrong.

Keenan's life as a fugitive is now over. He was picked up this afternoon shortly before I got the call at work. His girlfriend more efficient than the local police. By the time I hung up with Derek to call the local police department, they had just shipped him out to the DH.

Thirty minutes later he called. I asked him what happen. He said. I had someone set me up???? ~shrug~

He said, he just couldn't do it himself. He said mom I just didn't have it in me, so I told my friend to do it...when I was least expecting it. And it's finally over. I think it has just begun. I was too stunned to react...I didn't know if I was relieved or mad, or crushed...or if this was just the beginning of another set of worries, not really different than the ones I had while my son lived like a runaway for months...

I know I felt cold, I you do after someone startles you. He sounded okay? Rambling on about bringing him his meds and about his girlfriend bringing clothes over...and it was like many times before...
I felt like I was having an out of body expierence.

I remember telling him okay...I love you and the dial tone brought me back to reality. Now what?

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. ~Kenji Miyazawa~

Here we go again....
By the time I got home I already had the court date waiting in my mailbox. The dispatcher at the station told me it was on it's way. So tomorrow 9:00am another twist in this cliff hanger that has become my life.

By the time I got in, changed and did my ususal after work routine, Derek had already gotten another call from Kee's girlfriend. He has been shipped back to Parmadale. The facility he was in before...

I am hoping it's because he was "high" risk before and because we threw such a fit about him just being put in some facility unequipped to handle a child like him.
I don't think the courts forget mothers like me to quickly. They have to hate the one's who become educated about all their faults and the cracks in thier legal foundations....

I'm hoping that is why he is there. He was there the first time...because on the suicidal ideation scale, the one from 1-10...he was a 10. I don't want to go here again.

This is why it's bittersweet today. I am relieved my son is off the streets. I can stop holding my breathe when the phone rings late at night, or when there is a knock at the door, or when I hear about some teenager they found dead on the news...

For a minute......

Then the other dreaded reality kicks in. He can do the same locked up. I still don't feel he's safe. How is he going to do....has he given up....

The given up I hope I felt from him was just him being tired ...tired of running. I know one of the places he was staying they are moving. He know faced the reality that most of his resources were dried up.
Winter on the streets of Cleveland, is a death wish.

I am hoping, that he gave up because he was tired. He said it himself. But I don't always believe him. It's too early to buy into that yet. I just don't want him planning his end. I don't want that kind of tired again.

So many things are running through my head, the Neurontin might as well have been tic tacs...
The feelings I had stuffed away...and dealt with piece by piece are flooding through my mind...

I hate it. I don't want to be here again. Dammit.
I know it's the disease his and mine that got us here. But you still have to beat the crap out of yourself.

What if, if only..

Stupid abyss...
I know, in my heart that I have made mistakes. I also know I have done all I can as a mother to get this kid together. It just stinks.

A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying... that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. ~Alexander Pop~

Right Alexander I hear you, let's just not stay here
too long.....

So we knew this day was coming. Just not sure what to do with it now that it's here?

It's like his first day of kindergarten.
So happy's finally here.
Then all the crap starts whirling in your head.

What if.... I hate that question. Two little words can wreek havoc in your mind. I have spent my whole life saying it. Never did me a damn bit of good either.

So I am hoping the sandman hasn't forgotten my address again. I am not up for hypomania or the pit again. I will leave you all hanging on the edge of my
Cliff Hanger Life...until tomorrow.....

My one hope is that perhaps, he will serve his time in Parmadale. He did well there. I did well there.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes. My mantra today, and I am sure many more to come...

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

~Author Unknown~

I told you guys, my turn would come soon enough.

Until tomorrow then....

Mother Hen & Cycling Sister
has left the building...

11-13-07, 05:46 AM
I'm not sure what to say...I feel happy for you that he's under the supervision of professionals, so much better than on the streets, although it still must be scary.

Can you visit him there at all? Maybe he'll finally get stabilized on meds. I guess all you can do is try and give him hope, a bright light at the end of the tunnel for you both. It sounds like you've always done all you can for him..maybe he'll realize some day how lucky he is having someone looking out for him.

The good thing is he's still young, got his whole life ahead of him if he wants it. I really hope things work out and he does his time.

Good luck

11-14-07, 12:19 AM
I'm not sure what to say...I feel happy for you that he's under the supervision of professionals, so much better than on the streets, although it still must be scary.

Can you visit him there at all? Maybe he'll finally get stabilized on meds. I guess all you can do is try and give him hope, a bright light at the end of the tunnel for you both. It sounds like you've always done all you can for him..maybe he'll realize some day how lucky he is having someone looking out for him.

The good thing is he's still young, got his whole life ahead of him if he wants it. I really hope things work out and he does his time.

Good luck
Thanks Chris...

We had the court date today. It was just the arrainment.
I will get a new court date for the sentencing phase. The Magistrate was unsure if he would be able to temporarily stay at Parmadale, but she said if she is unable to find another place similiarly equipped...she will have him stay where he is. For now he is safe. I am the only one who can visit him in the DH he is in now. I am not sure I will even go, if I get a new court date in the next week. dunno.

I hope he gets it together after this.

Thanks again...Hope

Matt S.
11-15-07, 01:49 PM
I think you handle this situation extremely well Hope

hang in there.

11-15-07, 02:08 PM
Hope - and I say this not in the way that people out there say it just to make you feel better - you sound like a terrific loving mom. I can only wish that I had had a mom like you.

11-15-07, 06:12 PM
You and I have kid problems this week. Phase of the moon?

I am really glad the Kee is finally off the streets, it was such an unsafe place for him to be.

I hope that he is an an sppropriate facility ASAP. Sorry I am not more in touch lately, you.

11-15-07, 07:54 PM
Cycling sister and little brother update. I know some of you are worried.
I am accepting all the hugs and prayers you have to offer now.

I am not doing well today. Not at all.

Thank you again for checking on me Matt....I told you some of this in the PM...I'll repeat it here for the rest of the family...

Tuesday was just Kee's was the sentencing.

Although I wanted nothing more than to have my son off the street....and I was all for him getting tougher consequences for his was not easy for me. I was fine when I got up. I was fine in the court room...while I spoke to the magistrate about what I wanted. I told him he can't come home.
He was worried about what Kee heard, he said I hear what you are saying but Keenan might hear it differently. I said, no my son knows I love him...but it is because I do, that he can't come home. It is not safe, and I can't do this again. I ran myself ragged for over a month helping him ...meetings, therapy, court trips, and visits...and then the fall out is he is home less than 2 weeks and just disappears and has been a runaway since mid July. I can't do it again. He needs to be locked up where he can get his meds, go to school and be supervised. I don't like it, but it's the only thing we haven't done yet.

He agreed. Keenan was sentenced to 6 months in the Ohio Department of Youth Services. He will spend several more days in DH, which he hates. He will then be transported to a holding facility for a month in Southern Ohio..while they assess him and decide what facility is best suited to his needs. Meanwhile, he is not getting his meds....and he is not handling it well. He has called me already saying they don't care mom..they won't let me see the doctor, I want my medicine. Now. I had to tell him, since you missed your appointment with your doctor, I dont' even know if I can get them refilled. I will see what I can do. And they don't care Keenan, you are in jail. It's not their job to care.

I was fine through the sentencing. He got up to walk out...and I said I love you....and 30 seconds later he came back in...and said, I need to hug my mom goodbye...(the guard had let him come back in to say goodbye)
I hugged him and kissed him on the cheek,,,,and after he walked back out the door...and down the hall where I couldn't see him anymore...

My mommy heart broke.
My logical mind has carried me through most of the last few months. It woke me up today, it got me there, and it sat me through the hearing. But when my son walked back in that door just to hug me and have me hug him once more...all I saw was my baby...leaving and that was it for me.
I broke down right there in the Magistrates office. I don't even know what happened. I never cry in front of people. It's just something I don't do..often at all. But my mommies heart didn't It just knew something horrible had happened...and that was it ...

Then I had to sit in the hallway...mad because I had just cried in front of everyone...although the judge said, it's never easy even though you know it's the right thing for him now...and I wish more mom's came in here and did that when their kids are leaving...but you are still his mom and it's obvious you love him. He will be okay, we will take care of him.
Then I had to go in and get the information from the intake officer who I had met 4 other times...for probation etc....and he's have done what you can, I remember you from everytime you have been here and I know your story with keenan well. You did your job well, mom. Now forgive yourself's going to be okay. Well there went the stupid tears again.

They ran down my face the entire way to work. Where I have been all day...why I am here I have no idea? I should be at home...but I don't want to crawl in bed and escape...and about every couple of right now...the water works just come flooding out.......

Keenan will be 200 miles away for about a month. I am not able to go see him...the only way I will is if he is there for Christmas. Then even after most of the facilities they end up in are at least an hour or two's just not feesible for me to go see him regularly.'s just sad.

I know my heart hurts because no matter how much my logical mind tells me I have done all I can...even more than mommy heart thinks where did I fail...what else could I have done.....and it breaks for him..I know he is scared....I am scared and I am not even there...we are so very connected to our children....and as Bipolars...we are such sensitive every emotion....much like the strong sense of smell a dog has...or the eye sight of a hawk....we are so very keenly aware of others emotions....that when it effects the very mother / child's devastating.

So that is where I am today family. I am not doing well. I don't know what emotions tomorrow will bring. I am almost relieved to not be manic. I am relieved to feel the darkness ...perhaps it's because I feel as if I somehow deserve it for failing my role as mom ....failing my son. I know, I know..I didn't..but right now...I just feel it....I can only hope tomorrow I will feel differently. Although I think this will take some time....about 6 months worth.

I have to get to work...I have 2 more hours of this facade of normal to wade through. Perhaps if I don't give in to the darkness tonight I will get back on.


11-15-07, 10:00 PM
I hope you feel better and please know we all care about you a great deal.

11-15-07, 10:10 PM
Justhope, I have to go run get the tissues when I mommy heart aches for you as well. Lots of hugs and prayers to you all. You are soo very strong and you are such a good mom. It takes the most strength to do the very hardest, very best things, most painful things.

Matt S.
11-16-07, 10:09 AM
i have been in your son's position before and I know the sadness and parental guilt may hurt you, trust me when I say this (age 16 legal trouble, sounds a lot like me at that age), he will definitely learn what he needs to from this experience, his illness will be treated appropriately as well, I haven't been where you are and I can imagine that it is agonizing but he will grow from this experience tremendously and will understand that your hands were essentially tied as far as what you could've done. You sound like a caring mom and he will love you for that.

11-16-07, 04:23 PM
Thank you all for your kind responses, PM's and words of wisdom and encouragement. I made it through the night last night, and am doing a little better today. I am looking forward to leaving work in the next hour for the weekend....some rest and hopefully starting and finishing something productive...that would be a nice accomplishment. You all have been a great source of strength for me and I appreciate it very much.

Hope :)

Matt S.
11-16-07, 04:27 PM
We're no longer hopeless (pun intended)

11-16-07, 04:41 PM
Goofy made me smile...thank you :p

11-16-07, 08:40 PM
Hope, I have just caught up on your past few weeks.....I also got Mummie tears reading did GREAT!!! I'm so glad he's safe, and warm, and you can hopefully sleep a bit better...


Matt S.
11-20-07, 12:47 PM
oh hope, Where are you?

11-20-07, 10:51 PM
I'm here worrywort brother.

~sigh~ it's just been a rough week for me.

I think everything just finally caught up to me. You know once you pull the cork just comes fizzling out. I didn't feel well over the weekend...and by Sunday...I had slippped into a funk....Monday I woke up and had an earache and a sore I stayed home ...and slept through most of yesterday and today. I finally woke up about 5pm today and felt better. Managed to get out of the house...had to get the freaking turkey for Thursday. Fortuantely for me, others were depending on me getting it in time to I had no choice. The cold air and being out of my bed did wonders. The boys are gone wiht friends for the night....since they are off school the rest of the I felt good enough to go eat with thier dad and hang out for awhile.

I've spent months stuffing all of this mess with Kee and it just all had to come out eventually. I guess once the tears started...they didn't want to stop. As is the case with me...once I am down...I am down for awhile. I don't do it often..and that darkness has not plagued me in a long time. It just caught me off guard I guess. I continued to work after because I know me. It's better for me to work and keep my mind busy...than to steep in the misery. It seems I learned that from all the women in my family. We all do it. But with the long weekend...and hitting the solace of my room...that was it for me.
I am better and I guess sometimes you just have to feel it all to get through it. I had no feelings of wanting to leave this world. Just hide from it behind my old friend sleep, behind the safety and darkness of my eyelids.

Keenan has been moved to Scioto Village now. This is the holding facility outside of Columbus. He will be there about 30-45 days for assessments, these determine what facility he will be housed in the rest of his sentence.
He seemed fine when I visited him on Sunday. The ususal complaints.
He was not fairing as well on Monday after the move. He was depressed as expected. The reality of what was going on hit him and he was regretful of what he had done to himself. That was only worsened by the fact he realized I was not rushing down there for a visit anytime soon.

As explained to him earlier, the visit is a total of 1 1/2 and the drive is 2 hours
My little car is not that dependable. So my girlfriend has offered to ride wiht, and have coffee somewhere...but I am not doing this...often. In fact when he asked when are you coming, I told him close to Christmas...he said, man that sucks.....well you being there sucks period. I have a life here, you have brothers here...and this was your decision. You have been spoiled with me always being there for visits. This time I just can't do it. So he was not happy. He wanted to talk to someone, a counsler a doctor for his meds already. He said I told that stupid nurse...look I need MY MEDS NOW....I am sure his incessant griping will get them pretty quick....I expect a call by go over what he needs. I am hoping the phsyc there is not an idiot I will have to argue wiht about what meds he should be on. I know they are famous for screwing them up. His cocktail of Lamictal and Seroquel was working fine. I would like to see him stay on it this time.

So that is where I am today. Where I have been all week. I am alive, I am okay. And the darkness appears to be lifting for now. I am not lying to myself and thinking this will be an easy thing to live with. It's not. I am not lying to myself and thinking this will be the only time the darkness of depression will get ahold of me. I don't think it will stay as long because this time I am ready for it. I am happy it's time for the holidays. It means because I have managed to hang on to most of my personal time at work, I will have a lot of time off over the next month. This is a good thing. Sometimes we just need it.

So I am fairing okay cycling warms my heart to have you take the time to notice I am not around...but I am okay ....I know you are used to seeing me here more....sometimes.....I just don't have the energy to make it to the computer and don't feel I have anything "bright and shiny" to offer. So I don't. But I know sometimes you just need to know I haven't jumped off the worries...I have two other children who need me here. I have no intention of letting the vortex of doom suck me in that far.....

By the way, how are you?

Take care....

Hope :)

11-20-07, 11:01 PM
I sent you a picture comment at another site we are buddies on. You have seen it before, but the sentiment is from my heart,

11-20-07, 11:17 PM
Hello old friend....I will go check it out then. I see things have been pretty quiet I will check out my emails...and then it's time to pop my old friend Neurontin and tuck it in for the night....

I hope you are well? Thanks for thinking of me...


11-20-07, 11:25 PM
Hugs hope...I'll send you a piece of pie I baked ..


11-20-07, 11:42 PM
Is he going ok? I know he brought it on himself but can't help feeling really sorry for him. Poor kid.

Hope you're holding out ok.


Matt S.
11-21-07, 10:06 AM
A big old hug for hope...

11-21-07, 08:57 PM

I do not know what youre feeling, I wont pretend to give that worn out dusty ratt a** line. I do , however realte to it.

When lifes very real roller coaster mixes with my disorder the need to scream "Stop the ride, I wanna get off" is sometimes even too much to utter.

I think of these times as a terrible wave that has knocked me down. Having lived at the beach since I was 12 one thing I learned about the waves is, if I relax my body and just gently hold onto my air, it will eventually toss me back up.

Sometimes, while I cant talk and cant socialize, just being around people whether in virtual or face to face brings me solice. I want the comfort of being near people without the obligation to expend the energy talking requires.

Give yourself time, find what ever small things bring you comfort and use them and know (just look at this very needed long running threat for the numbers) that many people are holding your hand and your head.

11-22-07, 02:55 PM
Thanks Laf,

Nice to see you back here. I am doing better. My outlook for Kee is,

Hoping for the best, expecting the worse. Sounds awful but well I just know him well. Six months is kinda of teetering on the edge of not long enough for me. That sounds awful in itself. But I think the time will fly by for him and I am not sure depending on how horrible it is, or how much he gets out of all the therapy if that will be long enough to make an impression on him. Since he has failed the 9th grade twice now and wouldn't graduate until he is almost 19 I have suggested he come out and hook up in the JobCorp. He can live on campus, get his dipolma and not just a GED, and they can teach him a vocational skill. Enabling him to support himself in case he decides he wants to go to college for something else. It would also let him live on campus and be less likely to fall in with the same crowd. I just am concerned that it will be so easy for him to come out and forget the horrors of what it was like there. Out of sight out of mind so to speak. Obviously a month in Parmadale wasn't enough to make an impression.

He is genetically a donkey like his mother. However my legal run in's only took me being locked up once. And that was for 24 hours. That ended my life of juvenile crime. As an adult I have never gotten more than a speeding ticket.
He is obviously more stubborn than I am. So we will lay out a plan and hope for the best.
I am wondering if he will call today? Not sure what they are allowed to do there. I haven't heard from him since they transferred him Monday. I know there are no visiting days on the holiday so at least I don't have the guilt of being the only parent who didn't show up today. So we will see.

The support here from all of you have carried me through some dark times. I am always thankful for my "binary" family here. Sometimes I feel more love from you all here than in my real life....coming in after several days of being gone and seeing messages and threads asking about me warms my heart...
You are right sometimes I dont have the energy to talk in real life, or on the phone...sometimes not even post here, but when I come and see people asking about me and wishing me well, it helps in the darkest hours.

I hope all is well for you and Lizzy, if you are able or when you feel like it, update your thread on her and let us know how it's going?

Thanks for the hug Matt....I felt it...

Hope :)

11-23-07, 04:18 AM
I am glad Kee is safe {relatively speaking} I was worried about him trying to make it through winter up there.

I am sure the shifting of emotions is difficult. I think any mother would have times of emotional over whelm caught some where between that sign of relief and that desire to scream out in anger The bipolar which causes emotions that can take on a life of their own {namely yours} it is especially hard to keep it together. You have done well even if you do not feel this truth presently.

I do know depression sucks - and we have a desire to crawl into some state of non-existence - please do remember all those mistakes of your past you are counting as a cause of all this is only an illusion which our unconsciousness creates to give cause for our feelings of blue. I have never been through what you are describing how ever I do understand parental guilt - some times I wonder if my feels of guilt where I see all the ways I am to blame for my children's present state are my way of trying to continue the illusion that I have some resemblance of control. For me it can be too hard to fathom the notion that I had absolutely no control over the situation or my off springs decisions. Even if I try really hard I simply can not see a how our mother is to blame for my own bad decisions. Some times i have to make myself turn this upside down so I see the truth. The truth is our children become whom ever they choose to be - we as parents much like our own parent is a mere single influences along the path of life which are filled with various influences from diverse places. It is we ourselves who assign the space for our own parental influence and so it is with our own children.

Kee is you son and you know this mean he can't help but have a mind and a will of his own.

The good times fade but do not despair it only means the bad times pass too.

Okay this is as close to emotional support I can get in writing. Strange as it may seem I have feelings, very deep felt emotions do exist within me but my feelings just don't seem to do words worth a damn.

I am glad this phase of life has come to an end I am glad Kee is finally getting this over with. Rest sister and know moving through the emotions now means you will be moving past this place - your emotions will remain fore ever in this place in time which is far batter then dragging them like a ball and chain into the future. Know you are loved even if I do not express it very well, Even during the times of perceived loneliness you have never been far from my thoughts and prayers.

11-23-07, 09:01 AM
I need tissue now, Tammy....

You express yourself just fine in "bindary" words and in real worries there. If I haven't said it lately you are an awesome big sister....

I understand perfectly what you are saying and I know you understand what I am going through with him as well as any mother with a BP kid could....

Thanks for coming by and writing...I know a 2 minute read...full of what you think isn't dripping emotion, was a long drawn out process for you...I appreciate it very much and feel even more loved and supported now...than before.

I am getting better every day that goes by. My resolve is building again and I know I have done as good as can be expected as a parent with Bipolar who has a kid with it..can do....He will be okay, I know because the same genetic donkey like stubborness and tenacity that got him there will get him through it.

He called right before we went up to eat last night. He is settling in now..he had a hard first week but the routine is helping. So I am still waiting for the call from them to go over the information. He has not seen the physc yet...he is not happy about that...he's like what are they waiting for, for me to have a melt down? I said you would not be the first, and not the last I am sure they will not be impressed. The routine will help with the moods, I know this personally. I think we will all be fine. So until I hear more...everything is as good as can be expected.

Hope :)

11-23-07, 10:10 AM
edit: wrong thread but I wish you well anyway hope. I know you don't know me but my mum had a similar experience with me although I don't have bipolar which probably makes it a whole different kettle of fish

11-23-07, 10:57 AM
Hi Hope, Sorry I'm so late in catching up on yours and Keenan's ordeal, It seems I'm always that old cow's tail! Lol!!

I want to tell you You really are a True Paragon of strength and I truly admire you for it and given time so will your son. Even though you can't be there with him everyday or even once a week I'm certain He knows you are with him heart, soul and prayers and most important he knows you Love him. It doesn't get any better than that. Hope I hope you and Keenan will find the light of laughter, understanding and that Rainbow at the end of the cloud with the silver lining. Take Care, Honey and Stay Strong~ and here are {{{{{Bushels of Hugs}}}}}}} for all you've been through and for all you're going through . :D :D :D :D :D :D

Matt S.
11-23-07, 05:28 PM
Hang in there sister, I get to be the mother hen now...LOL

12-30-07, 03:04 AM
Hi Hope,

I'm reading to catch up a bit -- a lot has happened. I hope Keenan is adjusting well to his new situation and that you're being kind to yourself. You obviously love him very much and give him the best that you know to give (even if that's hard). I'm praying for you and Keenan. Big hugs!

Take gentle care,

12-31-07, 11:32 AM
Thanks Scattered...

and thanks to the nice pm from a newbie who wanted to remain anonoymous...your support and encouragement was appreciated!

Things are as well as can be expected.
Keenan is officially back on his meds now. Titrating back to 150mg of Lamictal (which I am grateful they kept him on) he is up 75mg this week.

And although I am not happy about this, it's better than nothing , they have put him back on Risperdal...only .5mg..which is not near enough...but he is sleeping some, the phyc doens't like the "sideeffects" associated with they put him on that ...I guess they will find out shortly they better really increase the Risperdal at least 3mg or he will be bouncing....but other than that..I can tell he is more balanced and makes more sense.

He is having a hard time with the "holding" facility mentality. He is anxious to get situated in his "regular" facility. The place he is in now is simliar to the way they do grownup's on the way to prison, they often sit in country or a another holding facitlity before they end up in their final destitnation. The problem with this is that they often could care less about providing good care at these places because no one is long term.

I remind Keenan that everytime he gets really frustrated with the idiots there. His case worker met his fork tongued mom last week, after telling him in a meeting where he was venting, to just "deal with it" ...I am thinking that won't be an issue going forward.

We hope that his move will be coming up soon. I am hoping they put him in a facility about 45 minutes away that has a unit for kids like him.

I talk to him about 3 times per week. He is on good behavior so he can get one free phone call per week, and now is able to receive letters/pics.
Christmas was hard for him. We talked but he ended up sleeping most of the day. I told him evertying that sucks here, imprint in your mind. More incentive not to go there again.

Early release is an option, looking at March. Otherwise his release is set for May. As bad as it sounds, keeping in mind the story behind this whole thing, I am not really looking for an early release. I think the full six months will be something required to make it stick.

So more updates as I get them. Thanks so much for checking on us!


Matt S.
12-31-07, 11:34 AM
I am glad to hear from you hope. I am glad things are starting to somewhat go in a positive direction

12-31-07, 11:41 AM
Thanks Matt :)'s been a long hard road...

01-01-08, 05:53 AM
Hope he does "get it" . . . hey some times it isn't about what I want to do it is about what I do not want to do again - which keeps me out of trouble {legal any ways- knock on wood or some thing like that}

02-17-08, 02:03 PM
It's been awhile since I have been back to this thread.

I visited Keenan for the first time yesterday ,since he was in the detention center being held for sentencing,after turning himself in, that was Nov 15, shortly after his 16th birthday. That was 4 months after he became a runaway.

He was shipped to a holding facility in Southern Ohio where they do the evaluations to decide where he should be placed. I had a hard time tracking down people there to pin down. He was kept on PC or protective custody there because he was sucidal most of the time. I finally got ahold of his "new" caseworker 4 days before he was going to be shipped to his final destination to serve the rest of his 6 month sentence. She informed me that most of the placement decisions were based of a check list and fed through a stupid computer. She agreed that she was not in agreement where he was being placed. I frantically made calls and researched where he was going. At first it was a nightmare. The place he was going had an open case in the Dept of Human Rights. For not complying with state requirements. Some of them were scary. Like the fact there was non compliance wiht keeping these kids safe from the other inmates, placeing kids in the wrong area of the facility and some abuse on the part of the corrections officers.

I spent days trying to fight getting him put there. Including getting ahold of the attorney that was heading up the case. I let them know what happened and I stayed in contact with them. While they had complied with the requirements and the case was on standby for follow up. I ran out of time.

At midnight of the 4th day I got a call from his final placement facility. Of course when his dad handed me the phone and told me it was an officer from the facility my heart stopped. When you get a call at 12am , about your child, you just know it's because they are dead. His first words were Ma'am. Your son is okay. I almost passed out. There had been an incident at the last facility where his roomie and him exchanged body blows and Kee had marks, bruises and swelling that had been there days. He never reported it, and no one bothered to check him before they shipped him out. They wanted to call and let me know. They were reported to the State Troopers, and Child protective services. That case is ongoing.

After explaining to the intake officer, my knowledge of the system the fact I was indeed a mom who was going to be involved to the point they would get tired of hearing my voice, and the fact I was well connected to high powered attorneys I worked with and the one heading the current case that involved them, I was quickly given phone numbers and names to contact.

I have stayed in constant contact with Keenan. We talk 3 times a week and I write him weekly.
He has remained in PC most of his time there. Finally he had a great worker, who spent time with him a lot at night when Kee couldn't sleep who got me in touch wiht all the workers he was dealing with now. Including his phychiatrist. We have spent a lot of time on the phone and she is very open to what I think is best for him. Since he has spent so much time in PC it was hard for her to determine what he needed before we talked. They made the mistake of trying to shove him in regular population and school. Well I got a letter from him , shortly after a phone conversation where he was extremely aggitated, and suicidal. I hung up and read the letter. It was sent 4 days prior. He was in the same frame of mind. Which is out of the normal realm of cycles for him. I was reduced to a sobbing mess of goo. I was up at dawn that morning making calls and faxing the copy of the letter to every number I had.

I got a quick response. Including a 6am call from his doctor, who is only there once a month. We chatted for 30 minutes and I filled her in on every detail about him. I told her this letter is concerning, in it's intensity, and due to the fact the feelings remained from the time he wrote it until the phone call 4 days later. He is in danger. She said she would take care of it, agreed to put him back on Seroquel which they had not put him back on since incarcerated. And she agreed to up his Lamictal to 150 which is the combo he was doing so well on before. They had moved him on another unit. Although he is not as happy as he would have been on the intensive mental health unit, he is much happier than before. They are reviewing the case, and watching him to see if they can move him there. I told her, look he wants to just do his thing, serve his time, get his school done, but feel safe. He can't function in a normal school environment, with normal delinquent kids. Why can't we put him where he can function so he can just get this over. Otherwise we are going to drag it out, it will lengthen his time there, and could end very , very badly.

She agreed. We stay in close contact now. I talk to his psyhchologist weekly and his caseworker as well. I feel better.

I saw him yesterday. The facility he is in is over 2 1/2 hours away. He has grown, now 6'3. He has gained weight (last time I saw him he was 6 '2, and about 150lbs) now he is 189. He has been eating better and lifting weights.
He looked well. His cutting has stopped now, his scars fading. His mood was level and we talked about positive things and it was not just geared on anger and anxiety, and hopelessness. It was good to see him that way. Funny all 6'3 & 189lbs of him, still needed his mommy, as he refers to me when he really needs me. I can tell he is leveling on his meds again, I can tell he has stopped holding his breath about where he was placed. So I could finally exhale myself.

Keenan's being there is a direct result of many years of poor parenting on my part due to my own untreated / undiagnosed BP, and his. Instead of laying down in regret, stuck in not forgiving of myself, and a pity party. I decided to fight. After becoming level on my own meds, and dealing with those failures, I decided to become educated about both of our diseases, and the system. If I had not done these things I believe there is a very real possibility that the midnight call I got about him, would have been the call I feared the most.

Becoming an advocate for his and my own mental illness, has saved both of our lives on many occassions. Becoming educated in every area of his life, in regards to schools and then the juvenile facility, has also saved his life, and my sanity. If I had not done these things, if I had not fought for my own sanity I would not have been focused enough to continue to blow up the phones and insist they listen to me. That they were going to do what I expected of them and I would indeed hold them accountable on every level. Many of these kids have slipped thorough the cracks of the system. I refuse to let him be one of them. It has not been easy, there are days I just want to crawl in a hole and forget he exists because of the pain.

The pain and frustration of being stuck on the outside and not being able to just drive there and break him out has often pushed me to the brink family has helped me so many times, our own personal doctor who also works in the system with these kids, the promise I made to Keenan that I would always be there, and the promise I made to myself that I would be a living example of what taking meds and being educated can do while living with this disease, has let me get up each day and continue to make the calls, write the letters, and get not only myself, but our family healthier for his return home.

His release date is scheduled for May 13, 2008. We still have a lot of work to do. Thank you to everyone here who has been through this saga with me. Your support has given me the strenth to make it through some really dark moments. I often read and re-read the stories I wrote here when it all began to remind myself how far we have come and how much support there is out there for us. I have hope that we will make it.


Matt S.
02-17-08, 02:29 PM
I am so glad to hear that your son is doing better, I have been in a similar situation as he has so I think I understand how he feels.

I think that you are handling this very well, I can only imagine and empathize with you based on that, how it must feel. You are very strong and you handle things really well. I admire that about you. (I'm kind of jealous)

My mother tells me the same thing about the midnight phone call a lot, that part kind of touched me a little, makes me want to cry to hear that, personally. I know when my mom tells me that she gets anxious when the phone rings and she thinks it might be "the call", it kind of makes me feel like dirt. Then I get over it because I understand that I have an illness that I don't always medicate and impulsive behaviors that go along with mania, especially in my case, can lead to my own end.

Sorry for carrying on about me there but I was touched by that part and wanted to let you know.

I am glad to hear that you finally got to visit your son.

It always feels good when things are even kiltered and stable, even if the circumstances aren't always the best.

Hang in there Hope

Thanks for posting, I was personally touched by that post.

You Cycling Brother,


03-13-08, 06:15 PM
WOW, OH WOW, OH WOW. I had just posted my blog about my 16 year old son, Joe. I got a reply from (is it your cousin? brother?) anyways- linking me to your story. Thank you for your candid- open, honest comments. I, too, have felt like everything we've done for our son has been taken for granted. Yet, I will (as you have) always continue to love him unconditionally, support him in any way I can, and ultimately hold him accountable in hopes of bringing about change in his life. We saw our son today in the behavioral health hospital-- his 3rd time in a year. First time there, he had threatened to kill us. Second time there, he had threatened to kill his brothers. This time, it was because he had continued stealing from us, from his brothers, and we found out the money was going towards "self-medication" (that's such a nice way to put it, right?). He's facing court charges early April on domestic battery & criminal damage to property. I'm scared out of my mind-- if the states' attorney digs a little bit deeper, they'll find he's had 3 other police interactions (but no more arrests) since these charges were filed last summer. Thank you again-- I was crying as I read your story because I can relate on many levels. We still don't even have a true bipolar diagnosis- he's been treated for mood disorder (the meds didn't work well), and now we're back to addressing his ADD but I think it's more than ADD. He cannot (and has never been able to) link his behaviors with the consequences laid out. He used to be remorseful but I think it was more because he didn't like to have to face the consequences of groundings, etc. maybe not because he really cared. And yet I still think he's a great kid- he's going to have a great life one day & I'm holding on to my optomism with all my might because I feel like I'm going to lose that-- and when I've lost hope, I've lost everything.

10-30-08, 11:32 AM
Dear Hope
I don't know all the story, but I send you a lot of ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ waves (sorry for my mistranslation). You have all the time to digest it.

02-21-09, 08:13 PM
Ur in my prayers man.