View Full Version : Jokes Anyone??????(We could all use a smile once in a while)
01-24-04, 10:54 AM
Here's a little story about the magical little group of beings called the trids....the trids lived in a little village in the woods near a river. they lived a rather happy life, except when thy had to go to market in a nearby village...in order to get there they had to cross the bridge to the other town...and under the bridge lived a horrible old troll who would run out from under the bridge and kick the poor little guys back to their side of the river. Now, the trids just didnt know what to do...they tried reasoning with the evil little troll..."if you leave us alone we will give you food on the trip back"
"I hate trid food" the troll would reply and continue kicking the poor little guys back to their village....
one day, the local rabbi was paying a visit to the town accross the river and asked if some of the trids would like to accompany him on his journey...the trids got nervous and politely declined...the rabbi said "oh, is there something the matter...why would you not accompany me on this trip..." the trids replied, telling the rabbi about their fears of the evil little troll....the rabbi, shocked and horrified, said "well, If I am with you, you wont get kicked....no one is going to kick anyone in the company of a holy person....we will be fine"....The trids liked this idea and joined the rabbi....as they approached the brdige they became nervous but there didnt seem to be any sign of the evil troll...so they began walking accross the bridge...the troll heard them above and ran out and kicked all the trids back accross the river....but he didnt touch the little old rabbi at all...
the rabbi said "Mr. Troll, these trids have nothing against you ut you continue to kick them...and yet you didnt kick me and I was wondering why not, I come from the same town, there's not much difference between myself and my friends, why kick them and not kick me"
The Troll Replied....."Silly Rabbi, Kicks are for trids!"
(GROAN....hahahahahahahaha)......I am not sure if this is exactly right, but I have always loved this joke.....any other good ones out there?:D
01-24-04, 10:56 AM
what do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A FLAT MINER! (A flat minor!)
01-24-04, 02:53 PM
Then there was the one about the Buddhist monk who refused to get his teeth frozen at the dentists, because he wanted to transcend dental medication...
01-24-04, 06:37 PM
What is green and yellow and goes dingle dangle?
01-24-04, 09:23 PM
Yes, I gotta know, too! I've polled the householde and nobody knows.
01-24-04, 09:27 PM
A green and yellow dingle dangle.
What's orange and yellow and goes dingle dangle?
An orange and yellow dingle dangle? maybe???
How do you get an elephnat into a refrigerator?
01-25-04, 12:57 PM
(Unfortunately, no. Nothing. They don't come in that color...)
Put a can of peanuts in it?
01-25-04, 01:03 PM
ok - how can you tell when an elephant has been in your fridge?
01-26-04, 08:26 AM
and how can you tell when a stage is level for a rock concert?
01-26-04, 10:23 AM
A1: somebody's been in your can of peanuts.
A2: the drummer doesn't fall off his seat.
What's brown and sticky?
01-26-04, 10:32 AM
(also.....there's drool coming out of both sides of the drummers mouth!)
what is brown and sticky????
01-26-04, 10:33 AM
Q: What is brown and sticky?
A?: The Truth?
01-26-04, 11:13 AM
I'm not touching it.
01-26-04, 11:37 AM
Originally posted by pembroke
ok - how can you tell when an elephant has been in your fridge?
By the elephant prints in your butter..... :rolleyes:
01-26-04, 11:38 AM
brown and sticky ..... hmmmm
a bear covered in honey? :p
01-26-04, 11:42 AM
My dining room after I mustered the courage to make a pancake breakfast for my whole crew?
01-26-04, 01:11 PM
Brown and sticky? I'm afraid to ask
During class one day 5 yr old Billy's teacher asked the children what they had done yesterday.
Billy: I found a dead frog
Teacher: How did you know it was dead
Billy: Well I ****** in his ear and he didn't move
Teacher: YOU WHAT?
Billy: Well I leaned over and said psssssssssst in his ear and he didn't move.
01-26-04, 06:14 PM
brown & sticky: Molasses
01-26-04, 08:09 PM
FG....not sure which is funnier/more disturbing....your post or the one before you about brown and sticky.....hahahahahahahaha.....anyway....gave me a larf...
01-26-04, 08:10 PM
Flakey_girl....was referring to the "not touching it" line btw
01-26-04, 08:37 PM
good, NOT unintentional:D
01-27-04, 09:57 PM
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you can go."
How young can you die of old age?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
thank you, steven wright...
01-28-04, 10:34 AM
Oh, people get your minds out of the gutter...What's brown and sticky? A stick.
01-28-04, 10:43 AM
Is that the real answer?????
Going WAAAYYYYY back in time, To get an elephant in your fridge, you open the door and put it in. Easy.
How do you get a Giraffe in your fridge?
01-28-04, 01:53 PM
Open the door take the elephant out and put the giraffe in?
BTW since we are traveling back in time those 20 ppl stuck on the escalator they weren't by chance blonde were they?
and yes I'm a blonde and YES I camophlage it lmao
So all the animals were called to a meeting that night, who wasnt there?
01-28-04, 02:02 PM
What do blondes and coke bottle have in common?
01-28-04, 02:15 PM
They are both empty from the neck up.
OK two men decide to get a little phaesant hunting in one day. While walking the field one of the men stops, grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
The other hunter quickly pulls out his cell phone and calls 911
911 this is the operator please state your emergency
HELP HELP!! my friend grabbed his chest and fell to the ground, he's unconscience and I think he may be dead.
OK sir I'm completly capable of helping you and if necessary talking you thru cpr.
First thing is first I need you to make sure he is dead, you need to lean down and listen for breathing and check for a pulse.
...the operator hears nothing for a long period of time and just when she starts to get worried she hears a large
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (then the hunter comes back on line and says)
OK HE'S DEAD WHAT NEXT?
01-28-04, 02:33 PM
What do blondes and coke bottle have in common?
me, me, me --- ooooo -i know, i know!!!!!
They're both empty from the neck up.
01-28-04, 02:45 PM
01-28-04, 07:44 PM
A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
01-29-04, 08:43 AM
I am in the midst of writing a book about the after life...Its going to be a posthumous publication
01-29-04, 08:44 AM
Im also writing a book of jokes about the afterlife....That one's gonna be a posthumorous publication....
01-29-04, 08:59 AM
yeah, I know its kind of lame....I didnt know the signature was gonna change in all of my posts right away.....oh well, I just hope its not gonna lose its humour if people see it that often (I was reading a lot of steven wright jokes and those two dont seem to be in his repetoire...so I think they are pretty original....I hope
01-29-04, 02:15 PM
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
01-29-04, 07:58 PM
here's a little story from my favourite comedian...Emo phillips...
was in San Fransisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns... You've heard of the elephant man. He was kind of like that, he had a, well, you could say he had the head of a horse. And my heart went out to him. I said, "Why the long face?"
He said, "'Cause all my life people have called me mean names like horses-head or Flicka or chess-piece or Trigger..."
I said, "Well, don't worry about it, Ed. It can't be that bad."
He said, "My girlfriend's suing me!"
I said, "For palomino?"
He said, "Why was I put on this Earth?"
I said, "My friend, anywhere else you wouldn't stand a chance."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny."
He said, "How do you know there's a God?"
I said, "Of course there's a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?"
He said, "I do believe in God."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What franchise?"
He says, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over!
No, the stage is NEVER level. It ALWAYS ROCKS !
05-15-11, 05:13 PM
Ask a question on Johnny Walkers tread. You better be quick, its a small discount and its ending in 2 days. I have to liquidate man and recoup my costs. So i can keep walking.
swseet,shapely and no one wants spitback. Oh,it keeps you up at night
I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.