View Full Version : Bipolar Has Killed My Family HELP ME


dawizfan00
08-12-07, 03:10 PM
Hey im new to this site. I have been treated for bipolar for bout 5 years now. Im stubborn and hate taking my meds , i will take them for a couple weeks or month or so. Then i think i dont need them. then im back to my old self again. snapping at the love of my life,,my kids and family and friends around me. Bout 2 months ago i came home from work and my lady and kids were gone. They moved out cause they couldnt handle how i was acting towards them for no reason. My kids and lady mean the world to me , and i never really seemed to show them how much they mean to me. I never was abusive to them at all, just seem to yell alot. I plan on going to set up another appt with the counsler again, just wanted to know if there are any suggestions somone can give me to help me continue my meds, so i can become a better person in life, and maybe sometime my family will come home :( If they never do then i can be a great person towards my kids and whoever comes in my life. This past weekend i had a bad session of depression i didnt want to do nothing, felt like i didnt have anyone to talk to. When me and my ex lady talk on phone i want to talk to her so bad, that for some reason i go off on her on the phone for some of the dumbest stuff. If u can help me with any kinds of suggestions or tips on how to be a better person please help thanks

speedo
08-12-07, 03:17 PM
Well, it is up to you to be a better person.

When it comes to bipolar disorder and medications... they only work if you take them, and they work a lot better if you take them consistently.

You have a choice. Take the meds or not. It is up to you.

It helps to be self aware. Know when you are cycling , know when you are manic and know when you are depressed. You might find that you can compensate a little, or be able to put on the emotional "brakes" enough to not be toe dipping into full blown mania. It's your life. Bipolar is a biochemical condition and you are pretty much going along for the ride when you cycle. Stay self aware and it helps a little, and make sure you take your meds.


Amazingly, I just had this conversation with my daughter, several states away. She is struggling to cope with her bipolar disorder without meds because she can not afford a doctor. She does okay, but she really needs to get her condition treated as she sometimes develops a bit of psycosis that can be downright scarey to be around.

She would do a lot better if she would take her meds when she has them... invariably she starts with a doctor, gets treated, things improve, and then she stops taking the meds and he entire life disintegrates... she does this over and over.

Bipolar is hard, it often comes with some quirks that can lead a person away from proper medical care.

You just have to know, that many bipolars will not take meds consistently, and many spend much of their time denying that a problem exists. The meds can reduce the psycosis and the mood swings... but only if a person takes them in the first place.

The bottom line is that you either take care of your condition and get by a little better, or you don't.
Some people with bipolar get by without meds. They stay self aware and they manage their moods cognitively. Some people with bipolar definitely need to be medicated at all times. It's a tough disorder.

If the meds help, take them.

Me :D

Crazy~Feet
08-12-07, 03:54 PM
Thanks for summing that up so neatly, Speedo, my friend. You know me all too well :D and here comes the inevitable reply from Blabberfingers herself.

Welcome Daizfan00. I myself have bipolar disorder, as do a lot of people here at ADDF. I can tell you a few things about this illness...because I have personal experience.

I can also offer you the assistance of the ADDF Cycling Team. We are a tough group of people who live with BP in ourselves and sometimes in family members, who support each other through whatever may happen in our lives. We can be rather blunt when we get the impression that somebody needs a wakeup call too ;) ...so much deluding the self goes on with bipolar and we know it well.

And I need to remind you of the deluding tendency now, it seems. This stubborness you mention? Its part of it. The tendency to start meds, then discontinue them? Part of it too.


In case nobody has ever bothered to inform you, which would be a real shame if nobody had bothered at all and a real disservice to you, bipolar is a progressive illness. Without treatment and stabilization, it can and does get worse. I do not know which form you have been diagnosed with, but it is a fact the someone who has been diagnosed with BPII (like me) who does not bother to treat it can at any time push that way too far and develop BPI.

Its very easy to play down the effects that your bipolar can have on those around you. Its crucial to remember that we do NOT see ourselves in quite the same light as others see us. This is also the nature of the illness. Untreated BP can warp your thinking, so to speak, and convince you that its really not all that bad, especially if you are in the midst of a "white" mania/hypomania. During those times, we feel absolutely fantastic and are convinced that others see us that way too. ARE we fantastic? Absolutely not. We are completely out of touch with reality during a cycle, both parts of it, not only the depressive side. Even if its hypomania, and not full-blown psychotic mania, the imbalance of brain chemicals affecting mood may convince us that there is nothing to worry about at all.

Then again, as the illness progresses, "white" manias/hypomanias tend to manifest less and less often, becoming "black". This will manifest as extreme irritability, nastiness, verbally and yes, even occasionally physically attacking. If the event is a full-blown mania, it may become a psychotic episode--and several people here can verify for you that this is the case.

Treatment is necessary for bipolar disorder. Its a lifelong illness and we absolutely need to learn to accept that. Have you ever sat and considered exactly WHY you "hate taking meds"? Why is that? Is it resentment of others who don't have bipolar? Is it the necessity of the responsibility required to stick with treatment? Do you suspect that you also have AD/HD--and most people with BP do--and will simply forget the meds, so why bother at all? Has nobody bothered to inform you that medication compliance is necessary or the illness may progress?


This past weekend i had a bad session of depression i didnt want to do nothing, felt like i didnt have anyone to talk to.
Well, now you do :) , indeed, have people to talk to...people that really and truly understand the nature of BP or are learning to, just as you are. When you post in this little corner of the forums, you are among friends. People just like you, people who live with or know people just like you. And as long as I moderate this subforum? I can assure you that any posts that may be an attack on us and unproductive to us will be dealt with as soon as I become aware of them.

Many have been the long nights that I have sat in the chatroom with a BP friend that had gone manic and could not sleep...and many have done the same for me. That also applies to those of us who had become depressed and just needed a shred of human contact, even if it was over the internet, to keep them going from moment to moment. The same is available to you, now. :)

Please keep posting and post whatever you need to to get through this difficult stage in your life. If none of us are here at that time? It is inevitable that at one of us will show up eventually and we WILL reply!

Welcome to the ADDF Cycling Team!

dawizfan00
08-13-07, 09:17 AM
Guys im going to the doctor today to get back on my meds. I just need to stay consitant on them. Im new to this site. how can i get in the chat rooms sometime to talk to people?. If someone can tell me how to do it or offer any more advise i would appreciate it. I will write again this evening to let u know what the doctor says today at the visit.Have a good day

justhope
08-13-07, 10:37 AM
Hi DaWiz, and welcome.
I am glad to see you are going to doc. The Chat room here? You just hit it, and go in? If you find someone to chat with, PM them ask them to join and you just click on it at the top of ADDF..and off you go?


Now for my novel to your initial post.

We are a pretty tough group over here. Meaning we are suvivors and we are pretty tough on each other sometimes, when it's needed. Sometimes as BP's we are a little off in our own self perceptions, realities and impact on others.
You are in a safe place. However because we understand and do care, we don't coddle. Please never feel we are attacking you, because we do it because we care and understand where you are coming from. You will see our struggles here, but you will see a lot of success here as well..


Your story is one of the best examples of why we should stay on medications and regularly. I did the same with my family. That is one of the reasons I finally got help and ended up with the diagnoses. I was so angry and aggitated all the time. My kids would come in after I got home from work, pounce on the bed to greet me, and I would flinch and grumble about my space..etc. One time I actually realized what I was doing. I saw the hurt from the rejection in their eyes and thought what am I doing. I could not have handled that type of reaction from someone myself, never mind it was my young kids, and they love me sooo very much. So off I went to the doctor.

I don't know what to say about the medications. I am so scared to death now about not taking mine. I have forgotten 2 times since I started them a year ago. And once had to go 3 days without them, due to financial strains. I was terrified. Although I am Cyclothymia/BPIII and am a rapid cycler, I don't care, I dont' ever want to live like that again. I don't care how good the highs felt, the aftermath when it was over was too much. So for me there is not an issue with taking them all the time.

I put them in a 7 day pillbox. I get to work, I get my coffee, I take them and then eat breakfast. It is so much of a routine, I don't even notice anymore.
Something else that has helped me, is I am a writer. I have a Blog where I journal, write "article" type Blogs on BP advocacy, and poetry, and even my early threads here. I look back to the pre diagnoses days, and shortly after, and I see the extremes. The deep black depressions and the highs. I remember my kids eyes. I am not going back ever.

I have also personally witnessed the effects, in the one person you don't want to see it in. My 15 year old son. His refusal of taking his meds, has left him to get into trouble, spend a month in an intensive treatment center on suicide watch. We got his dx this year, and even though he felt so much better once he leveled out on his meds, after months of refusing to take it regularly. I lost him to the streets 2 weeks after he was out. Since he was on probation, once they catch him, if he doesn't end up dead by his own hands, he will spend the last 3 years childhood incarserated. It is ridculous to me, he said when he was medicated he had never had a day in his life where he felt normal and not angry. He hugged me regularly which he had never done. But he came out and is gone again.

I am not cured. I still cycle. But I have become educated. I know my cycles, and my triggers and I prepare myself for them. Being aware wiht the meds helps me deal with it. Like Speedo said, you must make a choice. There is no magic answer. You must do it on your own. Perhaps you have not faced it, or the effect it has on your family. Until you realize and except this is for the rest of your life, and it requires a lifetime commitment to it, you will fail.
That reality and commitment is not easy to swallow.

However, losing your family is just the first of many tragedies you will face if you don't do it. Since the disease is progressive you will most likely face the losing of more relationships, jobs, sanity and possibly your life.
You must make the decision to not let it rule your life, and instead learn how to rein it in.

I was dx with ADD for over 13 years. I never had an issue wiht it. The dx of BP has been difficult to deal with. Even being from a large medical family who have worked with mentally ill folks. Finding out my son was BP and it was from me, was almost too much. Part of my drive to use this positively was fighting for him. I educated myself and fought for him and others like us. I hoped to help him avoid the heartache I endured after living 36 years without medication. However it was not enough.

You have to find your own reason to fight. Perhaps think of the fact that one of your own kids might have it. If so they will need you to be there, and stablizied. You are their example , your influences will shape them and their futures. You have already caused trauma and now a large hole in thier lives. You have a chance to change that.
Why would you not take a really long look and make the commitment to get held and take the medications and get on with your life. If not for you, for them and all who love you.

I have come to terms with the fact this is the rest of my life. I would rather swallow a pill the rest of my life that live the nightmare I did for years.
I hope you find your reason to fight. Before you are too far gone to care anymore. That would be the biggest tradegy to you and your family.

Please keep coming here. This place has been my santuary and lifeline many times. Don't let the highs lie and tell you you don't need it, and don't let the black depressions tell you we don't care. We are here all hours of the day and night. I need it as much as it needs me.

Why don't you just start there?

I hope you do well. I am glad you are starting your commitment over. I am sorry it took that loss to get you there. But don't give up hope.

Kind regards, and again welcome.

Hope :)

Crazy~Feet
08-13-07, 02:46 PM
Guys im going to the doctor today to get back on my meds. I just need to stay consitant on them. Im new to this site. how can i get in the chat rooms sometime to talk to people?. If someone can tell me how to do it or offer any more advise i would appreciate it. I will write again this evening to let u know what the doctor says today at the visit.Have a good dayAt the top of the page is a button labeled "Chat". You click on that to access the chatroom. You might want to try either PMing the person/people you wish to talk to and invite them to chat, or post a new thread, announcing that you will be in chatroom and would appreciate some company. The chatroom is not populated on a constant basis as a rule, so you are probably going to have to use one of these methods to bring people in. I can vouch for myself and for another BP member here called Jesse 7.0 spending a goodish amount of time in the chatroom lately.

I would be very interested to see what the doc has to say today :) and really, really glad if you keep on coming back for the support we have to offer you. Hoping the appointment goes well and awaiting your reply!

justhope
08-13-07, 04:04 PM
DaWiz!

I am proud of you! I am glad your appointment went well. I am glad you are open to take your meds again and see someone to deal with the other issues that might be triggering the anger. Mostly because you are so willing to come and share things others might be afraid to share. No one likes to admit we act like monsters to our kids. But the simple truth is, when you are all over the place with BP you can't be a great parent? I sure wasn't. So onward and upward!

You can feel free to PM me ...anytime! :D