View Full Version : Because Honestly I'm Not That Strong


Expressions
08-17-07, 05:59 PM
It is tough, tough because I feel like I canít control anything, that I donít know when Iíll be in a rage, or so depressed that I think about suicide or drugs as being the only answer to get out of this living hell, there is no other escape. Everyone has been pressuring me to talk lately, well what if I donít want to talk; would the world really end if I didnít talk, apparently it would. Iím not alright; you donít need to push it in my face.

I remember that day oh so fondly, when I just couldnít make since of how to hold it in anymore, so I let it rush out and oh what a mess it made. I was issued to the hospital for days and everyone was like why, why him? I didnít choose to fit that label of uncontrollable, drama infused, unstable, depressed and aggressive, I didnít choose any of this. They never told me any comfortable words, they were down to business, I wasnít some person that had a name, I was just another patient, or a number in their big heads.

The only thing that kept me sane in that hospital was my guitar and writing lyrics for songs; I have this one song that Iím still working on, but it was beating in my head, just like a real fast-beat song, with breaks in the bridge and a loud scream, all colliding at once. The only thing that will ever guide me through this sucky thing called life is the music, because that whatís it all about.

I have learned that nobody cares anymore, and I have also learned that sometime they care too much. I feel like a lab mouse in my own house, with everyone watching my every move, asking me daily about how Iím feeling and what is up with Craig. I donít get it anymore, before it was like I basically went unnoticed, but when you put bipolar in the mix youíre sure to get something special.

Sometimes it takes no words to explain emotion, only action, but I have also learned that through action you can obtain fear, hate, pain, mixed emotions, and most importantly control, yet isnít that what everyone seeks? Everyone wants control over their life, what they do, their choices and what they have to choose from, it is a natural human want, but mine is something that eats at me every day, because I canít always feed its need.

There are also times when I feel no control, and that is really when it breaks the barrier from stable to unstable, because that is when it doesnít matter if somebody tries to help me from feeling this way Iím still going to take it the wrong way, and boom boom, it comes down so hard on my heart, it pierces itís way through.

Maybe Iím just asking for attention, maybe itís not as bad as it seems, but oh how bad it seems then. I canít hold it in anymore, the meds or supposed to work, but they arenít. Everyone thinks Iím crazy, what did I do to deserve this, I did nothing. They said Iíve had since I was a kid, well I donít care anymore, I hate this, this hell inflamed disorder.

I hate feeling this way, there are pretty much no words to describe it, itís the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me, best because I finally know why I have felt this way my whole life, worst because I still donít want to believe it.

I am afraid, afraid because honestly I'm not that strong, so I fear I will break, but haven't I already broke, who needs this anymore.

Note: This is a one-shot/short story I made and posted on another board. The character Craig is a character of the canadian hit show Degrassi, which I love! Disclaimer: I do not own the character Craig Manning or Degrassi The Next Generation either, if I did however things would of been quite different!