View Full Version : Grrr......


Sky81
08-20-07, 09:24 AM
So I skrewed up yet another thing at work....I f*ed up an email (one of those "copy everyone under the sun" emails).....

I'm reminded first thing Monday morning of my inpetness by my boss (who already thinks I'm a total moron).....

I started banging my head against my desk.....great I have a huge bruise now...

I can't take it anymore....I can't do anything right.....

Why am I suck a ***** up???

Crazy~Feet
08-20-07, 09:30 AM
Sorry you are having such a terrible morning Sky :( please don't hurt yourself! And don't beat up on yourself so much either...I am sure the rest of the world will do that for you :rolleyes: I know they do that for me!

Did you go to the doc last week? I can't remember if you had an appt. or not...if you did, what happened? And if you didn't, what are your plans?

justhope
08-20-07, 10:02 AM
Reining those things are difficult.

I have learned that lesson the hard way.
It was about 6 months before my boss let me send anything out.
He would have me type it up and then send to him to review. It drove me nuts, but now I can do it just fine. And now if I am going to send an email in regards to some problem or issue, I often send it to him to review, and he will let me know if I sound like a jerk or don't make sense. Sometimes, I just send it to him and I feel better.

The only thing I can tell you is to try typing it up, save as a draft, take a break for a few minutes, open it back up and re-read it. See if it makes sense.
Then send it. Some of it's just being disciplined in taking the time to review it before sending it. Sometimes it helps if you have a friend or collegue to review it before you send it. After being a supervisor for 6 years now, I often review the "rookie" supervisors emails to make sure they are okay. I offer, not expect. It's helpful.

Don't get too frustrated. Like CF asked didn't you go to the doctor yet?

Hope :)

Sky81
08-20-07, 10:14 AM
My boss actually rewiwed it before I sent it.....I am not allowed to send out anything that hasn't been reviewed first......I guess she missed the error too, but it's still my fault for making the mistake in the first place......

I haven't gone to the doctor yet....I don't have an appointment until October.

I'm really considering resigning from my job. I can't do it right anymore.....My batches don't come out right, I can't send emails...I blurt stuff out in meetings....I can't even get labels to print out right.....there is nothing I can do right.....

My boss doesn't understand why I can't get my act together (that makes two of us). I really should leave before I get fired, just in case I need to use this job as a reference someday......

I could go back to bartending and maybe I'll try dancing. I know the boyfriend won't like it but too bad for him.....I don't need him anyway.....

Too bad I ****ed it up....I did have a good thing going for me......

Crazy~Feet
08-20-07, 10:35 AM
Wow, waiting until October? That must be hard to take. Are you impatient to get in there?

Do you REALLY think you mess up on purpose? Isn't it possible that you really and truly do have ADHD along with BP? I'll remind you again...the comorbity rate from BP to ADHD is just huge! Most BPs have ADHD to deal with too.

And untreated ADHD is rough too. Its not rough in the same way the BP is...but its still very, very hard. According to the International Consensus Statement...well, here, see for yourself:

(Selected bits because this thing is truly enormous!)

International Consensus Statement on ADHD (http://www.addwarehouse.com/shopsite_sc/store/html/consensus.html)
January 2002

We, the undersigned consortium of international scientists, are deeply concerned about the periodic inaccurate portrayal of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in media reports. This is a disorder with which we are all very familiar and toward which many of us have dedicated scientific studies if not entire careers. We fear that inaccurate stories rendering ADHD as myth, fraud, or benign condition may cause thousands of sufferers not to seek treatment for their disorder. It also leaves the public with a general sense that this disorder is not valid or real or consists of a rather trivial affliction. We have created this consensus statement on ADHD as a reference on the status of the scientific findings concerning this disorder, its validity, and its adverse impact on the lives of those diagnosed with the disorder as of this writing (January 2002).


As attested to by the numerous scientists signing this document, there is no question among the world's leading clinical researchers that ADHD involves a serious deficiency in a set of psychological abilities and that these deficiencies pose serious harm to most individuals possessing the disorder. Current evidence indicates that deficits in behavioral inhibition and sustained attention are central to this disorder -- facts demonstrated through hundreds of scientific studies. And there is no doubt that ADHD leads to impairments in major life activities, including social relations, education, family functioning, occupational functioning, self-sufficiency, and adherence to social rules, norms, and laws. Evidence also indicates that those with ADHD are more prone to physical injury and accidental poisonings. This is why no professional medical, psychological, or scientific organization doubts the existence of ADHD as a legitimate disorder.

ADHD is not a benign disorder. For those it afflicts, ADHD can cause devastating problems. Follow-up studies of clinical samples suggest that sufferers are far more likely than normal people to drop out of school (32-40%), to rarely complete college (5-10%), to have few or no friends (50-70%), to under perform at work (70-80%), to engage in antisocial activities (40-50%), and to use tobacco or illicit drugs more than normal. Moreover, children growing up with ADHD are more likely to experience teen pregnancy (40%) and sexually transmitted diseases (16%), to speed excessively and have multiple car accidents, to experience depression (20-30%) and personality disorders (18-25%) as adults, and in hundreds of other ways mismanage and endanger their lives.

Yet despite these serious consequences, studies indicate that less than half of those with the disorder are receiving treatment.


I know that's a lot to read and I apologize for posting an enormous wall of text :o but please...at least skim it?

You might be a lot easier on yourself if you do. Think about it?

justhope
08-20-07, 12:12 PM
Sky...

I know life is short, and a job is a job and I hear what you are saying. Can you take some time off? Do you think you could hang in there until after October until you can get help from doctor or possible meds/change of meds?

I know it's hard. I can't remember if you told us, does your boss know about the diagnoses?

And if your boss reviewed and missed it, then it's your bosses fault, that would be the one instance I would defend.

You are not stupid or a mess up. You are suffering from several things at once. You are overwhelmed in several areas all at once. We do understand Sky.

Gosh can't you crisis call your doctor and see if you can get in earlier?
Sometimes you can request the doctors to call you back and talk to them directly? After talking to you he might want you to come in earlier.
Or perhaps you can call periodically and ask if they have cancellations or request they contact you if they do.

There are no magic words here Sky...all I can do is encourage you to not give up. And give you some {{{{{ HUGS }}}}} so you know we care!


Hope :)

Sky81
08-20-07, 12:44 PM
Actually I just told my boss......she pulled me aside to "talk"....

Apparently she's seen the cuts and bruises on my arms, and she saw the huge bump and briuse on my head, and she said she knew I hit my head on my desk....

She asked if everything was okay.....

I said I was just in a funk, and I'd be okay. She knows I go through "funks."

She said a few months ago I seemed like I was doing so well. I was dressing up more, wearing makeup, doing my hair..She said I was talking alot more, and I seemed so happy...she wondered if there was a new man in my life or something.....

She said she noticed that lately I've kind let myself go....I don't wear makeup or jewlery.... I pull my hair into a bun, and I don't care what I wear to work....

She can tell I go through "funks," which she though were just bouts of exhaustion from working seven days a week....

It's interesing to hear what this looks like from the outside....someone who has no clue.......

I explained to her that I have what my sister has (she knows a little about my sister), and that three months ago I was anything but my "normal" self......that was the other side of depression....and it's not normal.....

She said she was worried about me, and that whatever medication I'm on isn't working, and I'm being unreasonably hard on myself lately.....

She told me I should try to see my doctor asap, because my behavior isn't appropriate for a professional enviromnent.....I guess she's right....

She also told me that sometiomes I act how Matt did when he forgot to take his medication....

Matt is a guy who used to work in my lab who has ADD......and it was really obvious that he had ADD even with his Aderall.....

She also said that I was one of the smartest chemists that she's ever worked with and she reminded me that I graduated college when I was 19, and that I'm really young to have the title I have.....she said there was a reason I was promoted to the level that I'm at......and I needed to remember why I was promoted....

I know it's in me.....but I just can't get it out.......

It's really hard to get an emergancy appointment with my pdoc.....and I can never talk to her directly.....only her nurse....

I have seen a tdoc that can alsp prescribe medication
(and she acts like my sisters pdoc)......I would probably be able to see her pretty quickly....

Sky81
08-20-07, 02:18 PM
So I tried to get in earlier...okay so now I have to wait until Sept. 11th....

I was ****ed that I couldn't get in any earlier and threw my phone....but at least it didn't break this time....

I can only see this getting worse......

Crazy~Feet
08-20-07, 04:07 PM
What is it that you believe is going to get worse? Are you having bipolar issues along with the uncertainly over possible ADHD? Or is it the job situation that has you concerned?

Valhala Knight
08-20-07, 04:11 PM
What kind of dancing are you talking about?

Sky81
08-20-07, 05:13 PM
What is it that you believe is going to get worse? Are you having bipolar issues along with the uncertainly over possible ADHD? Or is it the job situation that has you concerned?
The bipolar issues....I can feel it getting worse.....I have been self harming, and having thoughts I'm not supposed to have.....I am taking an antipsychotic, so I'm not going to totally lose it, but I'm getting close......

I simply cannot tolerate making mistakes.....no matter how miniscule they are.

I woke up this morning thinking this week is going to be okay, maybe I'll get to the gym or eat something other than peanut butter for dinner. I'll get X, Y and Z done on Monday at work....

So far it's far from okay......now I'll have to explain to everyone why I have two black eyes.....it's not as easy to hide as the cuts on my arms........

The jobs situation is whatever it is.....I feel I cannot do my job anymore, and I think I'm going to either have to resign or I'll risk getting fired....

Now that my boss knows about my "issues" I think the only option I have is to resign.....

Oh Valhala ....the dancing....is that kind of dancing......it's the only way I'd be able to sustain the same income.......and I have bills that will still need paying should I lose my job.......

Valhala Knight
08-20-07, 05:22 PM
Oh, well I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but that's my two cents' worth...

Crazy~Feet
08-20-07, 05:56 PM
OK Sky, you cannot get to the doctor as quickly as you would like to or even as you might clearly need to...and I am so glad that you came clean here and admitted that things are starting to unravel. I am very concerned about you.

I certainly hope that the AP will stave things off for you, but some of the possibilities in the event that they do not are nothing to take lightly. I know you know this and I am not lecturing you, but I know very well how fast the line between "I know the dangers" and "There is nothing to worry about at all" can be crossed. My concern is that you may cross that fine line. :( I know that you know the risks involved and that you really do not want to go there.

I know all about how access to cutlery can create results that can be easily hidden. But honestly...if it was OK, would you really need to hide it?

It appears to me that you are spinning too many thoughts around at once. I urge you to try to let go of them for a while. Stuff like that is what feeds the illness, triggers it to become worse, and makes things become distorted until maybe we cannot see things objectively at all anymore.

The self-criticism is only making you miserable. Nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. That's a fact, and beating yourself up and setting an impossible standard to keep to does not change the fact. You are human and subject to making mistakes. This kind of unproductive self-talk has a very obvious flaw in it. You ran up against somone who likes to debate too much to let that one slide by. ;)

Last time you had a good look, were you, in fact, a human being? Unless you are another type of life form entirely, the statement "I just cannot tolerate making mistakes" remains flawed because it cannot be proven as truth. Human beings make mistakes every day and tolerate them, so it is clearly NOT impossible to do so. And what it probably means is something more along the lines of "I will not not allow myself to be human, and I refuse to let myself off the hook for human behavior". Such negative statements can be let go of...if you stop hanging on to them.

In your post, what you related about your interaction with your boss, your boss seemed to me to be a pretty understanding lady. What makes you draw the conclusion that now that she knows, you have to resign?

I think you have a job you can keep, but you don't see the way to make that a reality right now. That's ok. Give yourself some time to get through this latest bipolar issue, and maybe then you will see your options a little more clearly.

And you are not remembering that you have one option available to you if things really start spiraling out of control and you become convinced that you absolutely are losing it, that beyond a shadow of a doubt things have just gone too far and are about to become dangerous. You might not like to have to take that road but sometimes you do what you have to do when your back is against the wall. That is when you take yourself to the hospital emergency room and admit what is happening to you.

The risks are real and the costs are potentially way too high...and you know this. PLEASE take care of things before its too late to make them right anymore.

Lafnalot
08-20-07, 10:31 PM
Sky, this whole thread is breaking my heart, I feel for you so much. You are me two or three months ago. I was finally hospitalized for ten days. I am out on temp disability to give me time to get balanced again. PLEASE do not give up hope, I suggest becoming a like an annoying recording and calling the doc every day to see if they have had any cancelations. I know its one more thing to add to the list but it sounds like we are doing triage work here and it may be necessary (spell check!). Take two breaths, hold the last one and let it out...I will be thinking of you.

justhope
08-21-07, 08:57 AM
Sky...


Have you been at work long enough to take FMLA? I find would find out, today.

Call your doctor back, and tell him if he can't see you, then to meet you at the hospital before you do something drastic. Tell him you need time off work and get him to fax over a letter to your HR or something so you can take the time off. If you have short term disability then it would cover this, and in most cases kicks in after a week, to help with the pay.

If not, perhaps you have 401k or something you can borrow against to help wiht the salary..I don't know but....


Sky you are quickly becoming very unstable. I am not trying to be "dramatic" here..but this is part the sypmtoms of a very serious progressive disease.

If you don't convey to your doctor what EXACTLY is going on, then he won't understand you are in Crisis and need him now. If he is any kind of phsyc doc..he should have emergency appointments available? If you are cutting...and banging yourself up you are NOT doing well, to say it mildly.

Go to HR , ask, and get the paperwork. If you have been dx with BP or ADD ...you have rights under the 504 / American's Disabilities Act. Use them.


Hope :confused:

Sky81
08-21-07, 09:44 AM
I simply can't take disability or a medical leave....I need my salary....not part of my salary...disability will only pay a part of my salary and if I take a medical leave I won't get paid anything....If I go to the emergency room I have to pay a $150 copay and risk being hospitalized....which I can't be right now....

I have my Seroquel. I can take it as soon as I come home from work (which I have been doing) so I fall asleep around 7pm. I take a high enough dose that I won't wake up until morning.......

If I'm sleeping I can't be doing much damage to myself.....

I just have to get through the workday.....my coworkers know better then to even talk to me right now.....I can function as long as nothing sets me off.......
Luckly I don't have too much going on this week, no meetings, no deadlines......

I've been here before.....I just need to get over it....

Sky81
08-21-07, 11:18 AM
September 11th is three weeks away.....I did take action and changed my appointment, because I've admitted something is wrong. I know I'm being irrational, this is how I get.....I know better then to quit my job, no matter how badly I feel that I need to.....so I'm just trying to do my job today.....so far so good......I got 12 hours of sleep last night....so I feel a little better today.......

I simply can't afford going to an emergency room right now. I have bills to pay and I'm in a bit of a financial bind because of my last spending spree....so I have to think of the financial consequences.......I know quitting my job seems silly, and really it is.....it's one of those irrational impulses I get when I'm like this......I'm not going to act on it.......

I can force myself to not self harm, I can force myself to not lash out at people at work....I can just crawl in a little hole like I do when I get like this.......

This may seem like a crisis, but really it's just me venting because I had a bad day, maybe today won't be such a bad day

I should know better than to let it all out......sometimes I just act like a baby (as my boyfriend would say)......

So from now on I'll shut up.......

Thanks for your concern though......

justhope
08-21-07, 11:36 AM
Venting is fine Sky. For me, one of the "gifts" I have , and I believe it's from the BP & ADD which make us hypersensitive..is the ability to "feel" what you are saying.

I do see venting. That is great, that is one of the reasons the forum is here.
I use it that way as well.


I know you moved your appointment up. I don't think , IMHO, you moved it up enough.

It's sad Sky. It's sad to watch, when it could be avoided. However it's your life.

No one expects you to be quiet. I told you to blaste me back if you want. This is all purely my opinion. If you want to defend yourself or if you think I am wrong, call me on it. I am a big girl.

I just want you to be here Sky. That is all any of us
want you to be. It's really that simple. Because I do care. If I didn't I would be working right now and not here.

If you choose to not post here, up to you.
I can guantee you, if you need me, and I am here. You can talk to me anytime you want. I can guantee you if you do most of the things we have suggested here, you will feel better.

I hope you understand Sky. I am not attacking you, unlike your boyfriend, I am telling you what to do to save yourself. I am not telling you because you are stupid, or a baby. I am not telling you because I need control over you because I am not in control.

I am telling you, to save you. When you are ready I will be more than happy to help.

Hope

Sky81
08-21-07, 12:03 PM
Really if I could have moved it up further I would have, I can't....that's just how the system works. The only other choice I have to be seen sooner is to go to the emergency room, and that is something that I don't want to do right now, it's there should I need it.......

I just had a bad day yesterday.....I'm entitled to have a bad day from time to time, am I not?

I'm not in denial. I know what I have and I know what it can do.....I know when it's time to get help.....yesterday was just a bad day.....I've been in a little funk lately and some days are worse than others.......if they keep getting worse I know how to get help......It's not the first time I've been here, and so far it's nothing compared to last time....so I guess the medication is doing something.....

justhope
08-21-07, 12:33 PM
Ok Sky.

If you are okay. Good. I hear you. I am done. ;)

I was in denial for years before my dx, , and for several months after.


Yes, you are entitled to bad days. You are entitled to vent. You are entitled to tell me to leave you alone and keep my opinions to myself. And I will not be upset at all.

You are also entitled to be happy, and healthy. I hope you feel that way soon Sky.

Hope your day goes well.

Hope :)

sloppitty-sue
08-21-07, 12:48 PM
Sky -

Just wanted to tell you that when I read your initial post, I got HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS about the last job I had. I returned to college after I had my first child in the hopes of "bettering myself" and being able to provide a good life to my child (I'm a single parent). Anyway - I had the opportunity to basically attend college FOR FREE and have paid childcare -- so I took it (as frightened as I was that I would then realize, for certain, that I was a "dumb-dumb").

I picked the "EASIEST" 2-yr major (fin. grant would only pay for 2-yr degree) they had at this school, "Office Administration" and went to town. Suprisingly, I performed extremely well and many of my teachers thought it was "a shame" that I was wasting my "intelligence" pursuiting a career in "Office Administration." But HEY -- I also needed to secure employment after this degree (which they didn't seem to understand) and Office Admin seemed to open doors to jobs doing clerical, secretarial . . . whatever you want to call it. (PLUS -- I actually didn't ENJOY school because it COMPLETELY DRAINED my energy -- and just the thought of even 1 more SEMESTER felt like hell. I gave those few years my ALL -- and there was nothing left!)

So - I'll hurry to the point: One of my former teachers (in acctg) thinks I'm such damn potential that he CALLS ME after I graduate (he stopped teaching at this college by then) and wants to know if I'd be interested in a JOB at his firm!! Holy WOW!! I apply and get the job. And DAMN - SOMEONE is disappointed -- HIM!!! He'd say things like, "Didn't you have the highest grade in the class?" Etc. HOWEVER -- Being a typical ADHDer (which I didn't yet know about at this time), my PERFORMANCE is so inconsistent, PLUS -- I told him that I spent probably 3 or 4 times the amt of time on my schoolwork as the other students.

Move ahead a few years -- I again WIN this AWESOME JOB at a college. Everyone thinks I'm the greatest, and I steadily am given more responsibilities. BUT -- I guess my "work performance" went from "Superior" to . . . well, my boss told me that she couldn't even put "Good" on ANYTHING on my last performance review (which I didn't yet have with her, I left before the actual sit-down).

I don't know how to fix anything for ya, Sweetie, but PLEASE don't be angry with yourself. I KNOW how humiliating and shameful it feels to have your boss and co-workers ANGRY with YOU and accusing you of all sorts of bad things when you are trying you best, just as you always have. ADHDers often have inconsistent work performance, and I believe NOW that OFFICE WORK can be some of the WORST WORK for ADHDers.

YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON!! YOU ARE TRYING YOUR BEST!! And this CRAP in life happens to EVERYONE . . . EVEN THE BEST, MOST ADMIRABLE, SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE go though these types of miseries. Just continue to do your best and treat yourself EXTRA WELL with EXTRA tlc right now. You deserve to!!! Promise me!!

Luv,
Sue

Crazy~Feet
08-21-07, 02:40 PM
Sky, I am so sorry that I missed you this morning, and I hope that you get to check in even if its as a lurking guest.

I am so glad that you will hold onto what I said about the emergency room. You were very brave when you bared you soul to us...a group of strangers, a bunch of fonts...and admitted how you have in the past had a psychotic mania. I remember that well, because the person you risked sharing that experience with was me, to calm my own fears. If I have forgotten to tell you this? I am grateful to you from the bottom of my heart. If I have already told you, it cannot hurt to tell you again, and either way, whichever one I forgot, well...whoopsie! :o I am one of those space cadets you hear about in connection with high degress of ADHD, so please forgive me?

I really don't want you to shut up, you know. Although I am a stranger and nothing but a font, I assure you that there is a person on the other side of that screen you are looking at, and that person is the mother of a child with bipolar, who does not draw distinctions between what she knows is right for her child and for the people she meets online.

That means that I am going to worry for you, Sky.

You aren't being a baby. You are certainly allowed to vent in my little corner of this forum, and nobody can tell you otherwise as long as this is my area to oversee. I don't think that any of them would though. This is a place of safety, support and healing for anybody and everybody with any degree of BP or even possible BP, or who might know somebody with BP or has questions about BP...you get the picture. Bad days happen to everybody on the planet. For us? That's virtually a guarantee.

You are grown and the decisions you make are yours to make and yours alone. I am glad to hear that you believe you are able to keep away from that cutlery. I was a self-abuser too, and I am much older than you are. I can tell you that the desires don't just vanish, and that I have some extremely ugly scars from the times when cutting was not enough to make me feel again, when I allowed my self-abuse to proceed from cutting to burning...and honey, you do NOT want to go there, take it from me. I can also tell you that it is possible to stop that behavior completely. Make another leap of trust and take my word for it.

I understand the fear of financial difficulties. If it ever came down to it and I was forced to make the choice between feeding my children and buying my meds? I really don't know what the hell I would do! What I can tell you is that my own back has been to the wall, I have been to the point that I had no other options, and I have given up on any sense of pride I may have had at all...and walked my happy behind into the emergency room and showed them what I had been doing to myself. It really sucked, but I did it. You can too.

I really hope you come back to us. We would sincerely like to know how you are doing and how this all works out. That appointment with your doctor is an important goal for you, and I believe that you intend to go and get real, and will follow the directives for improving your symptoms and your life.

Its your right, too, to believe that we are all full of it. I kind of think we aren't, but in the end, you make that choice yourself.

I hope that choice is to come back.

Peace, Love and Light!

Crazy~Feet (who is certainly not perfect herself)

Crazy~Feet
08-21-07, 02:41 PM
Hey Sue? It has been really nice to see you come around here and be so active! Great to have you...welcome to the ADDF Cycling Team! :)

Sky81
08-29-07, 01:23 PM
So this gets even better.....I decided to take a few vacation days....well really I was talked into going up to Rhode Island to visit relatives by my Dad....

Before I left my director called me to talk to me in the confrence room nextdoor to my lab.....which never happens unless I'm getting a promotion or I'm in really big trouble......

Well it was the latter of the two. Appaerntly my boss (who now knows about me being bipolar) told my director......who then told our Vice President.....

So my director says that she knows someone with it, and knows how hard it can be....then she starts crying, which I would have never expected.....I really think she was totally faking, because I really don't understand how that could make someone cry....she doesn't even know me....I kinda wish I could cry on demand like that... I can't cry at all....not even when I'm supposed to....

So then a few minutes later my boss tells me we're going down to talk to our VP....

So he seemed really understanding, and said how he's never heard anything bad about me and everyone tells him how smart I am, and that's why I have the position I have....he too "knows somebody" with bipolar disorder, and he says with the right treatment it's a totally managable condition....and said I could take time if I need it and it's important to keep up with the treatment....blah, blah, blah....

I wish I knew what to think of all this, but really I've found that I don't think anything at all.....so what??

But then agian I do think that I will never get another promotion here. I mean who would want someone like me for a boss, when they could have someone without bipolar disorder....but for some reason I don't care...

I don't care about anything lately. I was annoyed by all my relatives, including my father, and bored out of my mind on this vacation.....the only good thing is that I came home with a tan, and that all my bruises and cuts are gone......really I spent alot of time there feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin....it wasn't relaxing to say the least......"relaxing" is pointless to me.....and actually my skin crawls when someone tells me I need to "relax"....

So I really don't know where I am mood wise.....I'm sort of in a funk but not really....I'm just sort of apatheic and listliss.....and it doesn't help that I have nothing whatsoever to do at work.......boredom causes me a lot of anxiety.......

Crazy~Feet
08-29-07, 06:11 PM
Sky, no matter what is going on, I am glad that you stopped in to let us all know how you are holding up, OK?

It sounds like the people at your job really do understand, as much as they are able to, anyway. Its not totally impossible that they do know people with bipolar, according to NIMH:

"About 5.7 million American adults or about 2.6 percent of the population age 18 and older in any given year, have bipolar disorder."

I think that gives them at least a little room to be telling the truth. And it indicates that they might easily wind up with bipolar employees even if they were not to have you any longer, right? They gave you time off without any problem, and it seems like your impression of yourself as a bad employee is not their impression at all! That doesn't sound like 'big trouble' to me.

What are you supposed to think of that? Whatever you want to! You really don't have to think about it at all, you know. You can just take the hiatus and let work take care of itself for a while. :)

I can understand about being bored too, but being bored does not give me anxiety. What about boredom gives you anxiety, do you think? I personally hate boredom because my mind craves something to keep it occupied, I suppose. I don't like being told to relax either...or how about this one: "Just calm down!" :eyebrow:...ugh!

Listless and apathetic....sounds a little safer to me than racing thoughts, self-abuse and despair. I am sure its not exactly thrilling? But I think it could be a whole lot worse. Have you changed anything about the meds, the Seroquel and the Neurontin?

Sorry we all missed you today...I hope you come back soon when one of us is online! Wishing you all the best, and waiting along with you until Sept. 11th...and then we want a report!

Sky81
08-29-07, 06:54 PM
I've kept my medication the same.....the only thing that changed was that I was away from work. There wasn't anything to be frustrated or mad at myself about.....although sitting in a car for six hours wasn't a picnic.......and neither was being told by my relatives that I'm a workaholic and I don't know how to have fun.....

The funny thing is that I actually have 14 vacation days left (after my trip). So if I needed a break I could take it and still get paid, but I have a feeling that come December I'll still have ten days left and end up losing yet another two weeks of vacation time....

This is what I mean about boredom being scary....so scary in fact that I need to work seven days a week and sometimes I've been known to pick up a night job (like bartending) too, not because I need the money really....I make a very decent salary....but I hate doing nothing...I hate not having structure to my day.....If I'm in a funk I can occupy my time by sleeping.....but when I'm not in a funk and I'm not manic (when I'm the simplest of things is fascinating)....boredom is scary.......

My skin crawls and I feel the urge to get up and move, to do something, anything, then again I don't actually want to do anything.......it creates this internal restlesness that makes my hands shake and my heart race......I guess that's anxiety.....

So anyway....I'm not taking a hiatus for that reason.....I will fall apart if I do.....

Crazy~Feet
08-29-07, 07:02 PM
You sound a lot like my dad in a way. When I was Dxed with ADHD, the first thing he said was "If its genetic, it comes from me!" He could never be still or get bored either. He was a major workaholic.

He just retired a couple of months ago and moved to Myrtle Beach. I am sure that he has some golfing to do and he's fine for now, but I wonder...what is he going to do when that becomes boring and he has no job to go back to?

Is it like that? My father is the Hyperactive type, being still for too long seems to cause him something like pain. Is it that way for you, too? Have you ever checked the criteria for the subtypes of ADHD? It might not be anxiety at all...it might be hyperactivity. Just a thought, and I wouldn't know, since I am Inattentive. I never move. I am a slug...:faint:

Sky81
08-29-07, 08:23 PM
Well I can sit still long enough to become an expert on linoleic acid's role in the epidermis, and I can sit still long enough to become an expert on retinoid signaling.......I could sit still during a graduate level physical chemistry class and actually understand exactly how those eigen functions work.....

But when it comes to having nothing to obsess over or figure out.....I can't sit still....but it's more of an internal thing....

Once I started reading a little bit about ADHD I noticed that the way I always move in some way...like I can be sitting still but my foot is tapping or my thumb is flicking something on whatever it is I'm holding.....

Maybe it's not anxiey, more like restlessness.....I feel like I should be doing something....other times I can sit perfectly still if I'm reading something interesting......

I couldn't imagine retiring....In a grim way I kinda hope I die before I have to retire.....

I've been working since I was 13, I can't imagine not having a job.......

I wasn't hyperactive as a kid (that I remember), I was just plain weird....so weird that they told my parents that I didn't just have ADHD......I was possibly autistic (not talking until I was four was probaby odd to them, but my dad was a really late talker too).....

And my Dad is just plain weird as an adult, no doubt I've inherited at least some of his weirdness, but I like to think I keep a much cleaner house, and I'm in better control of my finances and I'm not quite as eccentric.....the therapist that my sister and I see swears he sounds like he has Aspergers....

Nothing was ever brought up after they told my parents I had some "problems." I was smart enough in school to get by (sort of)....once the teachers would start calling my parents....I changed schools......so I never was evaluated when I was older, and I just got labeled as a troublemaker.....

My parents were kinda in denial or something....or busy worrying about my sister's latest tantrum and the TV she broke in a fit of rage......so I guess "the squeeky wheel get's the oil"....I didn't break stuff so I was okay.....

I asked my father recently what they said was wrong with me when I was little, and he said that there was nothing wrong with me and I was just like him, smart, but a little "out there"....gulp......

I asked specifically what they said when I was evaluated when I was five after kindergarden didn't work out, and he said he didn't remember, and it was just a bunch of bull**** anyway.....and that it didn't matter because I graduated college and went to graduate school......so much for getting info out of him......

Crazy~Feet
08-29-07, 08:56 PM
Don't ya just hate that? I hate it when my parents respond like that...or I should qualify that, when my mother responds like that :rolleyes:. Back in my day there was no such thing as Inattentive ADHD, any ADHD was hyperactive, usually among boys, and the child was always expected to outgrow that.

:eyebrow:...ok....That meant I was weird too. Also lazy, unmotivated, irrational....etc etc. Whatever! When I told my mother I had been Dxed, her reply was "Well they say that happens a lot among the highly intelligent you know...."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! :mad:

Big difference from my dad's reply huh? Good grief. The funny thing is that my mother is kind of lazy, unmotivated and irrational...not to mention very moody, and sometimes she cleans all day and into the night, making up for the rest of the time when she just...oh, I don't know, procrastinated maybe? Or maybe while she read a good book cover-to-cover in less than 2 days? Then again, she had those times when she would hole up in her room, in bed, for days at a time, leaving me to care for my little brother by myself (because of course my father was working). Sounds really familiar to me from where I am standing today, but she really does not see it. Odd how she has been on Paxil for like 15 years and never seems to get any better...:eyebrow:

All that foot-tapping, fidgeting, focusing on what is interesting with complete attention, even managing to "get by" in school (although I'd be willing to bet it was by no means always easy, right?) sounds like your standard ADHD situation, to me. The not talking until age 4 does not sound like ADHD however, and you are very perceptive to be concerned about that. As a parent, I would have been very concerned had one of my children exhibited a developmental delay like that. That really does sound reminiscent of autistic spectrum criteria to me, of course I could not make any assumptions either.

Asperger's Syndrome, for example, in no way rules out co-morbid conditions, or intelligence and ability to become educated. I know a few Aspies (as they call themselves) myself. Very staunch friends, wildly hilarious at times, very interesting hobbies, brilliant at what it is they choose to gain knowledge about...and yep, a little of what you might call "just plain weird". I love them. Great people, they always make me think.

Then again, I come up pretty high on the AS sale myself, not enough to qualify for the Dx, but very very close to that line. I exhibit some of the Asperger qualities so clearly that for a while, I was quite confused as to whether I had ADHD or AS myself. I also have a friend who fits this exact same scenario, differing from me a bit because he is just a different person, but the same...close to a very fine line. I love him to bits!

Weird is all relative, true, but sometimes weird means something too. I think you are very wise to want to know what your own personal weirdness might possibly mean and I would gladly support any decision you made to investigate what else might factor into your personal equation.

Scattered
08-29-07, 09:17 PM
Hey Sky,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I was wondering if you'd ever read An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamison. She's a professor of psychiatry at John Hopkind Univeristy and a leading expert in Manic Depressive Illness. The book is her autobiography. If you haven't read it, I'd encourage you to take a look at it. She sounds very much like you -- brilliant scientist who started having major mood problems after she graduated. She made it though some very tough times and has been a brilliant success in her career. You can too. Get whatever support you need to get through this -- it's pretty hard to self harm with people who care about you hanging around. Be honest about needing the help until you can get your meds adjusted and life back on track.

Hang in there!

Sky81
08-29-07, 09:54 PM
Funny thing about the not talking issue.....I apparantly didn't talk at all until I was four, and then I started reciting one of my childrens books word for word, one night before my mom even opened it to read it to me.....my dad wasn't concerend because he didn't talk until he was about the same age.....once I started talking it came out in paragraphs....and, like my dad, I was a precosious reader....so I could read before I started kindergarden...maybe even before I began talking....not sure...

So whatever runs on my dad's side of the family I have some of it no doubt....although it's not comforting that he spent half of his twenties in institutions and his uncle and father both commited suicide......even my cousins on his side were affected....a few of them had learning disabilities and I know two take ADHD meds......and my dear little sister is BPI, and just recently stabilized......

I was kinda hoping that when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder that everything would make sense.....it did explain the spending sprees, reckless driving, and made me make some overall bad decsions....and it explained how I could go days without sleep in college.....and it explained the funks.....

But it didn't explain everyting......like why I have the attention span of a ferret on meth....all the time.....

Crazy~Feet
08-29-07, 10:01 PM
Do you plan to do more searching? Not everybody is like me, of course, but I practically worship information. When it came to my "disorder soup" I think I researched so much that I came dangerously close to reaching the end of the www. :o

We can always see what the Autistic Spectrum section here in Co-Ex has to say about it. Or I might be able to get one of my Aspie buddies to write me something up...he likes to do that type of thing and he likes to help. I really need to drag him in here one day. ;)