View Full Version : Why is no longer a necessary question


Spongedaddy
08-25-07, 07:43 AM
Yesterday was one of the worst days yet. I was up in the morning, down in the afternoon (slept most of the afternoon) and then after 8PM so up that my mind wouldn't let me settle down until 2AM (and I am usually asleep by 10PM) and woke me up at 7AM. I started to ask myself the why question. Why is this happening to me? Instantly it came to me that it doesn't matter why in this case. Sure it might matter if there are genetic reasons that are found and help, but not why this is happening to me. I suppose some good news for me is that even as my condition has intensified it has not taken away some of the progress I have made on spiritual fronts.

Just felt like posting that as I trod through the fire....it's almost Thursdya...

Thanks for reading.

sloppitty-sue
08-25-07, 12:10 PM
I suppose some good news for me is that even as my condition has intensified it has not taken away some of the progress I have made on spiritual fronts.



Kudos to you!! That is no small feat in my book.

Sue

Lafnalot
08-25-07, 01:28 PM
Thanks for continuing to share your walk with us. I get alot out of reading others works, climbed mountains, fears etc.

Crazy~Feet
08-25-07, 04:24 PM
"Y" is nothing but a crooked letter, buddy :( and it takes you to a crooked path, leading nowhere. Glad to hear that you resisted it's charms!

Your spiritual progress is something to be mighty proud of. You get to own that forever.

And by the way...did you get to watch Shippuuden yet? I posted in your last thread, but don't know if you have seen it yet. I always wonder about you and how you are when I think of that show. :)

Spongedaddy
08-25-07, 05:06 PM
"Y" is nothing but a crooked letter, buddy :( and it takes you to a crooked path, leading nowhere. Glad to hear that you resisted it's charms!

Your spiritual progress is something to be mighty proud of. You get to own that forever.

And by the way...did you get to watch Shippuuden yet? I posted in your last thread, but don't know if you have seen it yet. I always wonder about you and how you are when I think of that show. :)

Thanks. I am experiencing some of that old time h-mania, but managed to sit through episode 26. I liked it a lot and it had an excellent ending. I am glad they are finally moving that battle along to the end.

I am hanging on but it is difficult. I think the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane is knowing it's the condition and not me.

I hope you are doing well.

Crazy~Feet
08-25-07, 06:38 PM
I am doing well and thank you very much for asking. :)

Just remember that I am here for you, and that we are all here for one another. I appreciate sincerely that you acknowledged that I may have problems of my own.

Hypomania does make it hard to sit still, doesn't it? Episodes that don't move quickly enough for us make it hard to sit still, too. ;)

Glad to hear from you, and talk all you need to! Thursday is coming! I'd like to hear how that goes, very much.

Spongedaddy
08-26-07, 10:23 AM
Full blown H-mania this morning. I was convinced I needed a Wii even though I would have to sell things to afford one, don't need it and a few other reasons. I had been fighting these urges, but this morning I jumped in the car and drove to Target. I had the shakes because of how strong the impulsive feeling was. I then began thinking that if I sold my 360 and kept the Wii I would be a better person for playing less violent games...look at the case my mind was building. I got to the store and was very aware that I was the mayor of my own crazy town and this is exactly how I felt every time I did something harmful to myself. I got to the case with the Wiis and the ******* clerk wouldn't leave me alone. Somehow I managed to walk away and managed to make it back to my car and drove to Walmart. I purchased two discount DVDs and went home.

I don't know how I made it through this morning without buying one, but I am grateful. If I had gotten it I would have impulsively returned it after the guilt set in. I am still burning and on mania fire, but I avoided anything bad for now.

Thanks for reading.

Crazy~Feet
08-26-07, 05:20 PM
Awwwww Sponge :( you are really going through the proverbial shredder these last few days, aren't you? Its really a credit to your strength of will and your knowledge that this is nothing you do to yourself on purpose that you managed to back down a strong impulsive urge to spend like that!! I for one am very proud of you.

You really did avoid doing anything tragic, you know. I have similar issues when hypomanic, although the impulse to spend beyond my means seldom factors into my own hypomanias. I have to admit, however, that those are the times when I cave in and buy piddling little items that I probably do not need very much, if at all. You got DVDs and I tend to buy...digital scrapbooking supplies :o.

The worst thing about my making those purchases is that later, I have a good look at the things I bought and am fairly unimpressed by them. I was seriously determined to make a few scrapbook pages last night, and I went through every kit I had, including those that I impulsively acquired during my last serious hypomania...and I still couldn't find what I really needed. Ugh!

However you made it thought this morning...does that really matter, or does the end result matter more in the end? If you could accurately identify what exactly helped you to rein in that impulse it might help you in the future, but please give yourself a break, too. Today, right now, what matters is the bottom line, isn't it? I tend to think it is.

You are struggling to cope with an illness that can swallow us whole before we know it. We may not even realize we are cycling at all! You did realize. You did the very best you could to manage without medications or helpful support. You did well!!

And then you came here and laid it out for future members to see and possibly learn from themselves, and for those of us who have been there before to recognize and offer you our support. That's a brave thing to do, indeed.

No thanks needed for reading. ;) I do wonder how you are holding up and I know that Hope does too, among others.

5 more days until the appt. man! Hang on and keep talking whenever it seems to help.

Spongedaddy
08-26-07, 09:48 PM
The urges calmed down, but didn't go away. I wound up buying a game for myself (something I had wanted for a while), Leggo for the kids and an Elvis 1968 Comeback Special DVD for the Mrs. I wound up avoiding the huge price tag though so I am happy.

I was sitting in the car prior to going into Target and awareness filled me. I could see what I was doing, knew the feelings were the same and somehow managed to create space by physically removing myself from the store. What has helped me a lot in this area is reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. It was like finding a big piece of a large puzzle.

I am still going through the shredder, so to speak, but am hanging on for Thursday. I have heard a lot of people talk about their fear of meds zapping their creativity and for me it is the opposite. This condition has killed my creativity and meds that will help even me out will allow it to flow.

Crazy~Feet
08-26-07, 10:13 PM
That business about meds sapping creativity works my nerves until I am down to one :rolleyes: know what I mean? I posted this somewhere, about how before I got medicated, I had a high degree of productivity...yea DUH maybe because I had to do something, anything, with thoughts moving that fast! So yea, I had loads of ideas and cranked the work out...and now I look back at those works and think: this stuff isn't anywhere as cool as I thought it was at the time. And it really isn't.

My work now is better for all the focus and lack of racing thoughts, in the end. I think you will find the same is true for you. How great can it be to create when you cannot control yourself? I mean how can the symptoms of bipolar be an assistance to better art? I am sure that many if not all of us may have thought so at the time...but I tend to think that we have discovered that creativity is ours to keep, forever, meds notwithstanding.

Spongedaddy
08-27-07, 06:22 AM
I think people have associated creativity with crazy. They think of people like Hemmingway and Plath and set the bar there. It's funny because the truth is that creativity always wants to spring foth from us, but more often then not it's the craziness inside many of us right now that keeps it down. In cases like ours that madness is simply amplified. How many people stifle their creativity because they don't have "the time" or are too miserable at the end of the day after working at a job they don't want to. I agree with you 100%. The quieter we can get inside, the more creativity can flow from us.

Crazy~Feet
08-27-07, 06:50 AM
What I know is this:

That's how it worked for me. :)

Have I told you I made up a game?? 6 Degrees to Naruto :D. Perfect stuff for a mind that can connect everything to anything at all, and by that I mean ADHD. I never really can connect much when hypomanic. I always feel like all these thoughts that are racing by have JUST GOT to be great stuff...and so I chase them...and I seldom if ever catch them. If I do catch one? Its not that great at all.

busyhermit
08-27-07, 08:58 AM
It's funny because the truth is that creativity always wants to spring foth from us, but more often then not it's the craziness inside many of us right now that keeps it down. In cases like ours that madness is simply amplified. How many people stifle their creativity because they don't have "the time" or are too miserable at the end of the day after working at a job they don't want to. I agree with you 100%. The quieter we can get inside, the more creativity can flow from us.
So true! That never-ending stream of Need-To-Do-Right-Now's...means recreational creativity is out of the question! I did use to get the urge, at times...but with no patience, and so many other things to do, I'd think "where in the world are my paints, anyway"........eh-too much to go look for them, forget it, move on. However, unconsciously desperate for a creative outlet, I've spent years and years finding ways to be creative in my work and at other activities that I could personally accept as useful - one example, being the family "keeper of the photo record" - taking pictures, editing, creating DVD productions.........repairing and restoring photos for family and others. Creativity for it's own sake, means it does not necessarily have to be "useful" but ......perhaps just beautiful and emotional. I'd forgotten that that has value.

justhope
08-27-07, 11:00 AM
Hey Sponge...sorry I missed you yesterday...happy to see CF was here ...

Wow I am impressed with you. Seriously. Your ability to get a rein on this without meds is astounding. I can't imagine how well you are going to do leveled on meds. I am so excited for you. I can say you are proof in the pudding that becoming educated, getting support and becoming self aware is a huge part of the battle of winning the war with this disease.

I struggle with the same spending issues. Ergo buying the house and the new car within the same month...geez..I am still digging out. And like you, now I get trapped by small things that won't lead me not eating for a week....but when the big vortex comes to suck me in..it rarely wins now.


And I totally agree with CF. Meds don't destroy your creativity.
Creativity is something you are born with. I believe it's totally seperate from BP, ..I believe the symptoms of BP drives it....to new levels sometimes. Ridiculous ....raving lunatic levels...but it didn't create it. And getting the BP in check, doesn't destroy it either.

I was worried about this too. I love to write...and I thought here we go I will never write again. I still do.

I am just as creative. I just don't do it from 1pm to 9am in the morning the same day. I don't let my kids starve, let my trash overflow on the floor , let me housework pile to the ceiling, let my answering machine get full, get cut off notices for utilities...yada yada...you see where I am going.

In fact, now the quality of my work is better.
The drive to be creative is there. However, it's a normal drive. It's not the dark obsessive side....

Now I enjoy it when I feel like doing something creative. I like the way it ebbs and flows and I can walk away and come back. Then I know it's me. I know it's mine...and not some symptom of a disease I often loathe.
I am comforted to know this gift was something given to me, as a person. Not some trickery associated with being Bipolar.

Hang in there Sponge! 4 days an counting...you have done very well!

Hope :)