View Full Version : One more %$#@#$# day!

08-29-07, 04:35 PM
Well tomorrow I go to the PDoc. I have three weeks worth of mood journal ready, I am more aware of what's going on within me then ever before and I have mostly surrendered to the fact that there is something going on inside of me. I didn't think I would make it, but here I am. It's funny I have suffered most of my life from the up/down syndrome, but someone *cough MOTHER cough* had convinced me that it was just me...a bad person...of course it was easy for my mind to take over and build a great case around that. My mind is still trying to trick me about tomorrow, but I know better.

It's still somewhat hard to say, but I need help. Three days ago I was as jacked up as can be and ready to spend money left and right. I am amazed that I spent as little as I did. I was driven, just driven...and on top of that scattered as can be and felt so hyper like I was coming out of my own skin. Yesterday I was depressed and feeling hopeless. This is no way to live.

One more %$#@#$# day. Thanks for all the inspiration and support around here and letting me vent.

08-29-07, 04:51 PM
Hey Spongedaddy,

As far as that person who had you convinced that you were a bad person.... Well, a wise therapist told me once that most people most of the time are doing the best they can under the circumstances. Sometimes external and sometimes internal factors can make life a lot harder. Either way, it doesn't add up to you being bad. I think it takes courage to realize when things are getting out of balance and that you need a little help to get them back in balance.

I hope things go well for you at the Pdoc's tomorrow. Let us know.

08-29-07, 05:58 PM
Hey Spongedaddy,

As far as that person who had you convinced that you were a bad person.... Well, a wise therapist told me once that most people most of the time are doing the best they can under the circumstances. Sometimes external and sometimes internal factors can make life a lot harder. Either way, it doesn't add up to you being bad. I think it takes courage to realize when things are getting out of balance and that you need a little help to get them back in balance.

I hope things go well for you at the Pdoc's tomorrow. Let us know.
I strongly suspect my mom is BiPolar. The last time we talked she started telling me how we shouldn't be angry with one another and ended up calling me a sociopath. I now know there is nothing personal in what she has said, although it seems personal. It is just her files/programming going to town. I do not speak with her any more because she is too viscious with her attacks. However if she ever became aware and was able to deal with what's inside of her I would be happy to build a relationship with her.

08-29-07, 06:34 PM
I was wondering where you were, Sponge! One more day until the doctor! WOOT!!! Vent away, man, vent away...sometimes it seems to be harder to wait out the last 24 hours for something you have been looking forward too, huh? You really kept it up with the mood journal too, and that's going to make things go a whole lot smoother tomorrow for you, I'll bet.

We've talked about moms before, you and I, and I think its a healthy attitude you have about the whole thing. You are willing to accept her for what she is, whether she gets help or not, and still make a healthy choice that is in your own best interest. Not everybody can do that :).

Will you be able to stop in after your appt. and tell us how it went? I know I'd love to hear about it, but if you don't want to or don't have time, that's ok too.

Its going to be Thursday tomorrow after if you are busy, I'll totally understand...I'll be busy myself for a while too, ya know...:D...say it with me:

THURSDAY IS SHIPPUUDEN NIGHT!! (cue nobodyknows+ playing "Hero's Come Back") :p Heeheehee...

Hey by any chance have you checked your thread in Chit-Chat recently? I think its 3 pages long now, maybe more, and not all of it is from me either :eek: astonishing, right? That was a great idea you had, and we are slowly getting converts now. YATTA!

Long Live the Otaku of ADDF....and bless the ADDF Cycling Team!

08-30-07, 02:10 PM
I will pop by at some point. The anticipation is throwing me over the edge, but I'll be cool.

08-30-07, 04:53 PM
Well I went and he gave me Lamictal. He said it was Bipolar II and thought the Lamictal would help. He told me if I start developing a rash to call right away. He gave me a 35 day pack that starts at 25 and ends at 100. He said once we get the mood stable we can see if that helps the focus/adhd issues or if we need to treat that seperate. He also suggested starting therapy to help me deal with everything going on.

I have a headache, but I am glad I went. I start the Lamictal tonight. I don't know why, but I am very nervous. I was brutally honest about my history, highs and lows.

Thanks for the support guys. For some reason I feel very nervous right now, but somewhat relieved.

08-30-07, 05:06 PM
That's good news though, right, Sponge? You were honest, got a definitive DX and some meds to at least try. That's the same starter pack I got, and I felt a change very soon after starting. :)

Thanks for letting us know how it went and please keep us posted as you go along with the Lamictal, or anything else he wants to add or change or...well, tell us whatever you want to!

So sorry you have a headache :( boooooo! Will you be able to watch the show tonight or will you need to lay down and rest? It can always hold for a while, and I promise not to give up any spoilers, ok? :D

08-30-07, 05:11 PM

TOOT TOOT , all aboard!

One down...50,000,000 more to go!

That is the same thing I started with...I think all of us. That lovely starter pack!
I can tell able to tell a difference by the second week of the 50mg. That's not long! You can do it! Yipee....

I had zero side effects Spongey!
Well except I took mine at night at first to avoid side effects ,and it caused me one....sooooooooooo tired. But switching them to morning...and voila!..not 1 issue since....Can't wait to hear more about it. Happy you made it buddy!

Keep venting....keep journaling....hang in are gonna make it!

Hope :)

08-30-07, 05:22 PM
Here's a bit on rapid-cycling, Sponge. I believe that a goal of treatment is to cease rapid-cycling, although its known that even medicated bipolars can and do cycle a couple times a year in spite of excellent treatment.

What is rapid cycling?

Rapid cycling is defined as four or more manic, hypomanic, or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. With rapid cycling, mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again, and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours. The person feels like he or she is on a roller coaster, with mood and energy changes that are out-of control and disabling. In some individuals, rapid cycling is characterized by severe irritability, anger, impulsivity, and uncontrollable outbursts. While the term “rapid cycling” may make it sound as if the episodes occur in regular cycles, episodes actually often follow a random pattern. Some patients with rapid cycling appear to experience true manic, mild manic, or depressive episodes that last only for a day. If there are four mood episodes within a month, it is called ultra-rapid cycling, and when several mood switches occur within a day, on several days during one week, it is called ultra-ultra-rapid, or ultradian cycling. Typically, however, someone who experiences such short mood swings has longer episodes as well. Some individuals experience rapid cycling at the beginning of their illness, but for the majority, rapid cycling begins gradually. Most individuals with bipolar disorder, in fact, experience shorter and more frequent episodes over time if their illness is not adequately treated. For most people, rapid cycling is a temporary occurrence. They may experience rapid cycling for a time, then return to a pattern of longer, less frequent episodes, or, in the best case, return to a stabilized mood with the help of treatment. A small number of individuals continue in a rapid cycling pattern indefinitely.

Was the doctor able to determine your current cycling pattern from your mood journal? The portion I underlined is how its gone for me so far.

08-30-07, 05:51 PM
No. I think he wanted to get me started and help the symptoms first. He said he was more interested in getting things stable and then worrying about everything else. I guess we will see what happens down the road. I just took my first pill and I am off to the bookstore to get either the Disorder Survival Guide or Bipolar Handbook. Both those books seemed like good material.

08-30-07, 06:08 PM
Maybe I'll see ya later then, unless its during the post-download hour of course ;).

08-30-07, 07:26 PM
I went to Barnes and Noble to look for the Bipolar Handbook. They said it was in-stock, but I didn't see it. I had to go and ask at the information desk and the woman had to go in the back to get it. I felt a bit of embarassment and acceptance all at the same time. My mind is flipping out on both sides of the case. I just need to give this some space internally and allow acceptance and awareness to grow.

08-30-07, 07:30 PM
Sure ya do Sponge! Be easy on yourself ok? :)

08-30-07, 09:54 PM
I think it's pretty normal to feel a little nervous when you start a new treatment plan. I hope this really improves things for you.

Take care!

08-31-07, 08:12 AM
Morning Spongey!

So how was the first official night of meds? Are you having fun yet?

Hope your day is good!

I am happy it's Friday! And it's a 3 day weekend! Yipee

I smell barbeque!

08-31-07, 08:15 AM
I am mostly okay. I feel a little bit of that old mania kicking in, so I am trying to be aware. I have been slightly paranoid about rashes though :-0. It's funny, but my dusdaun for meds has lessened greatly. I would still prefer to be pharm. free, but given the choice I will go with not burning all the time. We will see what today brings.

Thanks for the love and support everyone it is very nice.

08-31-07, 09:19 AM
Hey - Just curious...I am really feeling some mania kick in. Is this normal?

08-31-07, 02:20 PM
While Lamictal is one of the quickest acting meds for BP out there, it is still a blood level med. You most likely won't see the beginning stages of the benefits for a week or so.

Like you I was on the starter pack. I started on 25mg 2 weeks, then 50mg for 2 weeks, 75mg for one week, then up to the 100mg by the 6th week.

For me, it was in the second week of the 50mg that I started feeling the benefits...I didn't even feel different...I just noticed that some of the things going on around me were generally things that aggravated the crap out of me and it wasn't. My sleeping started to improve as well.

That was the first sign....then it was little improvements from there on out.

NO worries, it doesn't mean it's not hasn't built enough of a level yet.

You are just being the "normal" you.


08-31-07, 02:46 PM
Hey Sponge! I'd have to say that, for me, what was alleviated first was depression and that the stability between depression and mania came later using Lamictal. I felt a lift in my depression after only 3 days, at 25mgs, but YMMV of course. For me the difference was quite profound...when you have been having suicidal ideations regularly for many years, you tend to notice such a thing ;).

"The Rash" is a risk, true, and you are correct to remain alert for any sign of it. That's not paranoia, that's good old common sense! It does happen with some patients, but not all patients, as indicated by the experience of those of us here who manage to take higher and higher doses of Lamictal without it manifesting.

I currently take 300mgs of Lamictal and after several weeks at that dose, I am doing very well. It took me quite some time to sort out what was happening and what was needed to counteract that. It may take time for you too, so hang in there and we'll hang in there with you. Sound like a plan? :)

08-31-07, 03:21 PM
Thanks guys. I am in a bit of mania fog, but nothing unbearable.

08-31-07, 03:23 PM
I am happy to hear that you believe you can bear this newest bout with hypomania. I think you can do it, too!! :)

Posted in your other threads Sponge, mabe that will help to keep your mind busy, yet focused. :)

08-31-07, 03:52 PM
And if you get bored..head to Chit-Chat that seems to be a place BP's in mania....find quite useful! LOL :D