Let me start off by explaining my childs background:
At the age of 4 her Dad and I split up and eventually divorced. She had a really tough time with it, but eventually accepted that things were not going to change. Her Dad has ADHD and I have always thought that she has it as well. At the age of 7 I finally broke down and took her to a doctor, who diagnosed her with ADHD. Through out her life she has seen me depressed from divorce and stressed and aggrevated with her ADHD, and her lack of being able to focus and just be calm. When she was 7 I met a wonderful man whom I married two years ago. He knew about my daughter's ADHD and accepted the fact that I had a daughter from a previous marriage when he proposed. Now we are going on our second year of marriage and we are having major issues at home. He is not very supportive of my daughter and seems very annoyed by her hyperness. She walks in the room and he suddenly becomes very aggrevated. Lately all that comes out of his mouth is negative comments towards my daughter. We are having a tough time with her right now. Alot of it I am hoping is the age. She is going through alot of changes and having a difficult time making friends. Children seem to get very annoyed by her. She is just a different kind of kid. All of you who have an ADHD child, hopefully understand what I am saying. There are issues with lying, not being able to keep her room clean, not doing what she is told, and not able to follow directions. It almost seems like she just isn't all there. I have told my husband many times that all she hears from his mouth is negative comments. Children need to hear the positive as well. She is going to have some major issues the older she gets, if he doesn't stop. It is almost like he has made his mind up that she is going to be a complete failure and doesn't give her any chances. I need help! I dont know what to do, but I know that if things dont change my marriage is not going to last. Any step parents out there who are going through a similar situation?

Being such a little child with such a hostile (adult) stepfather is bad news.

This (adult?) male caregiver is too angry. Step-parents often have high rates of child abuse and rejection of the step-child.



In Nature, male rats will eat the babies of another male rat, actually. (They don't want to raise the babies of another male, and want to terminate his DNA competition.)

By being raised by a hostlie and rejecting male parent figure, your daughter is learning that this is "how men who love me act". She is at high risk of learning to choose male partners (when she grows up) who mistreat her and degrade her and put down her needs.

Since her boundaries (emotionally) and "value" are being ignored, she will be at risk of things like bullying by males (high risk for sexual bullying AKA teen pregnancy), and not being able to make good choices for herself in life.

Victims can't often protect their children either. It affects child bonding too, when a kid sees their mother being mistreated. The generations of misery go on and on.


Like that book title: Men who hate women and the women who love them"

By mistreating and (worse) being nonverbally cold with your small child, your husband is setting up a triangle which hurts YOU too.

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Print up your post and show it to a Social Worker or your Family Doctor.

ADD children cannot do what they are told because they can't REMEMBER what they have heard.

They have poor auditory (ear) memory.

It is strange how people get angry at ADD people for this disability, but the same people do not get ANGRY with Deaf People for not hearing things.

I am not totally convinced that he believes her actions are a result of her ADHD. He believes she chooses to do wrong and thinks she needs major discipline. Says I give her too many chances. But I feel guilty sometimes for getting on to her for not doing things the way she should, when I know she cannot help it. I have tried sending him articles on ADHD and post from this site to show him that it is real and that there are parents out there going through the same issues that we are. But I dont think he reads them.

She is FOUR years old. LOL

ADD affects Executive Function in the brain. This affects planning and organization and working memory (and learning too, to an extent).

These are pretty ADULT expectations of a four year old. A toddler/preschooler can't clean their own room and stay on task.

They aren't misbehaving on purpose to tick off your husband. (Sounds a bit paranoid, almost. A child just can't plan and be that Machiavellian and manipulative. I think he is the one trying to be manipulative by blaming your preschooler for the problems.)

I once read that most chid abuse happens b/c uneducated and development-stage ignorant parents OVEREXPECT what their kid can do at the age they are at.

Kids don't understand TRAFFIC well enough to cross a street or play in a parking lot (safely) until about age 8. That is grade 3. They might not even understand death (as a concept) at age 6-8.

For example: they may be mad that their four year old kid can't tie their shoes.

Some kids don't get the Fine motor development to tie shoes until they are 6 (or maybe older).

A four year old (normal) cannot stay "on task" long enough to clean their entire room. A normal four year old has the attention span of... well, not very long. LOL

Add to that the fact that ADD is an "organizational disability". Why SHOULD SHE be able to "clean her room".

It's ridiculous, ofcourse.

To ascribe a "motive" to your child "choosing" to not complete tasks is kind of creepy.

It is like he is viewing her as a miniature adult.

What a cold man.

NB if you have given your four year old (4. y. o.) "too many chances" [as he says], what are you supposed to do next?

A four year old can't understand "in one hour" or "tomorrow", let alone what being "grounded" is about.

I think you really need some professional advice here. This is way more than ADD.

Personally, I would not tolerate a person treating my child like this -- esp. if she were disabled. (Better to be poor, hah.)

My own mother married cold, rejecting and narcisstic men. A social worker told me once that this is a pattern that women can repeat. (esp. if they grew up with it in a core family.)

I really hope you and your little girl can somehow figure something out, or get him to a counsellor before too much damage is done.

maybe i did not explain well, she is 10 years old now.