My question is has anyone heard of and used behavioural contracts and do they work.

My problem being my husband is not ADD and two of my children and myself are. My son and husband have been constantly at each other's throats lately. As a lot of you may know from my survey my son is being verbally and physically abused at school, he doesn't need it when he comes home too.

My husband has been making snide remarks lately to my son about everything from his grades to his sensitivity; constantly telling him to just "suck it up and act like a man" WTF does a 10 year old know about being a man and how is he supposed to learn with this kind of example? What is so wrong about a man being sensitive to his own needs as well as others. NOT A DARN THING!!!!!

Dakota's grades have dropped from straight A's in advanced classes to F's. And my husband can't seem to realize that alot of this problem comes from home. He say's I coddle "the boy" too much. "The boy"? when did he lose his identity? I have tried time and again to tell my husband that he is verbally abusing our son, the problem being that his father talked to him like this and he is a better man for it ( yeah!! my ***). I don't know I feel like soon I'm going to be forced to choose between the child I gave birth to and the man I love; I'm gonna miss the big jerk but my kid's have to come first.

My son is a kind, considerate, funny lol OK he's just about perfect little boy and my husband he honestly is a good man; he works such long hours, and is so good to the kids normally. I just honestly think that if they stopped for two seconds and looked at each other that they would realize how much alike they are and how much they have in common and how much they could teach each other. But, they are constantly hurting each other hurling words back and forth (which to me is the most dangerous weapon of all).

I catch my husband alot just sitting in Koda's room looking at his walls (which he painted with cute little lyrics "my dad hates me, my dad is mean to me") and I know this breaks his heart. I know they want to find each other again but don't know how. I don't know about other ADD'ers but I seem to be more intune with others feelings then my own most the time. And all I feel when they are near each other is pain not the anger they are showing. But, how do you get two very stubborn men to sit down and talk without the use of rope and the threat of torture? And YES we are doing the therapy thing but this never comes up and if I bring it up they both just stop talking.

This is just tearing me apart I can't stand the thought of having to choose and I honestly think that they would be able to get past this if I could just get them to shut up and think about what they are saying and how it is gonna make the other feel BEFORE they actually say it.

So, yeah I'm rambling I do that when I'm frustrated. SORRY!!! Not being a man myself,would any men be open to trying this and do you honestly think it could work. Because, they are both good guy's and have so much to offer each other and Doug really is a good man and can set a good example for Dakota but Dakota not likely to follow if he feels attacked and Doug is not likely to lead if he feels unappreciated?(sorry, can't find the right word).

Any ideas on how to implement a behavioural contract which would benefit the entire family as i'm not the easiest person to live with either i'm sure. Thanks, Cherity

I know I sound harsh and make my husband sound like a complete donkey butt; but, he is an a adult. He just has trouble saying "hey that hurt". So, instead of showing weakness or pain as many men do he responds with anger. I'm starting to really dread the teen years if this isn't fixed soon.

Ow.

This hits home to me in many ways.

I think my wife is too lenient on our boy as well... she thinks I am too harsh on him. We are trying to achieve compromise, I am willing to hear what she has to say and try her approaches as well, but there are times when I simply believe she is wrong...

As for behavioural contracts... I think they can work if you hold up your OWN end of the bargain as well, and consistently. (This is why they haven't worked for me. ... :( )

What would your husband do if you printed the above post out and asked him to read it?

I know alot of our problem's come from the kid's ability to divide and conquere us. Our communication skills seem to be slipping lately. Which has alot to do with the new baby, nobody is getting much sleep and lately I have felt attacked when we disagree; but, I have finally been able to tell him and we are working on that one too ( we call it a tactical retreat lol ).

Doug is the only one in our household who does not have ADD. So, he tends to find us a little on the irritating side *smiles. He sees a problem and just attacks it head on. While I step back and look at it from all angles and figure the easiest way around it or will just ignore it all together.

While I do believe the children need structure and persistance; I don't think we should forget the fact that they are kid's. And there is a better way to correct bad behaviour's then screaming and making it sound like the child is bad and not the behaviour. I know I'm overprotective and as my husband puts it "need to cut the apron strings" in my head but my heart says something completly different.

So, yes we need to regroup and figure out how we are going to work as a team instead of against each other. Otherwise, I don't see us surviving the teen years with our sanity intact. And no I won't be showing this post to Doug, I'll tell him some about it but I was a little too harsh on the big guy and don't want to hurt his feeling's.

Today, is the first day we implemented our contract with our son and daughter as well as with each other. And ummmm ya know I have found there is one word not in the average ADD'ers vocabulary PERSISTANCE lol. But, we'll get the hang of it I"m sure.