View Full Version : Does it get worse before it gets better?


busyhermit
09-10-07, 08:48 PM
OK, so I don't even know where to post this, but I'm starting to feel too sick (as in MENTALLY ILL) to start a new thread in the regular ADD forums. I don't even know why I'm posting except that I'm really depressed and have no one to talk to about it. I keep waiting to get back to "normal" - blaming my mood swings and agitation on that reaction I had to the effexor and zoloft. But it's been like 3-4 weeks - I can't remember what "normal" felt like, but this ain't it. I know for sure I didn't cry and fly off the freaking wall like I do now. And I can't seem to stop all these weird movements ...and I don't how to describe that, except that it's compulsive.... and weird.

I'm starting to wonder if I feel this way because of all this "getting in touch" w/crap I've been doing. I guess that would introduce more anxiety, right? After all, my natural state is to avoid thinking of unpleasant things at all costs. I've turned the tables on myself, and boy do I feel screwed up.

I have a pdoc appt tomorrow and a therapist appt wed, and I have that desperate "hanging on til then" feeling. As if that hour of talking about something or other is going to make my next week any more tolerable. But it might. I don't know. I have to hold on to something. drowning. even thought of alcohol once or twice today. scared the crap out of me. I used to pray when that happened and I can't even do that anymore.

D***, this just sucks.

MonkeyK
09-10-07, 09:13 PM
Sounds like me comming off of paxil. Anxiety beyond compare (lasted for months)... it was worse than the depression/anxiety that led me to the paxil in the first place.
Fortunately my wife is an incredibly compassionate person and put up with me sending multiple daily messages about how I was flipping out. She would try to help me get away from the situation.

It could get worse. It will get better.

Crazy~Feet
09-10-07, 09:47 PM
Its OK to post it here Hermit. You can keep on posting as long as it helps.

"Normal" is sort of a relative term. Maybe its a good idea to shoot for "improvement over how I feel now"?

I'm starting to wonder if I feel this way because of all this "getting in touch" w/crap I've been doing. I guess that would introduce more anxiety, right?
That's a thought. Its not outside the realm of possiblity, IMO. In my experience with therapy (and man, have I had a lot of therapy!), especially in the beginning, or when "getting in touch" with past painful experiences, or heck, almost anything that has not been processed fully or in a healthy manner...I'd have to say that, yes, things do seem to get worse before they get better. I think this is because the entire process of "getting in touch" requires us to look at things that were too painful to deal with the first time around, and now not only do we experience the pain we didn't deal with then, we have new pain and grief about them. Its like the manner of treating deep burns, in a way. Taking off the damaged parts hurts like mad, but its the only way to heal in the long run. Without that necessary pain, true healing cannot take place.

I am really sorry to hear that you are in such a place today :( I am still hoping for so much better to come your way.

busyhermit
09-10-07, 10:49 PM
Thanks C~F,

That's a thought. Its not outside the realm of possiblity, IMO. In my experience with therapy (and man, have I had a lot of therapy!), especially in the beginning, or when "getting in touch" with past painful experiences, or heck, almost anything that has not been processed fully or in a healthy manner...I'd have to say that, yes, things do seem to get worse before they get better. I think this is because the entire process of "getting in touch" requires us to look at things that were too painful to deal with the first time around, and now not only do we experience the pain we didn't deal with then, we have new pain and grief about them. Its like the manner of treating deep burns, in a way. Taking off the damaged parts hurts like mad, but its the only way to heal in the long run. Without that necessary pain, true healing cannot take place.
That's just what I was thinking. Maybe hoping - in a way - that that's the explanation because that would sort of mean it's a step on the way to something better.


Sounds like me comming off of paxil. Anxiety beyond compare (lasted for months)... it was worse than the depression/anxiety that led me to the paxil in the first place.I've heard of this kind of thing, but I only took the Effexor for about 10 weeks and the Zoloft for 2 weeks (while weaning off of Effexor). Doesn't seem like long enough to jack me up this much - I sure don't want to believe that anyway...because that means that this pain and suffering is for nothing - that it's all because of a stupid mistake, a stupid medication, a stupid doctor?

I am really sorry to hear that you are in such a place today :( I am still hoping for so much better to come your way.
C~F, you are always so kind to me, and I want you to know it means alot. I'm having trouble participating much in the forum while I'm feeling this way - but I'll be lurking about.

http://i214.photobucket.com/albums/cc312/busyhermit/smiley_lurk.gif

Crazy~Feet
09-10-07, 10:53 PM
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/bloominrose.gif

MaNaeSWolf
09-12-07, 03:43 PM
Hey Bushyhermit. I feel your pain.
I fell into that bad place a few times this year. But I have not had it as bad this year as in the past. I actually wish I had known about this place when I was much younger. However I am unrecognisable from those times, I did learn a lot from my depression from childhood which lasted for about as long as I can remember.
While hanging on a thread you only know that it is not supposed to be like that.
But it's been like 3-4 weeks - I can't remember what "normal" felt like, but this ain't it.I went through that for about 18 years (as far back as I ould remember), until I came to University and found some friends for the first time in my life, people who I could relate to. This was the first time I remember feeling like a human.

However all those friends are gone, and the ones who are left. . . well, lets just say I dont know if they are friends at all. I wonder if it all was just an illusion back then.

But I now know what it feels like to be human, what it feels like to belong. Even though it is a just a feeling and probably never real, I found something that I liked. When I get very depro I try to remember those moments of joy I had in my life. Remember why your hanging on, dont just hang on.

I dont get depressed easily anymore because I know that life always has a Happier side, knowing that makes a depression easier. Its only a phase, but it can help you remember the greater and more joyous parts of your life.

Yes, it definately does get harder before it gets easier.
Per Adua Ad Honesta - Through the thorns to the Stars!

sloppitty-sue
09-12-07, 05:59 PM
Oh BusyHermit - I'm feeling your pain as well. (Hi there MaNaesWolf . . . wow - what a remarkable story you have - nice to meet you . . . anyway . . .)

I'm so glad you posted. It gives me comfort to know I'm not alone - and also that I can post something like this here too if I need to. (My therapist has had a family emergency and has been out for 2 weeks already. And these past few weeks have been bad ones for me . . . anyway . . .)

I love all the replies you've received so far, and I agree with them. CF is especially comforting to you too, I see. We're lucky to have her and all of the other great folks here who consistently offer those of us in need comfort, consoling, and encouragement.

Thinking of you,
Sue

busyhermit
09-12-07, 06:59 PM
Thank you so much all. This is truly a wonderful place...I've never gotten so much support - you are all so kind. I only hope I have the ability to pay you back somehow. I can't help but feel guilty when people are nice to me and yet it is a wonderful feeling, too. Hmmm. More internal conflict for therapy.

Anyways, I'm feeling much better today. Riding a bit of a rollercoaster - it seems that every sensation and reaction is exaggerated - both good and bad. I like the good parts, almost feel giddy at times if I'm listening to a great song or something - I can't actually remember feeling that good before (when not under the influence) but it's also mixed with a frantic agitation that makes it all a bit strange. Still, it feels pretty good - but that crash the other day was terrible - - . I have homework from my therapist this week to try to figure out what happens to cause those, as well as my frustration explosions. Yeah, I know - triggers, they call them.

The pdoc says that those few antidepressants that I took are long-gone out of my system. But part of me still wonders if they really gave my brain-chemicals a stir, and the dust hasn't settled yet. It's either that, or I'm really like this - which is possibility as well. After all, much has changed in the last few weeks. It's been quite profound to find that I am not alone in all these things that I thought I must HIDE and BLUFF to cover. It was a 24-7 job, trying to appear normal. Well, I'm done trying to cram myself into that box. I never fit and I never will and I don't have to pretend anymore. Still my glass-is-half-empty side pokes me once in a while and says, "Ahh, it'll pass" and that would be bad, because regardless of how I feel now, I don't ever want to go back to the hopeless and endless brown muck of my life before I found this place.

Thank you all so much - I'm so glad you're here.

Crazy~Feet
09-12-07, 07:21 PM
I like the good parts, almost feel giddy at times if I'm listening to a great song or something - I can't actually remember feeling that good before (when not under the influence) but it's also mixed with a frantic agitation that makes it all a bit strange.


I am having a similar feeling myself right now, Hermit. Its a recent development and thus a little but freaky. I have a new post in BP explaining exactly why. We really don't get a map to follow, do we?



C~F, you are always so kind to me, and I want you to know it means alot
CF is especially comforting to you too, I see. We're lucky to have her and all of the other great folks here who consistently offer those of us in need comfort, consoling, and encouragement.

:o Y'all are just to sweet! Its nothing remarkable, really its not. That's why I come here. You know that AA saying "You cannot keep it unless you give it away"? Without bogging things down in too many details...let's just say that this is how I choose to give what I have away. There were many who gave to me when I needed them, and I honor them this way too.


Thanks for letting me be here with all of you, its good for me, too. :)

Swede63
09-12-07, 10:34 PM
Hi Busy hermit you and I pretty much have the same diagnosis, anxiety, depression, ADD and problems in the past with substance abuse. I know what you are going through because for the last few months my life has been he** and almost unmanageable. Iím talking about this close to checking into the local psych hospital. All the while putting on the brave face. Sometimes. I feel like Iím dying inside. Thank god somehow I am able to take good care of my children. It has made me strong I suppose



Iím going through a terrible cycle right now anxiety and some panic. Can you describe the movements? Are they ticks? I didnít have a good experience with Zoloft (many years ago) Itís a very strong drug and it effects the brain chemicals in many different ways. Tapering down does usually takes a long time unfortunately. I developed ticks that I never had before, mostly eye blinking and other facial ticks it was really weird. That hung on for quite some time even after the drug was out of my system. But they did go away.

<O:p

I know that feeling of ďhanging inĒ I describe it as I feel like Iím hanging onto the edge of a cliff and I donít know if I can do it much longer.


Iím glad you are feeling better. I can relate to your trying so hard to appear normal it is exhausting! I do that all the time itís my ďIím fineĒ mask.

<O:p

I really love this place too (the forum, not the psych ward LOL) but have found it nearly impossible to post lately let alone read without crying because my mind is so muddled and freaking out and I feel that I canít participate. For the past week or so I havenít even have the strength or motivation to turn the computer on in the first place. Iím at square one again and going back on meds, which is a good decision on my part. Iím hopeful for the future. We keep trying right? Thatís important.

<O:p
Hang in there

Charl

busyhermit
09-13-07, 09:08 AM
You know that AA saying "You cannot keep it unless you give it away"? Without bogging things down in too many details...let's just say that this is how I choose to give what I have away. There were many who gave to me when I needed them, and I honor them this way too.
I am very familiar with that concept myself. "Pass it on". :) It does work. It is important. It's all good...

Iím going through a terrible cycle right now anxiety and some panic. Can you describe the movements? Are they ticks? I didnít have a good experience with Zoloft (many years ago) Itís a very strong drug and it effects the brain chemicals in many different ways. Tapering down does usually takes a long time unfortunately. I developed ticks that I never had before, mostly eye blinking and other facial ticks it was really weird. That hung on for quite some time even after the drug was out of my system. But they did go away. Yeah, that's just what I was thinking - like tics, maybe. Mostly with the hands, some with the face, some verbal (?) - repeating nonsense words. Definitely increases and decreases with anxiety level. Not involuntary, but more like compulsive. I can control them when I am around people, though can slip once in a while. It's not really disturbing in itself because it's actually calming to my agitated brain - - but I've had to get over feeling foolish about it - and I worry about slipping up in front of others. But if it's giving me some anxiety relief, that's OK with me.

I really love this place too (the forum, not the psych ward LOL) but have found it nearly impossible to post lately let alone read without crying because my mind is so muddled and freaking out and I feel that I canít participate. For the past week or so I havenít even have the strength or motivation to turn the computer on in the first place. Iím at square one again and going back on meds, which is a good decision on my part. Iím hopeful for the future. We keep trying right? Thatís important. I know exactly what you're talking about. When you're body becomes dead weight. The very depths of depression are a paradox for me. On the one hand...I look to it as the only relief I know because then I can stop fighting and trying and struggling...it's a dream of escape. And yet...when I am there, when I have given up the fight - there is no longer a reason to exist. There is no pleasure and no meaning and no reason to do anything - and I realize I cannot live that way either. It's a trap don't you see? Around and around.

Hmmm. I'm having trouble putting this into words - but I think it's important. I need to understand this problem. This cycle - the trap.

Most of the time I am struggling. Swimming upstream. Trying/wanting to be something better and failing. Worrying - all the time. Every failure is a blow, another setback, forever keeping me from....happiness? Always working, always struggling, get it done get it done get it done...if I finish the list I'll be relieved and (happy?). But always feeling that it's two steps forward and three steps back, and so I never really get anywhere. Nothing changes. And I don't think about the future, because I don't want to know. I'm afraid to know. And I don't look at "the big picture" of my life because I know it will be an ugly, horrible and hopeless thing - the truth. I run from it. I work non-stop at one thing or another so I don't have time to think or feel. Avoidance as a way of life, that's me in a nutshell.

I think the depressions are just me getting worn out. Tired of fighting a fight that can't be won and looking for relief anywhere I can get it. Giving up sounds pretty darn good sometimes. But it's a lie, of course. I think there will be relief, but there isn't. Only more and more guilt over all I'm not doing. And since I am no longer fighting for that elusive "happiness", and I'm not even accomplishing the few things that gave me any self-worth at all, my life now has no meaning or purpose whatsoever. I can't stand to be in my own skin, so just "hanging out"...not moving...without the distraction of constant working...is unbearable.

I run until I can't run anymore...rest in torment til I can't stand it anymore...then get up and start running again.

Wow. Now THAT ladies and gentlemen is a trap! That's just not fair.

I mean - I KNOW that I made the trap. I don't blame that on anyone else. What I'm not so sure about is whether or not there is any escape from it. The trap is built of my thoughts and beliefs, and can those really be changed? Therapists always say yes...but...I'm unsure. Some things maybe...some things...I just don't know. In a way, those beliefs that I've had for as long as I remember ...they seem to be a part of me. Can I really change? I don't know. Certainly not on my own reasoning, because MY reasoning created and maintains the trap. But I have renewed hope in therapy this time, and it feels pretty good. Although I still look askance at the future (and only for a split-second, mind you) I am hopeful as well, Swede. You're right, we just have to keep trying.

uhurainmi
09-13-07, 09:44 AM
To Busy HERMIT.

I hope the reason you haven't posted in a few minutes is that you either went for a walk and stretch or went back to bed. Get as much sleep as your body wants. Looking at painful issues and being depressed is exhausting.

This is a very cool place. Everyone here is like me in some way. I like the general upbeat feeling of the forum. Be good to yourself. I know it's hard to accept support even tho' you know you need it. Trust that when you are through this rough time, you will understand.
I feel so good today, it's hard to remember that it was just a few months ago, that I wanted to kill myself. That seems like a different person. It will get better, keep in touch.

sloppitty-sue
09-14-07, 10:53 AM
Hey BusyHermit,

Wow - I found that last post of yours to be extremely helpful (not to mention impressive) in providing me with some ways to describe how I'm feeling. Also - felt good to know that I'm not alone in how I experience my life sometimes - like I'm trying to actually GET somewhere, but I seem to just be traveling on a TREADMILL. And I've nobly been keeping my chin up, not sweating the small stuff, stopping to smell the roses, etc. and as far as it seems I've come - BAM! Out of nowhere, something kicks me so far back. For the past few years I've been the poster child for "If you dream it, you can do it" - now suddenly, I'm engulfed in the feeling of being a helpless, powerless infant, all alone in the dark, knowing that someone's out there but as hard as I cry - nobody's coming. This feeling I'm having is probably due to the fact that BAD things are happening to me and I need help, but either nobody believes me and/or nobody wants to help me. And I'm so overwhelmed that I'm paralyzed and unable to help myself.

Anyway - sorry to go off on a tangent. I was trying to PROVE to you that I understand. Perhaps I've made you MORE depressed instead. (Please don't let that be the case.)

And HEY - gotta love this one: About 5 years ago I saw the counselor who works where I worked. (I was desparate, and I didn't have TIME to for an appt with a regular, independent therapist.) I was describing something similar to what you were. I was mentioning the frustration of feeling like I'm doing all I can, doing my best, staying strong, doing all the RIGHT things, etc. - but I just can't seem to GET to that place that one's supposed to GET to. Everytime I am NEARING "that place" - the "PLACE" to get to CHANGES and gets pushed 100% further!!! How will I ever be happy? I'm almost 40 and am NOT EVEN CLOSE to "getting there" in spite of my very best efforts!

Can you guess what this counselor said to me? Of course: "Hasn't anyone ever told you - Life's all about "the journey" NOT "the destination." Comforting?? I think not. (At least it sure wasn't back then.)

Don't get "too crazy" my fellow warrier! Better days are in the forecast!!!

Sincerely,
Sue

busyhermit
09-18-07, 03:52 PM
Can you guess what this counselor said to me? Of course: "Hasn't anyone ever told you - Life's all about "the journey" NOT "the destination." Comforting?? I think not. (At least it sure wasn't back then.)Psshh...where do these people come from?! How about those that just tell you to "think positively" or "don't worry so much"!

I just keep going up and down (or maybe I should say neutral and down, not really up). Pretty depressed again today - feeling desperate, so here I am again. I might have to go ahead and call the doctor if tomorrow is like this. Starting to get heavy, and hard to move, you know? Only I can't sit still because I'm burning up on the inside. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone else.

My therapist asked me to write down my "automatic thoughts" this week. The things I tell myself all the time. I must say it's pretty disturbing. But I'm plugging away. Trying. Hoping that if I do these things, maybe something can change. I hope so, because right now I can't bear the thought of going on this way.

Futzbudget
09-18-07, 09:54 PM
Aw, Busy, I feel sooo bad for you. What a dreadful thing to go through -- and it's been so long, too. It almost seems to me that your brief "ups" (all the way up to neutral) would make it seem even worse -- a little glimmer of hope, only to be dashed away again.

I really can't add anything beyond what these wonderful people who've responded have already said. I'm glad that at least you have this place to come to -- and there are so many great folks here, who can empathize and understand (unlike the outside world where impatience and blame are more usual reactions).

Although today you are feeling about ready to give up, I really admire you -- you haven't given up, have continued to search for solutions and to create a good life for yourself. And to take beautiful photos! (How you can do that, feeling as low as you have been, is beyond me. And indicates really good things, I think.)

Wish I had a magic happy bullet to send your way, but all I can send is warm thoughts.

-

busyhermit
09-20-07, 08:11 PM
Thanks Futz, I appreciate that.

QueensU_girl
09-20-07, 09:07 PM
You sound really isolated and lacking in support. This makes all illnesses (and human conditions in general), feel worse.

What can you do to get some support?

Do you have a local helpline or crisis line you can phone to ask about community support services?

Emma

busyhermit
09-21-07, 12:51 AM
Hi Emma. Sure, I'm isolated (hence the name) - I find isolation to be far less uncomfortable than the alternative. Sorry to sound stupid but I don't understand what "support" means. I'm going to therapy now which is one thing I can look to for hope that things can change. Man. Sorry about all of the negative. I'm getting really bored with it and embarassed to keep spewing it. It's just all I've got right now. Boring. Please forgive.

Shamen
11-08-07, 08:17 PM
Hi Emma. Sure, I'm isolated (hence the name) - I find isolation to be far less uncomfortable than the alternative. Sorry to sound stupid but I don't understand what "support" means. I'm going to therapy now which is one thing I can look to for hope that things can change. Man. Sorry about all of the negative. I'm getting really bored with it and embarassed to keep spewing it. It's just all I've got right now. Boring. Please forgive.
For support my take on it is finding a circle of friends that either have ADHD, know other people with ADHD, or are people that accept others for their own unique qualities. As for therapy, how much it helps depends on the therapist him or her self. Some therapists have ADHD and are probably the best ones out there. They have intuitions that other therapist don't have. They are the therapists exploring your inner emotions before you are even done a sentence.

I would recommend looking for a group that meets in your area, generally I find ADDers are a really friendly caring bunch, I know I am. If there is no CHADD group where you live then I would even recommend may'be getting a profile on myspace and going to one of the ADHD groups on there and go on peoples profiles and read them. Likely find some really interesting people. Look for people with interests and hobbies related to yours that live in your community, talk to them a while and if they seem like great people try to meet them ( always be careful meeting people online ). Nobody can understand you more than someone else with ADHD. Getting back to "support", sometimes just having fun together or a hug means more than any words could. There are definately people out there that will appreciate you for who you are. You just got to find them.