I saw other people posting queries like this, so I'm hoping it's not inappropriate, but I know that it IS ALWAYS inappropriate to some degree to assume a diagnoisis on forums like these... Just so long as I don't get carried away and think I'm an expert on the personal aspect of ADHD, right?

I've been seeing a therapist for a couple months at least, but I've never said much of anything about any issues to him. I've dealt with depression, eating disorders, and a short bout of self-injury in the past, plus lots of anxiety (which unfortunately makes me hallucinate a bit), but everything had been under control, everything has been under control. None of that's the issue. Little things would occur to me to raise in a session, but every time I got there, nothing seemed significant. I looked out the window, looked at the patterns of light his lamp shone on the wall, moved my eyes like I was thinking and paid attention to the feeling of my eye muscles, "listened" to my homeostatic/emotional sense or whatever, talked/though about other things, blahblahblah.

I also fidgeted a lot and once shredded his business card to little pieces that got all over the place and brought out a slight (not sure what) reaction in him, and that WASN'T due to nerves--it's me. I draw elaborate designs on my hand and arm at random times, and at my physical age (16) and being exceptionally gifted, I SHOULDN'T fidget to the point of being embarrassing to others.

I was studying in the library one day this week (have an independent-study physics class, which has been a bit... unproductive?) and walking around with the book, and the librarian looked at me funny and said, "Well, let's sit DOWN and study, mmkay?" so I sat down, swinging my arms and legs, and thought resentfully about petty revenge and how bigoted she was, etc.

Then I started drawing in my review book and actually read a little and followed some problems about Gaussian surfaces in the 90 minutes I was there. I thought I would burst but I was preoccupied with something, I think, by the time I got out and went to lunch.

This whole week I'd been having a lot of problems with hyperactivity (still am, to a degree). I changed position in my chair and fidgeted so much during my Calc III class, and got very angry for sitting there, that I thought the other kids must think me autistic or completely without social standards or something (the "something" being the really weird younger smart kid).

See, last week, there was a lot of pressure on me mentally and I was obsessed with revising/enlarging a community site for gifted youth, so that was taking up my energy or whatever, and the physical movement was less--and that was tension, but when I first get caught up with something (like now) I have to walk around and pace and go outside and pick up sticks and pull them apart and stuff like that. I also eat a lot.

I think I got anorexia when I was 12 because of ADHD--I didn't feel like I was in control, was always being told I couldn't control myself, was weak-willed, immature, etc, and I was gaining weight from eating too much. I'd tell myself to stop eating, then five seconds later I was getting something to eat. It was very frustrating and I couldn't break the pattern, so I stopped eating altogether (well, a little, but mostly none). I could've died, but then I started eating again, and I still eat so much I make myself sick. It's like consequences--in my digestive system, in school, with my family, monetarily--don't matter to me at all, no matter how much I try to make them matter.

I make decent grades and then C's. Often, I'm floundering with F's and D's until the final exam, which always brings them up, and maybe the teachers help me out a little because I'm a smart and dedicated (for maybe four minutes out of each week, per subject) student. That's enough because my IQ is simply that high, and my school is simply that easy. I had to quit the harder one.

I know a lot of ADHD people are gifted and talented, but I also know there's a lot of concerns about misdiagnosis (or people WANT there to be a lot of concerns because they simply can't accept that a prevalent syndrome affects all the people they really, really want to sneer down on).

I've always thought that I couldn't succeed, no matter what. I wanted to be a writer because I've never been convinced that I could succeed at a normal job or even in college, but I can't write either, even though I enjoy the technical aspects of writing and story-telling. Part of that's because it's overwhelming, but I don't do things I enjoy and that'll help me even if they're not overwhelming.

I've floundered and said I can never do anything intentionally, and no matter how high my self-esteem gets, no matter how completely receptive to planning and to doing the simple things, I still DON'T do the things I'm supposed to do. It's making college applications and scholarships applications things that aren't likely to happen except in the most last-minute, yelled-at, unfavorable way--and I'm trying.

I zone out when people are talking or when I'm reading, but I get along most of the time by filling in with intuition or nonverbal cues, but if I actually noticed what I was seeing/hearing--I can see where I'd get a lot done. And I could've made an A in one class last year if I'd JUST been able to hear the due date of one project that all the nonverbal cues implied wouldn't be due the next period... I had a D for most of the semester because I didn't watch a movie on time, because I didn't know I was supposed to!

And I had a disorganized teacher/class in chemistry, and I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what was going on. None. I was still the best on all the tests, but I didn't bother doing the assignments because (a) I couldn't even when I sat down to do them and (b) I didn't know what they were. The whole class participated in decisions makings, and I can never follow a group socially. One-on-one's hard enough.

I love being around younger children and get along in their play very much, which might be an indication of spontaneity or disorganization or whatever. I mean, it's supposed to be the exact opposite for the gifted, so I think there's something there.

Hmm. When I was in elementary school, I was always the pathetically disorganized, frustrated-to-tears kid whose desk spewed out ripped and crumpled books and papers, ignored assignments, and all sorts of strange items. Always daydreamed, drew on scraps of paper, never knew what the teacher was talking about or what was going on. Missed assignments, didn't return things I borrowed, worried about that but had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do with this object I had in hand.

Ditz, spacey, absent-minded professor, no common sense, out of it, somewhere else, whatever--people call me things that could be expected of ADHD.

I rejected the idea of ADs for depression because I can deal with my moods, but the moment I started suspecting this problem, I wanted medications--because they could offer real benefits that I need.

If you could read all of this, you're beyond talented and well-treated, and I applaud you. If you skimmed this and read the parts you like, I likewise applaud you. Thanks.

A couple more recent anecdotes:

I talked with my brother, who's also gifted but less so, about our college/career prospects, and his seemed more hopeful because, as he said, he made up for lower intellect with ability to FOCUS. I talked about how I couldn't focus at all, how I flitted from one idea or interest to the next and each was compelling--this was before I started suspecting ADHD, which was only yesterday.

My 1st period teacher mentioned that nobody in the class had energy, and I piped up, "I have energy!" and she said, "But you always have energy, Amy."

I thought about that, and it turned out to be true, but I never thought of myself that way (probably the depression, the WANTING to be exhausted, or the emotional exhaustion at the end of a lot of tension, etc). But I don't know how to be tired or really damped-down because of exhaustion--even when I'm sick, I can hardly believe I need to sleep so much or to sit still because my mind's active and I still want to tap my toes or my fingers or move my legs, and, most of all, hop up and go on a walk or a run (which I can't do because of severely bad health, forever--just out of shape, slight genetic disorder that may be helping that, sedentary even during young childhood, then anorexia that burned off all my muscle, but I've always had a periodic urge to run or to do cartwheels or swim or whatever I never learned to/haven't been prepared to do).

Even when I'm depressed, I'm thinking about it very actively, and probably occupied with a primary as well as a secondary interest. I can't do as well in class if I'm asked to focus on one and only one activity or listening, because, once I'm on one track, that track changes unpredictably, and the original thing isn't there at all anymore.

I'm always trying very hard to take things seriously or to pay attention, but I can't. I thought very badly of myself because I sometimes keep talking about whatever's in my head (usually inane or theoretical) or even laugh when someone's having a bad day--I'm generally compassionate and highly empathetic, so why would I be unfeeling? I'm always leaving things places, have a hard time sporadically doing household chores, lose EVERYTHING, and need to concentrate very, very, very hard to remember what I'm doing if I change rooms or even walk across the room to put something away, and even concentrating doesn't always make me remember anything close to immediately.

Anyway, I've felt like a useless person who won't achieve anything or keep up relationships long term because I haven't had any evidence that I can do those things, and much evidence to the contrary, all my life. I mean, I can be brilliant a lot of the time, can do many things adequately, but it's the little things like keeping track of forms and projects and money (and chores) that I'm hopeless at and that bring everything down. Even something I like--or even love, like exercising--stops happening because I'm busy with something else or because I don't think about it until it's too late or because I know it's there but I'm busy posting on ADHD forums.

Wow, that was disorganized, but it required sustained attention, didn't it? There were several times when I found myself paused in the middle of the sentence and had to use all my mental skills to bring back what I was trying to say, and that took a while. I'm not trying to prove I have ADHD, just talk about things that seem like ADHD to me to people who might have some insights or just encouragement in a been there, done that kind of way.

Thanks!

If you could read all of this, you're beyond talented and well-treated, and I applaud you. If you skimmed this and read the parts you like, I likewise applaud you. Thanks.

It was definitely the latter for me. I'm sure I even read some parts more than once, and skipped others (simply because I have been up and down away from my computer while looking at this post (though I'm not the hyperactive type)).

We're not supposedly qualified to give diagnosis' here, and you might want to even print your own post and take it to a qualified medical professional. :) End of disclaimer.

Having written that, as far as the organization of your post, I'm sure we can let that pass off as your lines and paragraphs may be presented in a Quantum arrangement (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=42705). On some dimension, they're probably organized. I don't think a professor would buy it though, unfortunately.

Hyperactivity can also be a symptom of anxiety. Anxiety and depression are very different from one another, but one often leads to the other, probably due to deeper neurobiological reasons (depletion of some sort).

However, since you have given instances of characteristics present during early development, then the hypothesis of you having ADHD is quite plausible.

I think it's these characteristics, present at an early age, that will tell the true story. ADHD is a developmental attention disorder, which basically means that the attentional characteristics of one afflicted are not appropriate with respect to age. Thus, it generally has to be shown that it existed from the start. It's not obvious at all points in time, but for practical purposes, symptoms are often noticed at the time of entering school, or possibly a little later.

Symptoms do not necessarily translate into immediately obvious or measurable difficulties. For example, one may show the symptom of poorly sustained attention in most situations, but may be able to make up for it in terms of school performance. However, these symptoms often do cause difficulties at later times, even though they were always present.

Welcome to the forums, by the way. I'm sure others will chime in here as well, but many have had similar experiences to yours. I was even restless to a degree while in school, even though I am not of the hyperactive variety. I even did fairly well in school (mostly because I could "sleep through" and get away with it).