Hi everyone. I'm sure you get 30 of these sorts of threads a week, but I'm hoping someone can maybe relate and tell me what they think of my situation.

I'm currently 18 years old and on the cusp of adulthood, but something is holding me back, and I think it might be something like ADD. My current biggest problem is a complete lack of any future goals or plans. Rather, I should say, it's a complete inability to actually carry any of them out. In my own mind, I completely agree that I need to get a job and go to school in order to advance with my life, but my body is completely repulsed by anything even close to actually doing it. I've been trying to get a job recently but I've found that filling out a resume is nearly impossible. Even the slightest mention of it makes me ridiculously, irrationably angry. It feels like I'll die if I don't get away from it. This probably won't make any sense, but I can feel my entire body trying to pull away, throwing itself into a wall or out a door, just to escape from having to write one stupid little resume. When my mother says I need to finish it and get a job, I'm in complete agreeance, but my body reacts so very differently. My voice gets angry fast, and I have an incredibly overwhelming desire for violence; I tore a newspaper to shreds a couple days ago.

I've had many of the other symptoms, too. One of the few things I enjoy is writing, yet I have about twenty unfinished stories sitting on this hard-drive alone. The few times where I can concentrate and actually finish a story are marvelous, but those are so far between and ephemeral that I could never base a career around it (the one goal I really have in my life, in fact). Every minor goal I've ever assigned myself has failed: building a fence, constructing something out of wood, learning how to bike or garden... it all just gets lost somewhere along the way as I become so very bored of something that was so uniquely interesting to me just the previous day. I have horrible sleeps as my mind simply cannot shut up long enough for me to drift off without tossing and turning in bed for an hour or more.

I think it's started to make me slide into deep depression. Looking back, I've had almost all the signs since I was about 13, but it's only really started to rear its head in the past few years. I have crying jags, fetal positioning, "episodes" where I can literally do nothing but lie on the floor for five minutes, etc.. I can feel the talons of suicide starting to claw at me desperately, and the times where everything weighs so heavily and it starts to seem like a good, almost unavoidable, option are some of the most frightening moments I've ever had.

My family doesn't know, and I don't think they think anything is wrong with me. The only person I've confided my suspicion of ADD with is my mother, and while she said she'd phone around and see if she can get me in to see someone, I don't think she honestly believes that anything is wrong with me, that I'm just telling myself something negative which is why I can never finish anything. While I wish I could go in and see someone right now, the insurance won't cover everything (I live in Canada, but, to my knowledge, psychiatric services aren't fully covered, only partially) and I don't have enough money to pay the fees they would be asking for.

I'm sorry this is so long but I really, really needed to say all of this. I feel so very hopeless and alone, even though my situation could not be better. Every need I have is taken care of, except the one most important to me: my future. I'm deathly afraid that I will either become homeless, amount to nothing more than a worthless leech, or finally pull the trigger and end it.

I guess what I'm looking for is some re-assurance from other people who might've had experiences like this. Did you eventually get help? Did it solve the problems of paralysis in the face of moving forward with your life? I want to succeed, I want to prove myself a good person in the eyes of my parents and others, but I simply can't. It's like trying to run through a brick wall. The worst part is the fact that I can't get anyone to understand this. Even I can't really understand it. I just really need some words of encouragement right now.

Anonymous, you are not alone. Your post sounded like something I would have written at your age. I'm 40+ now. You are fortunate that you're realizing things at such at early age and coming here tells me you know there are reasons for your feelings, physiological ones, that you had nothing to do with choosing for yourself. That said, I offer no magic words.

My ADD is of the inattentive type, at least that's what describes me the most. I've had lots of down times, thinking life is hopeless, being unable to finish things, hopping from goal to goal. BUT, I've also had some amazing experiences that I would never have had if I'd been given a differently wired brain. I have dozens of stories of the whacky situations I've found myself in. I've risen from the depths of despair a few times and gotten stronger each time. I learned to laugh at myself, and yes to keep from crying sometimes, too.

You're already a very good writer. You express yourself very well. Don't give up on that goal at only 18, please!

The anger and tendency toward violence is serious though and you definitely need to see someone, a psychiatrist for possible medication, and a counselor or therapist to talk things out with. Depression is very real and you can't snap out of it--you may be able to ride it out, but if yours is ongoing as it sounds like, you need to address it.

Your post touched me, and I'm here to tell you that even with your current feelings, life will get better. You're choosing to help yourself by coming here, so keep choosing that---to help yourself.