Need any good, sound advice you can offer.

My husband and I are really in a pickle. I'll try to make it brief. He's the son of immigrants. Both his parents and he wanted nothing more than for him to not have to work with his hands--to be really successful as a teacher or something instead of being a butcher or a mechanic as his father was. However, years of bullying at school, undiagnosed ADD and learning disabilities, has left him at age 29 with no post-high school education and no skills to rely on for a good job. All he has to fall back on is retail experience which he hates and which pays little. We are at a point in our lives where buying a home and having children is something we are wanting but we cannot do that because he has no vocation or good job; and he's completely undecided as to what to try and do. He told me last night that he never wanted to be a blue collar worker like his father but because of his ADD he can't see himself in an office setting or being able to go to school. He's so discouraged, confused, and doesn't know what to do. He's really hit rock bottom. He's seeing a counselor but she doesn't seem to be helping him with how to pick up the pieces and move forward. He's completely blank and panicking as to what to do next to get his life on some sort of track.
What do you do when ADD and other mental disabilities get in the way and you're 29, needing some sort of vocational track? I'm at my wits end because I want to help and I don't know how to. Thanks for listening.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You don't mention if he is on any kind of medication. Is he taking anything for his myriad mental health problems? If not, maybe he should be; and if he is, maybe he should switch his meds to something else to help him better sort things out. If he's undecided about what occupation he wants to pursue, he should take a few vocational aptitude tests to see where his interests lay. I'm sure he could find some on the net or at the local library. He should really do a little soul searching as to where his passion lies and what he wants to do with himself. Once he finds out what career he wants to pursue, he may want to volunteer/intern at the company that has the kind of work he wants to do. Now for the ugly part: if he wants to acquire some marketable skills or formal training in his field of interest, he will have to go back to school. Yes, it might suck-but if he wants to move up in life, the reality is that education and experience do count for a lot in a majority of fields. Rare is the person that can land a professional, or high paying gig, without some measure of either education or experience. As far as the low self-esteem goes, that is typical for quite a number of ADDers so he isn't alone in that area. I recommend, if he hasn't done this already, some books about ADD - they will give him an idea of what ADD is all about and might give him ideas on how to deal with it. Also, I recommend inspirational books - books by Leo Buscaglia for instance, or Robert Schuller( I think I'm spelling his name incorrectly). Those are just two names but there are plenty more out there and I'm sure you can find some recommendations throughout this forum. Also, give him a little help from your end if you aren't already doing that now ( I assume you are ). It's surprising how a little love and encouragement goes a long way towards helping a person in their life. Best of luck to you both and keep us updated!!

Hmm quite alot of stuff in that post.....parental aspirations, bullying, lack of self esteem, ADHD. I would suspect many mental blocks are in play.

white collar/blue collar, lets stop making that distinction, to be a superb craftsman requires far far more intelligence, skill and experience than any managerial job.

Bullying.....in education after school age that stops..everyones there for a reason..to better themselves. If you've the brains to do the work you'll be OK and if you've ADHD there are meds to assist.

Parental aspirations.....no there's the rub.....deep imprinting that x is good and y is bad.....much more difficult to overcome to get to the nirvana of a fulfilling life.

My advice.....if ADHD is diagnosed then meds may be appropriate however this will not deal with some of the underlying mental blocks.

I would try hypnotherapy, possibly coupled with cognitive behavioural therapy....this should aim at overcoming particular issues such as self esteem and fear of a learning or office environment.

I'm having hypnotherapy and it does help though it needs regular sessions and its not cheap.....but here in the UK skilled ADHD diagnosis and medication is not easy to find.

My 2 cents worth

kilt

Let me clarify a few things and thanks to you both for already posting.

My husband is currently on medication--Effexor and Lemictal for the Bipolar and Anxiety. In the past he was on Adderall two months ago he hit rock bottom with SEVERE anxiety. The shrink put him on the two meds above but pulled him off the Adderall until the anxiety could be gotten under control. I suspect when he goes back next week he'll be put back on some sort of ADHD medication.

There are a lot of issues. The bullying wasn't just petty bullying but severe and that's why its effect is long lasting. Blue Collar and White collar aren't the best choices of terms. What is frustrating him is that he would like to be in a job he can be proud of and do something completely unlike his parents. He respects good, honest, hard work but wanted something better for himself. But now he's trying to deal with the frustration that his mental handicaps are going to make it extremely difficult if not impossible to become a college professor, etc. His one great talent is that he's an amazing artist but as we all know, artists don't make a lot of money unless they can get recognized. Like many ADD'ers he has a vast array of interests and is smarter than anyone else I know. He's very interested in culinary arts and that, right now, is the only possibility I know of where he could do something he likes without having to go to a school and take course that require lots of writing. He just wants to move forward instead of treading water, you know?

I'm having a few problems with my preconceptions of the words mental handicap and learning difficulty coupled with the phrase "smartest person I know" but I think thats my problem but bear with me as the use of these words makes it difficult for me to understand where you're both at.

You say he is an amazing artist and that artists don't make alot of money unless recognised. This may be true but in your husbands position respect and money should be decoupled so that he does not purely value himself by the money he earns. This is very difficult to do in our increasingly consumerist world and men have very fragile egos in this regard.

However art and being artistic can be taken into so many aspects of life and employment and success becomes more about ones inner confidence and ability to stick at something, coupled with a bit of luck and some good marketing nous. Its only when one gets into managerial high status work that artistic flair becomes almost useless.

Thus your husband is probably ideally suited to many professions and could rise high as true artistic ability coupled with a solid technical knowledge is extremely rare. This type of thing is usually taught hands on....and these days is often picked up on the job.

for example I'm thinking plaster cornice restoration, wood working, boatbuilding, stone repair, leadwork, saddlery, bookbinding, engraving, stained glass repair the list is long. One thing I'd be a little wary of is the cooking/culinary bit as it is well known that commercial kitchens are brutal places with high stress levels and appalling hours....no place for those who are anxious or have low self esteem.

Once he really knows his stuff hands on....people will come to him for advice, he may get busy and have to help new people working alongside him....if he's good at that the next thing is people ask him if he's interested in teaching a few evening classes and ...... he's on the way to being a teacher.

If he can use the ADHD hyperfocus and channel it to become almost geekish about somethng interesting and use meds and therapy to avoid distractions and anxiety then negatives can be turned to positives.

Art and not being neurotypical go hand in hand. In the UK one of our best loved personalities has recently done a TV series on artists and mental health using his own experience of manic depression as the thread through the series, very interesting and brought the issue into the public eye in a very positive way, particularly various well known personalities admiting their mental health issues but saying, as the presenter did, that though things were often tough they would not want to be "cured" if it meant losing that artistic essence of themselves.

The only jobs worth having are the ones with a little bit of art in them and the people who excel at those jobs are the people with a lot of art in them.

kilt

first of all, you both need to support one another. lessons in humility.

i am going through the same thing. i am the one used to looking at other peoples resumes, now i have to answer other peoples questions, very humiliating.

i walked out on an interview today. the guy was lucky to know what day it was.

in another intreview, i used the word jeopardize when i responded to a question. the guy said, ohhh, i like that word, jeopardize, how do you spell that?

college kids asking me why i think i am qualified, and on and on and on...

bottomline, we have to survive. first and foremost. it doesn't matter what you do, if i have to get a newspaper route, i will.

hang in there! something positive will happen if you apply yourself. instead of fretting, i am just trying to go with it, as screwed up as everything seems.

all the best-

My answer would be getting really good Assessment done.

You are in NC. Sounds like you are in a small town.

I'd suggest you get to a bigger city for some advice and Adult ADHD Assessment.

If you can get to UNC or Duke University, one of these places may have an LD Testing Centre on Campus. Perhaps, if cash is an issue, you can ask for "sliding Scale" testing fees.

My own campus did them for $300 for the poorest of the poor, need be. That is a wickedly low rate for testing that normally costs $1200.

Grad Students may be doing part of the testing, but it's still better than nothing.

Knowing your Husband's Deficits (and Strengths) (via Testing) is ESSENTIAL, so he can learn where he'll learn and work best, Training and Employment wise.

It should answer some questions, so he won't keep going in circles, job wise.

re: Kilted Scotsman's suggestions

Bullying can be very traumatic and affect learning ability, for sure. I joke that trauma is the 'gift that keeps on giving'. :S

I really recommend Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine to anyone who has had to endure various life circumstances beyond what they had the resources to handle.