View Full Version : Does this sound familiar..?


Gonga
09-24-07, 08:25 AM
I'm a 28 year old male and for as long as I can remember I have always felt that my brain is working a little differently to other around me. I have an excellent memory for real experiences and interactions that I make but have found other parts of my life just don't seem to function all to well.

I was never very good at education and have stuttered my way through school and university only passing the latter because my lecturer clearly sympathised that I was putting in the work as best I could, but struggled to structure my studies and my life to be able to achieve what I should.

Its kind of been an ongoing mantra that I "could do better" or "should achieve so much more". The fact is, that for as long as I can remember my mind wonders at the slightest oppurtunity and I struggle to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes at a time. Because of this I have found it hard to organise my life and really put my mind to anything.

Because I have a good memory for certain things, and can be quite quick witted I think a lot of people dont realise that I could be having real problems with other areas of my life and the mix of all these things has led me to have continued bouts of depression which see's me have big highs and lows sometimes throughout the course of a day, sometimes over a few weeks.

I had never really considered that I could have ADD until recently, when it was suggested to me, and upon reading a number of symptoms I realised I was ticking every box. It was then that I came across the possibility that I may be suffering a mix of ADD and BP, with perhaps one helping to cause the other.

My life seems to be a cycle of being trapped within an over active mind that makes it impossible to get myself organised and put any structure in to my life. This in turn seems to cause these massive ups and downs as I feel no sense of self worth and look for releases through impulsive actions or recreational drugs.

I thought for a while that my recreational drug use was perhaps a motivating factor in this, but Since realising that I have suffered silently with these ups and downs since a very young age I have probably been using drugs to hide the fact that with a clear mind I am in a much worse state.

I am very pragmatic, and consider myself to be very strong minded, so I am slightly cautious about self diagnosis, which is why I am seeing a doctor this week. However after many years of just dealing with these massive ups and downs I feel that finding out about these 2 conditions does seem to answer a number of questions that I have.

Thanks for listening/reading..

Spongedaddy
09-24-07, 08:48 AM
First of all, sorry to hear you are suffering, but glad to see you here.

You have the first step which is awareness. You are aware that there is something going on inside of you that causes a lot of pain. Now you are taking action which is excellent. My only input would be this: If you can be aware when talking with the doctor. For a long time I would slip into the "act" when I would go to the doc and not really be upfront about what was going on. Thus, I could never be treated well because the docs were not aware of what was really going on. Also, because doctors are so busy (it's almost become like McDonalds) it was eays for me to manipulate them to the story I wanted to present.

Please let us know how everything goes.

busyhermit
09-24-07, 08:58 AM
Hi Gonga,

Welcome to the forum! I think you'll find many people here who relate and feel the way you do. I have lived my entire life feeling as though I'm "just not right" - many of the things you've described, plus bouts of major depression. I, too, wondered if my (prior) illicit drug use and alcoholism was to blame - but it's clear that I was never happy, even as a child. My substance abuse was in fact "self-medicating" because it was the only way I could feel good, even if the price was incredibly high.

With the memory and concentration problems that I have - sometimes I feel incredibly stupid. But I'm not stupid - - and it's true that ADHD can be well hidden in some individuals like myself. I don't even share the fact of my ADHD with those around me because many have no clue that anything is even wrong - and good luck trying to explain some of these things to one who does not suffer with them!! I've heard so much "Why don't you just...." and "You just need to..." in my life...I just quit trying to make them understand.

My only input would be this: If you can be aware when talking with the doctor. For a long time I would slip into the "act" when I would go to the doc and not really be upfront about what was going on. Thus, I could never be treated well because the docs were not aware of what was really going on. Also, because doctors are so busy (it's almost become like McDonalds) it was eays for me to manipulate them to the story I wanted to present. Very good point, Sponge. This is something that I also tend to do. In my case, it stems from a lifetime of pretending and trying to appear normal. When it suddenly becomes neccessary to convey the truth, it's often very hard for me to discern just what that is. I might play it down due to embarassment, or exaggerate out of fear of being discounted.... Do your best to tell them how it really is, Gonga, and good luck!

justhope
09-24-07, 09:32 AM
Sounds like it's a possibility. Please do be TOTALLY honest with your doctor.

I was dx at age 24 with ADD combined type. 2 years later with mild depression.
But something was always missing and nothing , no meds/therapy or brain powered discipline, ever seemed to make me feel right, balanced or to accomplish the things I knew I should be able to...

I think I always knew....I had BP.....

It wasn't until I was totally honest, and the symptoms became unbearable. Had I have spoken up sooner, when I first suspected...my life might have been totally different....but my real LIFE didn't start , or rather I didn't really start Living until I got the dx, went through all the stages of grief...and accepted it....found meds that worked....

Now I am ALIVE.....


So if you find yourself with the BP diagnoses, or better yet,,,,the BP/ADD diagnoses.....we are here to support any and all who need it. We are a tough, but extremely caring and supportive, tightly knit group.


So an early welcome to the cycling club...

and a Welcome to ADDF....

I just noticed your first post was here....

Please take a minute and go to our New Members section and introduce yourself to the other members and Mods here!

name/city & state in your title please!!!

http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=14 (hyperlink)

Thanks....and again WELCOME

Gonga
09-24-07, 05:48 PM
Thanks for your replies and kind words..

I am only just beginning to read in what type of depression I may be suffering from and obviously it is quite hard to distinguish between so many types.

I feel almost certain that I am suffering from ADD, I feel it explains perfectly why I have struggled to maintain a balanced life thus far, and why I have found it almost impossible to structure my life so that I can achieve what I really feel I am capable of.

What is a little more troubling is the idea of dealing with the bouts of depression and whether the doctor will be able to recognise exactly what it is. I'm comfortable in saying that I have suffered from these big ups and downs for a good 15 years. Its rare that I have gone a week without feeling some kind of dread at just being me at some point, but sometimes even within the same day this can change and I feel capable of anything. Its just when I think about how to do so, that I realise that concentrating on anything often feels like an impossible task itself.

I am unsure if I will be diagnosed with a varient of BP, but a number of the symptoms I have read do seem to be reoccuring in my own experiences.

At the end of the day, I have to admit that I have been having these bouts of highs and lows for around 15 years, and it almost feels normal. Its just the frustration at not being able to concentrate on sorting my life out which has led me to fully address everything that is not quite right.

Gonga
09-27-07, 05:03 AM
Well, my visit to the Docs was roughly what I expected.. He agreed that I do have a form of what they call ADD, but pointed out that there is not a great deal that can be done about it. I dont suffer any hyperactive episodes so fobbing me off with some medication would not really do me much good, not that I was expecting or wanting anything anyway. His opinion is that its just part of the human condition and its just who I am, and its up to me to either embrace it or continue to get frustrated by it. To be honest this was exactly the answer I was expecting, and we both agreed that there is little point in pushing forward with something where the final result would just be that I was labelled with a mental health disorder whether or not I am slightly retarded.

As for the depression, he took me through a series of multiple choice questions, which were too vague for me to really take anything from the results, but I scored 14/20 which is not so good. I mentioned that I would prefer not to be prescribed any pills or what not as I'm certain that its my inability to bring my meandering and slightly warped mind under control that is causing my ups and downs and perhaps discovering there is actually a reason why my head works the way it does could be the start of me being able to reason with myself that I'm not doing anything wrong, and its not actually my fault. I've lived with quite a lot of confusion and self doubt for well over a decade now, and in a small way despite not being told anything I hadn't figured out myself it does feel slightly like a weight off my shoulders.

Spongedaddy
09-27-07, 07:01 AM
Hmmmm so you are suffering, but there is nothing he can do for you? And then he said it was part of the human condition?

Does the doctor know there are two forms of the condition one called ADD and one called ADH(and the H stands for hyperactivity)D?

Your story is like saying someone goes into a clothing store where they really want a shirt. However, the shirt is way too small and is cutting off circulation to your arms and neck, but the sales person says oh well it's just the human condition live with it.

Right now you have two choices really...you can listen to your ego which is building a nice case that nothing is wrong and Marcus Wontby MD is correct. Your mind will do a great job of convincing you that's it end of story. That's what I did and then proceeded to suffer from your age to now (36). Not a lot of fun. Or you can go try to find another doctor, maybe one who specializes with this stuff and see what that professional says.

Either way good luck to you and I hope you are okay.

busyhermit
09-27-07, 09:26 AM
...as I'm certain that its my inability to bring my meandering and slightly warped mind under control that is causing my ups and downs and perhaps discovering there is actually a reason why my head works the way it does could be the start of me being able to reason with myself that I'm not doing anything wrong, and its not actually my fault. I've lived with quite a lot of confusion and self doubt for well over a decade now...
You know what? That all sounds extremely familiar to me. But I have to tell you that I went on for decades in this condition. The problem IS that I can think and analyze and understand - I can see where my mistakes lie and recognize my twisted thinking - but that never changed the fact that I have the utter "inability to bring my meandering and slightly warped mind under control". Understanding is only half the battle, and it's the EASY half. When I gave up on doctors and meds and therapy and decided to "just live with it", things never got better, only worse. One of my favorite, most well-worn thought patterns is "if you ignore it long enough it will get better" - well, hopefully we all know how well that doesn't work.

If you're dead-set against medication, I'd recommend getting some therapy for your depression. That could also help you to find your way to a diagnosis - I can't believe the first dr sent a suffering person back out the door with an "Oh Well". That's just wrong. You've got a whole life ahead of you that does not need to be spent feeling this way.