Sorry, I am one of those annoying people who only use a forum when they need help from it!
My 5-year-old son has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and my husband I and are finding it increasingly difficult to cope. We have been offered a place on a course for parents of 'difficult' children, but have been unable to attend due to the time (they only offer it on a thursday afternoon and I am a teacher, therefore at work!)
As a teacher, I know a lot of the behaviour management theories and have ADHD books coming out of my ears. But, I still can't cope. I suffer from depression and often find myself exhausted by the constant battle from the moment he gets up until I leave him at the childminder's, and then again from when I get home until I eventually get him to sleep.
At the moment, he will not sleep alone, and for the past 6 months has spent each night in bed with my husband and I.
I have found my depression worsening, and have today be signed off work by my GP and told to double my medication.
Hence seeking help! I've been thinking about signing him up for karate or judo - any other suggestions?
I have really lost it with him a couple of times over the last few days and have ended up with him laughing as I am crying hysterically. I really don't know how to get through the next few days let alone the next few years.
Emma

Hi,
Well I don't have any words of advice but I do know how you feel. I have put my son in karate (he is almost 13) and I think it does help but I should have maybe done it when he was younger though, so maybe for you?
I know what it feels like to lose it and the guilt you feel after. That can be depressing all on its own. From what I have read, we are not alone in dealing with ADHD kids.
I just go day by day, sometimes that is very hard.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several attack me at once. :)

I can't say much about the karate thing since Steven has no intrest in going, and I don't want to force him since I doubt that would help matters. Have you tried any form of therapy? We've got play therapy going now and it really seems to be helping.

Hi Emma :)

I am so sorry to hear you having such a terrible time. I am not sure exactly what advice I can offer (I am new to ADH and I am awaiting evalution of my son to see if he has it or not) but I have suffered from depression and can understand how you are feeling...(hugs).

I was diagnosed with Postnatal depression after the birth of my son (he is now 8 1/2) and was prescribed antidepressants for one year. I am not sure what caused your depression, but please know that it will get better. How long have you been feeling depressed? Have you been to see a counsellor / therapist? Perhaps just talking about how you are feeling will help? I did physological therapy for 6 months and this helped me immensly. In fact I think this was the main factor which contributed to my final recovery.

With respect to enrolling your son in karate or judo, this may help him to channel his energies in a more positive way. Have you also thought about other sports, like football or basketball etc? My son did Tie Kwon Do for about 4 months and then got fed up with it. I did notice however, that it had an opposite effect and made him more boisterous (I guess he wanted to "show off" his new found skills - LOL!). It certainly wouldn't hurt to try it out, at the end of the day if you see it isn't suiting him you can always call it a day. Then, perhaps you could consider something else, finally you may find something that he really likes. I guess it's just a matter of trial and error.

We experienced the same problems with our son sleeping with us - this continued up until he was 5, so don't feel too bad. It is so hard when you are exhausted, depressed and anxious to enforce sleeping rules....I've been there :o However, having said that, maybe it is time to slowly start changing his sleeping habits. What we did to break the habit was that we put him to sleep in our bed and then started sitting next to him in a chair and holding his hand until he fell asleep (so we are not actually falling asleep with him / next to hiim). We stuck to this for a week or so and then gradually started moving our chair further and further away from our bed, each night. Once we got to the bedroom door we told him that when he was alseep we would move him to his own bed. This worked quite well, but took a lot of patience.

We tried just putting him in his own bed and letting him cry and scream it out but he just continued and I ended up getting frustrated / cross and he ended up in a total state.

Lastly, please do not feel guilty about "losing it" or getting frustrated, we are human beings and sometimes our kids really do push us in the wrong directions. You are a great Mum and are doing your best - hence you have come here for advice and are trying to find a solution. You have a lot on your plate and you are trying to raise your son whilst battling depression, I know how hard that can really be.

Take care and let us know how it goes...

Tash :)

Emma,

my daughter is 10 yrs old and i enrolled her into Karate at the age of 8 thinking that it would help her. she did great for a year or so, and then when she got to the higher ranking belts she became frustrated. the higher ranking you are in Karate they more they expect the kids to be serious and have a very high respect for what they do. I think it was too much for her. She had a hard time being quite in class and standing still. i would find her fidgeting on the floor or trying to talk to other classmates, and her master would always get onto her. She eventually asked me if she could quit, so I removed her from the class. It might work for your son. It just depends on him. I say it's worth a try. Good Luck and hang in there. Some days are worse than others. Just take a deep breath and remember we are all they have. Stay Strong!

Emma,
I recommend looking into the Dore program. It has helped my daughter tremdously and she is not even half way done with it yet. Your son is just 5 and must be 7 before beginning it but it will sure give you time to research it and if you decide to do it, give you such hope for the future.
I also highly recommend a parenting program called 'Love and Logic'. There are threads for both Dore and L&L on this forum. Both of these programs have greatly enhanced my life!

This comes from a slightly different angle but has a bit of parental experience behind it so here goes.

Firstly, from what I understand ADHD has a genetic element in it and it is therefore likely that one parent may well have the genetic marker and possibly have survived happily and confidently using well developed life strategies until kid(s) come along. The parent(s) then find that dealing with a lively and possibly ADHD child knocks the life strategies for six and the parent then becomes stressed, anxious and depressed because they are "not coping" with what other parents seem able to. My own ADD behaviours and issues came to the fore after the birth of our second child when I developed something very similar to post natal depression which is kinda unusual in a guy.

Even after 10 years of parenting my partner still cannot get her head around just how difficult I find being in the presence of two children....one child I'm fine....two kids mental meltdown!

Trying to describe what happens in my brain it is obvious she can't understand it..but now I've found out about Adult ADHD things are alot clearer....I'm just different and my brain just goes south when confronted with a screaming child....sorry but I just have to leave the room. Hardly surprising mental exhaustion ensues.

Thus we have had to develop our own parenting style, taking what seems to work for us with our children and follow it adjusting it as they grow older. To outsiders it probably appears very odd and it is obvious that other mums think that my partner is married to an unreconstructed misogynist and constantly try to give her advice to bring me to heel. If one or both parents have undiagnosed ADHD then conventional western parenting styles are likely to lead to considerable mental hardship and possible marital breakdown.

There is a huge amount of cultural conditioning in modern western parenting, and this is particularly evident in the "own room" thing. Even one generation ago for young children to have their own room was extremely unusual and the mark of a family with considerable wealth. Our kids were in the same room (but not same bed) as us for a long time. To some extent this was forced on us by circumstance (house extension/alterations required) but it seems to have made things much easier.

My eldest used to have the most earsplitting rages and tantrums but once she was past the point of no return she was isolated until she apologised. We set strong boundaries and if they were crossed action was taken. Once the child had calmed down hugs were given and life carried on as before. It would have been difficult for us if we had used childminders as we would not have known what the childminders supervisory style was or what was occurring when neither of us was present.

Even though people get a bit evangelical about the influence or not of foodstuffs etc on ADHD behaviours is obvious from my daughters behaviour that highly sugared, coloured foodstuffs affect her mood dramatically.

We also have fairly frequent one to one talks with the kids about "interpersonal relationships" as my daughter in particular has found the fickle playground "bestest friend" thing difficult to handle and caused her much frustration.

I am lucky in that I have a very generous and selfless spouse willing to take on considerably more than the "normal" amount of parenting. without that support I probably wouldn't be writing this with the smell of supper wafting up the stairs and my kids happily chattering away downstairs. while life is not easy we're still just hanging in there together.



kilt

Thanks for all the advice. We are checking out a judo class tomorrow night - hopefully the boys will like what they see and want to take it up. Part of it is for me - it'll give me a whole hour of child-free time!
I have spent yet another evening fighting them both, trying to keep them quiet whilst my night-shift husband tried to get some sleep.
I'm trying really hard not to lose it, but it's impossible.
I have bought the love and logic books (both the parenting one and the teaching one) but, along with lots of other ADHD books, they are sitting on my shelf unread. I find it hard to make any real changes when i am feeling so low myself.
We have just started a new sticker chart which seems to have made a bit of a difference, but I don't know how long it'll last.
I have just had to shut my five-year-old in his bedroom for the 5th time this evening, or his brother is likely to do him some damage.
Sorry, I know I'm waffling, but sometimes it helps just to get it all out. I really just can't imagine having to live like this for the next 10 - 15 years - then I worry about what the future holds for him.
I watched him go into school this morning and try and get the attention of the other kids. They were basically ignoring him and I just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him. He doesn't understand, and his friends don't understand him. If this is what life is like at 5, what will it be like at 10?
Despite all of his problems, he is, at heart, a very loving little boy. He adores animals and thinks the world of his friends. He just gets very easily over-excited and also very easily wound up, which often turns to aggression.
I just never thought life could be this hard.
Emma

I watched him go into school this morning and try and get the attention of the other kids. They were basically ignoring him and I just wanted to pick him up and cuddle him. He doesn't understand, and his friends don't understand him. If this is what life is like at 5, what will it be like at 10?
Despite all of his problems, he is, at heart, a very loving little boy. He adores animals and thinks the world of his friends. He just gets very easily over-excited and also very easily wound up, which often turns to aggression.
I just never thought life could be this hard.
Emma
I hear you!! I am still going through that with the other kids ignoring him! He just can't keep up with the group discussions etc and it is so sad.
I can't say anything encouraging about it getting better with age as I am still waiting at 13. Its like he is stuck at a 9 yr old maturity for 4 years! This is hard to deal with as I just expect life to become easier as they learn as they mature. Not the case with him so far. The only thing that can be to your advantage is the diagnosis at a younger age.
Also, by finding an encouraging quote or phrase, that just hits you, and it puts things into perspective, helps relieve some of the anxieties etc when getting into that "losing it" mode. Have it printed and placed somewhere you can read it often.
Your definitely not alone!!!

Well they went to judo and really enjoyed it! Hoorah! :)

I've tried to reintroduce some sort of bedtime routine for both of them (things have lapsed a bit lately) and 5-year-old was bathed and in bed at 8. I read him a couple of stories and left him to go to sleep. It is now 9.40 and he is still awake (though he has pretty much stayed in his bedroom and this is definitely progress!).

I think my double dose of anti-depressents is kicking in now as the fog seems to be lifting a little. I am not as despairing as I was!

I am looking forward to going back to work next week and have decided to join a diet and fitness club to get a bit more 'me' time (though it could be difficult with hubby working nights and needing to sleep in the evening!).

Life generally seems a little brighter now (hooray for happy pills!) and although I know we have a mountain to climb, it is a little less daunting!

I cannot thank you all enough for your support - it's great to know I am not alone.

Emma
xxx