Hi,

Does anyone feel detached from people, for instance your part of a family but you find yourself somewhat detached emotionally from them, I mean you know that you should but you don't really feel like it. Alot of my friends suprise me by their utter devotion to their family, "I have to do that because after all it's my sister" that kind of thing, I mean I feel I have to do things but thats only because I like to help all people, it just doesn't seem like they have any preference because they are my family, I mean I feel pretty guilty about this but I feel more connected to my cat than my family, well, apart from one family member, I don't know why, I just do, I have trouble feeling attached to people, but the strange this is I can emphasize with them well, but only over things like MSN and such, it's really strange.

Am I the only one?

My husband has ADD and he has often said the same thing. He doesn't feel particularly connected to anyone and is unable to empathize or feel deep emotions. He used to call himself Mr. Spock (Old Star Trek fans know what I'm talking about). Mr. Spock was all about logic and no emotion.

My husband has ADD and he has often said the same thing.

I tend to deal in logic rather than emotions and I am ADD but so is my sister who is the opposite. She does better with the emotional stuff. She will offer hugs where I feel more in "my element" offering information. We were reared by the same parent we are just different people. I think this detachment if not due to a secondary condition may simply be an individual trait of a person who also happens to have ADD.

When it comes to emotional stuff I do not react with logic because I can not relate. If I "feed into" others emotions I get easily over whelmed so I simply shut my emotions down to prevent reactiveness. If I over react to an emotional situation I am not doing any one any favors. I may be this way due to my profession.


Favors are weighed on my ability to perform them Close friends and family members do get preference over acquaintances, casual friends. The closer the relationship the more convience I am willing to sacrifice. I do have limits to my abilities and personal boundaries which are preset.

I wonder if it could be something from your childhood that makes you shut down emotional attachment to protect yourself maybe....I've also read somewhere that when a childs parents divorce they may show no signs of difference until they are much older but I can't remember what the possible effects were, I'll have to look it up.

My girlfriend says I sometimes to the same thing, that she sees it in my eyes when I just emotionally switch off, I don't realise that I'm doing it but apparently I do, I dunno, like I said maybe it's a defense mechanism.

I know some people find it difficult to feel any emotion and so learn to mimic other peoples emotion so in effect they tend to live through others, they feel what others feel and can't figure out their feelings, when they're alone or go into seclusion they become emotionally numb, it may seem like an extravert's negative quality but it happens to introverts as well.....I dunno, I'm gonna look some stuff up.

As I said I'm kind of the same way, I feel pretty much no emotion, it's extremely rare to see me angry, actually I think I can count the number of times on one hand, I tend to hang around more emotional people and feel through them, it's strange also that when I listen to music I sometimes feel emotions due to the music also when i'm reading things online or communicating with people over text I feel if they are upset, in pain, angry that kinda thing, I actually express that emotion and when I realise it I return to my normal state and try and figure out what emotion I was actually feeling.

Also I have a tendancy to have to weight what just happened and figure out what emotion I'm supposed to be feeling and display it, It seems that any strong emotion I blot out, anger, fear, being upset, being happy, the only thing that seems to get through is when I'm very happy and caught in the moment (which is extremely rare, usually it's caught in my mind) also when I'm laughing.

I've also noticed I enjoy watching commedies that I've seen before with others, I watch them when they laugh, which I'm guessing would indicate that I'm learning their facial expressions or what they find funny, that kinda thing.

One thing that i'm not sure if it's a positive or a negative is that when I get angry and it's a flash of angry it's completely internalised, I feel a wave of anger then I get a mental image of me doing something aggressive for example I accidently dropped and smashed my favourite plate (which I had not idea was my favourite plate at the time but I'm guessing it has to be from such a strong emotion) I then had an extremely strong mental movie of me drawing my arm up and punching the door frame which I was standing next to, it was over after a second and the angry just litterally disappared as quickly as possible, to which I felt happy that I experienced an emotion....lil puzzling to be honest but there you go, I seem to envision my anger than act on it, as a result no one has seen me in instant anger, it just gets completely compartmentalised.

The only type of anger that ever gets through this mental barrier/shield/blockage is a build up of frustrastion which leads to anger, I'm guessing it's becuase it's a consistant build up of outside factors and so the anger is expressed externally rather than being caught, but thats just a guess.

Sorry I couldn't be any help, I'm gonna look around see if I can find anything about it but you've definately peeked my interest.

Dx

dimension x...you just described me. I have often been called emotionless. I usually have a smile on my face though but aparently my eyes tell a different story. I also try and work out what emotion I should be having at a certain time.
I also get frustrated at things and get hot and imagine smashing something, but never let my anger out.

Yes I am similar to that in some ways myself, I am in therapy doing empathy training because mine is more due to the feature of Antisocial Personality Disorder that I have left over from my younger years, I am almost in full remission from that though because I felt guilt a couple of years ago for the first time.

I used to find it easier to make attachments with people. I think I still could do it, but I've been burned so many times. I always seem to be the one who loves more than my partner, so this becomes a vulnerability, and it has been exploited more than once. It's a shame I must now be so guarded. But that's how it is.

I think ADDers are capable of maintaining extremely close, intimate relationships if their partners are willing to accept that there are some things that will probably never change. That they cannot "fix" us. That they should not harbor a private adgenda for "improving" us. I now have a "required reading" list for relationship candidates to digest. If they are not up to the task of becoming knowledgeable about my ADD and all that it implys, then they are not serious enough for me to invest one scintilla of emotional energy on them.

my girlfriend made me read a book, for the most part it annoyed me not that she made me read it, it was more that the majority of stuff that was in there was common sense, also there were some social mistakes in there, things that they said to do when it would really annoy whoever that person was talking too, admittedly they did get a lot of it right but a couple of the things that I saw as incorrect was pretty big.


Saying to a person theres not a chance that you could understand without reading a book, you have to read it otherwise we can't be together, well, it can hurt the person your with, undermining the persons empathy of love for you (I'm a bit of an exception in the way that i take in information and process it with my emotions alot later), I dunno, if the person is utterly clueless and wouldn't mind then maybe it would be a good thing, obviously if it's just gonna be a brief thing then don't bother.

It's just difficult to say, it depends on the person, the current situation and the potential effects.

What you said here:

That they should not harbor a private adgenda for "improving" us.
It's completely correct, but it doesn't just apply to ADDer's I think it applies to every potential relationship, you should expect that the person will stay the way they are, accept or learn to live with their current faults, if you can do that then you are pretty set in the relationship because from then on, any habbit that they change without you having to constantly badger them that they make will only make your relationship stronger.

In essence it's like a movie that you want to watch, if all you do is keep building it up in you mind it's only going to disappoint you when you go to see it.

Hope what I've said helps in some way although I didn't say much.

Dx

I don't know about anyone else with ADHD but people often try to flirt with me and I ignore it completely, I think it's annoying sometimes, like I wan't to be left alone, I have had this problem my whole life, in high school I dressed gothic so people would leave me alone and it did the total opposite, I was like Mr. Popular, it drove me nuts, I am not really attractive or at least I don't think so, I have the type of appearance that I can use to my advantage but it must be something else, probably the hyperactivity, it occupies peoples attention when I am as "disruptive" as I tend to be. It's like I am model material the way I get bothered sometimes.

Well count me in the 'unfeeling' camp so to speak.

Speaking for myself, I find it more comforting to see the logic in someone's behaviour rather than simmering in whatever emotion it may be. It gives me a sense of control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation. I also find emotional responses, unless we're talking about something rational like a big life changing event, well.. useless. What am I supposed to do with the anger, saddness, etc.? All it does it leaves me worn out, with nothing accomplished. What's to stop it from happening again.

After years and years of being depressed, feeling frustrated, stupid, inferior, etc. I just don't want to be like that. This time I'm in control, and quite frankly I'd like to keep that. I can't control the actions of others, but I can certainly try to figure them out.

I figure I've put in my dues, and now I'm entitled to some peace in my life.

That they should not harbor a private adgenda for "improving" us. I now have a "required reading" list for relationship candidates to digest. If they are not up to the task of becoming knowledgeable about my ADD and all that it implys, then they are not serious enough for me to invest one scintilla of emotional energy on them.

and if the person is dyslexic and has a hard time reading wouldn't your reading list be placing some one in the same box you your self despise?

Just because one would have problems reading a list of books doesn't mean they do not care. I admire your desire to let some one know what they are getting into and I also agree many NTers try to change us into what they think we should be. However my escape from a "the unreasonable expectation box" should not be at the expectation of another being placed into one of my making. Gary could read every book written on the subject of ADD and still not understand how mine affects me as a person.


Gary has learn a heap about ADD and has never cracked one book - he has a visual processing problem where is eyes do not work together. This makes reading very difficult for him. His visual difference shows his reading down more than my dyslexia does me. I would like to add that his reading problem hasn't prevented him from learning about ADD. . . if one is around my family for longer than thirty minutes they will learn about ADD. Gary not only knows I have the condition he is even s.....l...o...w......l..y.....getting the not so subtle hint he himself has it. . . and it isn't all bad any more than it is all good. . . ADD simply is and I am ADHD. It doesn't take 350 pages of reading to learn that. Personally I would rather some one take the time and interest to learn about me than to read an entire library of books about my conditions. This is naturally only my personal preference I understand it may not apply to another.

I don't mind some one having personal boundaries and we all enter into a relationship with certain expectations ---> The most useful direction to exert emotional energy is in the area of honesty with self and others --->one can not be truthful with another if they can not first be truthful with them selves. Each person should have personal boundaries in place which allow one to protect them selves from being emotionally violated while also being capable of respecting another's personal boundaries. The best teacher is time - taking time to get to know each other Making the effort to learn what a potential partner expects from the relationship and weather or not the boundaries each has in place is compatible.

I do not want anyone telling me how to be me nor is it my place to tell another individual how to be. There are certain behaviors I find toxic like dishonesty, stealing and substance abuse. I can not control any one but me therefore if Gary decided to return to alcohol abuse then it is his right to do so how ever it is my right to distance myself from him and change my relationship to him which includes my right to exit the relationship. He posses those same rights but neither one of us posses the right to tell the other person how to be. We do not try to change the other person although we have both undergone several self modifications in ourselves in order to extend the same consideration for our partners as we would like them to extend.

meadd823 expectation #1

Any relationship with me is and always will be a two way street. . .period

After years and years of being depressed, feeling frustrated, stupid, inferior, etc. I just don't want to be like that.

However not all emotions are bad ones.There is the feeling of being loved, accepted, feeling of ecstasy and awe. There are feeling of excitement and feelings of achievement. It seem like if one detaches themselves completely from emotions then the good emotions would be blocked along with the bad.

I just don't want to be like that.

Some thing I did not learn until my forth decade in life - just because one feels inferior or even stupid doesn't make them either. I felt like the family dunce for years because of my LD and ADD - I discovered a couple of years a ago that was NOT how I was being perceived by my family at all - what I thought was inaccurate, my family thought the opposite of what I thought they did.

Now the RRReal **tch = I lived in a self made emotional hell of my own making - I lived where I did not belong. It wasn't the emotions that caused my imprisonment it was my perspective. I didn't want to deal with my feeling for decades so I didn't. . . .my negative emotional avoidance cost me DECADES I will NEVER get that time back . . . .merely a personal experience I wanted to share.

Hi,

Does anyone feel detached from people, for instance your part of a family but you find yourself somewhat detached emotionally from them, I mean you know that you should but you don't really feel like it. Alot of my friends suprise me by their utter devotion to their family, "I have to do that because after all it's my sister" that kind of thing, I mean I feel I have to do things but thats only because I like to help all people, it just doesn't seem like they have any preference because they are my family, I mean I feel pretty guilty about this but I feel more connected to my cat than my family, well, apart from one family member, I don't know why, I just do, I have trouble feeling attached to people, but the strange this is I can emphasize with them well, but only over things like MSN and such, it's really strange.

Am I the only one?nope, you are not alone ..I'm pretty much the same

ps..someone told me I show no empathy..well, I looked it up , and she was quite right..LOL..so I really worked on it...I actually can do it to those I really want to/like, but I basically show no emapthy normally..I have no idea why...