View Full Version : Ok....i may be bipolar?


Sperlda1030
10-04-07, 04:16 PM
I've been seeing a psych now for about 4 weeks, and told him my whole grim story. He believes I am a classic ADD (not ADHD apparently) and bipolar / ptsd. I tried cymbalta, which gave me every side effect under the sun, then he put me on 20mg Ritalin per day, titrated up to 40 this week.

He also put me on Lamictal, which so far combined with the ritalin makes me very sleepy. I had to take a leave of absence from my work as a result of a variety of problems with my business partner, and major depression as a result of a variety of life issues (financial, and otherwise) I also lost 13 close friends and my dog (last month) in the last 18 months, which combined with the stress of running a new company, financial pressure, stress at home, alcohol and drug abuse, and physical illness has taken me to some very bad places in my mind and is causing severe manic episodes within my head, but have been keeping it out of everyone elses world as much as possible.

I have been having suicidal thoughts now for the better part of the year, but have had no intention of carying them out. I also had ( dont get freaked) homicidal thoughts as well toward people who have been doing me wrong throughout the year. I have not acted on them either, in fact, have made it a point to discuss these thoughts and feelings with my close friends and family members to clear my head.

So far, the meds are working to some degree, i've cut back significantly on my extracurricular "self medication" and am trying to give this treatment a chance. (I quit all meds around 1994 and at that time went into "the program" and was sober for 4 years. The meetings oddly enough, convinced me that I didn't have a problem, and i went into a moderation program of my own design. Only recenly (in the last couple years) have i found myself partying more and more to mask my illness.

I don't know why I'm prattling on here, but something tells me it could be cathartic. Anyway, thanks for listening. I'll try and stay on top of this forum as so far I have met some really supportive people.

If I may make an observation though, I have become concerned asking other people with similar issues as it seems everyone wants to talk about their own illnesses, and although, their experiences are similar, I have doubts about how theraputic reading about and hearing about others illnesses is. I don't know. Sorry. I don't mean to offend anyone, just making an observation.

I am one of these people who gets wrapped up/involved in others problems and end up more concerned for them, then for myself. It's been a big problem for me historically, if that makes any sense....anyway....thanks again... I'm really not a pompous ***, I just have to start worrying more about me, and worrying less about others I think...I dunno....sigh.

Spongedaddy
10-04-07, 05:11 PM
Hello and sorry to hear you are suffering. I am glad to hear that you are taking steps to help yourself. It is a long road that can seem very overwhelming, but if you can focus on the current step you can be okay.

Usually the meds are not enough and lifestyle changes are needed especially if your lifestyle involves massive triggers. Have you thought about making some changes? Also have you looked into any of the good books like Bipolar Disorder Survival guide or Bipolar Handbook? It might help to read more about it.

"If I may make an observation though, I have become concerned asking other people with similar issues as it seems everyone wants to talk about their own illnesses, and although, their experiences are similar, I have doubts about how theraputic reading about and hearing about others illnesses is. I don't know. Sorry. I don't mean to offend anyone, just making an observation."

Often the reason it is helpful is so people don't feel like they are alone. True at the surface there are going to be differences between us, but at the foundation of BP a lot of it is the same. Plus many times people with BP tend to feel isolated and alone with their condition. Heating about others with a shared feeling.experience helps with that alone feeling.

I hope you feel better.

Crazy~Feet
10-04-07, 06:54 PM
Welcome to the ADDF Cycling Team. I can see why you'd have situational depression on top of everything else! :faint: That's a LOT of loss for one person in a fairly short period of time. I am very sorry to hear this happened to you.

Lamictal is inclined to be mild to moderately sedating especially when you first start the process of titrating up. It can be that way every time you take a step up, too, I know it was for me. I am currently on 300mgs a day and it no longer makes me drowsy. These meds can take a LOT of time to adjust to.

That's one of the things we do for each other when you are a member of the Cycling Team. We are each other's cheerleaders through the good, the bad, and the ugly that comes along with this illness. :)

"If I may make an observation though, I have become concerned asking other people with similar issues as it seems everyone wants to talk about their own illnesses, and although, their experiences are similar, I have doubts about how theraputic reading about and hearing about others illnesses is. I don't know. Sorry. I don't mean to offend anyone, just making an observation."

I think if you stick around a bit, you'll see how we operate and maybe come to trust us a bit to give support as well as ask for it. Please give us a chance to be here for you, just as we are here for anybody who asks us to stand with them. This is a devoted bunch here.

A lot of what we do is to compare our own experiences with others', but rest assured, if you start a thread it will remain yours...THE KAZEKAGE HAS SPOKEN.:cool:

Matt S.
10-06-07, 10:23 AM
There are a lot of us here all of different flavors (i.e. Bipolar II's who'd cycle constantly or Bipolar I's who get floridly psychotic) there's a title for us all, The cycling team. We're always welcoming new members

Sperlda1030
10-08-07, 12:07 AM
Thanks everyone.... I really do appreciate the input and support.

The last week has been an absolute nightmare with regard to my business and my partner, so I have been hold up here in an almost paralytic state mentally. I have been getting out and doing things, trying to have fun, but have been dreading the various phone calls and emails which have been coming at alarming frequency.. money is a huge issue as my partner spent all of it, forclosure lawsuits and bankrupsy are very possible upcoming events, I haven't slept a full night now in about two weeks from the stress of it all, and it has finally come to a point where my partner and other executive team have resigned their positions, so I need to go back and run the show on my own.

The meds don't seem to be doing much, but I am sticking with them, as long as I can afford em. (My partner also let our insurance plan lapse, nice guy) and I am on the verge of what feels like a total meltdown. I am hanging in there though, still have some support around me, and who knows, maybe one morning I'll wake up and feel better inside.

Again, thanks for the kind words, and everything. Sorry to dump my pity party on everyone, I'm really not fishing here for support, but it blows my mind that there are still good people on the planet, who actually give a damn, even about total strangers. I am one of those people too, but never seem to meet you in real life. ~Dave

Crazy~Feet
10-08-07, 12:56 AM
Like Matt said, this is the Cycling Team. We have no other motive than to help each other deal with a potentially deadly illness. I don't remember where I read it anymore, but evidentally out of all the people who succeed in committing suicide, we bipolars are in the top ranks. I think those statistics also said that the second highest cause of death among bipolars is suicide.

Good grief, when one of us vanishes...we really and sincerely worry. :(

Bipolars NEED support. Its not a pity party because it does, indeed, suck. ;) Its not selfish to think of yourself first when the BP gets to rolling because we do have to learn the warning signs of a cycle and cope as best we can, before things go too far, and if they do? Then we need to clean up the fallout!

You have an enormous amount of pressure on you right now. I can be triggered into hypomania despite excellent meds by a potent stressor in my life. It occurs to me that maybe you have been pushed too far and gone manic yourself, unless the stress itself is ruining your sleep. Are you feeling bad due to the lack of sleep or do you feel no worse for the lack of it?

I am sure some Cycler here has the info on low-cost meds...guys, can you give this new fellow a link or an 800- number to see about continuing his meds if he can no longer afford them?

Sperlda1030
10-08-07, 09:17 AM
You have an enormous amount of pressure on you right now. I can be triggered into hypomania despite excellent meds by a potent stressor in my life. It occurs to me that maybe you have been pushed too far and gone manic yourself, unless the stress itself is ruining your sleep. Are you feeling bad due to the lack of sleep or do you feel no worse for the lack of it?

I am sure some Cycler here has the info on low-cost meds...guys, can you give this new fellow a link or an 800- number to see about continuing his meds if he can no longer afford them?
I feel bad due to the lack of sleep and because I feel like there is nothing I can do about this entire situation, about the damage my business partner is doing to me, our clients, our employees, and everyone around us. I get a sense of overwhelming helplessness. It kind of grips me and makes me feel unable to even get up and do something about it. It's like watching a train wreck or a car crash, or actually, more like watching your spouse get raped or assaulted and wanting to do something... anything... but something is pinning you down and making it impossible to stop it, and all you can do it sit and watch as the horror unfolds. If that makes any sense.

Everytime I close my eyes and try to sleep, a screen opens up in my mind and runs through a movie of all of the horrible things going on and I can't stop the movie or soundtrack so to speak through any means at all. It just loops and loops over and over. I tried taking sleep aids, they just make me very tired, but still unable to sleep. I'm exhausted, but managing to pass out for a couple of hours eventually through manual focus on "pleasant" thoughts, like being on the motorcycle, or something similar, but eventually, even these thoughts tie in to the movie and wake me up in soaking wet cold sheets from me sweating tossing and turning, for example, the nice motorcycle images turn into the bank calling and threatening to reposess the motorcycle for being two months over due on payment, and no way to pay.

It's very hard to get away from these thoughts and is kind of eating me alive. I see how this can be a deadly illness. I guess if I'm in a cycle, the cycle is downward right now. I wish I had some happy pills or something right now that could make this all just go away, even if just for a few hours. I watched John Wayne movies last night until 4am, they eventually put me to sleep for a couple hours.

http://addforums.com/forums/images/smilies/frown.gifhttp://addforums.com/forums/images/smilies/faint.gif

~boots~
10-08-07, 09:19 AM
hugs
xxx
I am sure things will get better

Sperlda1030
10-09-07, 01:16 AM
Thanks Tracy..I believe you are right.

hugs
xxx
I am sure things will get better