I have been puzzling the last couple of weeks over why, since the time I began looking for a diagnosis and treatment for what I'm sure is Adult Inattentive ADHD, my ability to function hasn't increased -- as I expected it to do as a result of the happy anticipation of help coming at last -- but has actually bottomed out instead. I've lost all interest in work, and haven't been doing a lot around the house either. I have quite a number of friends, but for the most part haven't had a lot of contact with them either.

This morning it came to me that one possibility might be a growing resentment towards the coping strategies which I have developed over the last half-century. By many standards, I've had an exciting and successful life. When things have gone wrong, usually as I know now due to the drag of ADHD, I have been extremely skillful in laying those failures at the feet of extenuating circumstances. All of these excuses (at least, so far as I know) are very convincing and plausible.

In other ways, I've compensated by taking on tasks which I know I will excel at, avoiding even ordinary tasks that I know I would do badly at, and "ruffling my feathers" like a showy bird of paradise to distract attention from the rather startlingly large gaps of competence in my life.

All of these coping strategies have painted me into a corner. The people who know me find it difficult to believe that I might be ADHD.

What hurts me the most is that those gaps of competence show up as faults of character which I regret as much as anyone else or more. My difficulty in attending to my friends, for instance, simply because when they're out of my sight they seem to be out of my mind, makes me appear to be very superficial and self-centered. Yet, when I'm with some and when I have the energy my first impulse is to care for my friends, not ignore them.

To my regret, I've set up a pattern of making promises to my friends when I'm with them, making plans, and then almost always not fulfilling them. It's amazing that I still have any friends at all.

My disinterest in long-standing pieces of work or other projects, or even my poor garden, makes me look as though I just can't be bothered to work, makes me look lazy and careless. Yet, when I have the energy to work I get great pleasure out of my projects, and great pride out of the finished results.

My disinterest in housework -- particularly dusting, sorting papers, and keeping things in order -- makes it look as though I like living in a shabby house. But when I have the energy, my idea of the perfect house is warm and clean and tidy, although it would still be cluttered with books.

What did my coping strategies to for me all these years? I think what's making me angry right now is that my coping strategies increased my functionality just over the threshold so that I look merely careless and thoughtless rather than disabled. And if I merely lazy and careless, then I don't need diagnosis or help -- I just need a good swift kick. Right?

Well, that makes sense, at least to me. And just writing about this has made me angry all over again. But I have enough detachment to be able to look at this and start laughing.

Ducky
had lotsa kicks already, thanks

I COMPLETELY IDENTIFY WITH WHAT YOU'RE DESCRIBING, how you're feeling, etc.!!!

One thing that DIDN'T help me when I was starting out researching this ADHD possibility and trying to figure out where to find help (an evaluation, diagnosis, treatment and such) was discussing my hunch that I had ADHD with OTHERS!!! Weird - because it's a HEALTHY action to take when one is concerned about their health. HOWEVER - for all of the reasons you so eloquently mentioned - discussing my possibly having ADHD just made me look like a whiny, complaining, responsibility-shirking hypochondriac!!!!

Unfortunately H.D. - I'm afraid sometimes we do BETTER travelling this journey in cognito. Capisce?


Sue

Maybe you're right about that, but what I had hoped for was to offer something -- some kind of illumination to my friends as to why I had let them down so often.

Perhaps what happened is that they had long ago used their own coping mechanisms to somehow rationalize staying friends with me! :D

...and of course, in the absence of medication or other effective treatment I don't have a "new me" to lay at their feet as proof of anything.

I could've taken the easy way out long ago, and decide that I neglected my friends because I really did not care about them -- but somehow I could never quite convince myself.

Ducky

and i think about my every action and reaction and whether it's ADD or not. i at first thought this was a great thing and that i could get treatment and blossom and finally become successful and truly maximize my potential. now i am just kind of depressed about it all and feeling disabled and alien to those around me. i haven't yet found any meds that have been especially helpful, though the ritalin i just started taking does seem to have an effect. i'll have to see if it makes a difference long-term. even if it does, i feel like there is no magical 100% solution and i'm unlikely ever to be truly 'normal' and won't be able to really be successful in this modern world that really makes having ADD so difficult.

i've heard these feelings are common among ADD adults, and that you can expect to go through many stages after diagnosis. which makes sense since we've just been told that how we are is a disorder and that we are in fact not like everyone else in many ways. i take comfort in the fact that there are a fairly large number of people with ADD in varying degrees (though still a small minority overall) and that everyone exhibits certain ADD tendencies at one time or another. But I went from being elated to now feeling like all of a sudden I have to fight some disease that, though I have apparently always had, I am only now aware of. And it only now bothers me. And I've become obssessed with thinking about it. It's like what you don't know can't hurt you (however, apparently not knowing in this case actually CAN hurt you).

I am hoping I will learn to incorporate this into my life and eventually be ok with it and get to a point where I don't think about it constantly. But I don't like the idea of having to take another medication for most of the rest of my days just to keep up with everyone else. And I don't like the realization that most jobs and modern life itself are not ADD-friendly.

hollyduck I have another perspective on your friends - maybe to them you are not abnormal at all. How you are is normal for you and they have accepted you as you are broken promises and all. Maybe they know you mean well and want to when you make those promises and that is close enough for them.


ADD is seen as disordered and to them you have always been as you are so you could not possible be disordered because you are what is normal for you.
Naturally this would not be some thing they may know consciously or have sat down to analyze. It is easier for them to say you do not have ADD because {insert reason} because many time people who do not have ADD or do not have family / friends with ADD do not actually know what ADD is. May even several who have become members here have always pictured ADD as being some hyperactive boy in constant motion and are not aware that ADD has different expressions. They may not want to be educated because they do not what to change their perception of you which would endanger a comfortable and stable relationship. Most people { read NTers} will stick with the known tried and true before challenging the unknown

Just a passing thought that is all.

I'm finding the closer I get to a diagnosis the worse my life becomes. Talked it over with the therapist and his opinion was that my psyche has relaxed and isn't putting the usual huge effort into various coping strategies to keep me functioning.

kilt

hollyduck I have another perspective on your friends - maybe to them you are not abnormal at all. How you are is normal for you and they have accepted you as you are broken promises and all. Maybe they know you mean well and want to when you make those promises and that is close enough for them.
Yeah, this sounds about right. Mom has called me "scatterbrained" for decades, friends call me forgetful, overly ambitious, disorganized, etc.

If those are unchangeable character traits then you could see them as endearing flaws (assuming the rest of me is endearing ;).)

But if they are correctable settings, like the channel setting or the treble/bass on a stereo, would anyone leave the stero tuned just slightly off-channel? or with the treble cranked to dog-whistle levels?

I'll settle for "endearing" right now, but I know I have never been satisfied with those settings, even if my friends are.

Ducky

Oh hollyduck I would never discourage any one from seeking to improve them selves, I think we are all a work in progress.

I was simply seeing their comments from a different perspective and offering it up as a possibility to be considered.

Thanks. Your perspectives are always useful. I guess I just get tired of people comforting me by telling me either "I love you just as you are" or "well, you're retired -- why bother to upgrade now?"

I betcha they don't "love me just as I am" the third or thirtieth time I forget an appointment. I sure don't.

Ducky
full of latte this morning. Yay!