View Full Version : Frustrations

02-04-04, 11:38 AM
This morning I got woken up by my wife, over the phone, because she knew that the alarm clock would not be enough to wake me up on its own.

She reminded me of everything I have to do this morning, which is good, because if she didn't, I would not have remembered on my own.

One of these things is to write her a letter giving her permission to access all of my student loan files and stuff... because I have let them slide and now we are in collections and I can't seem to get my crap together with them.

Another of these things was to remember to take my pills.

All of these are GOOD things. But I feel myself slowly regressing to the point where she is the parent in the house and I am, if not a child... a passenger, if you see what I mean. She has 1 1/2 full time jobs, and does all the driving, AND has launched a workout routine to lose weight, AND takes care of all the bills and paperwork, AND does most of the cooking and food shopping...

I feel terribly guilty about this.

I try to do chores and things to contribute. What I really need is to find full time work again. But I haven't been able to hack it anywhere so far. And I will undoubtedly have to give up one or both of the (finally) tolerable jobs I have now to do it. And it is highly unlikely that even if I find full time work tomorrow I will be being paid anywhere near what she is being paid.

And I am FRIGING sick right now... coughs, sneezes, headache, terrible joint and muscle aches. Result of working security in a hospital, terrible weather, and not eating and sleeping properly, I am sure...


02-04-04, 11:55 AM
The true test of a good spouse, IMHO, is one who is WILLING to see the other through the hard times, no matter how long. Would you do it for her, if you were able? Of course, so stop feeling bad about that and put the energy into finding a job. Let go of any preconceived notions about what type of job you SHOULD have and find one that gives a paycheck. I hope you feel better, body and soul!:)

02-04-04, 12:11 PM
I am with you. FG gave great advice. I do not have any I just wanted to know that my thoughts are with you. Hope you feel better mentally and physically soon

02-04-04, 05:26 PM

I worked two jobs to make ends meet when my husband was injured in a accident, he could not perform any household chores nor could he help with the kids due to his injuries. So, besides working two jobs, the house, the kids, I also had to take care of his needs. And NEVER EVER once did I feel badly towards him. Right now you are having a "injured" moment and are trying to find your balance again. You should feel lucky your wife sound's like an amazing person to be so supportive of you,,,NOT guilt--hasn't there been a time when you carried the weight?

50/50 has no given terms. Right now you are having a hard time; so your wife gives 70 percent; but, there has to be a time you carried more of the weight while she rested her mind, body and soul. We all have our limit's. Your only making thing's worse on yourself by beating yourself up.

And I can tell you this had my husband told me he is having a hard time with guilt and stress at work right now I never would have come down on him so hard; but, I would have known why I felt so alone in dealing with our son. And would have understood.

p.s. food for thought
guilt=stress=heart disease=wife with NO help at all=kids suffering and missing out. So, take care of yourself just make sure your wife knows how much you appreciate you and love her.

02-04-04, 06:11 PM
Paul: I feel for you too.....Remember that ADD/ADHD is an illness -- not a moral issue....and I truly believe most of your struggles are a result of the ADD.....

At work just now, by the way, I had to ask for extra "tutoring" and explanations regarding a particular was kind of embarrassing...and I felt like a child, etc. a loser, etc....

BUT Paul someday your wife may need YOUR help.....You never know what might happen in the future where you are put in a position to be the "stronger" person....and not your wife....

Things do change....Nothing is forever....and perhaps just humbley accepting the help is the best way to go....:)

Good luck with the job search......You will find something you can hack.....Perhaps figure out what type of job you could actually DO fulltime...and look for that......

Hang in there Paul.....:)

02-04-04, 11:54 PM
Thanks all. I appreciate the support. I think I've just got a touch of the bi-polar in me as well... and when I'm down, I'm really down, if you know what I mean...

02-05-04, 12:01 AM
Paul, so glad you posted. You are a very self honest person, which says alot. Keep your eyes and ears open for things you can put in your mental filing cabinet. I find that when I am doing my worst so to speak, if I keep my eyes and ears open for ways to do bette,h I am doing something towards my own self healing so to speak. For instance, writing that paper, is doing alot towards getting done what needs to be done. Secondly, when you think of something like, oh wow, I feel like cooking, even though its three am, cook and freeze it ,one less meal she has to cook etc. Also i am more awake at night, i do things like make lunches for the kids, clean the bathroom, write letters (!) etc. Why not work with who and what you already ARE, because thats who she fell in love with to begin with. If your up at 3 am and think, hey I bet honey would love to wake up to hard boiled eggs, boil some eggs with the timer set on the pc etc. Work with who you are, not who you think you should be or could be or would be.... I also think when I am feeling my worst to drop someone a line or write a short letter telling them i am thinking about them and how i love them etc, helps to keep me grateful and feeling useful.
When we are physically ill, its even harder to feel ok with who we are or what we are, so remember right now all you have to worry about is meds, that one job ( say the letter or what ever) and lots of sleep and good food. Everything about you that you want to change will still be there when youre done being sick. Youre allowed to be isnt a choice :)

There is a book called fredrick, by leo Leoni. i adored this book as a child and still do as an adult. Everyone thought Fredrick was a lazy mouse as they prepared for winter hauling food into the stone wall while he sat with his eyes closed seeming to dream and sleep. but he was gathering colors anc words and pictures for those cold winter days. And when the time came to use his supplies, the other mice were better because of them.They made the cold not so cold, the days not so long and the grey skies not so grey. We are the artists, the lovers, the comforters etc. our works and supplies are no less important than the food and water others bring.

02-05-04, 12:18 AM
Thank you for that Lafnalot. That was straight out of Chicken Soup for the Soul, if you know what I mean. (Seriously--I hope this doesn't sound sarcastic!)

You've brightened my day with your response. Thanks. :D

P.S. I work in a bookstore. I'm going to look up that book.