View Full Version : Waiter, check please


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Spongedaddy
10-19-07, 05:42 PM
Today we had trouble with my son at school and there is no way to avoid the fact that he has ADHD. To what extent and how much alternative programs can help him, I don't know. What I do know is that with all the stressors/triggers going on and being in the middle of a depressive cycle, I feel like one more thing and I am done...just to clarify I mean break down not get out of bed or want to deal anything done not physically harm myself done. I really don't have any family ouside of my wife and kids and there is no one to talk to so I come here to my forum friends knowing they will understand.

I am on the verge of tears here...I have always been the strong one and I know I will make it through this, but right now it really feels like I am carrying the maximum emotional weight that this vehicle allows.

Thanks for listening friends.

FrazzleDazzle
10-19-07, 07:21 PM
I read your other post too, in the parents section. I feel your pain, sponge. Seems "normal" life with ADHD (-BP) has its extreme ups and downs. This week was really rough over here too.

It will get better - Gah!, you've probably heard that a gabillion times, sorry.

If there is anything I can offer you for advice on alternative programs (you had mentioned Dore on the other thread) just jingle me. I may have some ideas to help with your son if you are interested.

Thinking aboutcha.......
-FrazzleD
(don't the name saz it all???)

justhope
10-23-07, 10:49 AM
I'm sorry I didn't get in here Sponge....playing with those stupid pictures...my newest obsession...I said I needed to get a hobby...and we know us BP's do nothing we like...to a normal degree....LOL


Sweetie...I am sorry but I so know where you are.
I went through that with Keenan. Heck I went through that with Keenan his entire life..it just snowballed last year. I thought isn't it enough I hade to deal with this damn thing for myself...now this kid ..and he's 10 times worse than I am....

I somehow made it? I know now it was due to the meds and support ...
I am thinking you made it, since I see you still here. We all have days we just want to curl up and hide..or die...but we manage to keep going.

I am glad you keep coming here, I know this was a constant lifeline for me then. I don't have family here either, and not many folks to talk to. It was nice to come here and unload...and have others who understood.

Have you gotten your son in for a diagnoses? If not, get him in...getting him leveled out as soon as possible is going to help your sanity...never mind keep him from going through what my son did. I continue to believe, had we have gotten his BP diagnoses earlier...we might have been able to save him from most of the damage ......and watch for the signs of BP too my friend...I know you don't want to hear it, but it's something you will need to be mindful of...and keep on top of. I am watching my youngest now...he does so much better in every area in comparision to Kee, but there is something lurking there below the surface...something that seems familiar and "mom" like...

Keep in touch and let us know...

Matt S.
10-23-07, 11:50 AM
I don't have children so I am probably not much help there, but I am here for support and I am PM material too. (I have this paranoid thing that the cycling team PM each other all of the time and don't PM me, I am a young guy but I have dealt with bipolar/ADD for 20 years so I am a vet.)

justhope
10-23-07, 02:21 PM
Matt...you crack me up....:eyebrow: :faint: :D

Spongedaddy
10-23-07, 02:55 PM
Thanks. Tonight is our quarterly dinner followed by an all day meeting tomorrow. I think I will get up at the table and say "I have BP so no one f with me."

Seriously thought I am thinking about telling HR about my condition and treatment. My company screws people over all the time and I want to at least cover myself so they don't try to put me in another situation that is dangerous to my health.

Matt S.
10-23-07, 03:44 PM
What? I was just saying that I am here for support, paranoid or not, I am a Cycling Veteran, Hope, and if there is one thing I can do it's probably help some confused parents understand their children because I was diagnosed right off, and with the school, the problem probably still to this day is that nobody really asks the child, they discredited the input of the child back when I was a kid and if they had taken the time to ask me for my input in a lot of situations a lot of issues could've been prevented.

Mister Crash
10-24-07, 10:19 AM
Such decredit of children's or adolesant's input or oppinion still happens to this day. When I was a sophomore in high school I put in a request to the school counselor's for some learning disabilty/phychiatric evaluation, or at least point me in the direction on where to obtain it. They told me I didn't need it and to stop making pathetic excuses for myself and to go back to class. Took another 7 years to get DX'd only because I could take matters into my own hands. Makes me wonder why there called "guidance counselors"

justhope
10-24-07, 11:06 AM
What? I was just saying that I am here for support, paranoid or not, I am a Cycling Veteran, Hope, and if there is one thing I can do it's probably help some confused parents understand their children because I was diagnosed right off, and with the school, the problem probably still to this day is that nobody really asks the child, they discredited the input of the child back when I was a kid and if they had taken the time to ask me for my input in a lot of situations a lot of issues could've been prevented.

Matt....
I was talking about your statement..about being paranoid about us PMing each other and not you...goofy....I know you would have input....don't ever forget...how much I tell you that you are important here. Now come on...you know better than that.

Matt S.
10-24-07, 12:39 PM
Matt....
I was talking about your statement..about being paranoid about us PMing each other and not you...goofy....I know you would have input....don't ever forget...how much I tell you that you are important here. Now come on...you know better than that.
I know that, I was having a moment that's all.

justhope
10-24-07, 03:34 PM
What, a moment...no way....


I know you were, and you will find, I am not easily offended...not by you all here. I get it. Totally.
I just wanted you to know...I would never take away your importance here.
I thought you might have figured it out after I pm'd you...being the smart alec I am! No worries, brother dear, we are good.

Spongedaddy
10-27-07, 03:47 PM
Today was not a good day. I don't know if the introduction of the cold and rain is making it worse, but I find myself rapid cycling again. I had a very very bad day. It got so bad and my chest was so tight, that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Every time I tried to go to sleep I woke up with a start and my heart was racing. This morning I was veyr irritable with my wife and the kids are hitting every button. I am also starting to think my 8 yr old is showing signs of BP.

As the stress levels increase, my ability to deal with them is decreasing. I honestly don't know how much more I can take. RIght now I have a low level derpession, but it's there. I can feel the mania working its way back in and that's not good either.

I hate this disease.

Matt S.
10-27-07, 04:38 PM
So don't I, I am in the rain and cold here too, and I was ready to hit someone at Kohl's today, the food court in this big mall we have here was full, agitation isn't it great.

Spongedaddy
10-27-07, 04:43 PM
Besides the other many reasons I am starting to think going back to FL for the whole winter/SAD thing might be a good idea.

Okay I am going out for a walk, because I feel the depression coming back.

Jesse 7.0
10-27-07, 05:39 PM
I still remember my childhood fairly well and didn't deal with bipolar until later in life.

I struggled through grade school as well and they labeled me Learning Disabled (this was before there was really such a thing as ADD). Math was always my worst subject. It still is. I have recently learned of dyscalculia and may think that I have that. I was made fun of all through school and teachers were more hurtful than helpful. I was always having problems in school with doing my homework. I was not really lazy... I just had problems with attention.

I always thought things would change for future students.

I guess tings never really change.

Spongedaddy
10-28-07, 11:59 AM
Jeez I have ben cycling the last few days. His morning I was veyr manic and hyper and now I can feel the bluse coming on. I am up to 50mg on the Lamictal, but I am thinking the temp drop + stress is sending me out of control.

Plus as you can see my dyslexia is getting worse when I am typing.

Spongedaddy
10-28-07, 05:53 PM
Not to go on and on in myown thread, but I feel like the mayor of cycling town right now. I have gone up and down several times today. I thought going out would make me feel better, but the cold threw me back into depressive mode. Thanks MSPEN for that great article in the other thread. While we were in FL I never went as far into depressive mode as I had in the cold months here and have begun to again. While on meds I went into the depressive side for 3-4 days max and by the forth day it was very little. Since it started turning cold I am looking about 7-8 days of either mixed with rapid or depressive most of the day.

Matt S.
10-29-07, 08:45 AM
I thought of you when I posted the article and when I read it

Spongedaddy
10-29-07, 10:11 AM
Thanks. I am really burning right now. I can't stop cycling. I want to crawl into bed and hide.

justhope
10-29-07, 10:58 AM
You know I didn't think about that Sponge..when I had my cycle last week, the temps are dropping and it's getting dark earlier...


Which I HATE....ABSOULTLEY HATE!

hmmm I forgot about the "dark depressions" ...winter blues...I can't believe it.

We talked about it last year in my doctors office, that is when he suggested me checking into getting the "mood" lighting folks are using now for light therapy.

They are expensive, but heck it might be worth it....I know Japan, has them in their employees work spaces now, supposed to cut out a large percentage of depression....especially in dark offices with no windows, or in the winter months...perhaps Ebay? never know...

Sorry Sponge....little longer on the 50mgs...what are you in week 2?
You go to 75 mg next or the 100's ? I know there are two different starter packs out there....Mine was the 25,50,75, 100....

Hang in there...
no need to apologize for "crapping" in your OWN thread..it's all yours buddy!

Jesse 7.0
10-29-07, 11:01 AM
My friend, Andrea, goes to mood lighting for her seasonal affective disorder. I don't know if it works. I'll ask her.

Matt S.
10-29-07, 11:33 AM
my mother uses some light to help with her SAD, it isn't good if you are hypersensitive like I am.

Spongedaddy
10-29-07, 12:43 PM
I really need a break, some space to get away especially from this stressful field. Hopefully we will be moving back to FL in Feb. After that maybe we can work it out where my wife works either full-time or more hours and I can take a less stressful job that pays a bit less.

What scares me is that as far as my job is concerned, I just don't know how much more I can take before I buckle. Man, there is no doubt that right at this moment I am hanging on by a thread. I had posted earlier in the "your feelings in a single word" thread that I was fragile. I think that describes it as well as I can. I am counting down the hours until 5, hoping that nothing else happens.

I hate feeling like this.

justhope
10-29-07, 02:56 PM
Sponge...can't you take a few days off?

And if so, can you go hang out with a friend or something for the day?

Did you ever find out if there were meetings there?

justhope
10-29-07, 02:57 PM
my mother uses some light to help with her SAD, it isn't good if you are hypersensitive like I am.

hmmm interesting...I got that too? ....just screwed ain't I...:faint:




My friend, Andrea, goes to mood lighting for her seasonal affective disorder. I don't know if it works. I'll ask her.

Would you please...I am interested?

Matt S.
10-29-07, 03:05 PM
It may be the Lamictal, not to get too off topic but there is one side effect that I do notice from it and it's the increased sensitivity to light. I am a sound freak too and it doesn't effect that at all

Spongedaddy
10-29-07, 06:03 PM
My yearly review is Wed. and out of the blue this woman from operations calls me asking all kinds of specific questions about what I do. This woman had been given some of my responsibilities a few months ago, so I figured I was being fired on Wed. for certain. I got really upset and after several hours decided to ask my boss directly. Unless he is a pathological liar I am not getting fired on Wed.

However, I got so workedup that I can't even think straight now. I am lightheaded and feel oh so ill. It's almost like the universe is having fun at my expense and seeing how much it can poke me before I fall apart.

Crazy~Feet
10-29-07, 06:19 PM
Remember what I told you in PM, man? If the universe is poking you, it is kicking me when I am down.

At least we can cycle together, buddy. The Cycling Team, we do it ALL together! :faint:

Spongedaddy
10-29-07, 06:44 PM
Remember what I told you in PM, man? If the universe is poking you, it is kicking me when I am down.

At least we can cycle together, buddy. The Cycling Team, we do it ALL together! :faint:

Poking is a nice way of saying it is taking its pants down and leaving a massive lincoln log on my head. :faint:


Hmmmm a poop joke, maybe I am starting to feel a bit better.

Jesse 7.0
10-29-07, 07:57 PM
Would you please...I am interested?Pretty good. She has noticed a boost of energy that she has not expreienced normally, this time of year. :)

Spongedaddy
10-29-07, 10:08 PM
Reflection on today: For the past three years I have been exposed to a truth that has been impossible for my mind to comprehend. The ideas that there is only this moment, that things unfold exactly as they should, that we are actors on a stage has always been one that sounded good in theory, but cannot be understood by the intellect. As Carl Jung once said "problems cannot be solved by the same level of consciousness that created them." Today many events unfolded, many more than I spoke of here and all I could do is watch. My mind built some excellent cases and projections which were intensified by my BP condition. At the end of the day though all I could do is watch. Oh sure, I can say things and do things, but ultimately the universe unfolds on its own independent of what I think.

My cycling is now finished for the day. I am still slightly manic physically, but the stories have stopped running. I am humbled by this experience. All of my anger, sadness, fear were only internal. They had no effect on the way things unfolded. It is simply amazing to see. I don't know how I will feel in the morning. That is the thing about BP, when you are in the thick of it you never know which side of you will be there when you wake up. However, I was able to witness something here at the end of the day that is quite amazing.

Thanks for reading.

Crazy~Feet
10-29-07, 10:39 PM
Poking is a nice way of saying it is taking its pants down and leaving a massive lincoln log on my head. :faint:


Hmmmm a poop joke, maybe I am starting to feel a bit better.With you? A poop joke is always a good sign. :) And hey, it made me smile!

Your last post was very profound. We all ought to take it to heart.

Poopie is as poopie does, my momma used to say. My name is Crazy~Feet, people call me Crazy~Feet...:D

justhope
10-30-07, 12:38 PM
Thanks for sharing that Sponge....both the profound and the Poopie part!


Made me want to cry....made me want to laugh?

Made me feel okay to feel Bipolar....literally in that moment


CF...you are so silly! :p



Jesse, thanks for the update on the light...Perhaps I can check out some deals and see about getting one....

Crazy~Feet
10-30-07, 12:47 PM
So what's the forecast for today, Sponge? Hangin' in there or what?

Spongedaddy
10-30-07, 01:15 PM
So what's the forecast for today, Sponge? Hangin' in there or what?
Thank you for asking. I am pretty okay today. Somewhat present. You doing okay as well?

Spongedaddy
10-30-07, 01:17 PM
Thanks for sharing that Sponge....both the profound and the Poopie part!


Made me want to cry....made me want to laugh?

Made me feel okay to feel Bipolar....literally in that moment


CF...you are so silly! :p



Jesse, thanks for the update on the light...Perhaps I can check out some deals and see about getting one....
Thanks Hope.

Hope, have you ever read anything by Byron Katie? If not, I think you might like it...especially with wha'ts going on with your son.

Crazy~Feet
10-30-07, 01:18 PM
I'm glad to hear that, man. :) And thanks for asking...I seem to be on the upswing to baseline again. I reckon I might have just been really missing the old man...I don't think I always give him the credit he deserves :o and he was a wonder last time he was home. It was hard to let him go on this last run!

Matt S.
10-30-07, 02:55 PM
I found another bipolar related book, Electroboy, there's a website for it too but I don't know what it is so you'd have to google it, it is a book written by a man with bipolar, which is rare because besides Patty Duke and Kay Redfield Jamison, I haven't seen too many books from guys with bipolar.

Crazy~Feet
10-30-07, 03:04 PM
Ya know, that is one of things that really, really amazes me about the Cycling Team...you fellas. I swear I have never seen such a group of guys be right out there for the rest of the group! "Balls out" takes on a new meaning, right here, with the bunch of you!

Truly impressive! <a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/ICON_CCLAPPING.gif" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

Matt S.
10-30-07, 03:05 PM
What???

Crazy~Feet
10-30-07, 03:06 PM
:D I love you guys!~!

Matt S.
10-30-07, 03:13 PM
we love you too :D

Crazy~Feet
10-30-07, 03:15 PM
:o awwwww, shucks...that felt good!

Spongedaddy
10-30-07, 03:38 PM
What???
She's saying we've got a brass pair the size of Texas. My gods that woman knows how to make a feller feel good. :D

Jesse 7.0
10-30-07, 06:13 PM
Jesse, thanks for the update on the light...Perhaps I can check out some deals and see about getting one....Hope. Please read this.

They may cause a person to go into mania. I'm sorry, I didn't get to you with this earlier.

Crazy~Feet
10-30-07, 06:18 PM
Whew! Hey Jesse! I was wondering where you had gotten to. :cool:

She's saying we've got a brass pair the size of Texas. My gods that woman knows how to make a feller feel good. :D
That's EXACTLY what I meant! You guys are the da shiznit. :D

Jesse 7.0
10-30-07, 06:22 PM
Whew! Hey Jesse! I was wondering where you had gotten to. :cool:


That's EXACTLY what I meant! You guys are the da shiznit. :DI am sleeping way too much. I think this new medicine is BS!:rolleyes:

Spongedaddy
10-30-07, 07:16 PM
Well...I was feeling peacful, but now a nasty manic upswing has occured. I have got the jump out of my skin feeling bad. I can live through it, but damn if this disease doesn't kick your ***** every chance it gets.

Crazy~Feet
10-30-07, 07:22 PM
I heard that! I am no longer weeping at everything I see, smell, hear etc. but I do have this overwhelming urge to fall asleep for the next year or so...:faint:...damn depression....

Spongedaddy
10-31-07, 03:38 PM
I hate my f-ing job and I hate my f-ing boss. Today has been so stressful that I man enough to admit I am on the verge of tears. I had my review today and at the end I asked the @$$!)le if he had any positive feedback to give and he said "i can't think of anything." the funny thing is I got a satisfactory because i do my job, but they wont give me specific responsibilities or expectations they just tell me to figure it out...today they dumped this big mess in my lap and left me twisting in the wind...

i am really unhappy at this moment.

Crazy~Feet
10-31-07, 04:17 PM
<a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/icon_hhhugs1.gif" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

What a jerk your boss is! You certainly don't deserve this, Sponge.

I say we give him a swirly...:cool:

Spongedaddy
10-31-07, 08:58 PM
<a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/icon_hhhugs1.gif" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

What a jerk your boss is! You certainly don't deserve this, Sponge.

I say we give him a swirly...:cool: Thanks KZ. I need to do something over the next few months. I couldn't even smile tonight and it's Halloween. I was a hallow-weenie.

Crazy~Feet
10-31-07, 09:02 PM
:( I hate Halloween...it is a triggering date for me...I am holding up well though! Luckily, Little Miss Thing is apparently too young to grasp the concept of Trick-or-Treating, and she slap REFUSED to don her adorable poodle costume (cleverly purchased in a size that will likely fit her next year, just in case). So I got to hole up in my home and stay away from....OUT THERE.

Space was furious, of course...I suppose I am a hallow-weenie myself.

Spongedaddy
11-01-07, 07:16 AM
:( I hate Halloween...it is a triggering date for me...I am holding up well though! Luckily, Little Miss Thing is apparently too young to grasp the concept of Trick-or-Treating, and she slap REFUSED to don her adorable poodle costume (cleverly purchased in a size that will likely fit her next year, just in case). So I got to hole up in my home and stay away from....OUT THERE.

Space was furious, of course...I suppose I am a hallow-weenie myself.
That's good thinking. Sometimes you have to leave a trigger alone for a while.

Spongedaddy
11-01-07, 09:45 AM
Well...I suppose it comes as no surprise...but I am rapid cycling today..I mean really hypomanic for an hour and then really hopeless and afraid the next...the best thing I can do is be aware that this is something happening within me and not me...if I can keep it up it will hurt like hell, but hopefully pass quicker....but I am really hurting today...we are also waiting on approval for an apartment in FL and we have iffy credit so waiting while cycling = bad thing....oh well..I am glad I have some place to vent with some friends who understand....

Matt S.
11-01-07, 11:33 AM
you are just a regular cycling warrior :(

You poor rapid cyclers can't get a break, I was like that as a kid so I know having mood swings every two years can bite the bullet.

I am going for a med adjustment and moving and a bit 'cyclic' myself. I am getting my dexedrine upped back to where is was because I need the top dose. I have to have an ample amount of stimulant to help me not get manic so I need to get back to the dose I was at.

Crazy~Feet
11-01-07, 02:16 PM
Well, vent on, man...that's what we are here for :).

justhope
11-05-07, 12:17 AM
Man I hate it when I'm not here....for more than a day....sad as it is...to say it's like missing part of a good movie and trying to catch up..



Seems like everytime I am outta here some crap happens and I feel bad for not being here....shoot ...

Sorry guys/gals....hope everyone is doing better?

Jess, thanks for the update, no lights for Hope then? I wonder if I could just use them when I was depressed, and it would bring me out? or manic? hmmm...


Sponge, CF...sorry for the crappy days and crappy bosses...
I was off for 3...it was so nice. I was only here doing a little Mod stuff and posting my new therapy results....LOL the pictures...man it's nice to have a hobby that makes me forget crap....for a change...


Matt? Whats up with the meds?


KZ you are right...never in my life have I met a such a great group of men! You all are the BOMB!

Jesse 7.0
11-05-07, 01:57 AM
KZ you are right...never in my life have I met a such a great group of men! You all are the BOMB!I am not THAT great. Really you guys give me too much credit. I feel like I b**** too much and I can be a real grouch during certain moods. That is something I don't bring to the boards. I try and stay away during those times. I don't want to bring people down.

Crazy~Feet
11-05-07, 02:04 AM
It is the brutal honestly and the sympathetic responses of the male members of the Cycling Team that make you all fabulous, Jesse.

Don't you know that many men don't operate that way, even a little bit? Many men are such emotionally closed-off creatures; they would NEVER make the admissions that you guys make, NEVER keep track of other's moods and ask a simple "How are you doing today?".

justhope
11-05-07, 04:06 AM
Sing it sista...

Jess
that is what I mean too....it's not that I think you are perfect...duh...
I know you are Bp....
The fact of the matter is....you are unique in that you are very open and honest....see the post you just entered...that is the point...
and yes the Hi howya doing and how is your day going...very nice touch

I would drive there and kick your butt if you ever stopped being so...because that would be beginning of the end of staying in touch with reality and getting the support you need...we don't expect you to post roses and little birdies here..heck I don't all the time neither does anyone else....
I just appreciate your constant candor about life and the way Bp affects you..and the fact that no matter how crappy your day is, what rollercoaster emotion you just got off of...you always make sure we are okay...

So there....You are great....because the Mother Hens Say So! :p

Crazy~Feet
11-05-07, 05:38 AM
So there....You are great....because the Mother Hens Say So!
Oh yea! Preach it! The men of the Cycling Team are men like no other men!

And like, we said so...so there! :p

Spongedaddy
11-05-07, 08:03 AM
I am not THAT great. Really you guys give me too much credit. I feel like I b**** too much and I can be a real grouch during certain moods. That is something I don't bring to the boards. I try and stay away during those times. I don't want to bring people down.
This is typical of both the condition as well as the madness of the ego. If you watch the Stephen Fry video (on youtube) about BP disorder there are a few times when he says he feels like a c**t (btw interesting how that word has a different level of intensity than in America).

I had a really strange experience last week and it ended yesterday with my wife's mother yelling at her for all kinds of things. She blamed me for some stuff and was disappointed with her how daughter was living her life yadda yadda yadda...It was really strange, but at the same time just a continuation of a circle of madness. The Mrs. was upset yesterdya, but I didn't go to the anger well. It's weird how all of these intense things happened at one time. It was like one big trigger.

I also went to 100mg yesterday and we will see how that goes.

Matt S.
11-05-07, 09:59 AM
I was positively flabbergasted
No Matt , not raging just frustrated

Yup. Three different docs will look at one person and say (a) ultrarapid cycling bipolar, (b) borderline PD, (c) schizoaffective disorder.

Heard of that.
- its first layer dual being
In the past three weeks I have purchased and returned a total of about 15 xbox 360s and Playstation 3s. In the past two years I have done this pattern about oh I don't know 40 times.
manic madness
We have quite the team overall on ADDF, I am loving the quote feature

Spongedaddy
11-05-07, 10:08 AM
I have known the quoting feature for years, I called it mom.

:D

Matt S.
11-05-07, 10:10 AM
Yeah KZ's "positively flabbergasted" is one that I can't stop laughing about

Crazy~Feet
11-05-07, 12:28 PM
:D Shucks...and Matt? "Floridly psychotic" was a golden moment in my eyes!

How y'all today, Team? Everybody checking in?

I am sick again :( really nasty chest cold. My asthma is not very resistant to cold weather and germs.

(Hack-wheeze-yuk!) :faint:

Spongedaddy
11-05-07, 01:17 PM
Today is my mother's birthday. We haven't spoke in a year and before that three years. Last imte we spoke she accused me of bein a sociopath among other things. I was doing well for a while, but then I spoke with my dad. They have been divorced many moons and he is a pathological liar and has gambling issues. He is so very angry as well. I tried, in a moment of feeling overly emotional. to tell him I am being treated for BP II, but he wasn't even listening. I also found out that my in-laws are blaming me for everything, although that doesn't bother me as much.

After being mostly calm yesterday and this morning, I am now a complete wreck ready to go weep in a dark room.

Okay we are also trying to get out of NJ, but have encountered some problems. We are trying to get into the place we used to live. Quite frankly I went from very peacful to a damn mess.

I hate this condition, although even that is not entirely true.

Crazy~Feet
11-05-07, 01:26 PM
:( Ohhhh Sponge....you and me and our moms...meh!

On a more positive note: have you SEEN the Team in the "Dedicate a Song to a Fellow Member" thread? We are going off like fireworks!

Spongedaddy
11-05-07, 02:39 PM
Even with everything I now know I am still blown away that I have gone from peacful to falling apart in a couple of hours. I am doing my best to be aware that it's the condition and not me, but it's f-ing hard. I feel like I am 12 again and my mother is in the other room having a fist fight with her 3rd husband. I feel that kind of fear.

Crap!

Even listening to Tenacious D isn't helping.

Jesse 7.0
11-05-07, 03:23 PM
I hoope this helps, Spongedaddy. :)

This song is right up your alley as far as the humor is concerned. I would put it in the "Post a song for another user thread" ,but you might not see it there. This one's for you buddy:


Jonathan Coulton
Re: Your Brains

Heya, Tom' it’s Bob from the office down the hall
Good to see you, buddy; how’ve you been?
Thing have been OK for me except that I’m a zombie now
I really wish you’d let us in
I think I speak for all of us when I say I understand
Why you folks might hesitate to submit to our demand
But here’s an FYI: you’re all gonna die screaming

All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable; I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here; maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains

I don’t want to nitpick, Tom, but is this really your plan?
To spend your whole life locked inside a mall?
Maybe that’s OK for now but someday you’ll be out of food and guns
And then you’ll have to make the call
I’m not surprised to see you haven’t thought it through enough
You never had the head for all that bigger picture stuff
But, Tom, that’s what I do, and I plan on eating you slowly

All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable; I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here; maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains

I’d like to help you, Tom, in any way I can
I sure appreciate the way you’re working with me
I’m not a monster, Tom...well, technically, I am
I guess I am

I’ve got another meeting, Tom; maybe we could wrap it up
I know we’ll get to common ground somehow
Meanwhile I’ll report back to my colleagues who were chewing on the doors
I guess we’ll table this for now
I’m glad to see you take constructive criticism well
Thank you for your time; I know we’re all busy as hell
And we’ll put this thing to bed
When I bash your head open

All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re not unreasonable; I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we want to do is eat your brains
We’re at an impasse here; maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjcH2UmK1uo

Matt S.
11-05-07, 04:08 PM
Here it is...

Floridly psychotic

Matt S.
11-05-07, 04:21 PM
my mother is rather excessively calling me a psychopath and sociopath a lot as well, but at least I don't have borderline personality disorder like her...

Spongedaddy
11-05-07, 04:26 PM
Want to hear something funny? I got published again in a family magazine (The ADHD Parent article) and today I received my payment.

They were short by a dollar.

Even in my near tear state I thought that was funny.

Matt S.
11-05-07, 04:28 PM
That's good that it made you laugh at least...

Crazy~Feet
11-05-07, 04:44 PM
Want to hear something funny? I got published again in a family magazine (The ADHD Parent article) and today I received my payment.

They were short by a dollar.

Even in my near tear state I thought that was funny.That reminds me of when you overpay a bill or something and they send you a check for, like, $3 and change...

<a href="http://photobucket.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/drummer.gif" border="0" alt="Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket"></a>

Spongedaddy
11-05-07, 07:43 PM
We just got the apartment in Fl and while you would think I would be happy, I am now stressed through the roof as well.

We will be moving the end of this month.

Spongedaddy
11-05-07, 09:37 PM
and now here comes the rage at my wife's family I just can't stop it. Body is tightening up, especially the chest area.

I notice some time that some of you come in here as guests...probably looking for yourself, a loved one or curiosity..this is it man..this is what BP is about you try to manage it but there will be periods in the hell region and that is where I am right now...

justhope
11-06-07, 12:57 AM
hmmm.....

In the pit are you? Sorry...bud...

Well so a little good news, a little bad...

Little means crap to us...cause little can send us to the moon!

It was bound to happen...relief...only lasts about a second..then bam...you get hit by that lovey freight train ......worry worry,,,mania...depression, anxiety, rage...and then we start it all over again....
The stress of moving is enough to make me look fondly at the rafters...so I hear you. Add in the crap with your job, your wife, her family...kids....hmm can't imagine why you feel like shiat....

All I can say...is ....
This too shall pass....


Sounds like you are headed to FL at a great time....damn snow is coming already....got room in the suit case? We could have all kinds of fun you and I ...terrorizing ...LOL

Well buddy...I am off to bed....night two of hypomania and I am just sick of it...I give up...I am going to sleep if I have to duct tape my eyes shut...
No sleep, not one bit last night...and well here I am....almost midnight...

You are not alone....life just flew over our heads and took a big crap...
So now, we suck it up, and start all over again tomorrow.

(((( Hugs ))) Cycling Brother.... :)

Crazy~Feet
11-06-07, 01:30 AM
Just popping in during a sleep disturbance to send you this {{{HUGS}}}...wish I could do more, bro.

Nice siggy, by the way. ;)

Spongedaddy
11-06-07, 07:33 AM
Just popping in during a sleep disturbance to send you this {{{HUGS}}}...wish I could do more, bro.

Nice siggy, by the way. ;)


A very creative genius gave it to me.

Funny that we are all going through sleepless nights together. Must be a girl bonding thing. I feel pretty. Oh so pretty.

Matt S.
11-06-07, 10:09 AM
Just popping in because I am floridly flabbergasted, hang in there spongedaddy

Jesse 7.0
11-06-07, 01:27 PM
Just popping in because I am floridly flabbergasted, hang in there spongedaddyand then there's floridaly flabbergasted...

This is the surprise one has when they find out that Florida was actually a Southern state during the Civil War.

This is most common with...

morons.

Matt S.
11-06-07, 01:31 PM
It's a real word

Adverb: floridly flóridlee

In a florid (http://www.wordwebonline.com/en/FLORID) manner (http://www.wordwebonline.com/en/MANNER)
Florid psychotic mania

In its most extreme form, mania is characterized by frenetic activity, florid psychotic features,

Jesse 7.0
11-06-07, 01:32 PM
I know.

I was making mine up to be funny. :)

I was hoping that it might cheer some people up.

Matt S.
11-06-07, 01:39 PM
other members on the site like to make note of my phrase "floridly psychotic"

Spongedaddy
11-06-07, 04:55 PM
Well the big fight with her family is coming and this move is going to eat up the last of our finances (htough we will start saving money from the C.O.L difference). However, I am stretched too thin and just a little bit away from not being able to face the world for a while...

...and that's not really an option. I have kids counting on me, but I feel so close to falling apart.

Matt S.
11-07-07, 10:00 AM
sorry for getting off topic on your thread spongedaddy

Spongedaddy
11-07-07, 10:12 AM
sorry for getting off topic on your thread spongedaddy
No need to apologize. It's bound to happen with this condition. All is good.

I am a bit of a rollercoaster, but all is good otherwise. :D

Matt S.
11-07-07, 10:13 AM
I am a bit elevated myself so I totally hear you there. My grandmother's death apparently sent me into a more hypomanic state as opposed to depressed.

Crazy~Feet
11-07-07, 10:42 AM
That's my "typical" reaction to triggers; I seldom become depressed by them, which is supposed to be the "typical" female response.

I wonder if I have too much testosterone?

*checks for beard*

Spongedaddy
11-07-07, 12:55 PM
Well it gets better...I called my 61 yeard old dad in FL who lives with is 85 yr old mother in misery..well it turns out that he hasn't eaten in five days and is throwing up black stuff. He refused to go to a hospital and my grandmother is immobile with anxiety and fear. So I was present enough to take action and long story short got an ambulance out there. He refused to go, but his blood presure was so low, sugar so high and it looks like he was coughing up blood, that they just took him. I got a vm from a Lt Johnson who said it looks like they can't take care of themselves and "if you could see what I am looking at...it's foul." So they are going to get some social services intervention.

I don't know what's going to happen with them, but I know this is beginning to get too much. I don't mean to be selfish, but the tank is running on fumes now. I see the PDoc tonight, thank god, and I am going to have to talk to him about the possibility of short term disability if this doesn't get better.

Half of me is present and in the now and the other half is crumbling. I hope the half that is present is able to stay there.

Jesse 7.0
11-07-07, 01:14 PM
I hope you can get on temporary disability too. Maybe you could just take a breather then?

You have gone through a lot and it says a lot about your character to keep going. I am just by myself, so if anyone is selfish... it is me. I can usually get things taken care of... but you have been holding together a family. That says a lot about you man.

Keep up the good work, because though you don't see it right now... I notice it and I am sure others do too.

Spongedaddy
11-07-07, 02:02 PM
I'm so confused right now..I feel like I am in some kind of haze...not sure what's wrong with me..

Spongedaddy
11-07-07, 02:34 PM
I took the rest of the day off from work. FUnctioning is a bit difficult right now.

justhope
11-07-07, 02:36 PM
It's called BS overload....
Call and see if you can get the temp disability, docs are usually good about it.
I almost did it when Kee was pulling his crap..I was eligable for the FMLA but I ended up not needing it...however it was comforting to know....it was there if I wanted it.

You are not stable on meds yet...perhaps he can give you some anxiety med to at least help with that why you are still titratiing up on the Lamictal.

Keep talking.....
I know you don't feel like it now, you are stronger than you know.
Everytime you feel like giving up...go look at the kids...
See my sig...that is why I use it...and look at it..
They are the only reason ....I am here...


Hope :)

Matt S.
11-07-07, 02:50 PM
Enjoy the day off... with the amount of stress you exude spongedaddy, you need it...

And not to get off topic, but wheres my 7 page thread?

Spongedaddy
11-07-07, 04:32 PM
Well they are now taking my grandmother to the hospital because she fell and is completely out of it. The rescue worker guy told me that by foul he meant there was feces and vomit all over the place.

Bottom Line I actually have to intervene to get ehm help.....

Jesse 7.0
11-07-07, 04:37 PM
Well they are now taking my grandmother to the hospital because she fell and is completely out of it. The rescue worker guy told me that by foul he meant there was feces and vomit all over the place.

Bottom Line I actually have to intervene to get ehm help.....All I can do is send you an internet hug. *hugs Spongedaddy*

And an internet rose:

@--->--'--'----

Spongedaddy
11-07-07, 10:45 PM
I had to take off half a day because I couldnt' function. I went to the PDoc and since I haven't slept in 7 days he gave me ambiencr to help me sleep. I don't even know what else to say at this pont.

Spongedaddy
11-08-07, 07:41 AM
The only question for me this morning is the following:

I know the truh is right now I am caught up with events that I have no control over. Even with my BP can I let go and go with the current or continue to swim upstream against it. I am still in bad shape. My stomach hurts from being in knots yesterday. Everythign seems so big and I feel so small, but that is the position of the "little me" in the ego.

The PDoc is putting me at 150 for two weeks and then 200mg. I am thinking of telling my company about my condition. They are very big and have a huge outsourced HR dept. I am thinking of asking of working officially virtual as a reasonable accomodation. I work 98% of the time virtual, but if they make it official I don't have to hide the fact that I am moving to FL.

justhope
11-08-07, 01:26 PM
The only question for me this morning is the following:

I know the truh is right now I am caught up with events that I have no control over. Even with my BP can I let go and go with the current or continue to swim upstream against it. I am still in bad shape. My stomach hurts from being in knots yesterday. Everythign seems so big and I feel so small, but that is the position of the "little me" in the ego.

The PDoc is putting me at 150 for two weeks and then 200mg. I am thinking of telling my company about my condition. They are very big and have a huge outsourced HR dept. I am thinking of asking of working officially virtual as a reasonable accomodation. I work 98% of the time virtual, but if they make it official I don't have to hide the fact that I am moving to FL.
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.

~e.e. cummings, 1955 ~





A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.
~Jean de La Fontaine ~






All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France~














Wish I could be there with you my friend, it's heart breaking when we know what you are going through and can't do crap about it from here.
My heart and thoughts are with you.

Well you are so close to moving on, what is the danger in just coming out with the truth and using the ADA / 504 to cover yourself? You have the backing of your doctor? If that is what you need to do , do it.
What is the alternative? You becoming so overwhelmed you blow a gasket and then aren't covered because they don't know? It's just a thought? My job knows now. I told them when I went through all that with Keenan. I don't use the accomodations but they are aware.

It will get better. The problem is, it often gets worse first.


When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown




Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. ~Anne Lamott

Matt S.
11-08-07, 04:50 PM
I don't have all of that flashy font colors or the loving inspiration as everyone else today but what end are you at today, I am up, I am feeling a bit mean today too.

my daily manic behavior was playstation games and a salon visit, my hair is now blue black.

I am here for support because I hate feeling this way and I am sure that you aren't feeling the best either...

Hang in there, and remember you are not alone

justhope
11-08-07, 05:50 PM
Uh oh...a mean manic male on the loose? Hmm...now this is interesting...I thought you guys had "fun" mania? Now this feeling I am familiar with.

Well....we all have our days here.....I was such a b i t c h yesterday...I didn't even bother...staying for long...and never got back in....so today....well not as much of one...but....I understand...

I hope both of you have better days tomorrow. If not, well we'll still be here for ya!

Hope :)

Jesse 7.0
11-08-07, 06:12 PM
Hang in there, and remember you are not aloneNo you are not.

This was what I wrote today:
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44478&page=2

Spongedaddy
11-08-07, 06:29 PM
Thanks guys. I am doing the best I can, but I am so stressed it is not even funny. T-minus two weeks until we are back in Fl.

I have rarely had a fun manic episode.

Crazy~Feet
11-08-07, 07:16 PM
No, not alone at all. The man left out again :(...can you say "Slept too much and let the kids fend for themselves."?

I am not the proudest person today either.

Psssssst but hey...it's Shippuuden night and there is actually supposed to be an episode! One half hour of sheer escape into fantasy. Of course it will leave us wanting to see more, but well, it's something for a moment anyway.

Spongedaddy
11-08-07, 09:14 PM
No, not alone at all. The man left out again :(...can you say "Slept too much and let the kids fend for themselves."?

I am not the proudest person today either.

Psssssst but hey...it's Shippuuden night and there is actually supposed to be an episode! One half hour of sheer escape into fantasy. Of course it will leave us wanting to see more, but well, it's something for a moment anyway.
Sorry to hear all of you are having a hard time as well. I really feel like I went 12 rounds with the champ, but they wont stop the fight and want it to go 12 more rounds.

Or as Hellboy says Oh crap!

Jesse 7.0
11-08-07, 10:52 PM
Or as Hellboy says Oh crap!My second favorite comic book movie next to Batman Begins! :D

justhope
11-09-07, 10:11 AM
How are we all doing today, group?


Today is Friday....so it's always a good day for me, even if it's crappy....
only because after 4:30pm...I can take my crabby BP a s s home .....and do whatever....

I appear to be okay today....little grumpy still..stupid hormones...and well umm I missed my meds for 3 days....I thought I had a refill left and didn't....geez...had to chase the doc around....finally he called it in....he said uh..oh...I thought you had one more? hmmm.....we don't have our next appt until Dec..and he always writes enough to cover inbetween appointments....I told him, hmm did you forget to take yours the day your wrote mine or what? OY....

So I felt the rope unravelings...but I was never so relieved....when I picked up that bottle last night....I popped it before I left the store...I must have looked like a junkie....oh well....
So hopefully I will be okay in a few days.....

Matt? Jess? CF?

Sponge? How ya doing today?

Spongedaddy
11-09-07, 10:14 AM
I had this a s s at work start yelling at me because he wants me to do these projects for him and not bother him even though these projects make him commission and don't do a damn thing for me. My boss is on the side of I need to run with everything, have no job definitions and god forbid they give me a comm. I am due a bonus this month, I have it confirmed in emai, but my boss can still screw it up where I would have to sue them to get it. I am hoping that doesn't happen.

I am making a change in the next few months.

Feeling very stressed and a high level of nervousness. Tyring not to let depression sneak in.

Spongedaddy
11-09-07, 10:57 AM
Damn. I spoke with my dad and he is mum and depressed. Dude has never been talkative, but he isn't giving me a clue. I just had this incredible surge of angry mania. It got so bad I KNEW I had to leave the house before I started yelling at everyone. I took a walk instead.

This disease is like a damn amplifier.

justhope
11-09-07, 11:21 AM
yep....broken filter.....

See you did good....instead of blowing up ...you removed yourself from the situation....nice job!

Does it help it's Friday? Do you at least get to relax this weekend? I know you have things to get ready...but man you need to plan something fun?
A day at the park? Something with the kids, to just chill?

Matt S.
11-09-07, 11:54 AM
And I am still rather hypomanic, woke up hungover because I got drunk at a night club last night, had two and a half hours of sleep and it is back to the light side of hypomania after yesterday's dark day. My hair color is black, I have about ten different phone numbers and I don't remember too much about who I met. Still riding the manic high and yesterday I had my hair colored blue black.

Matt S.
11-09-07, 11:55 AM
And still no darn credit card in the mail...

Spongedaddy
11-09-07, 12:22 PM
I can't help but wonder what will happen first: a total breakdown or letting go and allowing things to be as they are.

Matt S.
11-09-07, 12:27 PM
I think we all are hoping for the

letting go and allowing things to be as they are
A total breakdown is nothing but terror.

Crazy~Feet
11-09-07, 01:05 PM
Blargh...depressive, upset sleep pattern, draggin' my sorry butt mess.

So sorry to hear everybody is manic, though I'd love y'all to fax me some of of that energy....:faint:

justhope
11-09-07, 03:34 PM
Well I'm not manic? .....perhaps someone has to stay behind for the sake of the others? We have 2 hypomanics,,,,one depressed....and ME! Well what about Jess? I see him playing over in Chit-Chat...he appears to be doing fine?

I have a fax? ....Number? I will fax you butterflies to chase? Might help....


Breakdowns....often seem like they might be a nice vacation...I"m thinking not?
How about you keep talking Sponge....perhaps come play wiht us in Chit-Chat?

Jesse 7.0
11-09-07, 03:39 PM
Well I'm not manic? .....perhaps someone has to stay behind for the sake of the others? We have 2 hypomanics,,,,one depressed....and ME! Well what about Jess? I see him playing over in Chit-Chat...he appears to be doing fine?

I'm in a mixed state. One minute I will be all giggly and the next I will be bummed out.

justhope
11-09-07, 03:43 PM
Yuck...now THOSE suck.....I have only had those a few times...mostly minor...the major one I had....I thought man if I had these all the time I would have killed myself a long time ago.....talk about being literally stuck between poles.....aargh...


Well crap, I guess it's just me then folks.....I had my days this week.....
I will enjoy it while it lasts.....it might change before the end of the day!


Hope :)

Spongedaddy
11-09-07, 04:40 PM
Well I'm not manic? .....perhaps someone has to stay behind for the sake of the others? We have 2 hypomanics,,,,one depressed....and ME! Well what about Jess? I see him playing over in Chit-Chat...he appears to be doing fine?

I have a fax? ....Number? I will fax you butterflies to chase? Might help....


Breakdowns....often seem like they might be a nice vacation...I"m thinking not?
How about you keep talking Sponge....perhaps come play wiht us in Chit-Chat?
Thanks, but I don't feel like playing.

Matt S.
11-09-07, 04:43 PM
Thank goodness for hope

Jesse 7.0
11-09-07, 04:44 PM
Thank goodness for hopeShe lives up to her name. ;)

Spongedaddy
11-09-07, 05:08 PM
Hello depression

Matt S.
11-09-07, 05:08 PM
you cycle quick man

Jesse 7.0
11-09-07, 05:10 PM
Hello depressionOh f%$#nuts! Hang in there buddy.

I will PM you my IM on yahoo if you want. If not I am on MSN too.

justhope
11-09-07, 05:34 PM
Well I tried....


Just for today guys....it could be a totally different ball game tomorrw...

Ok Sponge....you don't have to play....unless you want me to climb on the dunk tank and you can hurl some fast balls at me until you sink me in green slime?
That help?

Crazy~Feet
11-09-07, 07:49 PM
Y'all can take some of this sludge I swear I am slogging through to fill the tank. I am in a total slo-mo...it's gotta be sludge, right?

Spongedaddy
11-10-07, 09:05 AM
How is everyone doing today?

I am so-so. Not feeling as depressed as last night, but have that beat up feeling. Yesterday several other things happened that were negative and unexpected. I guess the one good thing is that even though I am at the end of my rope I was still able to work and get things done. This might be due to the Lamictal.

I think the last few days have beenmore mixed than a cycle. I have felt both the mania and depression either at the same time or within minutes of one another. Usually when I cycle it's a few hours or days of both. There is no doubt in my mind that the extreme amount of stress is causing it. I took an extra three days off for the move so I can have a little bit of space. Then in December I will start my search for a new job. I know no job is perfect, but this level of business and the company I work for are nuts. I think dealing with sales between 1-3 million dollars does something to people.

I am hoping with living without winter, in a place I really like, changing jobs, lifestyle and getting into my love of photography will help.

Matt S.
11-10-07, 12:06 PM
One of us has to be cycle free, so far it's justhope.

justhope
11-10-07, 06:34 PM
Well Sponge ....

I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better....
Hopefully a few extra days off will help... and a new start...

And yes it appears to be day two of level for me. Nice change. Little on the sleepy side, but that is normal after a long week at work. My sleeping cycles are off a little on the "too much" sleep side...but well I did mention the little hormonal blimp on the radar....no details needed....

But I feel good...hanging out at the house...watching movies...quiet because both the boys are off on sleep overs...just me and the other half here....

So hang in there....

Spongedaddy
11-10-07, 09:43 PM
Well Sponge ....

I'm glad you're feeling somewhat better....
Hopefully a few extra days off will help... and a new start...

And yes it appears to be day two of level for me. Nice change. Little on the sleepy side, but that is normal after a long week at work. My sleeping cycles are off a little on the "too much" sleep side...but well I did mention the little hormonal blimp on the radar....no details needed....

But I feel good...hanging out at the house...watching movies...quiet because both the boys are off on sleep overs...just me and the other half here....

So hang in there....
I am really glad you are feeling well.

Spongedaddy
11-11-07, 11:36 AM
I am feeling a bit better today myself. My dad has a blood infection and kidney stone problem. He isn't talking too much and it doesn't seem like he wants to help himself. I will do what I can, but he has to make a decision to get help.

My wife's family is hitting her up with a guilt trip so it makes it hard on her. I felt a little bit of anger at what they said, but quickly realized that it's only a reflection of what's inside of them. I am at 150mg now and I hope that is helping. In two weeks I go up to 200mg, just in time for the move.

Matt S.
11-11-07, 01:14 PM
I wish I was feeling better, my sleep seems to be decreasing as we type... My doctor will be seeing me Monday, whether she returns my calls or NOT.

Spongedaddy
11-11-07, 01:55 PM
PLease let us know how it goes.

Crazy~Feet
11-11-07, 02:02 PM
My sleep hasn't decreased worth a doodle...not a good thing on this pole. First I cannot fall asleep, then I go into that lovely coma...:faint:

Spongedaddy
11-11-07, 02:48 PM
Hang in there KZ. Can you go out for a walk or something that can get the old juices flowing? Of course you can't think about it or your mind will talk you out of it. Please take care.

Crazy~Feet
11-11-07, 04:28 PM
Thanks Sponge :) Your concern is sincerely appreciated. I do intend to crank up the tunes and do some heavy housework (beyond the tidying type chores) and see if I can break a sweat.

Hell, right now I am suffering from the traditional definition of "stress":

Stress: The confusion created when one's mind over-rides the body's basic desire to choke the living sh*t out of some a**hole who desperately needs it.

:D...heh....

Spongedaddy
11-11-07, 05:39 PM
I've been doing packing off and on and it helps. There's a saying in the 12 step programs: "When I got busy, I got better." It's true that when you are doing stuff you tend to focus on that moment and a lot of the chatter quiets down. Of course with BP sometimes the chatter is so loud that it becomes immobilizing.

justhope
11-11-07, 06:23 PM
Sorry KZ....I was kinda doing that too. Went to bed early Friday, slept in late into yesterday....but up all night last night...darn it....today....I didn't muster my butt out of the bed until 4pm. Now I fight to get back in....so I don't screw up the schedule yet again....of course I wouldn't dare think of taking my Neurontin...why ever would I....duh.....

So I don't feel manic, or depressed, although my sleeping patterns say something...perhaps...hello i"m a stubborn donkey that will NEVER bend to the will of a normal sleep pattern...I dunno....

It begins again tomorrow....



Sponge, you are correct....i am glad you are able to turn the static down..by keeping busy,,,even in binary...you sound better....that makes my heart feel better...Now if we could just catch that other brother...who won't sleep.....
Oh Matt....where are you....

I know what Jesse is doing...cause he and I both....kept each other company through the sleep cycle or lack there of..right Jess?

Jesse 7.0
11-11-07, 10:55 PM
I know what Jesse is doing...cause he and I both....kept each other company through the sleep cycle or lack there of..right Jess?Yeppers. :D

Spongedaddy
11-12-07, 10:59 AM
Yesterday was peacful and today I am a nervous manic wreck. One of the wonders of having BP.

Spongedaddy
11-12-07, 11:53 AM
Ahhhhh claming down a bit. I am hoping I don't cycle too much today.

Matt S.
11-12-07, 12:09 PM
Stress: The confusion created when one's mind over-rides the body's basic desire to choke the living sh*t out of some a**hole who desperately needs it.
My kind of quote... hope I am in, on and still kicking

Crazy~Feet
11-12-07, 12:47 PM
Good to see you made it, Matt. We are concerned about you but you already know that. ;)

Pulling for you, Sponge! I also hope that you have a day free of so much rapid-cycling. It's draining to say the least and a good guy like you deserves a break, especially right now.

Me? I am still suffering from the aforementioned "stress" :eyebrow:...WTF is going on lately? My late, great pal Herm would call it the Idiot Light. He used to say that it was a neon sign that only idiots could see, and that it drew them like flies. :rolleyes: I wanna know...who cut on the Idiot Light??

Geez, I might have to take a few days off from this place and see if that thing follows me everywhere I go. Maybe if I give up something, it will vanish, sort of like the law of equivalent trade?

Spongedaddy
11-12-07, 01:22 PM
I hope you feel better.

Spongedaddy
11-12-07, 05:42 PM
annnnnnnnd hypomania is back...mahvelous....I just found out one of my articles is going to be publishes in January...I need to find a way to work with my ADHD/BP and my writing career....

Crazy~Feet
11-12-07, 06:10 PM
Keep hanging in there Sponge :) the Lamictal will hopefully reach saturation point soon...and then you can address the ADHD too!!

Matt S.
11-13-07, 03:51 PM
Hang in there spongedaddy, it'll go dark on you eventually, I got kicked back into hypomania today because I managed to f something up, on accident so I am angered to say the least.

Spongedaddy
11-13-07, 05:20 PM
Have y'all ever had to slam on the brakes no matter what the situation? I just got a call from the mgt company that runs my grandmother's condo development. THey want to talk to me about the situation there. The only thing that came to me is I am hanging on by a thread and there is only so much I can do for them right now AND they don't want to help themselves AND a community action team is involved, so maybe I need to hit the breaks and say wait a minute. I have never had a close relationship with my parents and they keep sinking deeper into hell. I want them to be well, but at the same time I don't do my own family any favors by shutting down.

Can anyone speak of this or has anyone gone through something like this?

netsavy006
11-13-07, 05:22 PM
I've shut down before. That's part of the reason I went to partial. It was helping me but now I think I'm relapsing...

Hang in there...

Jesse 7.0
11-13-07, 06:08 PM
Have y'all ever had to slam on the brakes no matter what the situation? I just got a call from the mgt company that runs my grandmother's condo development. THey want to talk to me about the situation there. The only thing that came to me is I am hanging on by a thread and there is only so much I can do for them right now AND they don't want to help themselves AND a community action team is involved, so maybe I need to hit the breaks and say wait a minute. I have never had a close relationship with my parents and they keep sinking deeper into hell. I want them to be well, but at the same time I don't do my own family any favors by shutting down.

Can anyone speak of this or has anyone gone through something like this?My only consolation is this...

you canonly do so much for a person before it starts erroding your own life.

I hope that doesn't sound cold and mean.

Spongedaddy
11-13-07, 06:29 PM
I just called the PDoc's office because I am also now suffering from a tremendous amount of anxiety. I am hoping they can call something in to go along with the Lamictal.

Crazy~Feet
11-13-07, 06:30 PM
I don't think that was mean Jesse :) In fact I pretty much agree with that.

Sponge you have what sounds like, to me, too much on your plate right now. None of us are super heroes, no matter how much we want to save the world.

Remember that serenity prayer? Isn't there another one "Let go and Let ________" (insert higher power here)?

This is reminding me of Fiddler on the Roof. No matter how much Tevye loved Chava, he said "NO! There is no other hand! If I bend too far, I'll break!".

Spongedaddy
11-14-07, 09:38 AM
Thanks guys. I am going to see what I can do to bring my attention into the now and take some of these things off of my plate. I just can't do it right now. My immediate family and my health are the most important issues right now. Next week we are making a big move and I need to be up for that.

Spongedaddy
11-14-07, 12:26 PM
It's funny the way life is. My dad asked me to take care of him (move-in) and I told him I didn't think that was a possibility right now. On the practical level we have no space, no money and I am not in the best mental shape right now. I offered to get him help, that I can work on, but he didn't seem to care about that.

Matt S.
11-14-07, 12:29 PM
It's funny the way life is. My dad asked me to take care of him (move-in) and I told him I didn't think that was a possibility right now. On the practical level we have no space, no money and I am not in the best mental shape right now. I offered to get him help, that I can work on, but he didn't seem to care about that.
Smart choice, I moved into a situation to help take care of someone a while back and it was a set up for failure.

Jesse 7.0
11-14-07, 02:12 PM
Smart choice, I moved into a situation to help take care of someone a while back and it was a set up for failure.I took care of a person with Hepatitis C, last year, and it drained me to the point of not caring about almost anything. I saved him from commiting suicide a couple of times and would be at school wondering if he was going to attempt it again. I sometimes would not go to class, because I thought, if I was there he couldn't do anything. I focused all of my energy on that and became very dispondent. I almost reached a point of apathy. I ruined a relationship and almost myself in the process.

Spongedaddy
11-14-07, 03:03 PM
I have reached out to the hospital social worker to see if they can help him. My kids need me and I cannot destroy myself. My dad has done a lot of messed up damage to me over the years, but this isn't even a $%#* you. It's a I am not able to do it thing. I cannot believe how much pain and overhwleming situations are bombarding me right now. I have scheduled apointment for when I move down to FL so my meds can keep going. I intend to speka with them about short-term disability when I meet with them.

I really appreciate you guys. I am seriously at the end of my rope. If it weren't for my kids I would have snapped already.

Jesse 7.0
11-14-07, 05:53 PM
Keep focusing on your kids and yourself. Hopefully the rest will fall into place, but if it doesn't... remember... your kids need you and you need yourself to be sane.

I wish I could tell you there was a simple answer to the rest, but I can not think of anything presently.

But, most of all, don't look at it as being selfish... look at it as being self-preserving.

Spongedaddy
11-14-07, 06:47 PM
You know what's funny is we just found out that the new rental place is overcharging us by $200 and we aren't certain about moving right now.

It's gotten so absurd that I am a bit numb and it is not causing that much stress at this moment. It's just at a point of absurdity.

Spongedaddy
11-15-07, 12:50 PM
After speaking with my wife about both the minimal change in cost of living and the neighborhood school that isn't so great, we decided to stay for now.

I also found out today that I am about to get slammed with a big account and will be up to my elbows in work....but...I wont make any commission on it like the sales guy, but work just as hard. It's really strange how life is hammering me right now. I was feeling calmer in the morning, but now I can feel the cycle starting again. I hope we didn't make a big mistake by not going. The problem is with a decision like yesterday can be influenced by my manic swings. The Mrs. was somewhat emotional about leaving her job, sister, etc. and I think that influenced her as well.

I need inspiration for change and I need it now.

Matt S.
11-15-07, 01:47 PM
Hang in there, you have to always ask yourself if this decision is one that will work out in the long term, and if you have all of our support, notice when I decided to move in one day my support wasn't very high, then you have put enough thought into it to make a responsible choice.

I have faith in you so don't the rest of us here.

One thing I can say is that the initial part of the move is rough but the benefits will materialize in time.

Hang in there you are a good guy and you will develop better control over the bipolar when things settle down.

Spongedaddy
11-15-07, 02:05 PM
Hang in there, you have to always ask yourself if this decision is one that will work out in the long term, and if you have all of our support, notice when I decided to move in one day my support wasn't very high, then you have put enough thought into it to make a responsible choice.

I have faith in you so don't the rest of us here.

One thing I can say is that the initial part of the move is rough but the benefits will materialize in time.

Hang in there you are a good guy and you will develop better control over the bipolar when things settle down.
Hey thanks man. You really made me feel good with your kind words. I still feel somewhat isolated at times and it's nice to know there are others out there who understand.

Crazy~Feet
11-15-07, 06:15 PM
I know just how it is to move hundreds of miles Sponge, I think we had this conversation elsewhere already. And the mom conversation.

(((HUGS)))

Spongedaddy
11-16-07, 09:04 AM
I know just how it is to move hundreds of miles Sponge, I think we had this conversation elsewhere already. And the mom conversation.

(((HUGS)))

My memory aint what it used to be. I still have feelings of upsetness within me over not moving right now. I am also experiencing a lot of frustration with this crazy job because it seems like every day falls into chaos with this company.

There is a huge part of me that had a great story that when we went to FL I would be able to take some short-term time and then work on a new job. Now that we didn't leave I am having difficulty applying that strategy here.

Spongedaddy
11-16-07, 11:59 AM
I would say you guys would be surprised by this, but I doubt it. We ARE moving back to FL and this was driven by my wife. I think I was looking really down the last day or so. MY wife told me she woke up this morning feeling very heavy that we decided not to go. When we really looked at it we knew that we responded to out fears and once my manic side kicked in it built a great case. We don't like it here and frankly the winter is really beginning to bother me (and possibly my daughter).

Right now I am a nervous wreck on so many levels. However, this is what feels right. We both love Fl and do not like it here at all. Also FL gives me more of a chance to take some space.

Thanks for being there for me guys. I need to take a GABA and calm down a bit, but I am glad we are leaving.

Spongedaddy
11-16-07, 01:22 PM
Well this is funny. I just got off the phone with my Dad and it looks like the condo association is kicking my grandmother out. She can go to a home, which is okay with her, but he in essence would be homeless. That means, if this comes to fruition, I can either take him in for a while in our small three bedroom apartment or leave him to the fates. I have called social services and unlsee he shows them he is mentally disabled, and he puts on a great show of denial, there is very little if anything they can do for him

Joy to the world.

Why is this happening? I know the answer, but don't like it.

Spongedaddy
11-16-07, 04:25 PM
Hello, it's me again. Big surprise since I started this thread an have posted a poop load in it.

I spoke with my wife and we decided we couldn't let him go homeless so we will take him in but for only a few months. I have made it clear and will make it clear again that we will help him get back on his feet. We will not be the same situation like he had with his mother where he can be a pain body slug. By hook or by crook he will either get his act together as much as he can or my bipolar boot will be up his bipolar ***.

Spongedaddy
11-26-07, 05:23 PM
Well, we made it to FL. with no big issues. I am up to 200mg of Lamictal, but the cycles are still running. I think the major difference is that I am not shutting down as much. It's still uncomfortable as hell, but I seem to be able to keep going. It doesn't help that this is a period of high stress. We did decide that we are going to tell my dad we will help him for a month or two and that is it. After that he has to go. It looks like my grandmother is going to keep her place (as of right now) so he will have to go back there. My family and my health are too important to be messed around with by this dysfunctional man who will not get himself help.

Matt S.
11-26-07, 05:39 PM
I am glad to see that everything worked out for you...

Matt S.
11-26-07, 05:40 PM
The stability part takes time and with time and patience you will soon see that it will work out for the best, eventually, at least you are doing better...

I bet it's warm in Florida

Spongedaddy
11-26-07, 06:17 PM
The stability part takes time and with time and patience you will soon see that it will work out for the best, eventually, at least you are doing better...

I bet it's warm in Florida
MMMMMM 80 degrees.

I spoke to soon though. It looks like my grandmother is leaving her place and my dad will have no home. These will be some challenging months.

Matt S.
11-26-07, 06:23 PM
that's too bad spongedaddy, just do what feels right to you.

Spongedaddy
11-26-07, 07:52 PM
that's too bad spongedaddy, just do what feels right to you.
Thanks. It's funny, but I got so stressed out my nose started bleeding. I suppose that's not good.

Matt S.
11-26-07, 07:54 PM
I guess not I haven't been there yet...

Spongedaddy
11-28-07, 02:01 PM
I self-medicated today with Little Debbie Christmas Tree Snacks and Nachos for lunch. As I finished my snack it hit me that I wasn't doing myself any favors. If I wasn't cycling enough today the sugar will make it even better.

DAMN YOU LITTLE DEBBIE!

Matt S.
11-28-07, 02:03 PM
I self-medicated today with Little Debbie Christmas Tree Snacks and Nachos for lunch. As I finished my snack it hit me that I wasn't doing myself any favors. If I wasn't cycling enough today the sugar will make it even better.
That must've been a kodak moment

priceless

I usually eat a whole box of those, which reminds me we have snow on the ground here

Matt S.
11-28-07, 02:04 PM
I am a little up today too, so the cycle starts, EYEFORGOT is cycling up herself...

you are not alone.

Spongedaddy
11-28-07, 02:28 PM
That must've been a kodak moment



I usually eat a whole box of those, which reminds me we have snow on the ground here
Sorry I couldn't hear you over the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore. Let me wipe away some of my sweat from the 80 degree weather. :D

Cycling does suck btw.

Matt S.
11-28-07, 02:30 PM
Rub it in, Spongedaddy

Crazy~Feet
11-28-07, 02:46 PM
Glad to hear you feel like things are looking up for you, Sponge. I believe you are up to challenges that lie ahead of you, you're a strong guy.

It's funny, but I got so stressed out my nose started bleeding.
Are you SURE it was caused by stress and not by, oh, maybe a sexy woman you spotted?

I know, I know...it's research. :rolleyes:

4gotAgain
11-29-07, 07:56 AM
can i join this? i havent officially been diagnosed with bipolar but i think i might have some of the symptoms or I am just going through a really bad patch in my life. Lots of ups and downs, not sleeping. I do have ADHD for sure. Both types.
Do you mind if I do?

Matt S.
11-29-07, 08:15 AM
The Cycling team accepts you just the way you are. We are always open to new members

I read a post of yours regarding prolonged periods of ups and downs so chances are you are within the 'spectrum'.

I cannot stress the importance of describing your moods to the doctor and getting some sort of official diagnosis and treatment for that problem.

Are you feeling better? I hope so for your sake, you were in rough shape the other night, a lot of us were concerned.

Spongedaddy
11-29-07, 08:57 AM
I second what MsPen said. Honesty with the doc is very important. For many years I wasn't honest with the doc and myself about my depressive side and ultra rapid cycling. I too hope you are feeling better.

Oh and KZ....


IT IS RESEARCH!!!!!

Jesse 7.0
11-29-07, 12:24 PM
can i join this? i havent officially been diagnosed with bipolar but i think i might have some of the symptoms or I am just going through a really bad patch in my life. Lots of ups and downs, not sleeping. I do have ADHD for sure. Both types.
Do you mind if I do?Should we make her go through the initiation? :eyebrow::p

Just kidding. Of course you are welcome to join. :)

Spongedaddy
11-29-07, 01:48 PM
I've been waking up at 4AM for the last three days. It makes everything seem more intense, like BP needed a reason to raise its intensity. I am on a crash course right now. I can see the train coming, but am powerless to stop it. My grandmother is going into a home and no social services will help my father yet. So, if I don't take him in he will be homeless. My job has put me in a lose/lose situation and by hook or by crook I need to find new income opportunities in the next few months. All of this and trying to adopt a healthier lifestyle for my disorder and deal with my kids ADHD. The only question is, can I have faith (and by faith I mean acceptance) or will the big NO to life continue to build and lead to immobility?

Matt S.
11-29-07, 01:55 PM
I've been waking up at 4AM for the last three days.
Same here.

I think that you will find your peaceful happy medium and it will come when you least expect it.

That saying "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" has a lot of credibility. I wish I could give you some tips to make your suffering easier for you to deal with, besides leisure time, but I can't.

I remember telling you to take time for yourself to find peace and I know it may be hard but it is important...

Spongedaddy
11-30-07, 09:32 AM
I had my objectives review and the company expects me, as a sales support/inside transaction person, to come up with about 2 million this year.

I spoke with my wife and we both agreed that we need two incomes now and I have to look for something less stressful. There is stress everywhere, but this job is way too intense. Plus when you add in the other things, my lifestyle is not helping my BiPolar. It's time to find that peacful happy medium that Mspen references above. If I keep going like this it will end badly.

Spongedaddy
11-30-07, 03:41 PM
my son's adhd is reaching a boiling point as he cannot seem to control himself at all at school. pretty soon I will be dribbling in a corner.

Matt S.
11-30-07, 03:52 PM
Man, Spongedaddy are you still having a rough time?

Does it settle for a second? I feel bad because out of all of the advice I have to give you and everyone else here you still suffer.

Well, justhope (pun intended) that things get better eventually, you just barely moved so I imagine that it will take time to settle.

Plus we're still strong (the cycling team) and we're here, if and when everytime you need to vent we are here.

Spongedaddy
11-30-07, 04:13 PM
Thanks. If it wasn't for my wife, this place and the Lamictal I might have folded. I must admit that at this moment shutting down seems awfully close. I really don't want to shut down right now.

Matt S.
11-30-07, 04:20 PM
I think that ADDF is therapeutic to you, this time can be your relax time.

Spongedaddy
11-30-07, 07:35 PM
I think that ADDF is therapeutic to you, this time can be your relax time.
That is one freaky avatar.

Matt S.
11-30-07, 07:43 PM
The aggressive poodle, it isn't funny?

Spongedaddy
12-03-07, 10:46 AM
I have to admit last night and today is very hard. I am a nervous wreck. I can't seem to be present and am having a mixed peisode. I am aware of the need to take things moment at a time I just can't seem to connect with it. I am very afraid of shutting down again. I see what they are calling a nurse practitioner next week. She can write prescriptions and is trained for therapy. I need some additional help as well as discussing the potential of short-term disability.

I am afraid. I feel so small and everything seems so big.

Matt S.
12-03-07, 11:42 AM
I hope everything works out for you, until you can get into the nurses office and get some extra support, just keep coming here and try to find some time to relax a little, find ways to distract yourself, as hard as it is the slightest bit will help.

Spongedaddy
12-03-07, 12:19 PM
I have tried. I am reaidng a book, watching a movie, even went to the beach yesterday. However, as soon as the distraction is over the heaviness is waiting for me.

Matt S.
12-03-07, 12:55 PM
I know the feeling that you talk about, I just want to help you suffer less, I can't give suggestions on how to make it go away besides more medicine but I hope you'll take advantage of as much distraction as possible.

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 12:19 AM
Thanks for welcoming me in. I was doing better but I seem to be back where I was again. Its my birthday in a few days and I hope im happy for it.
I know I should go see a doctor about it but I'm scared if I do have bipolar it will shame my family. My mum struggled to accept me having ADHD.
I will be coming on here more often. You all seem so nice :)

Matt S.
12-04-07, 12:22 AM
I hope that you are at least able to accept your illness for you given you have a type of bipolar, which based on my personal experience and your description it sounds like you may.

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 12:26 AM
Yeah me too. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm just scared I guess. I was always the happy, hyper kid growing up. My sister told me that all the family ring her up asking about me because they are scared I am going to kill myself.

Spongedaddy
12-04-07, 07:52 AM
If you are suffering then try to remember that your mom is not the one dealing with this condition, you are. I am certain there is a part of you that recognizes the idea of shame is just a story in the head. It's part of the many lies we tell ourselves, especially when dealing with this disease.

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 12:46 PM
I know I should go see the doctor. For some reason Im just really scared.

Spongedaddy
12-04-07, 02:20 PM
Of course you are. If you have big files going on shame, then your mind will scare the **** out of you about a doctor.

The big question is: are you tired of suffering yet?

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 02:22 PM
yeah i am but theres always a side of me thats saying that im not trying had enough and il get through it somehow.
my optimist side...

Spongedaddy
12-04-07, 02:53 PM
yeah i am but theres always a side of me thats saying that im not trying had enough and il get through it somehow.
my optimist side...
Well....what does getting through this mean? Isn't getting help a way of getting through it? What that side is really telling you is to keep doing what you are doing. There is a part of us that enjoys the pain, a pain-body if you will. That part of our ego wants nothing to do with getting better. If you can remember that we are dealing with a condition that is full of lies.

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 02:58 PM
yeah you are right there. I don't really trust myself to be honest. I am going to book that doctor appointment today for tomorrow. I have the next 3 days off work :)

Matt S.
12-04-07, 02:58 PM
It is very easy for even the more psychotic bipolars to believe that they are not bipolar even after accepting it.

Spongedaddy
12-04-07, 03:22 PM
Today wasn't as painful, but my manic side is running. I am somewhat hyper, innatentive and have racing thoughts. I did cycle a bit, but it wasn't the intense hell of yesterday. It looks like dad is coming in about two weeks.....just what I wanted for xmas.

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 03:25 PM
do you not get on with your dad?

Spongedaddy
12-04-07, 03:30 PM
do you not get on with your dad?
Not really. The man is a gambling addict and pathological liar. He may or may not be BiPolar.

We have to help him out a few months or he would be homeless. He needs to get his act together because we cannot take care of him long term. It's causing a lot of stress, but I simply cannot leave the man homeless.

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 03:33 PM
Not good. Is he old enough to go to an old persons home?
Its sad that you guys have to save his butt ay.

Spongedaddy
12-04-07, 04:41 PM
Not good. Is he old enough to go to an old persons home?
Its sad that you guys have to save his butt ay.
He is only 61. I am hoping to just accept that this is the situation. We made a choice based upon compassion. The facts are he can't stay long-term, but at the same time we are letting him come and try to at least have an opportunity.

BTW, I meant to mention this earlier....it's hard enough being 19/20 and going out to face the world, but dealing with this at that age adds a lot of stress. Believe me, I remember. PLease make sure to cut yourself some slack. You deserve it.

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 04:56 PM
I hope it works out with him staying there and it doesnt stress you guys out.
Unfortunately I am the type of person that takes almost everything with intensity. I have always been a person of extremes..I will try cut myself some slack, dont know if it will happen.

Jesse 7.0
12-04-07, 04:58 PM
I hope things go well with your dad Sponge.

I am kind of experiencing the other end of the spectrum...

I am going to live with my mom and step dad for a while... until I can get on my feet.

Spongedaddy
12-04-07, 05:13 PM
I hope it works out with him staying there and it doesnt stress you guys out.
Unfortunately I am the type of person that takes almost everything with intensity. I have always been a person of extremes..I will try cut myself some slack, dont know if it will happen.
As long as you can begin to become aware of the changes slack will come by itself.

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 05:18 PM
Yeah thats true. well it always does anyways, i drain myself out after trying so hard and then get real down about the fact that I've failed and it goes on and on.
Are all your family coming to your house for Christmas?

Spongedaddy
12-04-07, 05:22 PM
We don't really have family. My mom doesn't talk to us, my wife's family doesn't give much of a hoot, so it's the mrs. and the kiddies which is just fine with me.

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 05:26 PM
Yeah, my family is like that too, my dad and all his bros and sisters dont get on with each other and dont know my birth mums family, they hate my dad for something that happened in the past. so its just my step-mums family - they're alright.
Its good to just have the immediate family though ay, because it's more closer feel to it.

Spongedaddy
12-07-07, 09:13 AM
I am going to speak with the nurse practitioner next week about the possibility of going on short-term disability. My job is pushing me through the roof without any support and I need to begin removing that stressor from my life. I am not giving the medication the chance to work. Unless I am on something that will knock me the heck out (and I don't want to be) the stressors in my life are so high right now that nothing could really do the job.

I need some space. Space where I can take a few weeks and just be as present and quiet as I can be.

4gotAgain
12-07-07, 10:29 AM
Hey, good to see your taking a bit of time off. It can be a really good thing to have a time to think about life especially around the Christmas rush. I hope everything goes good and you enjoy your time or recooping :)

Spongedaddy
12-07-07, 11:01 AM
Well I hope the doctor's office feels the same as me and then it has to get approved. My BP is reaching a fever pitch right now. I cannot continue like this or I will have a big shut down and wont be helpful for my family or myself.

4gotAgain
12-07-07, 11:06 AM
that really sucks. I hope it gets approved for both you and your family sakes. How long will it be before you find out if your approved or not?

Spongedaddy
12-11-07, 05:07 PM
good god i am depressed today..i hate this disease..

Matt S.
12-11-07, 05:09 PM
It really ruins a lot of people's lives at times. Hang in there Spongedaddy. Until this update have things gone somewhat well for you ?

Crazy~Feet
12-11-07, 05:40 PM
I'm just doing the ostrich routine myself, Sponge. I hate this disease too, man. :(

EYEFORGOT
12-11-07, 06:00 PM
hugs guys. I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

4gotAgain
12-12-07, 07:58 AM
hope you all feel alot better today :)

Matt S.
12-12-07, 11:47 AM
i feel like an upswingish mood

Spongedaddy
12-27-07, 03:15 PM
I am setting an appointment iwth a therapist since the NP hasn't really done any with me. I am really feeling close to a breakdown, especially after going off of the Lamictal. I am lucky I have my wife and kids. If I didn't I think some of my morbid thoughts might direct inward.

EYEFORGOT
12-28-07, 05:09 AM
Keep us updated, ok? We worry.

Spongedaddy
12-28-07, 09:02 AM
I decided not to take the Geodon because I read too many stories about being on it, as well as more about getting off of it, that concerned me. Last night though at about Midnight I started hearing what can only be described like...well...when you have a cordless phone and you have a cross conversation..that's what was it was like...my mind was having random free flowing strange thoughts, music, etc. while the ocnscious mind was thinking. I was aware of it, but it was very strange.

I do have an apt with a therapist in two weeks. If it wasn't for my disability and how sticky they are I would probably try to change doctors now. My last PDOC knew of my families history of addiction as well as my propensity and tried hard to avoid heavily addictive drugs. The NP seems to want to lavish me with addictive gifts.

Matt S.
12-28-07, 09:22 AM
That was a hallucination, I generally have that same hallucination before I get delusional and psychotic, if it is that then ignore what they have to say, because that's how you wind up sucked in and delusional. Or it may just be stress, even people without mental illness can have brief stress related psychotic episodes

Spongedaddy
12-30-07, 09:33 PM
I have had three or four of those in about five days. They are only momentary, like seeing a shape behind me and a strange momentary buzz/hum/hard to describe vibration in my ear, but nothing is there. I have never had something like this before and it is really scaring me.

In the meanwhile my dad being here is pushing all of my buttons.

I feel a bit scared.

Jesse 7.0
12-30-07, 10:32 PM
I hear you Sponge.

I have to get off of these meds (Navane and Cymbalta) I have an appointment on Thursday.

I have had a halucination that my dad was knocking on my door and calling my name. Thing is... it was clear as day and he never did it.

Crazy~Feet
12-30-07, 10:53 PM
I am always happy to see you guys, but not like this. :(

Sponge, I've had that that type of thing, dark figures coming at me from right outside my range of vision, and I during the Great Gabitril Fiasco of 2006, I was sure someone was in the house and that I heard them moving around. I have always stayed cogent during these events, and for some reason wasn't scared at all, but I did become rather paranoid.

Your dad and my old man need to go out for a beer or something :rolleyes: since they like to push buttons while we are cycling.


http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/BIGhug.gif (http://s3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/?action=view&current=BIGhug.gif)




Jesse, are you still taking them, or did you just go non-compliant for the meantime? How do you feel about the new docs?


http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/BIGhug.gif (http://s3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/?action=view&current=BIGhug.gif)

Matt S.
12-30-07, 11:08 PM
If they turn in to people's voices ignore them, if you think you hear people around you check and stay in check with the events that may lead to psychosis if you go there. When you go there, which I hope you don't thing occur that would make you believe that it is real.

If they turn into voices and I hope they don't music helps do not listen to them because they will say anything that is secret and make you think that you are getting investigated etc. Tell them to "Prove it".

I hope that's not where you are headed but those are tips in case you do.

Spongedaddy
12-31-07, 04:38 AM
Thanks.

Yall were right, I never should have taken my dad. I should have forced them to find him some place. My wife woke me up at 2AM because he was screaming help me, help me...his blood sugar was down to 20...he had been throwing up and lying to us about it...I just snapped when he started syaing IM gonna die im gonna die and started barking orders like a drill seargant..he got all ****ed, but it snapped him out of his crying and panic...the dude is driving me towards a break down..I just took a xanax....feel like I am going to throw up...thing is there is no more home for him..i need to keep knocking on doors till i find a social worker that will liste and is willing to help...oh yeah i haven't been on meds in a few days,...the geodon scares me with the addictive nature and expensive price...especially since I might lose my insuirance in a month or two...that is not helping...

Spongedaddy
12-31-07, 07:05 AM
Just got back from the ER and his kidneys were in bad shape. It looks like, from what they are saying, we saved his life a second time. We stood there for two hours and came back home. I needed a break as I feel the whole Mixed state kicking in big time. We will go back later.

Dude was shaking like a leaf with fear and I tried to tell the nurse to get him something for anxiety, but they wouldn't listen to me. He wont ask for it either. ******* amazing.

I hope he doesn't break me. He f-ed me up during my childhood, high school and college with his mental illness that he still wont see. THe irrational part of my mind feels like he is back to finish the job. I think I am going to call the NP today, but Im not sure...i feel like i am bothering her too much maybe..but i am confused and out of it so i might just be feeling something thts all

Crazy~Feet
12-31-07, 08:17 AM
Holy Chit, Sponge! :eek:


First of all, call the NP and don't worry about how she takes that. That's her job. I think anybody would be confused and out of it after a night/morning like that!


For months now, it's been stress piled on more stress for you. Worrying about breaking from all that is, IMO, healthy. You have been under enormous pressure, and that is bound to have emotional consequences. Admitting that you are not walking in sunshine smelling the roses is HONEST.


If some other dude had been walking around in your shoes the past few months and said "No big deal. I don't understand what all the fuss is about." I'd be inclined to think it was time for those guys in white to bring on the funny-looking jacket and take him away for a nice, long, heavily medicated vacation, preferably on a locked unit.



You're amazing. You don't quit! Nobody could ever accuse you of being a quitter.


If I were in your position? I'd wonder when a TV station was going to call and ask to make my life into a reality show. The public seems to be so fond of those now, and they want DRAMA! That's sicker than we are, as far as I am concerned anyway.



http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/icon_hhhugs1.gif (http://s3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/?action=view&current=icon_hhhugs1.gif) You can never have too many hugs, and you'll always have mine if you need one.

adhdogwalker
12-31-07, 06:24 PM
Call the NP. Like CF said, that's her job and it is normal for one to feel that way after what you just went through.

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time lately and am hoping, along with many others here, that things are going to improve for you soon.

Seeing anyone from my family is a huge trigger for me and I become insta-manic or insta-mixed the second I'm around them. I can't even imagine what would happen if one of them were staying with me. I understand the irrational thinking, that he's coming back to f*** you up one last time, that happens to me, too.

I have no idea if this is helpful, but maybe you could talk to your wife about arranging some way for you to have a break for a little bit? Even a few hours away might help. Do you have any friends nearby that are low-key you could stay with for a night? Maybe removing yourself from the situation, even for a brief period of time, might help. At least you might be able to clear your head a little bit and take a deep breath before you have to face the turmoil and upheaval at home again.

Another thing, I can't remember if you moved back to Fla. or not, but if you're anywhere near the beach, maybe just going and listening to the sound of the waves would help. Something about the breeze coming from the ocean, and the crashing/rumbling of the waves is very comforting to me.

As for the voices. I've been hearing them too lately. Fortunately, I know they're not real, but it is a little disturbing because I know that they're a sign that things aren't quite right. I keep hearing funny "hellos" in different friends voices when I'm home alone, and little things like that. Lying in bed the other night, there was a great bit of crashing and noise and hundreds of voices chattering away, all talking at the same time, but no two having a conversation. It was almost as if they were just shouting out into space. Then all of the sudden, everything went silent, as if a great blackout had quashed them. As if someone had pulled the plug. They never came back and I felt sort of lonely when they disappeared. I eventually fell asleep, but I keep thinking about it, wondering why that happened.

Ok. Sorry about my digression. My silly little advice tidbits, might be useless, but at least you know I'm thinking of you and hoping things get better soon.

Spongedaddy
12-31-07, 07:12 PM
I don't think what you have to say is silly or worthelss. Thank you for sharing that with me.

Spongedaddy
01-01-08, 09:52 PM
I was very depressed this afternoon and then something strange happened.

The Mrs. and I sat down to watch this movie called Shoot Em Up. It's an over the top action movie with Clive Owen (who IMO is James Bond). When I say over the top I mean the action is outrageous and each situation raises the ante. I kept wondering how the hell the hero would get out of these crazy scenarios and had no real idea what he would do next.

Throughout the movie there was something nagging at me that I couldn't put my finger on and then it hit me.

My life has been like this movie sans the guns. It has been over the top drama.

Just as we are moving back to FL we call my dad who has been sick for days with no one doing anything about it. We make an ambulance come for him and guess what, he was on death's door with infection and diabetes. He is in the hospital for seven weeks and during that time the 85 yr old mother he has been living with is evicted due to his actions (he hid all the letters telling her she had to make changes or else). He gets out of the hospital just in time for us to take him in so he doesn't go homeless. A week after coming here his blood sugar drops below 20 and we force him to go to the emergency room where it is discovered his kidneys have failed for some reason and we save his life again.

In the meanwhile betwee not really having a steady meds and lots of flashbacks to how this guy f-ed up my life I am heading towards a breakdown.....and....the disability lady is of course trying to get me off of short-term disability ASAP...

...see over the ******* top...

I don't know what it means, but I thought it was an interesting conversation. I am really tired of suffering though. SOmething has to give...it's either nervous breakdown or me snapping where I just don't give a cr@p about these petty people any more... I hope it's the latter..

adhdogwalker
01-02-08, 12:34 AM
Moments of insight are so important. It's a blessing in a sense even though it can be painful at times. At least now you are able to realize how inordinate the amount of stress is that you've been under, and how any human being, bipolar or not, would have a tremendous amount of difficulty in dealing with it. All things considered, you're doing well-- shoot, I had a serious nervous breakdown this summer over the smell of a rotting corpse in my building (it was a drug addict that died downstairs and his body wasn't discovered for two days). Anyhow, I can't even imagine what a wreck I'd be in your situation. Hang in there, I'm rooting for you. I hope you end up not having the nervous breakdown and are able to stop caring what everybody else thinks and focus on getting well. I hope relief is coming your way soon, you deserve it.

Spongedaddy
01-03-08, 12:03 PM
Two updates:

1) Geodon failed so next up is Depakote.

2) Got a weepy VM from my dad from the hospital this morning. Apparently he called while I was at the NP because they want to put a catheter (sp?) tube inside of him. He was a wreck on the phone and wants me to help him. I think I am beginning to resent him a bit. He mesed me up during childhood and now wants me in my own wrecked state to be something for him...although I have no idea what...even hearing the VM sent me cycling. DOn't know what the hell I am going to do about this guy.

Spongedaddy
01-03-08, 12:41 PM
Well I just spoke with him and the dude has a big no to everything. Every suggestion I make he has a no to. He only wants things his dysfunctional way, but while he is here and asking for my help he will have to either learn to live outside his box or not ask me. I am not having a mental breakdown over this guy. He has done enough damage. I wont refuse to help him, but I will refuse to walk down his insane path again.

Crazy~Feet
01-03-08, 08:36 PM
Stay strong, Sponge. You're grown, and for that matter so is he! Let him make his decisions and reap what he sows on his own.

Spongedaddy
01-03-08, 10:23 PM
Thanks. I will do my bets not to let him drag me over the edge with him. Took the depakote. Feal somewhat drowsy. It's scary reading about the liver stuff, weight gain and hair loss. We will see how things go over the next few weeks.