Hey guys! This is my first post and I am looking for support.

Is anyone in a relationship with another person that has ADD?

How do you work with one another without fighting? My boyfriend and I are at the breaking point right now after two years.

Been dating for 2 & 1/2 years
I was diagnosed 2 months ago
He has been taking medication for 12 years.

I have read about ADHD and have begun trying to help myself each day
He has never read or really talked to anyone about ADD
He gets stuck playing guitar all night and sleeps all day and has class two days a week (lately he has started taking sleeping pills and staying awake)
I work, go to school at night, play rollerderby,and have many hobbies

My life is always unorganized- dishes undone/laundry undone/locking keys in car/forgetting wallet/forgetting to call friends/family, etc.

He doesnt care if the dishes are undone, calls his friends and talks forever, never forgets anything

I hate his habits and he hates mine. But we still want to be together. Can it work? :confused:

My domestic partner and I are both ADHD, but we seem to have opposite behaviors-- such that we can make a fairly good "whole" with the strengths and best parts, and still have the loose cannonballs to deal with. We love each other and it's still really challenging to find the ways to coexist so that we both have our likes/needs met. I think it takes work; he thinks it should be seamless. Go figure. :D

Im thinking that you need some common communication in relationships with non adders you gotta have communication but for adders its so much more important. you gotta take time and me the other realize that if you cannot take the time to communicate with me then I cannot be with you

Hi Stray Bullet,

My husband and I both have ADD and we just had our 21st wedding anniversary. It is possible to both have ADD and to still make a success out of a commited relationship, but it isn't easy. I'm not sure any relationship is really easy, even non ADD ones, but there are definately more potential traps when you both have ADD. First of all there is the impulsivity and saying what's on your mind before screening it -- that can cause a lot of hurt feelings. Then there is the problem of who will be the one responsible for cleaning up the house, paying the bills, keeping track of things and such. It helps if you both learn a lot about ADD and even explore some professional counseling or coaching to help work out a system for handling those everyday types of things. They don't go away on their own. There is also the very likely possibility that you may someday have ADD kids together and that adds another level of complexity.

Good luck!

I can't even imagine dating/married to someone else who has ADD like me. It sounds very exhausting and frustrating.

i'm with you on this Brakna. No thanks.

I understand completely how you feel. Living with an ADD person can be difficult. Especially when you have the same issues with the chores and physical stuff but different types in communication. My husband had ADD the only problem is niether of us could find a solution to keep the cores done with out argueing. I am not one for finishing laundry at all. Then I am the type that needs constant communication and affection he was the easily irritated and short tempered type that never talks. He snapped at everything and would get angry and distant where all I wanted was to make him better. So unless there is constant communication it will be hard to make it work.

However in my current relationship its great and I feel that you can make it work when you both have it. I wouldn't have it any other way. He understands when I talk in circles. He's the organized type I am not. We both fidgit and need constant affection and communication. He knows who I am and what I feel with out me saying but still listens so I can say it. There is no judging no critism ust patience and love. The kind only someone that has it could understand I think which is wonderful.

With that said yes it can work but will take communication and understanding on both sides. It will take hard work and love. And if you both are the same and nothing is getting done then you need to work together to fix it or else it won't work. It can be beautiful though if it does. So just never give up. If this ones not right for you the right one will come. :)

I have read about ADHD and have begun trying to help myself each day
He has never read or really talked to anyone about ADD
He gets stuck playing guitar all night and sleeps all day and has class two days a week (lately he has started taking sleeping pills and staying awake)
I work, go to school at night, play rollerderby,and have many hobbies


It doesn't sound like the two of you have much in common - stuck playin guitar is this a professional gig or just jammin - the relationship doesn't sound balanced as presented here but I am seeing only a partial presentation. If he doesn't work out side the home why can't he do dishes and help keep the home up?


ADD or no ADD relationships need each member to have personal boundaries and be able to respect others personal boundaries, also thing like expectations need to be addressed - you have been together long enough to be considering weather or not this is going to be long term and if it isn't then time to move on - kind of deal.



so I see maybe some sort of counselor who can help you and your boyfriend stop and consider what each of you wants and expects to get out of this relationship and what each of you won't tolerate - weather or not this is a relationship you wish to stay in for the long haul and make sure you both are on the same page relationship wise.Love relationships such as in long term love are a combination of both partners sacrificing, working toward common goals and being committed while trusting the other person to have the same commitment - the fights and nit picking could be a sign of these issues being unaddressed - causing conflicts.

my boyfriend is add and i am adhd. we both were prescribed adderall. at first everything was great but after a while it starting affecting us both in negative ways. we both tend to somewhat lose our emotions while on the medication. something that would normally make me jump for joy barely cracks a smile. i just think over time it gives you a sense of indifference bc it changes your mental state and makes you feel differently than you probably would otherwise. i will get so focused on what im working on it annoys me to be bothered.

it got to the point were he actually demanded that i stop taking it...bc you can tell when someone is on it. theyre different. however i am extremely bouncing off the walls hyper when i dont take it and honestly i need it for my job! so again...problems. and of course, he decided he was allowed to continue taking it for school...more problems

i know this is a little different than your situation but i have found that it is common in relationships that the medications prescribed for add change peoples personality's over time thus leading to problems between the couple. are you both taking medication? my boyfriend is very task oriented and a neat freak whereas im impulsive and i could care less if the dished are done. i am ok in clutter i know where my stuff is. so maybe you two should just sit down and talk ab the things that are affecting you negatively. the only way it will work is if you both make an effort to try a little harder for each other. trust me i know. its the simple things like putting your plate in the dishwasher. ha. i could go on and on forever...i am sort of in the same boat. i dont think your add is the problem -at least from what ive read. message me if you want to talk more!

This happens even when only one person is ADD.

my husband and i have been together forever, and we make eachother crazy still because we are sooo dissimilar. And the fact that i have ADD makes things worse because i process what he says differently than was intended.

I can't even imagine dating/married to someone else who has ADD like me. It sounds very exhausting and frustrating.
how do you define "like me" here? As purely negative?
Are there no wonderful / great / funny / cute / hilarious / *what have you* sides to who and what you are? And how would you value "like me" for those things in another person?

I can understand the posters who have say "no thanks" ... but how much of that is due to feeling bad about how ADD effects yourself? And would having a relationship with anyone - ADD or not - change how you feel about yourself? Should we first sort of make peace within ourselves; try and love who and what we are before we can determine what partner would be best?

==== disclaimer ====
Sorry if this sounds judging or preaching or counselor-ish .. that's not my intention .. I am talking to myself as well, bc this is an important point you raise.
== end disclaimer == :cool:

Luthien- i'm sorry to say that i see no good points about having ADD. If i could be cured of it, i would in an instant.

The positive attributes i have...they have nothing to do with the ADD, which by the way is an incurable mental illness. Not what i would have chosen for my own life if i had had a choice. The ADD doesn't cause cute quirks or endearing eccentricities...it causes huge problems and malfuntions in the brain.

I've actually found that my boyfriend, who is ADD too, is way more accepting of the bad aspects of my personality than anyone I've ever been with. I sleep all day usually, and all of my exes would nag me about it - they hated it. But he's very tolerant and understanding. We both struggle with studying and schoolwork - but when I get frustrated and throw my books down, he calms me down because he's patient and understanding when I'm not. And vice versa.

I think it's a very good balance because you're with someone who has been where you are and doesn't just think you're being unreasonable and crazy. I'm happier with him than I've ever been with anyone else - and he's the only ADD guy I've dated!

Luthien- i'm sorry to say that i see no good points about having ADD. If i could be cured of it, i would in an instant.
OK, then I understand your POV.