Where to start... Well I came across this forum a while ago and it got me thinking. A lot of what I read struck me as exactly as what I've experienced, so over the past month or so I've been writing down all the symptoms I can think of and finally got around to summarizing those in a legible post. From the reading I've done and some lengthy introspection, I think I have ADD and Social Anxiety, hence my post in this section. I realize that there's no substitute for a professional opinion but this is hard to come to grips with myself, so I would appreciate your input here. Baby steps. I realize I've written a short novel here, but I wanted it to be accurate so I didn't leave anything out.

These are the symptoms I could identify, divided into ADD and SA:

ADD

When I`m doing something and someone starts talking to me or asks me a question I hear them talking but it`s like the words don’t process.

When I`m listening to someone my mind wanders very quickly, I can’t stay focussed on what they’re saying. I can usually just laugh it off once or twice but more than that and people get frustrated.

I frequently hyper-focus on stuff – assignments, some random subject I read about online, a hobby etc., and can’t stop even when it affects work or school seriously (Case in point here! It`s 4am and I have to be up early but instead I`m on here trying to forge this into a coherent post) At the time it seems paramount that I keep doing it, but after it`s like I`m released from whatever was locking me into it and I realize how irrelevant it was and how I just wasted a bunch of time.

Sensory overload – often happens when I drink, but at other times too, It`s like I`m hearing all the voices in the room at once and can’t focus on one conversation. As a result I`m often quiet in social situations and compounds a general difficulty making small talk. People sometimes comment on how quiet I am.

Very disorganized the majority of the time, although I`ll occasionally get into a cleaning/organising mode and get everything perfect then it slides back to chaos.

Impulsivity – I often buy things that aren’t logical/necessary/affordable but at the time I`m very focussed on them, though that interest soon fades.

Short interest span – hobbies, business ideas etc I will get very interested/involved in but only for a short time, anywhere from a day to several months but then all interest disappears and I can`t understand how I was so into whatever it was.

Inability to say no – Often I`ll take on work/customers that I know I don’t have time for.

I`ll check email either not at all (see bus. related SA below) or every couple minutes even though not necessary.

When an unrelated idea comes into my head, which happens frequently, I have to stop current activity and go start something else or read about it – even if it should have a much lower priority.

Frequently I`ll think of some great idea but I go to write it down and I`ve already forgotten it.

It`s paradoxical, but sometimes things have to be perfect even when they don’t matter, but then other things can be completely disorganized/messy with a significant impact on my life and I don’t do anything about it.

I usually can`t stay on the same tv channel for long.

Open multiple(!) windows when surfing, ideas keep popping up that I have to follow up on.

I`m often late for things, even if I get up early and leave extra time, it`s like my sense of time is skewed, or sometimes I’m hyper-focussing on something irrelevant.

It`s really hard to express my thoughts sometimes – things will make sense or are intelligent in my head and generally if I write them down, but trying to express things verbally I come across as slow or the idea just evaporates. Or I start thinking about something else and am lacking those new dual core processors:p

Not very good at planning/scheduling, I`ll forget important things like assignments, tests, meetings, etc.

I`m poor at setting goals and pacing myself.

I have a lack of drive/motivation related to short interest span, some things I am passionate about for as long as they last, but it`s like they have a mind of their own that is driving them, rather than intrinsic motivation from me for interest, money, success, fulfillment etc.

<O:p</O:pSocial Anxiety

I`m often afraid to be around a lot of people on the bus, in class etc and get really tense in those situations and paranoid that people are watching and judging me. Putting up my hand or it being my turn to speak in class, business meeting etc. causes a mild panic attack. Limits the contribution I can make in larger groups.

I ignore things that cause stress. For example, I ran a small business this summer and I frequently wouldn`t answer calls or turn my phone off because it might be a stressful situation I had to deal with or involve conflict with a customer or employee – which is the exact opposite of how a business should be run.

I have this anxiety about making phone calls, usually worse the less I know the other person, but even if I know it will be a positive conversation. This one really gets me because a phone call should be so easy but sometimes it`s hell just to dial that number and doesn`t make sense.

At one point a few months ago when things got really stressful with the business I had a panic attack that basically lasted a few days. I got a surge of adrenaline and rapidly beating heart etc every 30s to 5 mins for 3 days in a row till my buddy dragged me off camping for the weekend which seemed to relieve it. Don`t know that this is so much Social anxiety, but nevertheless..

I never know where to look when walking in a crowded area, to make eye contact or not, look at the ground in front of me or off in the distance. Also I wonder if I`m moving my arms or walking naturally or have a natural expression on my face and if people can see the anxiety in my face. I`ll check my cell for the time frequently even when I know it just to try to take my mind off and look casual so people can`t tell I`m anxious. The more these thoughts continue the worse the anxiety gets.

I`m actually ok at flirting with women but it`s the initiating conversation and initial small talk getting to that point that is hard. Ok I guess some of that is flirting so maybe scratch that.

I`m usually able to hold it in check but sometimes I just say things that aren’t that funny to anyone else or myself usually but at that time it seems immensely funny to me. It`s usually not inappropriate, just kind of out there, although that did happen a bit when I was younger I guess I`ve just got better at controlling it.

I`m always over worried about what people think about me, what I`m going to say or have said etc.

My body language often makes me seem unapproachable – people think I look angry, mean, upset etc but it`s just me trying unsuccessfully to be expressionless because I`m over-conscious about what people think. Once they start having a conversation with me it all changes because it was basically a mask.

I always feel like I have to put an act on for people, that things are just fine when really I’m going through hell, I guess it`s a combination of feeling I should be able to be stoic and not wanting to have family and friends worry about me.

I`ve always felt I was a fairly perceptive person, perhaps that`s just because of social anxiety I`m over focussing on things people say/do.

I don`t have very many friends. I think this is mainly due to the SA and subsequently avoiding social situations and interacting with people, not a general lack of social skills, despite some of the stuff above, I can often hold my own.


I guess there’s a few things in general that really get to me about this beyond the day to day consequences. I'm an accountable person and don't make excuses for my actions. And admitting I might have these things feels like just that, so it's hard to reconcile. Also, I'm graduating soon and need to start making career decisions, and it feels like I’m trapped because some of the things I'm interested in are competitive and/or have certain requirements that I don't feel I can meet without dealing with these issues that are holding me back academically, socially and professionally, but at the same time if I deal with them and they become public it will likely bar me from these occupations.

Then there is the moral issue - if I manage to get a grip on things myself somehow without seeking therapy and get into these lines of work is that really something I can live with when people's lives may be on the line and if one of these issues was to resurface and it affected my ability to perform could I live with that weight on my shoulders? Sorry for the vagueness, but as anonymous as the internet is, it's a small world.

Argh. Ridiculously long post, if you made it this far you deserve a prize! If you can shed any light on this, whether you think my self diagnosis sounds accurate or on the latter stuff, you don't know how much it would mean to me, I haven't talked about this with anyone before and it's a lot to carry alone :).