I have noticed in many of the posts and the threads that the word shame pops up a lot. I was wondering how much this has an affect on your lives. does it stop or even slow down your forward and up wards climb? does it prevent you from seeking or even devolping meaningfull relationships?

I have noticed in many of the posts and the threads that the word shame pops up a lot. I was wondering how much this has an affect on your lives. does it stop or even slow down your forward and up wards climb? does it prevent you from seeking or even devolping meaningfull relationships?I guess you could say I had shame before I found out what I haave.. ADD.
All my life I thought something was wrong with me and felt like I haven't achieved what I'm capable of, etc. Now I am learning how to cope whith things and I'm moving forward.

Present shame? ..I don't have shame, but I wouldn't go around telling people I have ADD, because so few people know what it is or really understand it. I just saw a show on Larry King last night on Autism.. I contacted Larry about doing one on ADD as it is even less understood then Autism. I hope he does it.. ADD needs to be brought out in the open and too many children are not helped, along with adults.

I suck in this category.

Hmm.. interesting..

I don't know if I'm ashamed of my ADHD, but I'm always conscious of how it might affect me negatively. Probably doesn't answer your question though.

I feel quite ashamed a lot of the time;
I feel ashamed when I walk into class x minutes late, to everyone's weary looks. 'she's late, as usual'
I feel ashamed when I cannot meet people's expectations of me
I feel ashamed when I constantly have to excuse to people my faults
I feel ashamed when I let people down consistently

I feel ashamed when I look at myself, and all the good things going for me, and then look at how I'm screwing it up and seem to sabotage every chance I get. Someone else would kill for the opportunities and potential I have, and I just cant seem to do it 'right'. :/



I would say that shame does slow me down to some extent, in that it puts me in a self-defeating, self-destructive mindset. It can make me withdraw from people, as I sometimes feel I dont deserve them and am only hindering them with my tiresome presence.
I think it's quite an interesting point to pick up on, lunaslobo.

Ab.

Also interesting why nobody has chosen the second answer yet. Any ideas why?

Ab.

I understand alot of where you are coming from abrixteth.

Shame for me is not about the ADHD label. I did not even knew I had ADHD until very recently and that was a HUGE life realization for me. I feel guilt when I constantly forget someones name or late (procrastinate) on assignment/project or simply running late to an event. Without knowing why I do these things I would come up with excuses and the worse cases when I am most overwhelmed out right lies. At that moment is when I feel the most shame. Its like a downward spiral of guilt, frustration, confusion, stress and then shame.

Not to paint such a dire picture this level of shame does not happen often. Usually on major projects or finals week in school and only then when I get overwhelm. Now that I know I have an ADHD diagnosis it may be easier. So far I have yet to tell anyone at school or work about it. I am still not sure what would be gained from it yet.

My LD shames me at times. I cannot spell very good and it shows. I feel like crap when others point it out to me.

Everytime I forget an appointment, birthday, time to meet someone etc. I definitely feel ashamed. I have a terrible time not hating me which I think is my mechanism to deal with the tendancy to do this stuff. I somehow figure it will make me better. All it does is drive me to being unstable, moody and depressed.

Shame? - I am unsure what I have to be ashamed of! I do not steal, lie or cheat on my husband.

super brat indeed, luv!

Yes, I do feel shame more than I would like, but I remind msyelf of my virtues... which you've listed as your own, too... but I still feel ashamed of my disorganization.

I HATE shame no matter what and sadly I'm a person that's easily embarrased!!

Selena:o

I wish "****ING HELL I hate shame!!" was a choice.

but I still feel ashamed of my disorganization.


Oh I see my disorganization a PIA- having to spend the last part of a shift cleaning the heap off the top of a med cart so the next shift can find to top of it while co-workers merely wipe their off with a damp cloth is a pain. A shame is when a previous shift leaves it for me to clean.

I guess I see shame in a different light than many. For me shame isn't making a disaster out of a med cart or the top of a desk, scatter is just a theme for me but I do take responsibility for it and I am considerate of co-workers coming in after me. I do clean my stuff up because I am the one that made the mess.


Shameful are people who scatter and don't even attempt to take responsibility. Day after day they leave full trash and empty supplies and see nothing wrong with their behavior, These are the people who get in a huff when I refuse the keys until they pick their crap up. Hey I have my own scatter to deal with at the end of my shift. I understand scatter but I do not understand irresponsibility.

I see shame as a feeling that results when I do some thing I know I shouldn't do, or I don't do some thing I know I should. Those are the correctable - I have the power to change - shame is a result of my refusal to do so. So when I do feel shame I look to change that which is causing it. For things I can not change I modify, and for those few I can't modify I accept as inheritable flaws of being human.

I spent too may years of my youth feeling ashamed because I wasn't perfect. One day it dawned on me there was no such thing as perfect on a global scale. I have learned perfect is an illusion created by an imperfect mind that was deluded into thinking there was such a thing.

I will not be spending my old age feeling ashamed because I have flaws Decades of shame hasn't gotten me any closer to perfect so why bother feeling bad for the rest of my life. Once you are my age you realize how limited a life time really is.

I want to thank all who have responded to this thread.

this is part of a quote that really tells the way I feel about shame:

Shame is the motor behind compulsive behavior.
<O:p</O:p

Shame. Even the word is stark. When we feel shame, we feel utterly worthless, not because of what we've done, but because of who we think we are. We think we are unlovable, incapable of giving love....

I have quite a few shame issues and always have thru out my life. most come from the well different up bringing and child hood that I have had. The one thing that I do is I have a seperation from guilt, embarassment, and shame. the first two can at times be benificial, as it motivates me to seek betterment. But shame to me is a self loathing. that is not healthy in any aspect. Most of the shame issues that have plaqued me in my life comes from events that I really have little control over. I am not ashamed of my ADD, but I feel shame over the things that I have done and have had done to me over the years. My addictions are ruled by shame. when I am feeling a lot of shame, the addiction feeds on that and then the compulsive behavior or shall I say the need to act out my compulsive behavior becomes over whelming. It is like a physical need or even pain. So if I can learn to seperate the shame from the guilt i can better watch my addictions and not let them rule my life.

Further on the subject of shame, I have found that in my readings on it, that many many people who have been abused in some way in their lives have hudge shame issues. Sexual abuse tends to lend itself the most to shame and feeling that we are not worth while. Again the abuse is something that we could not control, yet we feel like somehow we are resposible for what happend. This then brings out the shame we feel about ourselves. I am slowly learning how to seperate what has happend to me and what I can control. It is not an easy task nor is it a short journey, but one that is well worth the risks and the time it takes. Again thank you all that have responded to this thread, it has helped me a lot.

Shame can be a motivator. I used shame to motivated myself through techinical school. I kept asking myself "how would I earn a living without an education?" This helped my focus on my schoolwork and get decent grades.

it effects me tremendously. it sucks having the sorts of issues people dont take seriously. (most people, anyways.) (or so i feel.)

it effects me tremendously. it sucks having the sorts of issues people dont take seriously. (most people, anyways.) (or so i feel.)
I know what you mean. I dont know how many times I have been told that I either bring it on myself or I am imagining it. That really helps. ok lets say that I am imagining what I am feeling, does that make it any less real to me?

Shame, its a weird thing. I hate doing things that I belive I'm no good at. For example dancing. For me to dance, beeing drunk enough to try that is (witch is like one drink from puking I guess, dosent happen often at all) and then remember doing it afterwards, I feel so ashamed, so extremely ashamed. The feeling of shame is equal to what I would have felt beeing 14 yrs old and having my mum walk naked into my classroom and tell everyone about the "charming" tings I did as a baby. Its agnony, pure and simple.
And all my friends tell me that that I should relax and let it go, just dance or do whatever my other shame-things are. But no. Its to painfull. Its not just that I get ashamed of myself dancing weirdly. I allso get painfully ashamed of everyone else allso doing it, as if they were me...
Why? No clue. But I cant watch movies like Borat ether. Makes me want to kill someone (Borat in this case) or die.
Or maby when I think of it, it migth be cause I know that I can be out of contact with what other people think is rigth then and there and therfore be a bit "Borat"ish. So I try extra hard not to do things like that.

Again the abuse is something that we could not control, yet we feel like somehow we are resposible for what happend. This then brings out the shame we feel about ourselves. I am slowly learning how to seperate what has happend to me and what I can control.

It isn't easy but it is worth it - really.

This is why I no longer feel shame over things I can not control. I wasn't born this way I learned it over the years.

Wow, Abrixteth, barfarf, and Kracker said nearly everything I feel most of the time. I think I'm somewhat comforted and saddened by that.

I'm going to go crawl in a hole and play with a lava lamp.

I feel ashamed at times but usually will just apologize and move on. Generally I'm far to busy for my mind to dwell on shame.

I know what you mean. I dont know how many times I have been told that I either bring it on myself or I am imagining it.
Wow, my thoughts precisely. In especially heated & tense moments, I tend to lose my self-restraint and impulsively speak my mind without much regard to tact or consequence.

The repercussions of such arguments can be devastating and oftentimes, friends tell me afterwards that "i brought it on myself." On occasion, I'll misinterpret someone's actions or intentions and receive the equally perplexing, "you're imaging it."

Both statements generally make me feel ashamed, especially when I consider them valid. I'm 100% accountable for my actions, and controlling my impulsive nature can be a real struggle at times. I've learned there are moments when it's best to just avoid the conflict or situation altogether.

I just finished a book called "Emotions and Violence: Shame and Rage in Destructive Conflicts".

It is a collection of writings by sociology types about shame-induced violence and destruction.

The main message was that a lot of violence (wars; crimes; abuse; racism; hatred; suicide; self injury) comes from "unacknowledged shame".

One person they profile is Adolf Hitler and his early life. They do a sort of "psychological autopsy" of his early life experiences and show how they link to his later crazy maniacal ideas and insanely cruel actions. (Boy, what a totally messed up individual, to say the LEAST.)

Like a lot of dictators and racists and war mongers, his development and "parenting" [if you could call it that] was entirely psycho-pathological.

Raise a child to hate himself and he will paranoid-ishly twist and aim it against the people being currently scapegoated around him. (Jump on the "bandwagon" of the times.) Other people, and even the entire world, will suffer. (Hitler hated Jews in part they think, b/c he was part Jewish: The BIG family "secret". In killing them, he was killing himself and his own shame, in a way.)

The 'unacknowledged type of shame' is the worse kind, the Authors write.

Although vastly different, I'm glad we are "acknowledging" and "naming" it here. A lot of our own shame experiences concerning ADD and LDs has to do with people not understanding that ADD/LDs/Executive Dysfunction is not "laziness", etc.

But sometimes I still hear that schoolteacher yelling at me [in my head's memories] to "stop daydreaming" :S[I][U]

Now I just feel pity for HER ignorance, emotional coldness, impatience and lack of training/education about "differences".

Wow, my thoughts precisely. In especially heated & tense moments, I tend to lose my self-restraint and impulsively speak my mind without much regard to tact or consequence.

I was helped greatly in this area by practicing the art of debate - it works kind of like an allergy shot. Most of my debates began in writing as my dyslexia prevent me from responding too impulsively. Gradually over time I learned via positive results from written debates that if I can with hold an emotional reaction for a mili-second I can often maintain emotional control and restore myself to semi- rational thinking and begin by asking for clarification. I guess some of my control is the knowledge that even if the person meant to be insulting that I can deal with it in any number of ways as long as I maintain my cool - I make myself take a deep breath and say the word think inside my head before responding - it works for me any way. I do not automatically avoid conflict but I do not auto engage either.





Although vastly different, I'm glad we are "acknowledging" and "naming" it here. .

Much of my therapy dealt with getting shame out in the open and learning how to monitor the source of shame.






A lot of our own shame experiences concerning ADD and LDs has to do with people not understanding that ADD/LDs/Executive Dysfunction is not "laziness", etc

In my case being hyperactive - my LD and ADHD did not equate to stupidity - or lack of caring about others

I was more often accused of being inconsiderate and I often felt stupid. Lazy was rarely a problem for me due to the type of ADD I have - either way the end result was often shame because I wasn't "like every body else" and I did not understand what I was doing soo darn wrong. I have learned how to care about others with out feeling like I have be like "others" - I have learn to embrace my difference while also being responsible for those differences.

That part about hating to do things you don't think you're good at; I only feel shame about them if they're things I think I SHOULD be good at.

Anything work related, of course, but also organization falls in that category. But dancing? I suck, but I dance gleefully. Tennis or other sports that require agility and eye-hand coordination; I will participate AS LONG AS it's accepted that I suck, and I'm doing it anyway, because I don't judge my worth based on how well I play tennis. My family doesn't get it, and when I say I'm not good at something I'm doing they start up with how I shouldn't say that and I should feel good about myself, and THAT makes me feel like crap, like "how fragile do you think I am, that my self-image is affected by playing tennis poorly, when I only attempt it once every few years?" THAT then affects myself-image, that they don't see I'm speaking from a position of strength, that they don't pick up on that when I'd think they know me better than that.

I actually get a naughty thrill from publicly doing something badly, like dancing or a sport, because it breaks the Rules. I dance or whatever if it pleases me and I'm having fun at it, and hey, I don't have to witness the horrific spectacle of Piglet strangling a cat - oh no she's not, she's singing!- or stumbling around gracelessly on the dance floor. I LOVE that I will do things I'm not good at, just for the pleasure of doing them, even if people are watching. I think it sets a good example for the kids, "carpe diem" and all that. And I think people watching feel better about themselves when they see another person willing to let their failings be known; it reduces their shame the next time they're "on the spot".

But I'm not like that all the time. When my inattentiveness is ruling, and I'm overwhelmed, stepping into that sort of position is NOT on my "to do" list.

So if shame is going to kick in on stuff that matters, I guess the solution is, make fewer things matter, as far as being what you judge your self-worth by. To a point. There's a curve. Some people have unshakeable self-confidence, even though they're a blight on everyone around them. (I'm thinking of an ex-son-in-law!)