I live in a house with several other guys, we all go to the same college. We all knew each other more or less last year, except one of the roommates who we needed because we had an extra room. My first impression of this guy was that he was quiet, and maybe a little creepy. But a couple months have gone by and I've figured out that he's a nice guy, but really socially off.

For example, he'll just start awkwardly talking about something weird or random, seemingly oblivious to the fact that we don't care. That sounds bad, but it's not really like we don't care, it's like, he's talking about something that has no context, and we're just kind of speechless, you know, nothing really to respond with. It shouldn't have to be a chore to respond to people, but it is with him. It's like doesn't connect with the people he's socializing with, so he's unaware even if we're obviously showing disinterest or whatever. We're all really nice to him, but he hasn't been able to build any kind of rapport with us. He just doesn't understand any of the sarcasm or jokes we throw out at each other. Obvious social cues go over his head.

I don't know if he's just really socially naive or sheltered or if he might actually have aspergers. I mean he'll ask random questions that honestly make me question if he ever left his room before coming to college. And to be honest that's pretty much all he does. He'll come down to grab some food and if the livingroom's empty he'll play videogames for literally hours without getting up or moving. He just doesn't get things that I figure people just know. Countless times he's unknowingly invaded somebody's personal space. Things you shouldn't have to even think about (the 'right' place to sit in a room full of people, the 'right' thing to say when someone asks or says something) he just doesn't know. It's starting to get frustrating, because lets face it, awkward people can be hard to deal with. Ive learned a little bit about aspergers in school, and I really think this guy might qualify for it.

He's never said anything about having aspergers. Obviously I've never asked. Really I just want to know how to deal and live with this guy. How can I make him feel welcome here (it is his house as much as it is ours). I'm not really interested in hanging out with him, I don't think he's interested in hanging out with us, but I feel things could be a lot better in this house if we all had a rapport. I can only be nice and deal with this socially awkward stuff so much. Sometimes, he'll start talking to us, and I'll think "god I'm just not in the mood to deal with this" and leave the room.

Another disability can be "NVLD" (non verbal learning disability).

They don't "get" jokes, and cannot "read" social situations and people, etc.

It can be dangerous b/c people can't ascertain the cruel motives of others who might hurt them, too. :(

Sounds like your buddy has problems too with "Social Cognition". That means being "intrusive" (invading space; butting in on conversations (physically/verbally); standing to close to people; asking inappropriate questions; persists in weird topics or behaviour w/o figuring out that the other kids think he's 'weird', or don't want to discuss that topic. It is sad b/c it can make them look 'insensitive' or like a jerk, but it is not happening out of crueltyy -- they just don't "get it.".

Some peopel think that Aspies (or other disorders) might have to do with a problem in the "mirror neurons" that guide us socially.


Some peopel can have "traits" of disorders too. e.g. Dr. John Ratey wrote a book called "Shadow Syndromes", where he describes people who don't fully "qualify" for a diagnosis, but have behaviours and such that "look like" a certain disorder.

It's great that he has someone like you to clue in to his possibly having a neurological disorder -- rather than just treating him badly or fully rejecting him.

It might be a plan to have a more sensitive person (you or whomever) kindly address the most important issue/s with him.

e.g. invading space issues or interrupting issues sound important. I mean, it could get him punched out by some mean or drunken jerk sometime (on the street; in a bar; at a gathering), eh? I'd hate to see him get into the Wrong someone's face, totally unaware.

Can you imagine an Script for how to talk to him?

Some people giving Feedback use the ''Sandwich method' (say a +ve thing, then state the -ve issue, then say another +ve thing.)

In correcting people, it is also important to say what you guys DO want from him. ("Don't do X. Please do Y instead".)

Freaks, Geeks & Asperger Syndrome: A User Guide to Adolescence
by Luke Jackson

This is an excellent book written by a teen with Asperger's. It can help you understand the challenges your friend is dealing with and why he acts as he does.

Asperger's Syndrome, by Tony Attwood

Another good book for understanding the syndrome.

I wouldn't worry about diagnosing him, so much as learning to deal with the behaviors that bother you.

If you can, give him concrete suggestions. For example, if he sits down too close to you, you can say, "Hey, ______, you are kinda close. I would like it if you put about a forearm's distance between us when we are sitting together."

Or even, "People really don't like it when others sit so close. If you could put about 'this much' space between you and someone else, they would really appreciate it."

The point is, you are giving him something concrete to remember. Now, he can use a reference, (his forearm) as a distancing tool to not be so close to someone else.

If you can define things in concrete manner, most aspies will be able to use that, in that context. Don't expect it to spill over into another context.
Just because he understands how close he should SIT, don't be surprised if you need to point that out again when he is STANDING too close to someone.

Kudos to you for being interested enough to want to help, and not just being mean to him.

Another thing that might be helpful to know is that he is spending a great deal of energy trying to figure things out. You can't believe how fatiguing it is to have to cognitively estimate what is really going on in every situation.

While you are wondering what planet he is on he is wondering about what things really mean and what emotion is really being conveyed. He is also left to guess at if you are a friend or foe. It's a tricky landscape for him.

If he is not an aspie he is just another geek. Some people just have some autistic traits but are not really very autistic at all.

In any case if he is an aspie he could probably stand to have an honest friend around. He won't lie to you and he will be 100% loyal... so as odd as aspies can be, they make great friends that you can count on.

ME :D

I'm an Aspie. Sometimes its a challange with the social world but overall I have to say that I enjoy being an Aspie...

If you want to delve further into the Aspie mind, there is a fictional book (though the author either has it or knows someone who does, it accurately describes my son) called "the curious incident of the dog in the night-time", written by Mark Haddon.

It has won heaps of awards and I believe they are supposed to be making a movie out of it. I read it and could so relate it back to my son and how he thinks and empathise with how hard his little world is to function in.

Tony Attwood is a leading professional in the Autism area, his sister-in-law has it and he has worked with Autistic people for over 30 years. He has his own website if you want to google his name.

I have attended numerous lectures by him and he has such an insight and is a wonderful speaker, I can also highly recommend his books and strategies.