Hi group,
Just me asking another question. When does withdrawing from life become a "better way" of dealing with adult add/adhd?.

My husband has found a "better" way (his words) of dealing with his colleagues at work. He is just totally avoiding them, except the daily e-mails or 20 second phone calls. This way he doesn't have to accept a dinner engagement or actually GO to a "get together' or dinner engagement. He finds this very "workable' and a better way of getting along with his colleagues at work. He think this will make a better impression than actually GOING to their house or going to dinner with them. What do you guys think? I think it's NOT a workable thing. I think it's him giving in to his fears.

Dede

It sounds like he hasn't accepted he's got ADD and that he's suffering from depression, so he's taking the easy way out. This of course will lead into a downward spiral with him withdrawing from everything and preferring just to be a depressed loner.

So yes, you're right, it is him giving in and it's not a workable solution.

Hi Dede.

I'm an ADDer so I totally understand what your husband's doing and maybe he just needs space from other!!! and maybe he's more comfortable doing it this way.

Maybe he is giving into his fears but sometimes that's easier than dealing with the complex issues that come with socialising, has something happened at work for to make this decision???

What Driver's said makes a lot of sense too!

Selena:)
Hi group,
Just me asking another question. When does withdrawing from life become a "better way" of dealing with adult add/adhd?.

My husband has found a "better" way (his words) of dealing with his colleagues at work. He is just totally avoiding them, except the daily e-mails or 20 second phone calls. This way he doesn't have to accept a dinner engagement or actually GO to a "get together' or dinner engagement. He finds this very "workable' and a better way of getting along with his colleagues at work. He think this will make a better impression than actually GOING to their house or going to dinner with them. What do you guys think? I think it's NOT a workable thing. I think it's him giving in to his fears.

Dede

Hi group,
Just me asking another question. When does withdrawing from life become a "better way" of dealing with adult add/adhd?.

My husband has found a "better" way (his words) of dealing with his colleagues at work. He is just totally avoiding them, except the daily e-mails or 20 second phone calls. This way he doesn't have to accept a dinner engagement or actually GO to a "get together' or dinner engagement. He finds this very "workable' and a better way of getting along with his colleagues at work. He think this will make a better impression than actually GOING to their house or going to dinner with them. What do you guys think? I think it's NOT a workable thing. I think it's him giving in to his fears.

DedeHi Dede,
When did he start feeling this way? or has he always done this? Just wondering if he is on meds, that can cause all sorts of "side effects". Could there be another reason why he doesn't want to socialize with his colleagues and are these gatherings just for him or are both of you invited?

I know my husband had to back away from his colleagues at his last job as he got all caught up in their behaviors (young and single!) which led to marital problems, if you know what I mean!
Good to see you're still around Dede.
mrs A

Part of me considers his strategy smart. From personal experience, the way it goes is that something meant with good intentions or improperly said will be taken the wrong way and everything becomes a metaphorical shotgun blast through the foot.

I think withdrawing is a bad thing however, since the less interaction one has the less they learn new social cues(and social dynamics are always changing). I'm having this issue myself to a degree

Thanks to all who wrote. My husband has always done this do some degree. But over the past five or so years has gotten much much worse.

He doesn't pick up on social cues very well and it bothers him a great deal. (but he blames it on the others)

Mrs. A, you asked a great question. Usually the invitations he declines are ones where BOTH of us are invited. It has been disturbing in the past. He says he wants it to be different now, but we will see. Plus, he is always afraid of whatever food people prepare and he doesn't want to be embarassed because he eats such a "strange" diet. (he has food phobias)

My computer was down for over two weeks, and I missed you guys SO MUCH. I was getting freaked out because I couldn't communicate with all of you. Even I didn't realize how much help and reassurance I get from coming to this site every day and getting help.
Thanks for being here.

Dede

Blames others for his own social illiteracy?

It's virtually impossible to help someone who says "I don't have a problem". Blaming others is a sign of this.

Without taking any responsibility, a person can never have any empowerment (to start solving their own problems).

See a counsellor? (But he might not go. laff. If he "doesn't have a problem".)

*sigh*

What is a social cue? You mean like hints? It ticks me sometimes off when people tap dance around something and don't just bluntly say it especially in relationships.... I get along really well with those who are direct and forward.

I agree totally with Tylerlee17 on this one...I also hate it when people "tap dance" or "beat around the bush" on issues instead of just saying it straight out!!! and in marriages and relationships this can be especially be very hard for ADDers...Dede maybe your husband feels this way too perhaps??

Selena:)

I understand what you mean about just being forward etc, but social cues are more personal gestures that we put out naturally sometimes without even knowing we are. Like when someone keeps talking and talking and talking about the same things and is starting to bore you, you will yawn, or take a deep breath, or look away. Yes, maybe if it is a family member or close friend, you could just say "enough!" but it would be considered "rude" to say that to a colleague, teacher, boss, aquaintance.

Sorry to take away from the original thread topic. This could be his reason though. Maybe having to "bite his tongue" while at work is enough for him and possibly is uncomfortable in a more "casual" setting with his colleagues. Just a thought.

There are two sides to this

1) He accepts when he's on his own
2) He declines when its the two of you

Hmmmm

There are of course two type of event......the work get togethers where they go out bowling etc for a big of social....just work...which maybe he likes as its all informal

...and then there's the DINNER PARTY...that creation of the devil where 6-8 people sit around a table all terrified of doing/saying/BEING the wrong thing at the wrong time.

all in all its quite all right not to be sociable at work.....in fact its a positive advantage in some situations......don't get to up tigght about it.....if he keeps the job its a plus.

kilt