View Full Version : Not knowing my body anymore.


MilkMaiden
10-31-07, 07:52 PM
So I got diagnosed half a year ago, got put on ritalin, then conserta and finaly dexedrine, the only thing that worked for me.
A few months after the diagnose my lower back just turned in to main center of pain. Turned out I was hypermobile and that made it more or less colapse, cause my lifstyle was pretty darn lazy.
So I had to start working out, a lot! Physio therapy two days a week, the gym the 3 other. It worked miracles for my back and my general health. I'we lost about 50 pounds since that and my back is a lot better.
But the thing is. Going from 180 pounds to 130 (and beeing quite tall thats somewhat thin for me. Not the unhealthy kind of skinny, but hmm, curvy like classical pin ups. Didnt think I had that hiding under the fat, thats for sure!)

So this is what I have been dreaming about for years, not beeing fat. But I cant get myself to recognize my new figure. I'ts not me. I dont live in this body. My mind is stil stuck in this fat girl, who got teased through childhood for beeing bigger than the others. I cant embrace this and be happy for myself. To be honest, I dont have any feeling for how I look at all.
I cant see a girl in the street or in a store and say "ah, yeh she's about my size".
I think this migth be conected to living with a narsisistic psycopat for two years. But I'm not sure. Anyway, I lived with this girl (shared an apartment, not a relationship) who had eating disorders for ages and turned in to a narsisistic leech, who lived of making me and others feel bad about themselves.
She would tell me how fat I was, gain self estem from seeing me failing at things. It came to a point where she'd "help" in making me failing things, so that she'd feel more sucsessfull. Proper toxic friend realy.
But anyway, all that time I had one thing. I promised myself not to adopt her eating disorder, no matter how many times my apparence was critisized. To do that I think I had to totaly disconnect myself from my apparence. And later on I havent been able to regain this connection.
I can look at pictures of myself and see one thing. When I see pictures and don't recognize that it is acctually me in them, I see something else!

I would so mutch love to see my body for what it is. But for me its not a thing I can relate to. My body is as someone said "just a way of transporting my brain". I cant relate to this I see. I am so afraid of getting a eating disorder sneaking up on me, cause I feel that my current weigth and shape is Ideal. My BMI is 20, I have muscles, I have curves and I notice that guys look at me differently now. So anyone else know the feeling of just beeing two floating eyes? Cause this is how i feel atm. The only difference beeing that now people acctually see the eyes, before they where invisible.

QueensU_girl
10-31-07, 08:44 PM
Sounds like you are maybe sort of dysmorphic or dissociated (disconnect btwn body & brain as you mention) or something, eh?

Kimmy
11-08-07, 02:24 AM
I've been going through this for a few years but its opposite. Im no longer anorexic and actually overweight now--but im okay with that :) . I went from seeing myself as fat-when ana, to normal--overcame ana, to being that skinny girl again in my brain--overweight me now.

It's really really really strange. I'm constantly returning clothes, b/c my brain is judging my body the wrong size. I would watch some show like celebrity fit club and see a girl my exact height and weight and flip out. I guess it's good to think I am skinnier than what I am, shows I have some sorta positive image in my mind I suppose. I think as long as I'm not dressing like a hoochie that I'll be alright. LOL

I had an idea for you. What if you layed down and had someone trace your body with chalk. That would put a more literal size in your mind perhaps? Or go have some pictures made of yourself of the "new fantastic" you?