Edit: bit lengthy.. hopy you guys can stand to read it all...oh and please.. let me know if you or anyone you know feels as I do... And anything that might help.

It ****es me off! I've had adhd my entire life. And It seems like I can't even tell what parts of me is me, and what parts is my adhd. I can't stop being lazy. When I have to do something thats boring, I'll find anything else to do. In fact, I'm supposed to be cleaning my room right now! Which is always dirty.. I cant ever bring myself to just do simple little stuff when i need too! In fact I cant seem to do much of anything right. The worst part, is that I "CAN" concentrate! I've been termed "gifted" in the 98th percentile in some areas... I cant really remember which. In fact, It's almost as though I can't stop! You know that feeling of getting so into something that nothing else exists. Well imagine having that on everything you do! As soon as I go to the next thought every bit of the last one is gone. If I dont take my meds, Its like having my mind completely focused on something moving randomly without controll. I can easily understand basic quantum mechanics, string theory and mathmatics..but I cant even clean/keep clean my room? I've been told I have the soul of a poet.. an artist...And When I draw... or play an instrument.. I learn and get better every second.. But I cant ever stay focused enough to decide what to draw or what to play.

Somebody will talk to me.. And walk up 10 minutes later and say something about what they said.. And I wont know what the hell their talking about untill they remind me! I got "A"s on tests in school, even though I never pay attention or study (and I do mean never). I would almost figure it out as I went. But I would fail because I couldnt stay focused on homework or even remember I had it! It seems like I'm living off pure reaction. That startling reacton. The feeling you get.. when for just a moment, a second, or even less... your mind knows nothing but what your reacting to. That strange moving shadow... that loud noise... It's like the feeling of walking down a very steep and slippery hill. I'm not exactly startled.. Just intently focused on one thing for one moment.. dropping every other thought to deal with it, understand, or enjoy. Nothing exists unless its in front of me. My girlfriend broke up with me because when we werent together, it was like she didnt exist. I wouldn't remember I was supposed to call/meet her or anything! Which doesnt help my self esteem. I have very few friends.. and my contact with them is scarce... I've always wanted to have real friends... but always been an outsider... Only ever having one real friend... I always screw things up.. I can never seem to be normal.. in even the most simplistic of ways. People tell me I am bright and gifted... But I cant ever do anything right.

I've thought about it alot. Maybe...some people learn to compensate for lack of focus by developing intense momentary concentration, as brief as it may be, out of a nesessity. Going along the lines that most gifted/genious people have mental disorders.. that help them think differently. And then theres always the thought that maybe most of this isnt even my adhd.. but just me and bad habbits... Which just goes to show how much more of a failure I am!

So what part of it is me? the parts that I need to change. And what parts of it is adhd? Parts that I have to work around... And may never be able to change.... Am I defined by my adhd? has It shaped my very life? Or is it just compounding with other proplems to catastrophic failure.... Is there such thing as a person with adhd that cant stop concentrating But with no controll on what? Isn't that against the entire adhd-ist mo? lack of attention, concentration and focus? But what if the lack of attention and focus.. spurs forth great concentration, as useless as it may be. Or am I just lazy and inattentive although smart? With the ability to fix it.. Even though I try and fail. And usually forget to keep trying almost before I start. Its getting to where the only thing I can tell about me is I dont know who I am.. Only that I'm failing.. and it feels like I'm no longer me... Like I'm what my adhd has made me... A gifted failure or some other kind of living oxymoron.

Anyone felt similar? Any oppions at all would be helpfull..

I know exactly how you feel. I am the same way. For me, having adhd is part of who I am and there are things I cannot change about it. Medication helps but that is only half the battle. The other half is behavioral. My room/house is always a mess and I should be cleaning it right now but just don't want to. Can't seem to make myself do it. Some days are better than others in that I get more done. It all depends on how tired I am and what I did during the day at work. When I have projects to do that I don't want to do I try to break it down to make it more managable. Like cleaning my room for instance. I will first remove all the clothes that are not in the dresser or closet and either put them in the wash or in the dresser/closet. Then I work on any trash items left around, and I keep going through the list one thing at a time. That helps me, that is when I feel like doing it!

Er what parts are you and what parts are ADHD? ADHD is a part of you, whether it suits you or not and you have to learn to live with it and make the best of the best and compensate for the worst.