Hi People

Wow...I need some advice on this.

I'm a friendly, open minded and liberal person and most people find that they are comfortable talking to me about almost anything as I don't act in a judgemental way, however some people see the fact that I'm open minded etc etc as an opening to either chat me up or speak in a sexual way that borders on offensive and disrespectful.

I'll admit I can be flirtatious and there's nothing wrong with that as long as I'm respectful which I am and I can handle comments like "I like you a lot" "I think you're nice" and even comments like "I think the name Selena is sexy" and so on provided that it's said in a respectful and nice way but I start to get offended when people start going on and using explicit language and it's partially my fault it happens as I'm not assertive enough to tell someone that they're offending or upsetting me and being disrespectful...this mentality comes down to not wanting to upset the apple cart but I want to say..."Hey don't talk to me like that, I'm a nice girl"

It seems that I'm an easy target because of my personality and I want to find a way to give a better impression so people don't get the wrong idea of who I am and what I stand for....these people aren't necessarily bad people a lot of the time people just get the wrong impression and it hurts, I don't have this problem in real life only with my online buddies:(

Do any other ADD girls go through this sometimes and what have any of you done to fix it cause I need advice.

Selena:(

HI Selena! The first thing that comes to mind is that a lot of people DO use chatrooms to talk dirty, or to try and get some dirty conversation going.

Second thing that comes to mind, is of someone compliments you, you can just say thank you and move the conversation along. If someone keeps trying to converse you in a direction you don't want to go, then their purpose for being there is probably just due to #1 above!

Probably, they are just pushing the line to see where and/or how far YOU will take it, and if it's going somewhere you don't like after you tell them you are not going there, they are dissrespecting you, and you just don't have to chat with them anymore. Again, as you said, you are probably very bubbly and open when you chat, and it is probably not even you, it's just the intent of the ones you are talking with that's the problem. :-) Meaning, it's not YOUR problem. Make sense? IMHO.

Frazzle.

Firstly thanks for your support and the advice you've given is great and I guess I take that advice and see where it goes.

These few people are harmless but as you said they're probably doing it see how far they can go and how much I'll take and I need to pull people up everytime they speak in a disrespectful way.

Selena:) HI Selena! The first thing that comes to mind is that a lot of people DO use chatrooms to talk dirty, or to try and get some dirty conversation going.

Second thing that comes to mind, is of someone compliments you, you can just say thank you and move the conversation along. If someone keeps trying to converse you in a direction you don't want to go, then their purpose for being there is probably just due to #1 above!

Probably, they are just pushing the line to see where and/or how far YOU will take it, and if it's going somewhere you don't like after you tell them you are not going there, they are dissrespecting you, and you just don't have to chat with them anymore. Again, as you said, you are probably very bubbly and open when you chat, and it is probably not even you, it's just the intent of the ones you are talking with that's the problem. :-) Meaning, it's not YOUR problem. Make sense? IMHO.

I guess I think you are brave for chatting up often with people you don't know! :-)

But, have fun.

I just don't know for sure if they are who they truly say they are, or are really who they portray themselves to be, gosh it's hard enough figuring that out in person even! LOL!

Anyway, it's easy enough to avoid a bad apple online, isn't it!

Thanks again and I do have fun but at the same time people need to treat one another with respect in order to have fun...yes you're right there's always a bad sort that sometimes appears not only online but in real life too.

Selena:) I guess I think you are brave for chatting up often with people you don't know! :-)

But, have fun.

I just don't know for sure if they are who they truly say they are, or are really who they portray themselves to be, gosh it's hard enough figuring that out in person even! LOL!

Anyway, it's easy enough to avoid a bad apple online, isn't it!

ALL HAIL THE BLOCK BUTTON!!

Theres a bunch of douches online, I had this one online for many years and he started doing that to me so I finally decided to totally block him, he blew every chance for redemption I gave him.

If they start coming onto you and being vulgar immediately say no. If they don't leave you alone, block them or report them if its on a forum.

Those things happen to me too. I try not to let it bother me, but I'm just too nice of a person to up and block someone, normally I just stop conversing with them if they take the conversation in that direction. Eventually, they either give up and go on to something else or just leave me alone.

I respond with stuff like- I do not mind kidding around some but I have no desire to pursue the vulgar or sexually explicit - I am here to make friends and have fun I am NOT looking for cyber sex. Plenty of sites for the sex chat cround perhaps one of those would be more appropriate.

It is good to be concrete about your personal boundaries in your own mind so you will be able to let others know where your boundaries are. Many time ADD people have poorly defined boundaries so they do not know when they are getting violated until the conversation has gone to far - then there is the guilt of partial blame. There is no blame to be made but a good solid understanding of your own personal boundaries and wiliness to let others know where those boundaries are goes a long way to protecting ones self from comments that feel more like an assault.


The bottom line is if you do not know where your boundaries are then others will be clueless as well. If you clearly state where your boundaries are and some one chooses to cross them any way then you know exactly what kind of person they are and can hit the ignore button guilt free and feel secure in your decision to separate your self from toxic people who do not intend to respect your boundaries. .

Those things happen to me too. I try not to let it bother me, but I'm just too nice of a person to up and block someone, normally I just stop conversing with them if they take the conversation in that direction. Eventually, they either give up and go on to something else or just leave me alone.It took me like... 5 years before I blocked that one dude permanently.

He sent nasty IMs that popped up and my grandma read, or left nasty away messages that'd pop up on my phone that she would also see X_X And she gripes and gripes and gripes.

I'd rather block a perv then loose my net privleges while I'm there and have my computer torn apart and her look at some private journals and stories I'd rather not have her look at. She went through my old computer a long time ago and seriously violated my trust. So everything I have is password locked now (cept for my Mac, no one touches this baby but me xD).

My mom has never been technilogically inclined, so I've never really had to worry about that. Plus, since the 10th grade I've had my own computer in my room. Also it helps that if I'm not at the computer I don't leave my messengers signed in. There have been times a guy would say something to me and I would respond with...."Really? Now I'm just curious, how would you feel if some weirdo on the internet said that to your mom or your sister?....Most agree they wouldn't like it ...I'm like Oh...So you want men to respect females in your family, but you don't have to provide the same to other females who are mothers/sisters/daughters?"...they tend to go away after that, but I have to be bored to take that much time away from internet research and myspace to actually conversate that long with people like that It took me like... 5 years before I blocked that one dude permanently.

He sent nasty IMs that popped up and my grandma read, or left nasty away messages that'd pop up on my phone that she would also see X_X And she gripes and gripes and gripes.

I'd rather block a perv then loose my net privleges while I'm there and have my computer torn apart and her look at some private journals and stories I'd rather not have her look at. She went through my old computer a long time ago and seriously violated my trust. So everything I have is password locked now (cept for my Mac, no one touches this baby but me xD).

Put "no cybersex or explicit language" in your profile.

And don't keep talking, if people "start the chain" of this type of conversation.

"Block" and "delete" work well!

PS where are you chatting that people talk like this? find a new hangout?

If you keep talking to them, despite them breaching your BOUNDARIES of decenty, after one warning, then they'll maybe think it's a game.

It takes two to play catch. I refuse to 'pick up the ball".

There are nice people out there somewhere.... <G>

Or find other places to chat. (I never accept random chat requests!)

I would respond with...."Really? Now I'm just curious, how would you feel if some weirdo on the internet said that to your mom or your sister?....Most agree they wouldn't like it ...I'm like Oh...So you want men to respect females in your family, but you don't have to provide the same to other females who are mothers/sisters/daughters?"...they tend to go away after that,
I like that. I think it's a very blunt, still nice way of handling it. For the more disgusting messengers a block is perfect.

For the harmless-but-needs-correction person, I like to use humor. It cushions the honest blow. A simple "No thanks" is easy to type, still nice, and moves everything along quickly.

My mom has never been technilogically inclined, so I've never really had to worry about that. Plus, since the 10th grade I've had my own computer in my room. Also it helps that if I'm not at the computer I don't leave my messengers signed in. There have been times a guy would say something to me and I would respond with...."Really? Now I'm just curious, how would you feel if some weirdo on the internet said that to your mom or your sister?....Most agree they wouldn't like it ...I'm like Oh...So you want men to respect females in your family, but you don't have to provide the same to other females who are mothers/sisters/daughters?"...they tend to go away after that, but I have to be bored to take that much time away from internet research and myspace to actually conversate that long with people like thatThat is one great line :eek:

My mom doesn't touch my computer here at home, my grandma is the one violating my computer at their house XP I'm still the only one who uses that computer, do to it being so messed up XD But before on older computers I had that I did password lock, she would go in and read things I particularly didn't want her to read, my computer is like my diary.

LOL...boy if my mom ever saw my myspace she might have a heart attack... She doesn't even use her computer. I don't know why she even bought herself one lol

All the ends up happening is the foster kids play video games on it...and then it annoys her...lol Sometimes it's somewhat amusing...reminds me of how I used to bug my mom as a kid.

LOL - I was just thinking...I wonder what my mom would do is some internet pervert started talking to her - I honestly think she'd run back here to my room screaming at me to get rid of him LOL... sorry it's funny to me at least
That is one great line :eek:

My mom doesn't touch my computer here at home, my grandma is the one violating my computer at their house XP I'm still the only one who uses that computer, do to it being so messed up XD But before on older computers I had that I did password lock, she would go in and read things I particularly didn't want her to read, my computer is like my diary.

That happens to me and I am a guy. It happens from both genders in my case.

Wow...thanks for all the responses, they have been helpful and I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this.

I intend to set out some new boundaries and warn the people involved and if that doesn't work...I'll simply stop talking to them and place them on block!!

Sometimes it feels so degrading!

Selena

If you keep talking to them, despite them breaching your BOUNDARIES of decenty, after one warning, then they'll maybe think it's a game.

It takes two to play catch. I refuse to 'pick up the ball".

Well said

i think this happens to all girls in chats. say something like oh i gotta go take a poop and x them out. mood killer and they are gone. :D

I'd say stay off the internet chat and get out and meet people in real life. Lots of guys on the net just want to see your boobs or get you to talk dirty.

It depends where you chat too, try and find a private website that you have to sign up for. Advertising yourself on myspace or whatever is a bad idea. I've recently heard of bosses searching employees names and finding a whole heap of inappropriate stuff.

I know it's easier for ADD people to talk over the net but if you keep practicing going out and meeting people socially you'll become more comfortable with it over time.

You can never tell who's on the other side of the chatroom and it's hard to get people's real personality. I think you'll end up disappointed if you keep trying to make good friends on the net..although even I've met a few through different forums.

Just my .2c

LOL - I was just thinking...I wonder what my mom would do is some internet pervert started talking to her - I honestly think she'd run back here to my room screaming at me to get rid of him LOL... sorry it's funny to me at least

Well she may do what I have done - tell them "cram it I don't "do" little boys" and go else where. Sorry I may be close to your Mom's age and believe it or not us "mature" ladies were once young and pretty like many of you - and most of us have dealt with these things or similar inappropriate behavior in person before the computer came along.

I know it is hard seeing one mom's as some one who would be at the receiving end of a stinky pick-up line but many of us have been.

Sorry not being disagreeable but I had to defend the older generation and remind the younger we were by no means born "old" although some days like today it can sure seem that way.

i think it was more of a her-mom-doesnt-understand-the-computer VS. how to deal with getting hit on. my mom is a manager of a business and has steps written down on how to log in and send an email. then after she sends the email, she will call you to tell you about it. shes only 42 and we've had a computer at home for about 8 years.

Ha ha ha ha...yes well I haven't got around to chatting to them about their offensive behaviour yet but I will!! I've been too busy to worry about their crap.

SelenaWell she may do what I have done - tell them "cram it I don't "do" little boys" and go else where. Sorry I may be close to your Mom's age and believe it or not us "mature" ladies were once young and pretty like many of you - and most of us have dealt with these things or similar inappropriate behavior in person before the computer came along.

I know it is hard seeing one mom's as some one who would be at the receiving end of a stinky pick-up line but many of us have been.

Sorry not being disagreeable but I had to defend the older generation and remind the younger we were by no means born "old" although some days like today it can sure seem that way.

thats why i stoped chating online i only go here

Marytza.

I can totally understand that sentiment...I've been avoiding MSN and yahoo hence I haven't been going on those chat programs as much now and besides I've been too busy with my course anyway.

However while there are the occasional idiots online who don't know how to respect people I'm not about to judge and tar everyone with the same brush so to speak, I think it's a matter of being more selective as to who you speak to and I guess I have to be a little more selective of who I chose to speak to and how much crap I'll tolerate.

Selena:)
thats why i stoped chating online i only go here