Someone KICK ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

Look, I guess I should explain something...I not the easiest person to deal with ...I admit that much lol...and one thing I gotten used to over the years..People I tend to get close to, male wise..eventually gradually disappear or just flat out say I am outta here. I'm used to it.

& I thought that is what was happening again with an old "aquaintance" ...well ok, he was my first and thanks to myspace he's popped back into my life and I guess you never really stop loving your first love, just not in love, apparently not since I dont even trust the guy, or maybe I dont trust myself.

Anywho, I left him a few messages on myspace and he read em but not answered..and he hasn't been answering phone, so my lil nerotic brain tells me, "He's ignoring you" and one thing has changed about me since I last seen him, 31-18..u do the math...is that I dont hold back and I demand to know what is going on when I feel like I am being screwed over...not like before when I just let someone walk all over me. So when I left him a message asking what the hell was the deal, come to find out..he's just been busy. :foot:

I am not the same person I was when I met him, many people have screwed me over since we last talked until now...I thought I was supposed to be stronger than this...Oh wait...No wonder...since my ex nightmare I have not let anyone in the same STATE as me get close to me....now that I have...I just starting to see...I not as strong or as smart as I thought I was. :o

Maybe I was better off with the illusion that I am ok and just be alone...just like my signature at the bottom says :o

I know one thing...my ex set out to damage me...he did his work well *sobs*

It's always good to encounter an old friend.

ME :D

It's always good to encounter an old friend.

ME :D

Yeah they are just the perfect reminder of just how ****ed up you really are!!!! :rolleyes:

i avoid my exes like the plague, they are all a bit too toxic for me.

It not the fact that he is an ex that is the problem...he didn't do anything wrong and I had no right to take my insecurites out on him...My Exnightmare did the same damn thing to me..and here I am repeating a pattern...an abuse trait I tried so very hard to keep from myself. At least I not being told by my dead dog that he is cheating lol....but I dont have to totally (just a lil) snap mentally to repeat a pattern and I sure as hell don't need to be taking it out on the wrong person

I find it odd, I dont feel this way w/ the guy I am talking to in Florida...maybe that's why I love him so much. I feel safe w/ him and dont fear being myself around him cause I know he's not going anywhere. We have been talking for almost two years and it took me a while to trust him...well..not that long.

I dont think the real problem is that I dont trust this guy, I really dont trust myself to
not screw up and scare him away.

Maybe I do need therapy lol..maybe even commit myself...NAH I got school to worry about...**** that is what I should stay focused on...people coming and going into my life is just a distraction....not that it's their fault....

I dunno man, I wanna be alone but then I dont wanna be alone. I so freaking confused!!!!

Dude!!! It's amazing what a lil self *****ing out will do aint it...been telling myself all day that if i keep on like this..I WILL be alone...Kevin used to take his insecurities out on me...and I guess I was doing the same thing...but thank god I recognized it now...well only difference is I wasn't abusive...well I hope I wasn't. Well, last time i heard from the beast of burden he was misreable and alone...I dont want that to be me....so I promise...mesa chilla and talk myself down when that paranoia kicks in.


Damnit that what I have an inner dragon for!!! Where was she the other night...I have no idea..this self realization stuff kinda is and kinda isn't new to me.

Ok I babbling and I sure u have no idea wtf I am talking about LOL!!! I'll explain it someday if u want me to.

I hate relationships period. Not that I have a lot to look back on but they are just so complicated. One thing I know is that you should never expect someone to change around you. I always felt like I was tied to someone and I really value my alone time. I enjoy people in my life but I don't need them... perhaps thats not true but it doesn't change how I feel. You need to value yourself first and foremost. After that I don't think there is a large differance bettween friends and romantic partners... other than the former tend to accept you the way your are, don't make demands, and are't clingy. Sex is sex and I supose there is the comfort of being with someone and feeling loved but people are so very complicated that the chances of finding true unconditional love are rare. Call me a cynic.