I am 27 and still am not wanting to have a baby like everyone I know is. ADHD has been passed for 4 generations in my family (supposedly, since there was no testing back then) I am so scared that my child will be ADHD like me and go through the same kind of terrible time I had in school and trying to make friends and feeling like they are so different from everyone else. Plus I have no patience like my mom did.
Has anyone else ever had this cross their mind???
Is this normal at all???

i want to be married and have kids and im 27 im opposite im nerves if they get adhd to but hopefully it doesnt get it

I am right there with you...naturechick80.

I am bipolar and ADD, which is a heavy combination. I am afraid it is genetic (I fear I got mine from my father who left the family) I do not want a child to have the same nightmares and experiences I have had in the past. I have thouhgt of getting a vascectomy before. This is not out of selfishness, quite the opposite. I am not opposed to adpting, but feel like I wouldn't want to pass my genes onto another child.

Just my two cents.

Hmmmm I'm alot more tolerant and understanding of my kids foibles than i was before I researched the subject.

hopefully if you know there is a likelihood you will be able to guide and mentor your children better than you would otherwise have done. It is therefore likely that the environment they grow up in will be significantly different from the one you had.

It is therefore important that instead of worrying about whether your children will or won't have ADHD you ensure that you are in the right place both physically (inc location/job etc) and mentally before having a family.

This means ensuring your partner knows what could happen and will take cognisance of your opinions regarding the different approach your kids MAY have to life and their environment.

Telling them how the world and social life works from an early age will help....as will ensuring that you look out for factors that you think might affect them more than other kids.....the big diet thing for example.

Having a workaholic, late home spouse in a big city flat near a school with big classes and an inflexible under resourced teaching environment could be a disaster.

I suppose thats the biggest thing.....having the right partner....because in my personal experience its not the ADD in the kids that messes things up its what living with kids 24/7 does to YOUR ADD and how your spouse reacts thats the real issue.

kilt

...father of 2......uniquely different....kids

I'm willing to bet (though not speak for anyone) that any Mom here with a child who has special needs, ADHD, bipolar or a learning disability would tell you it's all worth it. Had I known I was bipolar before I had kids I think these thoughts would pass through my head but...

There's nothing saying my kids would be bipolar. If not bipolar than ADD, if not ADD then autistic, if not autistic then .... the list goes on. Some things are worth taking a second look at the genetic history. Sometimes there are serious illnesses that a couple needs to consider before having children. However, some things are a gamble. No one can guarantee you a perfectly healthy child.

Also, what do you equate ADD to? Some here have found that their ADD is a part of the way their brain works creatively. Some call it disabling, or a curse, or a learning disability. If you're seeing it as the latter, then I empathize with your concern but think big picture...is gambling that your child will definitely have it worth not having children at all? In addition, what is the difference between ADD when you were growing up and how they will treat it when your child reaches school age? As we've seen on this board, there's no one way to cope/handle/manage with it.

Not all parents are patient, not before or after they have kids. You don't have to be an exact copy of your Mom. Aspiring to be a more patient person is a worthy goal and you may surprise yourself.

Where are you in life? Married and discussing kids? How does your husband feel about having children? Are there any other health concerns? I'm not dismissing your feelings about ADD, only trying to be realistic and understanding of the bigger picture.

I think you have read my mind naturechick, I also am kind of scared to have a child because I was a demon child and I can imagine that mine will be worse. I have bipolar also and it is childhood onset in my case but my family pattern of bipolar makes it known that none of my kids will be bipolar, my neice has bipolar disorder and my grandchildren will but the whole hyperactive and "troublemaking" qualities are mostly responsible for my conduct problems.

Ironically I am 27 too and I have the biggest fear of getting a girl pregnant.

Have you ever thought of adoption? lots of good kids out there with no one to look out for them.

I wouldn't have a child if I was bipolar but that's just my opinion of course. People are free to do whatever they want.

ADD isn't that bad in comparison to other problems. I'm sure if they were diagnosed and treated early they'd be ok.

I think it's really mature for people to recognize that they may not be able to cope with having kids.

There is nothing wrong with deciding to NOT have kids.

If you are afraid of birth defects, you can also get pre-conception "genetic testing" for some disorders. (Don't know why more people don't do it.)

For example, CF (cystic fibrosis) is the most common genetic disease. 1 in 20 white people carries the gene.


If you actively don't want to have kids, are you practicing a pretty good form of birth control? That would be my next question.



Here's a story:
My one female (undiagnosed ADD?) friend just had TWINS b/c she and her SO weren't using effective birth control. (She can't take the Pill b/c she smokes.)

Her one son already has ADD. (He is a teenager.) They were unable to do much for him in the way of paying for extra school support and stuff, so his future is looking pretty bleak.


Her partner already has kids from a previous marriage and they both didn't want any more children.

Now she pays the price, and she is even more poor and worn out and old looking. The most un-resourced people (financially; emotionally; physically) are often the MOST out of control OVER their lives and futures -- including, child-bearing wise!

They are so much more poor from unplanned pregnancy now, that they live in 'the projects'. Her new babies are probably at high risk for LDs and ADD (like her older son has). What a sad and bleak looking future. :(

Don't let this 'HAPPEN' to you!

*points to everyone reading this*



Anyway: learn from THAT lesson, and make sure you are using GOOD birth control. Or using a FEW kinds of Birth Control... :P~

And if you DO (later) decide to have kids, consider getting genetic testing.

Take some control over your life, so that "life doesn't _just_ 'HAPPEN' to you".

Honestly, the idea that one or both of my kids may or may not have ADD is the least of my worries. I try to keep my worries to the really big things, like getting struck by lightening, or abducted, or hit by a car.

There's nothing I can do to avoid them having ADD like me. What I CAN do is be proactive about it.

As far as the rest, well, you can worry yourself silly about it if you really want. Won't make any difference. You can't worry a genetic disorder out of your body. Yes, you can test for this and that. Then you've just presented yourself with a whole new set or worries. Unless you have something that runs in your family and is life threatening, I'd save the worry for other things.

As far as your offspring going through what you went through as a child: well, for starters, you now know why you went through what you did. You have numerous resources at your disposal. Many more than our parents had way back when.

I can tell you, kids are a major pain in the butt. I myself have ADD and NO patience. That makes my kids even bigger pains in the butt sometimes. My son is quite likely going to turn out exactly like me. *shrugs*

I'd have them both again in a heartbeat.

I'm willing to bet (though not speak for anyone) that any Mom here with a child who has special needs, ADHD, bipolar or a learning disability would tell you it's all worth it. Had I known I was bipolar before I had kids I think these thoughts would pass through my head but...

There's nothing saying my kids would be bipolar. If not bipolar than ADD, if not ADD then autistic, if not autistic then .... the list goes on. Some things are worth taking a second look at the genetic history. Sometimes there are serious illnesses that a couple needs to consider before having children. However, some things are a gamble. No one can guarantee you a perfectly healthy child.

Also, what do you equate ADD to? Some here have found that their ADD is a part of the way their brain works creatively. Some call it disabling, or a curse, or a learning disability. If you're seeing it as the latter, then I empathize with your concern but think big picture...is gambling that your child will definitely have it worth not having children at all? In addition, what is the difference between ADD when you were growing up and how they will treat it when your child reaches school age? As we've seen on this board, there's no one way to cope/handle/manage with it.

Not all parents are patient, not before or after they have kids. You don't have to be an exact copy of your Mom. Aspiring to be a more patient person is a worthy goal and you may surprise yourself.

Where are you in life? Married and discussing kids? How does your husband feel about having children? Are there any other health concerns? I'm not dismissing your feelings about ADD, only trying to be realistic and understanding of the bigger picture.
Well I am about to graduate college with a bachelors in marketing and still planning on working while my husband finishes his engineering degree. He is not concerned with having children right now.
I realize that there are more resources for ADHD now, and my child may even turn out to be gifted with ADHD, but this does not cause the world in it's unregulated natural behavior to be any kinder and say to the child "oh, you have add? well then that's ok that i think you're weird, i'll be your friend anyway." or to the teen "oh, add huh. well i will recognize you for your untapped potential instead of your outwardly rebellious and oppositional behavior" or to the adult "Well we will value and appreciate your originality and energetic approach to the world even though you are basically a social misfit and still can't help interupting people and dominating conversations"...
Just my POV...

Have you ever thought of adoption? lots of good kids out there with no one to look out for them.

I wouldn't have a child if I was bipolar but that's just my opinion of course. People are free to do whatever they want.

ADD isn't that bad in comparison to other problems. I'm sure if they were diagnosed and treated early they'd be ok.

I know people with bipolar disorder that have been stable for years on lithium and their children don't even know that they are bipolar, and depending on the hereditary pattern, in my case I know for a fact that my grandchildren would have it, and not my kids.

I personally wouldn't want kids because of the hereditary ADHD factor, severely hyperactive and antisocial, comes from my father's side and he walked out on my mother when I was two. I met my paternal grandmother and she said that her husband and all of her children were hyperactive and sociopathic by nature, and needless to say I have learned ways to combat the antisocial component to me (like post secondary education and lots of different therapies, and an aggressive approach, plus a nonjudgemental therapist who's countertransference techniques are slick nonetheless). My children will be that way.

A psychopath is worse than a bipolar. Trust me. When my personality needs more care than my mental illness as far as investing a lot of time into it, bipolar disorder is like a walk in the park.

I realize that there are more resources for ADHD now, and my child may even turn out to be gifted with ADHD, but this does not cause the world in it's unregulated natural behavior to be any kinder and say to the child "oh, you have add? well then that's ok that i think you're weird, i'll be your friend anyway." or to the teen "oh, add huh. well i will recognize you for your untapped potential instead of your outwardly rebellious and oppositional behavior" or to the adult "Well we will value and appreciate your originality and energetic approach to the world even though you are basically a social misfit and still can't help interupting people and dominating conversations"...
Just my POV...I totally agree that there's nothing that's going to change in society regarding ADD, at least not in the foreseeable future. However, your job as a Mother is not to change society. Your job is to raise your kids to deal with society. Now I realize there's a whole other argument about "why even have kids in this horror filled world".. blah blah blah. Yes aren't we selfish for having kids.

You're right. It's far better to head to the bomb shelter and wait for armageddon. What a saint we'll be for not giving in to that biological and heart filled desire to have a child so they can be spared the agony of a fat kid in the third grade with who has already learned to take out his own insecurity on the other kids.

Sure, you can not have kids and convince yourself for the rest of your life you're doing the right thing because there's so many bad people out there and what kind of person would bring a child into this world I mean seriously there's SARS for crying out loud.

OR, you can have kids, put your helmet on and raise your kids so they can have a life that has traditions and love and memories and they learn from their mistakes and they get cuts and bruises and they interact with the fat kid in the third grade but they don't lock themselves in the closet for a month because he called your kid a weirdo.

Clearly that's just my opinion.

I think having children is the most wonderful thing in this world. I'm 44, have 3 wonderful children I would do anything for, and feel that my life would be quite boring without them. I didn't confirm I had ADD until a couple of years ago.
You may regret your decision to not have children, at the very least adopt a child. My children have kept me young, laughing, being surprised by the unexpected. Before having my 1st child (at age 27, on the 27th of April - this must be the lucky number of the week), I was not very interested in holidays such as Christmas and many of the small things in life.
Yes, my 2 boys do have many signs of ADD, it's definitely genetic. But it doesn't stop them from leading normal lives, etc.

My advice would be... just love them and teach them no matter what may happen, life can be awful and great at times. I'm sure they would thank you for giving them life more than they would blame you for the ADHD. :)

"Well we will value and appreciate your originality and energetic approach to the world even though you are basically a social misfit and still can't help interupting people and dominating conversations"...
Actually, except for the interrupting thing, this is my husband and he's doing wonderful in his career. He's a machinist and he's found out how to make his ADD work for him, since he's usually running at least two machines, while working on at least one other project at the same time. His inability to stay focused on just one thing at a time has been turned into being the most productive worker at his plant, and his bosses have no intention of getting rid of him ever.

You shouldn't worry. It may seem like it, but not everyone is having kids, and not everyone wants to have kids. You shouldn't be made to feel bad (either by others, or yourself) for not wanting kids. It's your choice.

As for genetics, it's a crap shoot. My oldest son is ADHD/Asperger's, while my youngest seems to be on the road to being a NT. Both are very smart (the older is qualified for the gifted program at school), and both are very different at times. There really is no way to say 100% that any kids you have would even have ADHD, your odds are just increased.

Whatever you do, make the decision that is right for you, not someone else. :)

I'm 28 and I've never been married, had children or been in a serious long term relationship...no I'm not a virgin or a lesbian either but that's a different story:p

I've had mixed views on having children, there are times where I wonder if it would be the right thing to do not only by the child but for me as well, I'm not worried if the child gets ADHD but it does concern me if it got SID (Sensory Integration Dysfunction) as that's a hell of difficult disorder to have (My mother and I both have it in varying degrees) I'm also worried where this world is actually going and what it's future is...so I'm not too sure if I want to bring a child into this world and the other factor I also don't want to bring a child into an unhappy and unstable marriage or relationship, so if I was to ever have have a child I would assess the marriage or relationship first to make sure it was the right thing to do....I guess you just have to weigh it up and make the decision you think is best, in my case I would only try to have a baby if that's what any future boyfriend/husband really wanted...but first I have to find a boyfriend/husband....anyone here interested??...NO I'm just kidding here:p

If you're one of these people who don't want children...there's nothing wrong with that regardless of your reasons and I can totally understand your concern of the child possibly getting ADHD or a related condition...I think every ADDer can understand and has thought about it at some stage.

Selena:)
I am 27 and still am not wanting to have a baby like everyone I know is. ADHD has been passed for 4 generations in my family (supposedly, since there was no testing back then) I am so scared that my child will be ADHD like me and go through the same kind of terrible time I had in school and trying to make friends and feeling like they are so different from everyone else. Plus I have no patience like my mom did.
Has anyone else ever had this cross their mind???
Is this normal at all???

I agree... I feel the same way as you. I'm 24 and all my mates are clucky... I'd love to be married but don't feel that burning desire to have 'my own' kids. Later in life I'd love to be a foster mum or adopt.

If you're one of these people who don't want children...there's nothing wrong with that regardless of your reasons

I agree - I think those who do not wish to have children deserve respect for preventing over population. There are enough people reproducing that the human species is not going to become extinct because some choose against having children for what ever reason.

For the record I already have three children but have only been pregnant twice - however I do respect others who choose to to forgo having children no one should be "pressured" into having off spring.

I guess my impression of your post, is that you want children someday, but not right now and the reason you're concerned about having children at all is the risk of ADD. So I thought it was a matter of uneasiness and insecurity that needed reassurance.

If I'm mistaken and really you're feeling like you don't want children ever, then only you and your husband can decide on the reasons you don't and you don't have to feel guilty for making that choice. You're "normal", because it's your adult decision.

When and if you want children you'll know it's the right time. That's when you can hash through the pros and cons concerning a child who possibly has ADD (or other LD, etc), with your husband. (obviously before trying to conceive, but right now it sounds like it's a non-issue)

I would love to get married and have my own children but I have compelling reasons for adopting instead: my untreated ADD and severe memory problems, my mum also has memory problems, my youger brother is slightly autistic and has limited speech plus I'm going to be 37 this year and I have fertility issues. It is quite difficult trying to find a good man, let alone finding a man who would be willing to adopt or just use his sperm but use someone else's egg.

I think ADD or not, having children is not something that is an easy choice for some. I always wanted to be single w/o kids (but rich!!) The latter wasn't possible on my own, so my second thought was a D.I.N.K. (double income,no kids!) The man I met and married was so wanting to have kids, hence, I had one. Then, 4 yrs later, didn't like the only child syndrome, had another. Wow, I didn't know about ADD then, I definitely would have never had them if I knew what life would be like, for them and me!!! Sorry, I love them, but I feel I gave up my life for them because of my ADD H. Thought my DH problems were caused from his upbringing until my son was diagnosed ADHD. Lightbulb!
He still lives his life but I am here making sure the kids are looked after, fed, etc.
Yup, and I am the one that wanted to have a life of travelling and I am the one sitting here looking after OUR kids, while my ADD spouse is on a week business trip for a company he doesn't even think he will stay with! (this has been common throughout our marriage!) Am I resentful and hating myself for the decisions I have made in my life???!!!
I didn't have my first until I was 32, so you think I should have known better.....Just be glad you will at least know what you might will be dealing with if you choose to make that decision!

I respect all of you who are concerned about having kids because you might pass down your adhd. I'm more selfish. I'm worried about not being able to handle it myself. My husband and I are almost 31 so we have some time yet, but this will definitely factor in to our decision.

Both of my boys have ADHD/Oppositional Defiant Disorder.

If one parent had ADD, there's a 40% chance at least one child will have it because it IS genetic.

i don't know. i guess if i had been aware...i mean REALLY aware... that my children would have to suffer from what i've been through...i probably would have chosen not to have children at all and spare them this. i mean, if you had a physical genetic defect that would be passed to a child, wouldn't you want to spare them that? i just happen to see a mental defect in the same way.

I have ADHD and my daughter probably does. She's 13 and awesome. She's non-conformist and smart and pensive and cynical and totally awesome. I'm not a "normal" parent, but I do well enough. If you want a kid, have a kid. Love him or her, listen to him or her, be yourself and he or she will probably be fine.

If you don't want a kid. Don't have one, but I personally wouldn't let ADHD be a reason against you.

Peace

I totally understand where you all are at. I have felt like that, and somewhat feel like that. But I have this 3 yo little boy who is spunky, super smart, obnoxious, and cunning. He both drives me nuts and overjoys me.

If he turns out ADD it will be something we can share. I now know a good bit about ADD and medications, and will be glad to help him work though his problems, and be his advocate.

This is a far distance as the way I was raised with spanking and no empathy for the 'kid that did not get it'. We are learning about Positive Discipline, and I am sure that Ty will have the life I didn't get to live. I am pretty well out of touch with my family, have ****ed off more people than I can count, and have been underemployed for years.

Have faith, learn about Positive Discipline, and read lots about raising kids. Its more rewarding than you could imagine.

When I worry about having children, whether or not they might end up having ADHD feels like the least of my worries (and it's fairly likely, seeing as DH and I both do).

Perhaps it's selfish, but I worry more about my own mental health when I think about having kids....

I always thought I wanted to have kids up until I took care of a friend's 2 year old son for three days while she was having surgery.... He was one of those little kids that if you peel one eye off of him for a second will get into something... I spent the entire three days bored out of my gourd because I couldn't DO ANYTHING with the kid in the room. No sitting on the couch with the laptop, he'd rip it out of my hands and throw it on the floor. No sitting knitting, he'd try to steal the needles out of my hands or run off with the ball of yarn. I could barely watch TV or else he'd run off and get into something somewhere else. Worst part? I wasn't even ALONE with the child the majority of this time. I think I was alone with the kiddo for maybe a total of 5 hours in three days time?

After that experience, I had some SERIOUS doubts about my ability to handle kids.

Some people were meant to have children, and some were not. It's nothing to be ashamed about either way. And just because someone physically CAN, does not mean they should.

Take me for example. i have spent the last 15 years caring for behaviorally challenged children and teens. You name it, i have dealt with it, and i'm like a supernanny for children that have some SERIOUS problems. i'm good at what i do, i enjoy it...but at the end of the day it's my job. At 5pm, i get to go home, and not have to deal with it. And i've accepted this about myself. My oldest is 17, and my youngest is 9. i can't even imagine adding a baby and having to go through it all over again.

And my positive post about having a kid does belie all of the struggles. My little tyrant can leave us both exhausted, and wanting to sleep, but there is the job, the house, and the dogs needing to be cared for. It is far easier if one of us were to stay at home, but we can't afford it.:D

Not to mention I have ADHD and want to be an exercise jock not a house cleaner, and I am sensitive enough to the tantrums I want to run away from the worst of it, not deal with it.:eek:

But we both understand that life gets better after 3 years old, even if it is mostly about us changing, not him.:eek:

Sometimes I wonder if having a kid was the right thing to do for me. I sure wanted one my whole life, and I don't have that hanging over my head, but it is a ball game that a single person cannot comprehend. But he is my little boy, and I adore him!:)

Rob

No sitting on the couch with the laptop, he'd rip it out of my hands and throw it on the floor. No sitting knitting, he'd try to steal the needles out of my hands or run off with the ball of yarn. I could barely watch TV or else he'd run off and get into something somewhere else.

Activity normal for three year old destructive behavior NOT - I have a hyperactive grandson - this is not some thing he would do - jump on the couch yes - destroy property intentionally no!

I have 4 kids, one with Asperger's, one who has "issues yet to be determined", and one who is likely just plain old gifted. #4 was the only one we had to discuss in the context of our history of neurological differences, since everyone else was here pre-dx. We came to the realization that we've been able to handle the rest of the kids pretty darn well without preparation. How could it possibly be harder to raise one when you already know what to look for?

I could have been NT and had ADHD children. I could have had blind children, deaf children, MR children. Hey- I could have had *ugly children! There are no guarantees, even with genetic testing, embryo shopping, or playing Mozart to your belly for 9 months.
Anyone who desires children is taking a chance that they will not meet their ideas of perfection. That also goes for people adopting infants, toddlers, older children, domestically and internationally. You either accept that risk, or you don't. How ironic would it be to adopt for fear of passing on ADD, only to have the child dx'ed a few years down the road?
I do sometimes think about adopting an older child down the road, and I believe I'd *prefer a child with ADHD or AS. I think I understand those things much better than I do "normal".

My aunt, who is one of my best friends, chose to remain childless for unspecified reasons. She adores spending time with my kids, but she also loves being able to go home to her child-free life. I am often quite jealous. :)

It's OK to not have kids. Unfortunately, we are not going to be able to impose limits on the number of children people will have world-wide. But resource shortages (water, food, energy), wars, plagues, and declining quality of life will reduce the population whether we like it or not. I used to want kids, but I'm too pessimistic about it now. Even if you don't want to have kids because they might develop ADD or bipolar, you could still adopt if you wanted too. That way you could help someone who's already here.

naturechick80,

The choice is yours whether to have kids or not. You shouldn't feel pressured into it. I have been on a lot of forums over the years and it is becoming perfectly clear that whether to have children or not is becoming a very serious choice people are making. And I am reading more and more about people who do not want to have children. I got married and had my children before I realised that I had a choice. Back then it was just expected of you. I wouldn't change anything now but if I had it to do over...... I would think very seriously about what having children meant in terms of giving over your life to them. I applaud you.

Well there is a bit of a bright side... having dealt with these issues/conditions yourself, you have more insight than a non-ADD parent might with an ADD child.

I have a family history of ADD, BP/depression, and anxiety problems as well as having these conditions myself. At one point I may have felt that I might not be a good candidate for passing on genes but since I've found way sof coping and having a much happier life and have seen other do so as well, I realize that it's not a sentence of misery.. it's all in how you deal with it. And the extra creativity, intelligence, etc that often comes with these conditions are certainly good traits to pass on.

I dunno... I definitely want to have a kid or two once I'm in the position to do so. I have a family history of diabetes but that doesn't mean my kids will have it or that I shouldn't have kids. It does mean that I'll keep a closer eye out for indication of such so it could be controlled as early as possible, but I won't have a constant concern about it.
I kinda see the mental health stuff similarly. It's bound to be a challenge but raising kids always is. And there's always a chance that a child could end up with any number of mental or physical difficulties. You just do the best you can.

I'll take my chances and do the best I possibly can. What else can anyone do?

When I worry about having children, whether or not they might end up having ADHD feels like the least of my worries (and it's fairly likely, seeing as DH and I both do).

Perhaps it's selfish, but I worry more about my own mental health when I think about having kids....

I always thought I wanted to have kids up until I took care of a friend's 2 year old son for three days while she was having surgery.... He was one of those little kids that if you peel one eye off of him for a second will get into something... I spent the entire three days bored out of my gourd because I couldn't DO ANYTHING with the kid in the room. No sitting on the couch with the laptop, he'd rip it out of my hands and throw it on the floor. No sitting knitting, he'd try to steal the needles out of my hands or run off with the ball of yarn. I could barely watch TV or else he'd run off and get into something somewhere else. Worst part? I wasn't even ALONE with the child the majority of this time. I think I was alone with the kiddo for maybe a total of 5 hours in three days time?

After that experience, I had some SERIOUS doubts about my ability to handle kids.

no offense intended to your friend, but that's a discipline issue. Other peoples kids REALLY irritate me. My kids are disciplined according to my belief system.