What do you do, or how do you handle people in your lives that know you/are always around you, yet dont know or understand ADHD.

These certain people in my lives are great, they have giving my plenty of oppurtunity to pursue college studies (yet I keep failing..lost interest, take longer then is needed, lose motivation/ambition, trying again..just to fail then having to keep that failure a secret.....)

Anyways, these people DO NOT, and, are NOT capable of understanding ADHD. They would see it only as a pathetic excuse. They demand perfection in everything, from cleaning to working, to getting up at the crack of dawn, to going to bed early, they expect ALL WORK and NO PLAY lifestyle.

Which can be quite overwhelming. Not to mention that the amount of "fakness" that I have to put on when socializing with them (yes school is great....yes I am so happy with my life....yes...yes.... ) that it can be incredibly draining.

So anyways, like I said, they wake up at the crack of dawn, and,expect everyone else to do the same. You are literally not aloud to do anything but work...whether its homework, working a job, cleaning the house.....there must always be something.

Problem is that I NEED sleep. I NEED LOTS of sleep. I can sleep for up to 15hrs if I could, but, still wake up tired.

They cant understand this and call me lazy.
They could never understand my depression over my failure to NOT finish school (again)
They cant understand anything about me.
They cant understand my hyper-sensitive emotions.
They cant understand anything really about me.. or anyone other then, themselves.
No one is ever good enough to them, and, this places mountains of expectations and pressure on me.

I cant even live up to MY OWN expectations.. how am I expected to live up to someone elses?!

What can I do ?
How do you get around these kinds of things while still keeping ADHD a secret?

My experience is different because my ADHD is the hyper kind, I generally have problems because I am so high strung and impulsive.

Without dexedrine people are envious of my energy and often people have something to say about me being high strung. If people who I perceive as a threat ask me if I have ADHD (these people like to find weak spots) I deny it.

My point is that other people should mind their own business, often when people are pointing fingers at you it allows them to not have to look at them.

Me and mom have that kind of issue. I'm just lazy in her eyes...*shrugs* My mom has been this way towards me her whole life, even when I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD.

The only coping thing I've managed to find is either walking away from the yelling or listening, but letting it go in one ear and out the other. It's taken a long time for me to build up the tough skin towards her, but whether I'm trying to do better or I'm not...it doesn't change her. Kind of makes me think she's the one with the problem...not me, so I keep telling myself she just has undiagnosed issues of her own.

I hope things get better for you...I feel for you because I remember how it was when I actually cared what people close to me thought. If you ever just talk about what your going through you can message me anytime...I'm on quite often.

I have people similar in my life, and this is the way I did/would handle this. (My husband is almost exactly like this, but I've already dealt with him...)

I would simply tell them that their expectations of you cannot be met because you have ADD. *at this point you would hand over the folder of all the ADD information you've compiled, complete with your doctors name and number so they can discuss specifics if need be*.

Tell them straight on you're not lazy, you just have to learn to do things differently than they do. They have two choices: be open minded and learn about it or be close minded and slowly begin closing that door that you have open to them.

When things like this present themselves, it's interesting to see just how quickly we can separate our friends and family into two different groups. Those that love us and are willing to accept most anything, and those that love us, but only as long as we don't ask anything of them, like understanding us when we're not the way they think we should be.

I was always thought I was a disappointment to my mum......alot of my life I tried to live up to her ideals....then when I got to know her better I realised she was pushing her failures onto me. Although she apparently kept an immaculate home and was always in control...it was just a big sham.

Took a while to twig....she was just like me..only maintained a better cover story!

Sad...she died several years ago..cancer at age 60....it would have been interesting to talk to her about my diagnosis and what it means......wish I could have had that time.

kilt

kilt

My family and long term friends have always given me a lot off slack and understanding, they seem to know more about me than I do. My parents never really raised there voice or punished me harshly, just helped me out after I'd calmed down. I had a lot of extra tuition etc that got me through school and just basically good support for life's difficulties.

Its different at work and with people who dont know me aswell. My boss thinks I smoke pot at work (effecting my over reactions and attentiveness) which I don't, he knows I have done at home but gave up a couple weeks ago. I was worse long before starting drugs and he hasn't seen me at my real worst.

My mum died 3 years ago or so and she was my only true friend. Its been hardwork since, doing everything myself and messing up without her support.

Have you had a proper diagnosis and are you currently taking medication? If you choose to manage your ADHD through medication, symptoms like the chronic fatigue may become less or dissapear altogether but I'm not saying for sure.

To be honest, you can't keep ADHD a secret. I mean, they (whoever they may be) can see your inattentiveness, your hyperactivity, emotions etc. The only difference is that you have a name and rationale to your behaviour, they don't.

There are a lot of issues here, and I'm not sure a forum like this is the best place to address them. I would encourage you to seek professional guidance because I think some of what you're struggling with doesn't have so much to do with ADHD as something else.

Those people in your life may never really understand or accept ADHD, which is why you have to manage your symptoms in spite of what they say. You cannot wait for their approval or understanding before taking action.

So since I probably would have noticed if you'd been stalking me you must have ESPN or something ;) Pretty much everything you said is spot on for me and I actually spent about half and hour crying about it today because sometimes it just gets too hard.

Like, wow. Pretty much me right there.

What do you do, or how do you handle people in your lives that know you/are always around you, yet dont know or understand ADHD.

These certain people in my lives are great, they have giving my plenty of oppurtunity to pursue college studies (yet I keep failing..lost interest, take longer then is needed, lose motivation/ambition, trying again..just to fail then having to keep that failure a secret.....)

Anyways, these people DO NOT, and, are NOT capable of understanding ADHD. They would see it only as a pathetic excuse. They demand perfection in everything, from cleaning to working, to getting up at the crack of dawn, to going to bed early, they expect ALL WORK and NO PLAY lifestyle.

Which can be quite overwhelming. Not to mention that the amount of "fakness" that I have to put on when socializing with them (yes school is great....yes I am so happy with my life....yes...yes.... ) that it can be incredibly draining.

So anyways, like I said, they wake up at the crack of dawn, and,expect everyone else to do the same. You are literally not aloud to do anything but work...whether its homework, working a job, cleaning the house.....there must always be something.

Problem is that I NEED sleep. I NEED LOTS of sleep. I can sleep for up to 15hrs if I could, but, still wake up tired.

They cant understand this and call me lazy.
They could never understand my depression over my failure to NOT finish school (again)
They cant understand anything about me.
They cant understand my hyper-sensitive emotions.
They cant understand anything really about me.. or anyone other then, themselves.
No one is ever good enough to them, and, this places mountains of expectations and pressure on me.

I cant even live up to MY OWN expectations.. how am I expected to live up to someone elses?!

What can I do ?
How do you get around these kinds of things while still keeping ADHD a secret?

hey cant understand this and call me lazy.
They could never understand my depression over my failure to NOT finish school (again)
They cant understand anything about me.
They cant understand my hyper-sensitive emotions.
They cant understand anything really about me.. or anyone other then, themselves.
No one is ever good enough to them, and, this places mountains of expectations and pressure on me.

I cant even live up to MY OWN expectations.. how am I expected to live up to someone elses?!

hat can I do ?
How do you get around these kinds of things while still keeping ADHD a secret?

Simple I don't. . . . .what ya see is what ya get period.

If I had to live like this in my own home I would be a raving maniac . . .think dangerous psychopath.

You may have ADD but they have some sort of personality disorder big time. Healthy people do not behave in this manner if you have any choice in the matter separate yourself from them as much as possible. If you have to live with people like this then do the separation mentally and emotionally {use your ADD as an advantage - inattentive zone out if hyperactive move about}


Simple ADD dyslexic truth - that will help you deal with the emotionally challenging individuals.

* We don't behave based upon who others are but we behave, think and speak according to who we are The same holds true for others -

* You are not responsible for their behavior nor are their emotions under your control no matter how many times they try to blame you for them.

*Calling a mouse a cookie will not make it taste any better - just because some one calls you a name doesn't make it a global truth. . . .

* Their perceptions their accusations, attitudes and thoughts do not constitute your reality only their own.

The above will hopefully help you begin to form a boundary of protection that will assist you in seeing where you end and they begin -

Hope this helps

:)

Have you been tested for a SLEEP DISORDER, Veighen?

Sleeping 15 hours makes me concerned for you...

They ARE covered under OHIP.

thanks for all the great replies.

I havent been tested yet for ADHD officially. Although my psychiatrist did prescribe me medications for it... we started with Ritalin (made me worse) then DEX (lost all motivations, but, could do my hw better and faster) then Adderall XR (still dont have quite all the motivation, yet I have the energy to at least "try" although... It totally confused me, because, I realized a new way of thinking unlike the way I have thought about things for so many years.. that now... as a result has left me totally oblivious.

Almost as if I have to re-learn how to problem solve...etc...etc..

There is NO WAY, I could ever tell these people about ADHD, and, I admit that who they are can be considered somewhat toxic. I have been miserable every moment I am exposed to them. This has gone on for years now. They suck me dry of all my hope, all the life in me, all my love, respect.... they have squashed my immature imagination.. and thrust in my face a life of hard reality, facts, hardwork, a cruel world without caring, or love... leaving only a fake reality behind of who I "SHOULD BE" who.. they think they are.. and wish to be.... and how no one ever really cares about or appreciates the next person.

This makes me miserable.

Before these people.. I had hope.. I had love.. I had admiration...

Perhaps I was oblivious.. but, I had my immature and unrealistic goals to help me along the way.... they have now robbed me of those even..

Left me with nothing... no will to try.. no imagination... no hope.. no nothing.

I'm lost.

Is this what life is all about"?

Is this a "grown up" life?

Is this what it means to grow up and take on responsibility? To be miserable?

If so, its just not worth it.

s this what it means to grow up and take on responsibility? To be miserable?

To be responsible for YOUR actions behavior attitudes and need and that of off spring if applicable - yes that is part of growing up

To be miserable all the time HELL NO!!! Although we all have those times when life takes a dump on us but constant misery - no - now for the crux of this message - Only you can change it - part of growing up learning you are responsible for your own happiness.

s this what life is all about"?

What your life is about is up to you l - it is after all your life.

I think DeloresMelon gave some good advice.

What I've done in my case is if I'm not going to get a particular amount of support from a person or if I think they'll be toxic, I'll distance myself from them (either emotionally, physically, or both).

I can empathsize a bit with your situation. I knew a couple people once who did the same behaviors you described that group doing, even when I told them not to. The sick part of it was, then they'd turn around and question how I could ever doubt they could be concerned for me. Heh. Once I cut those people out of my life, a lot of things got better.

In your case it sounds like several issues are going on at once here. The sleeping for 15 hours thing could be a sign of a sleep disorder, or it could be a depression symptom. Hard to tell without you going to a doc and getting it figured out.

The other thing is why associate with these people who are sucking you dry? Is there any way you can move out to somewhere else?

Veighen,

My heart breaks for you after reading what kind of living conditions you have to endure. I'm assuming these people "support you" in some way? or are sort of like "dorm mates" or "dorm parents" (in other words, they are people you CANNOT LEAVE right now without some kind of intense hardship)? Because if you CAN remove yourself from the company of these folks, I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE (beg) you to do so.

It has been suggested by many professionals that ADHDers surround themselves with SUPPORTIVE people (plus - I just believe that EVERYONE should surround themselves with SUPPORTIVE people). Having to spend so much time with toxic people is very damaging. And the DAMAGE is worsened by the fact that it's the kind of damage that's INVISIBLE to so many people, unfortunately, which can make it difficult to access the healing treatment needed for recovery from such damage.

Please do not lose hope! It is THEM, NOT YOU, who are the "lost losers." I am guessing that you are a younger person (early twenties?), and, as someone who also was very miserable in the same way you are (and for very similar reasons), I want to ASSURE YOU that things WILL GET BETTER!! Please don't give up! Try to find something you can ENJOY to focus on instead of the messages these sick people are giving you.

I would also recommend that you get rid of any guilt and shame they might have instilled - NOW! You don't need it. It doesn't help you. You KNOW that you will have to take complete care of yourself in the future - but we all do that IN OUR OWN WAY!

Some people are wired such that they have this compulsive need to CONSTANTLY be ACCOMPLISHING SOMETHING "productive"!! (Not me.) Some people insist on paying CASH for everything they buy - even a new car. (Not me.) We all have our OWN PATH to go down and our OWN WAY of getting to wherever it is WE ARE MEANT TO GET TO! Nobody else has the right to tell us what we SHOULD be doing and how we SHOULD be doing it (which is what these folks are doing to you). It's totally obnoxious and ignorant of them!! Anyway - most people understand that you get more flies with honey than with vinegar (is that how it goes?). They're NUTS!

I wish I lived near you so I could take you under my wing a little or at least be a sounding board and a "warm place to fall" (I DISLIKE Dr. Phil, but I DO like this saying of his).

Please keep us posted and let us help you get through the bad times. I'm worried about you.


Sue

Who ARE these people and do you HAVE to associate with them? I like to keep the life thought for myself that if they aren't bringing me joy, peace, happiness, or at least food ... they gots to go. Negative people in your life are not going to do you any good. Regardless of what intentions they claim they have.

There are simply some people in our lives we have to remove for our own good. Now if these are folks that you don't have that option, than you need a different course of action obviously.

If they are merely IN your life and not supporting you financially or providing you room and board at their own expense, then your dealings with them should be far and few. Plus, do what I do around my in laws, tolerate them.

I almost always say the seemingly wrong thing in their presence, but it sure makes me laugh. I've long since learned they are narrow minded, old school, and backwards in nearly everything they think and believe. Since I can't just up and remove them from my life, I just have fun with it.

Honestly, what do I care if they think I'm crazy. They do, but it doesn't affect my life in any way. I actually look forward to being around them now, *obviously this has taken years to get to this point*, just so I have ample opportunities to see how much sh*t I can stir. Just for fun.

However, if you're in the other situation where these people are paying for you in some way, then you may just have to bite the bullet for a bit longer if you're positive they wouldn't understand. I'm always the first to say "oh, you never know they may surprise you..", but I guess these things are best left to you.

you are all very right, and, I appreciate all your replies.

I am currently being financially supported by these people. Please dont mistake the fact that I have the absolute appreciation that these people even bothered to take me in.

And, I do understand much like what one poster had said.. that their controlling, perfectionism was to make up for their own imperfections (I truly believe this is the case)

I feel like I have been handed a silver platter, yet, I am inprisoned by it at the same time. I dont believe I would have RUSHED into pursuing an education (and the resulting loan debts) if it wasnt for their pre-conditioned expectations.... perhaps if I wasnt rushed into it.. then maybe I wouldnt have failed... twice now.

In one hand I hear "life" telling me to suck it all up, take responsibility and quit making excuses.... then on the otherside.. I can be at times almost handicapped by my depression... unable to move, or think, or pull myself out of the misery I have caused myself by FAILING to be what I am "SUPPOSE TO BE"...

Then on another hand.. I hear.. "well you have it better then most people..." but it doesnt always feel this way... the pressure, the expectations.... the feelings of always failing.. never measuring up... and never being allowed to just BE MYSELF creates its own hell...not to mention the guilt that I should be taking this oppurtunity and running with it!!!....oh the guilt.. hurts the most... how much time I have wasted.. I should be light years ahead by now.... but I havent advanced at all.

I cant be myself around these people. They dont allow it. they have closed their minds off to any other thoughts then what they want to see or hear.
Which is why I could NEVER tell them about ADHD. Half the time I cant even tell them I am tired.. or have a headache for their dis-respectful glances and negative gossip spreading behind my back.

I find myself (after being taught by their son on how to react to them... ) forced to shield them from my reality... to lie to them.. if I am in a bad mood.. I must show them I am happy.. because, believe it or not.. one time I failed to do so.. and was met with increased hostility, was screamed at for all my failures, and, called a pathetic life.. just because I made her feel uneasy.

She literally took my having a bad day.. as some form of attack against herself.. and reacted with a severe hostile defensiveness that pulled out every mistake I have ever made and threw it back at me ten fold.

I wish I could escape this place....but I cant.

I wish I could grow up and take responsiblity..but, honestly... its seems like they have reduced me to mush... inferior... and ashamed.... a fake.. that everyone knows about.... a lie.... a failure.

I can never measure up.. and I should feel guilt for thining/feeling the way I do.. when I "have it so damn good"...........

If I could go back.. I would, I would forfit it all just to be happy... with who I am.. my decisions.. and my life.

What do you do, or how do you handle people in your lives that know you/are always around you, yet dont know or understand ADHD.

These certain people in my lives are great, they have giving my plenty of oppurtunity to pursue college studies (yet I keep failing..lost interest, take longer then is needed, lose motivation/ambition, trying again..just to fail then having to keep that failure a secret.....)

Anyways, these people DO NOT, and, are NOT capable of understanding ADHD. They would see it only as a pathetic excuse. They demand perfection in everything, from cleaning to working, to getting up at the crack of dawn, to going to bed early, they expect ALL WORK and NO PLAY lifestyle.

Which can be quite overwhelming. Not to mention that the amount of "fakness" that I have to put on when socializing with them (yes school is great....yes I am so happy with my life....yes...yes.... ) that it can be incredibly draining.

So anyways, like I said, they wake up at the crack of dawn, and,expect everyone else to do the same. You are literally not aloud to do anything but work...whether its homework, working a job, cleaning the house.....there must always be something.

Problem is that I NEED sleep. I NEED LOTS of sleep. I can sleep for up to 15hrs if I could, but, still wake up tired.

They cant understand this and call me lazy.
They could never understand my depression over my failure to NOT finish school (again)
They cant understand anything about me.
They cant understand my hyper-sensitive emotions.
They cant understand anything really about me.. or anyone other then, themselves.
No one is ever good enough to them, and, this places mountains of expectations and pressure on me.

I cant even live up to MY OWN expectations.. how am I expected to live up to someone elses?!

What can I do ?
How do you get around these kinds of things while still keeping ADHD a secret?V, you know...I am so glad I didn't even know I had ADHD through those turbulent years....I managed to build up mechanisms etc, and I didn't even know why...

now, I accept me for me...but I'm a lot older, and you have a long time to catch up...I hope you are feeling better..and I'm sure, even though I tried to just help with words of wisdom..it just sounded plain weird ..

I'm here for you..and understand you totally..

hugs
xxx

How do you get around these kinds of things while still keeping ADHD a secret?
Simple I don't. . . . .what ya see is what ya get period. I agree, dont keep it a secret. That does not mean you have to talk non stop to everyone. ADD is not something to be ashamed of. Yes I understand that because I have ADD there will be many many times I will not fit in just the right way with those around me, does not mean I am a bad person, just different. No longer do we have to conform to what society mandates as normal, we just do things differntly. Its like the old riddle: How many ADD people take to screw in a light bulb? would you look at the way the light comes in the window, it reflects off the floor like a peice of art.

I'm getting the impression you are in a most destructive situation and frankly, no amount of money would make it worth it.

This situation you're in is not doing you any good, and frankly it's unhealthy. If you're going through schooling to do something THEY think you should do, and giving you crap because you're not deliriously happy about it, my suggestion is to run, not walk to the nearest exit.

Is anything about your situation something YOU want? Are you doing anything at all that is YOUR desire?

Keep in mind, I'm trying to keep up with your posts pre-adderall so I'm trying to gleen all I can from the posts. I may be way off base, but from what I can tell they're handing you a free ticket to hell only because they've decided it's where you belong.

thanks again for all your replies.

I dont understand how I ended up in this situation and I'm not asking for pity, because, I "have it all" right now. I should be on my knees thanking the stars I am being supported during this time..... but, why I am still so miserable...?

I think I might have caught a small glimpse why..... earlier today I was in one of my normal bubbly moods, happy, sitting playing a game, and, full of energy.. so I started talking non stop... not really about anything... just kinda amusimg myself... blabbing non-sense....starting singing little silly songs that I made up.... when the son of the people that are supporting me told me.....

"quiet! they will hear you....."

I said.. "so? .."

He then told me how I know I cant go around singing non-sense like that because of what they would think and how they wouldnt like it.....

believe it or not.. in the past..he has even told me not to laugh at something things.. or giggle too loudly because they wouldnt like that...can you believe it? I'm not even aloud to have fun.

This is their son. Telling me how to behave.. how he has learned to behave around them, because, they cant tolerate it, or know how to handle it.

This is when I got sad.. I then said to him "So.. I cant even be myself then..?"

And he replied... "nope, and neither can I, you know that! "

Sad....sad...sad...

this is why I am Miserable.

I have enough trouble trying to figure out how I am, where I belong.. and then I am told I can just be me.

Sadder still... is that their son.. cant either.

Sounds like a horrible situation but at least you have the son to talk to.

I think we all sometimes have to deal with people like the ones you mention, and no we can't be ourselves around them :( I've gotten better at dealing with this kind of thing and it doesn't bother me much anymore. I can be myself in plenty of other situations. I don't think you can avoid these people in life, gotta learn how to put up with them without it upsetting you. Being tolerant is annoying sometimes :( (wrote this without reading original post, looks like it's very hard to put up with them)

You'll get out of there eventually won't you? Focus on something that makes you happy and you can put your energy into.

It sounds like college isn't really working out for you at the moment. Couldn't you get a job of some sort? It'd get you out of the house and you'd be making your own money and could move out. You can always do college later on! Just remember the most important thing is looking after yourself and your happiness

You could get an interesting job that you like, make some money and get your own place. You might find going back to college easier in that environment I think.