Why is it that when I speak or write, people put words in my mouth? First of all I'm talking about someone on my low carb site.
I was telling a friend, how the men in my life, never told me I was beautiful. And I said, it didn't matter to me for its their actions that I valued for many men say you are beautiful to get what they want, that is what I experienced.
He said, "Great, How am I ever going to meet that expectation of yours!!"
I went "Huh?"
And now I'm not being spoken to. Great, just great.

Sometimes I think Adders speak a different language. I find myself being honest most of the time. I also can be blunt. I don't beat around the bush and I don't say things and mean another.
But when I talk to people, I'm accused of these things!! Why?
Is it my odd way of talking? Am I confusing them?
For those who have seen how I write here. Could you let me know how I write? Thanks.

I think you write just fine Kassie. Maybe they can't read between the lines. They do that to me to...if I one thing they suspect I mean another...what up with that..what I say is what I mean..get a clue guys come on!!!!! We speak and write just fine, it's that they think we are speaking the launguage of stupid. When actaully, we can't speak the launguage ILLITERACY> Just Keep on being your self Kassie like you always have been doing...My with some people you need a translator for english into english. THANK GOD WE DON"T SPEAK NORM.....if that the case of ADDers having our own launguage!

Kassie: Any chance some people seem to be receiving mixed messages from you? Not that that's what you MEAN to put out there......but some people might be confused......and so may not feel as if they would know how to meet your needs....(your friend says it in the form of meeting expectations)

Like the conversation above -- it sort of suggests that you would LIKE to be told you are beautiful (or you wouldn't have said men never told you you were)....and then it says later that you really don't care.....that it's the actions that matter....So what message are you trying to get across? That you want to be told you are beautiful -- or do you not want to be told this??? The real truth is not evident...and this may be the case in other areas of your relations....

Yes I believe you're honest most of the time....and blunt....but in a real subtle way -- there may be some confusion as to what message you're trying to convey.....

No, you don't say things and mean another -- but people might not be able to interpret what it is you truly are saying....

and even if they know what you are saying -- they may think you actually MEAN something else......again -- mixed messages....

Does this make sense?

That's a weird conclusion for him to draw from that; but even though he misunderstood you (Happens to me all the time too; I have no idea what it is)...

..maybe he should be taken literally, and that he DID understand you- that to judge one by his actions and not his words is expecting too much (I mean in HIS opinion- not mine!). If that's true you're not missing much. His misunderstanding could have come from feeling threatened.. he must think that he is all talk or something like that. It could have been a totally subconscious misunderstanding on his part in that respect, if that makes any sense

That's just an idea, because with me I've noticed some people misinterpreting me on a subconscious level somehow (esp. with very high strung sensitive and defensive types.. not like I don't fit into that category!).

Good luck, I think we all know how frustrating this is... wish I knew a way to get everyone to always understand what I mean; or at least even for most of the time.. uh, I'd even settle for 20% of the time

I dunno Kassie... my marriage would be a hell of a lot HAPPIER if my wife spoke like you do...

Kassie,

You are a beautiful, thoughtful and kind person. Your friend completly butchered what you said and YES you are absolutly 100% right. I have had many people claim to care only to manipulate. ACTION'S DO SPEAK LOUDER THEN WORDS!!!!!

I would try sending a message explaining exactly what you meant and if this person cannot see his mistake then maybe he is just not worth your time in the first place. Nobody is happy trying to meet someone else's standards and he already think's they are set.

I'm probably the last person you should listen to right now; but, I just wanted you to know that I think you are incredibly special and I understood what you said.

Much love and respect
Cherity

I guess I should explain what start the conversation with my friend. He felt I was down (which is another thing that bothers me but I degress) and he asked if my ex husbands ever told me I was beautiful. And that is how this whole thing started.

I was trying to say, that being told that I'm beautiful, yes its nice, but to me, its actions that are more of an indicator that I'm loved.

Which does puzzle me for my love languages are words of affermation, which is not to be confused with words like compliments. Words of affermation are like: "Dinner you made last night was terrific! I hope we have it again." or "Kassie, the work you did on the last project was great, the client really appriciated it."

My friend in question, is the same one who thinks from time to time that I am deciteful, shallow etc. (Only when he's angry) but once in a while, he calls me beautiful. Which I say thank you and move on. The last time he called me that, he was so angry that I didn't compliment him back, he didn't speak to me for two days....
Why do I have him as a friend?! I'm nuts.

Cherity-Thank you so much, you always make me smile. :)
Paul- Hence why communication is so important :)
Joan- Thank you so much, you really clarified and helped me focus my thoughts on this one. :)

Kass,

It is good that you want to improve your communication skills, just remember it may not be yours that need improving.

I think you commicate just fine. You are not a bushbeater at all, you don't use a lot of vaguaries, you are specific, and I have yet to see you play any head games of any kind at all.

I think people get so hung up on the head games, the hints, subtleties, semantics, and other little games played by individuals to avoid actually saying anything specific they can be held to that they expect it from everyone automatically. This is something ADDers are not known for doing. In fact, we are generally known for a lack of tact, though in your case, I would say you manage to be refreshingly honest and quite tactful as well (based on what little I have seen, of course). So, we tend to drive a general population keyed into looking for subtle loopholes in dialogue nuts with our matter of fact statements that include everything from exactly the information asked for, far too much information, trivia about everything from zoology to cosmology and the latest trends in eyewear. Volumes and volumes of information with very little of the typical razzle dazzle of double talk. That's alot to sift through and a lot to be frustrated over when you can't quite put your finger on what our angle is. So, they just assume we have one and continue on business as usual.

Yes, I think about this stuff because it happens to me again and again and I am always quite specific. I am well aware of various inflections and slangs etc... People just make assumptions much of the time based on their experiences and an assumption made enough times carries the force of fact.

Kassie,

I thought about your post all night and something bothered me I could not quite put my finger on. Then it hit dragging me out of a deep sleep. Seventh grade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I too had a friend like this; turned out to be a mind game I alway's came back begging forgiveness for God only knows what to this day I do not know. I think it gave him a sense of power over me. I do not know if this is what your friend is pulling but how many times can this happen without you losing your pride? ANd Kassie you never scease to amaze me with your clarity and wit, blunt and to the point I admire that, due to the fact as you can see ^ there I tend to ramble.lol HUgs and good thought's Cherity

I had a friend who did that to me too, what Futs is saying, close to a decade ago... he took me in for close to two years. Then finally I told him what I thought was going on, and that I wasn't going to apologize to him over the latest thing we were mad at each other about, because I believed quite simply that he was wrong and I was right.

Haven't heard from him since.

HUGS WC it hurts to say good bye and know you were made a fool Kassie; but, if anyone can survive it definatly YOU!!!!

Sometimes I wonder if the reason my friend pulls this stuff is like what I said before, low self esteem, that or his ex-wife pulled some beautys to get his head so messed up, I feel bad for him today, but it made me think, for he was called into work and told they were laying him off, they chose him due to his poor communication skills (He's a computer tech that answers questions from clients). So maybe it was him who wasn't clear :)

EXACTLY and I'm sorry to hear he was laid off that cannot do much for his self esteem and I have met some real doozies (females) in my life and make me ashamed to claim the same sex.

Originally posted by Keppig
Sometimes I wonder if the reason my friend pulls this stuff is like what I said before, low self esteem, that or his ex-wife pulled some beautys to get his head so messed up, I feel bad for him today, ...

there is *always* a reason someone behaves the way they do. this does not excuse that someone mistreating you (or anyone)! you can feel bad for him, from a safe distance. it seems like from your last post that you have already figured this out for yourself. good for you!

Originally posted by Nucking_Futs
EXACTLY and I'm sorry to hear he was laid off that cannot do much for his self esteem and I have met some real doozies (females) in my life and make me ashamed to claim the same sex.

I know exactly how you feel.

There are a lot of people out there that used to make me ashamed to be a man.

But not all women are like her, and not all men are like them. You have to realize that it is no reflection whatsoever on yourself... and can even be the inspiration for you to be a better person, if you so desire...

Well, under those circumstances it is hard not to feel bad. He is, however, a grown man and his problems are his responsibility. Sympathy is perfectly appropriate as are gestures of support, if hearfelt (telling him it was wrong for them to lay him off when you feel they might well be right is not hearfelt as does him no favors. Then again, simply rubbing his nose in what they have already told him does him no favors either).

Personally, I just think you are wonderfully sensitive person, and as such, the unexpected negative feedback from this person hurt you. Perhaps, and I have nothing beyond my own personal experience to base this on, like me, you got so used giving the views of others about your person more credibility than your own views about yourself that it was a genuine relief to see supporting evidence of his poor communications skills. Relief is a pleasurable experience compared with the alternatives. Faced with a the pleasurable feeling of your own, well deserved, vindication, you feel even worse than you normally would...

Kass, You are a good person. I don't know that this guy miscommunicated for the purpose of any kind of manipulation, or if he is just not god at communicating, or if he is temporarily short circuited by a bad relationship (as they have been known to have worse side effects than that). What I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that is his road to follow to it's end and learn from and you didn't put him on it.

You have never been anything but forthright and honest with me. I totally dig that about you. You are probably one of the few people on planet earth I know exactly where I stand with. I stand by what I said earlier dear. You communicate just fine.

awww I can so relate!

Kassie,

I subscribed to this post hoping to hear that there was a happy conclusion. And I'm wondering if you and your friend are on speaking terms now? I would also ask that the next time he makes you feel so horribly that you continue to post, don't let it eat at you. And just remember you ARE special and he should feel honored to have you as a friend and not take liberties with your feeling's, thought's and pride.

Hugs and good wishes,
Cherity

I so much agree with Futs.
The forums has helped me so very much.

Kassie,
I am with you. I think everyone made really good points. I know sometimes I let others peoples actions and thoughts sway how I react. I do much better when I am myself. That has been true the last week and a half. I do think people who do not have ADD cannot fathom someonte saying what they feel. My wife thinks that things I say or do have a hidden agenda. That is not true. anyway I think your a very nice person and very good at communicating. I think the guys you are talking to are trying to guess what they should do instead of just asking.

Biking you said it! Hidden Agenda! I get accused of that all the time due to my misspeaking or just plain honesty. Why do people insist on reading between the lines... when there is nothing there...

I'm still friends with the misguided friend, he hasn't written much since his layoff, I'm sure he's depressed. But who wouldn't be? He's ADD too so I know he's acting impulsively too. I think one thing I've learned about me is that my first impulse may not be the right one, especially due to my anxiety. Know what I mean?