I met my boyfriend three years and three months ago. The first two months or so he was amazing. Attentive, energetic, funny, charasmatic... I just couldn't imagine how lucky I was that he was single and available.

Month three, he began to change, literally overnight. He became really distant, standoffish... When I finally called him out on it, he would blow me off, or make a TON of excuses.... he had this.... that.... a grandfather, a farm, a job, blah blah blah blah.... like 20 irons always in the fire. And he did... so I hung in there, because of course, as soon as he got X Y and Z done.... everything was gonna be great.

And so the trend continued - for the next year. I would get thrown in the backseat (as well as my kids, whom he NEVER had any time for), I would get fed up, call him out on it, we'd break up, then two days later he'd be charming, loving, full of excuses and explanations, and promises.... then things would be great for two weeks or so.... then the cycle would repeat.

I have NEVER seen anyone do what he does.... he literally does NOT sit still. Ever... he moves, works, talks on the phone, works, works, works.... until he DROPS.... he cannot sit and watch TV EVER... I've NEVER seen him make it through a movie. He falls asleep within 5 minutes because he has literally been MOVING non stop since he woke at 7:00 AM.

His grandfather says he's never met a stranger. This is true.... he can charm the pants off your grandmother!

So, after one year and me really feeling taken advantage of and taken for granted (me the supreme giver and him the ultimate taker), I was ready to walk - then I got pregnant.

He made all the promises..... he would make me and the family a priority... he would slow down, he would work less, relax more....

That never happened. I was very very very ill with my pregnancy, and he - again - went on a path that added MUCH MUCH more to his already full plate. The more miserable I became, the more we fought. The more he felt that I didn't support him....

He ended up beginning a relationship with a much younger girl at work. He left me when I was 7 mos. pregnant (he had never proposed.... I was never a priority). He left saying he was NOT seeing anyone else, but he practically lived with her for two months. I ended up catching him at her house one night at 37 weeks preg. I had the baby at 39 weeks, and he moved back, full of promises, etc....

He ended up back at work, and back in the other relationship. I caught him again - Oct of 06. I moved out.

We now have an 18 mo. old son together and are trying to reconcile. He broke no contact with the OW (other woman) about a month ago, after one year! I caught him again. He never saw her, just spoke to her, and we were not together at the time.

We are both committed to reconciliation, learning better communication, etc.... At least three different counselors and his mother all agree that he DEF has ADHD. He was on meds briefly as a child, but was a zombie, and that has made him ADAMANTLY against them.

Obviously there are major trust issues, and his communication due to the ADHD makes it VERY difficult on me. For instance, he told me today about a 6:00 PM "meeting"..... Of course I had to ask him what for? with who? where is it? why? Its like playing 20 questions.... ALL THE TIME.

He knew about the meeting on Friday, but he totally forgot.... he is so stressed, his nerves are shot.... story of his life!!!! I have heard that line for three straight years, and it NEVER changes. It is always something.... he always has a million things to do, has horrible, horrible time management skills, and as he calls it, he is "sporadic"... translation: spontaneous....

That doesn't work for me. I have three kids(teen, middle schooler and baby), a full time career, a home... as well as him having a farm, horses, full time job, side jobs, rental properties.... plate that is still WAY too full.

I really want us to work through these things, but i'm at a loss..... I feel like what I ask of him is simple courtesy to anyone involved in a relationship, and I realize now that its not that he is just totally disrespectful. I think he really can't help it... but it is still a problem nonetheless...

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y92/kzrainbow/Purple_Grey_Fairy_Welcome.png

I am sure you will find support here.

Welcome to ADDforums, we have a relationships and social issues sub-forum that my have some things to help your situation.

my opinion.. sometimes love is not enough.

Try to heal yourself ...
do you want to live a life always wondering where your mate is?

Although he may have been diagnosed ADD as a child

At least three different counselors and his mother all agree that he DEF has ADHD. He was on meds briefly as a child, but was a zombie, and that has made him ADAMANTLY against them.


He needs another re-evaluation of his condition. Other things can certainly mimic ADD - even hyper active ADD.

The second issue is the hyperactivity is one thing the lies and betrayal are another matter all together.

Sense your trust has been violated three times that I can remember from your post personally I would settle for some child support in the form of a legally binding agreement and move on

I am gathering you are desiring a relationship that is explicitly a specific way and he seems unable to fulfill this expectation no matter how much he may want to.

Being married to a hyperactive ADDer means a trip to get milk can take four hours - every thing that is supposed to take an hour takes three. Hyperactive ADDers are going to be impulsive or spontaneous depending upon the perspective and that is simply the way we are by nature and it is the way he will always be especially if he decides to remain un-medicated.

Based solely on your post you will spend a life time feeling neglected and not cared for because he is unable to express himself or live life that fits in with what you understand or expect from a relationship He is going to spend his life feeling inadequate because he is unable to conform to your expectations and apparently his way of feeling more viable is seeking it via the company of other women who aren't picking up his dirty trousers. This doen't sound appealing at all and why waste more time if he is unwilling to get evaluated and treated for ???? {some thing apparently a counselor can not help with}.

Not meaning to be harsh but I am a hyperactive ADDer who treats my ADD living with a man who is also hyperactive ADD but does not take medications and he never will. We are as we are and we will never connect the way an NTer would understand. Hugs are brief, closeness is an impression between the bombardments of thoughts, conversations are on the fly, frequent reminders or doing "it" your self are required through out, Our life is a series of unplanned events and time consist of the sun goes up, sun goes down, and sun comes up again. . .. I can handle his four to six hour trips to the store for milk and he can handle my all night post-a-thons some thing our previous NTer spouses could not.

Although medication does allow us to function more efficiently in the world of NTers it by no means makes us neurotypical {normal}. . . we can not be non-ADD any more than a nurotypical can be ADHD - to believe other wise is merely asking for a life time of disappointment and frustrations.

I am not trying to be unsupportive but it sounds like the only reason you are even considering reconciliation is because of the young child sounds like he may have come back due to his failed relationship with the other woman. Neither is a reason to live your life in constant anxiety and misery by wasting time and effort trying to make a man some thing he apparently can not become. Supportive in my neurodiverse universe is saying straight out what you see based upon the information presented at the time -

I wish you the best but I am not so hyperactive that I would be willing to trust a man who has violated my trust three times in the same number of years - honestly is a requirement with me period I simply do not see how any relationship could function with out it. I see no reason for you to accept any less.