Ok...so so my husband gets dx'd with adult adhd.....and is now totally out of control!
He is sooo overscheduled and cannot live without his schedule (way worse than usual), color codes everything on the daily master schedule to match his own personal one and also has one online for everyone to see. He has started school again, is trying to complete an addition, 2 small children, full time job (with a promotion that I dont think he can handle), marriage and individual counsleing and we are now officially seperated.
EVERYONE around him including our therapist says he is way overscheduled and that he is heading for a breakdown....(ok I say the breakdown part). He is completely obsessed....It's like telling a drug addict that they have a problem but they don't see it. He constantly cannot remember anything...way worse than usual...sometimes I wonder if he uses it as an excuse.....
OH and he has been on meds (Adderal XR) during this whole time. :confused:
Does anyone think that this is normal adhd????? We have been married 7 years and I have NEVER seen him like this. Could his meds be doing this??

Although you mention you have been together for 7 years you have not mentioned how long he has been diagnosed, on medications, nor do you indication a dosage range for him. So this is a guesstimate.


If he is fairly recently diagnosed and began medications say less than a year ago he may be in a state of perspective shifting and over whelm. This is what happens when the medication changes the brain chemistry so that problems that he was barely aware of previously or not aware of at all become painfully obvious. With the new ability to consciously control his attention span he is able to reflect upon his life ands see all the things that are wrong - he can see how inefficient he has been functioning but unlike the NTer who becomes aware as thing occur so awareness of problem more or less trickle in and are corrected or compensated for the ADDer has years hit him at once. Here is a thread started by an ADDer who has been diagnosed and began treating his ADD recently

don't know where to start- help! (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=45525)

similar thread but from a male perspective

One job at a time? (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=45683)


NTers are born being able to consciously control their direction of focus and length of attention span so they are able to develop appropriate ways of doing so beginning in early childhood. When ADD isn't diagnosed until adulthood a person has spent a life time with an attention span he/she has no control over at all - and what little control we do have requires a lot of effort. To suddenly be able to focus because you decide to is a novelty that the ADD adult has to learn how to direct and balance. This learning occurs in adulthood while living in a world of people who have acquired this ability soo long ago it is second nature. Being able to balance responsibilites is not some thing that comes naturally to ADDers. So the ADDer has this focus but no skills or clues how to use this ability. NTer adults no longer remember how they learned to balance their lives, for most NTers balance simply occurs because they have had a life time to learn how to shift from one idea to another in a liner fashion.


If he is an older adult say 30+ he may have a feeling of time lost as well.

In short he is trying to correct to much at one time and he doesn't have a clue how to use this new ability called "paying attention".

Could it be from the medication possibly but it could mean the medication is doing what it is supposed to be doing however without support from others who understand there is no one to discuss these feelings with nor are there any people like myself who have been diagnosed for many years but also had to learn these skills in adulthood.

Like I said this is just a guess - a possibility based upon limited amount of information.

I hope this helps. :)

Thanks for your insight...I hadn't really thought of it that way. However we have agreed to file for divorce:-(
I think that it was inevitable but with the recent dx (which was about 8 months ago) its just too much. If I thought that it was a temporary setback....I would agree but there are sooo many other issues that this was the icing on the cake.
But of course.....here is the ADHD/Anxiety in me talking....am I doing this because I am bored or frustrated and I just think that it's better on the other side or not?

am I doing this because I am bored or frustrated and I just think that it's better on the other side or not?

Oh, reading this made me queasy. So many thoughts, fears came rushing back in. I was faced with making that same decision as many, many others have been. Here's how I made a decision. I hope it helps.

First, ask yourself the question "Is there any guarantee I'll be happier five years down the road divorced, possibly a single mother with two small children with less income, less security while having to juggle custody and visitation issues?" Only you know the answer to that question based on your assessment of your spouse, yourself and your marriage. This study on happiness (http://www.americanvalues.org/html/r-unhappy_ii.html) five years after a divorce helped me rethink fuzzy assessments.

Second, remind yourself that you married this man and had two children with him for a reason. You may not remember what that reason is or may not have even fully understood why when you married him or had children with him, but there was something deep within you urging you forward. It's like "voting with your feet" - your actions were based on some rational response, even if it was only rational to you, even if it was unrealized. You may have to do some heavy psychological digging to get to those reasons.

Third, consider what is truly meaningful to you over the course of your life. Three years ago I bought a slim essay titled "Reasons of Love (http://press.princeton.edu/chapters/s7749.html)" by a moral philosopher named Harry Frankfurt. It was only when my meds kicked in a few months ago that I was able to actually read it! Anyhow, it's a text devoted to how we should make decisions in our life that lead to happiness. It's non-religious, lacks moral judgment of any kind. It supplies a logical framework to decide what should be a guiding life principle to the individual. The link in the title will take you to a sample chapter.

Best of luck and I hope your decisions make you and your loved ones happy over the long run.

Gogogo,
Curious....R U still married? How are you now?
I feel like we are 2 totally different people in every way of the word. We have different views on dicipline, communication, sex, family ect....
The hardest part for me is his inablity to be flexible, too many projects (no time for us), has a very diffucult time seeing the gray area (very black and white), very selfish....gets what he wants even if it means he has to mow you over to get there, ect.
The day I became pregnant with our first child, most of this came out. I honestly believe that it is the "it isn't about me anymore" syndrome including the stress and craziness of having children, never mind the new diagnoses of us both having adhd.
I completely agree with the study on happiness....but whos to know which way is the right way? We have been in marriage counseling for 2 years!!! He still views most of our problems as my fault....I am not even in love with him anymore....(I do still love him though). Any thoughts or opinions??? Thanks!

Still married. Many years of marriage counselling, two separate shrinks, many years of struggling with my infidelities (severe stimulus seeker here), many years of disagreements over his parents, many financial issues, disparate attitudes to sex and frequency, different modes of communication (he shows care through action, I do through words and physicality), three really lovely children (three to eight years-old).

I married my opposite - the ultimate administrator. Many years followed of never feeling up to par, being told I was letting him down or irrational, his snarky criticisms, being in a parent/child relationship in many ways, forever (and I mean forever) feeling restless/bored/unfulfilled. Ever felt like a caged tiger? I left at least three times but came back for reasons that I didn't understand at the time (one leaving was when I had just discovered I was pregnant with my second child, oh, and one was before giving birth to my third - with another man). And yes, I felt "I'm not in love anymore but I love him."

Still, despite the differences, I knew somehiw he had qualities I needed in some way.

Everything you say about your husband was something my husband has said about me. Selfish, no time, doesn't care about us, only cares about her work, ego, gets what she wants, does what she wants.

Meds made a difference but I realized I had to make a choice to be happy. Even with handfuls of pills a day I couldn't do what I wanted and still be a key participant in a full-on family. That's why the book helped me so much. It helped me set my priorities straight. It sounds like that's something your husband has to work on.

Also, I realized following diagnosis that a lot of my past successes were fueled from poor self-esteem probably engendered from undiagnosed AD/HD and issues from my family of origin. That was a big breakthrough - realizing that it meant more to me to think about my children and husband caring about me after my death than strangers. That's priorities again. Made a huge difference in how much I cared about the outside world - which is a lot less now.

Medication and diagnosis can only do so much. The medication allows you to see further but you have to make the choice to look in the distance, both past and future.

Looking back, I could see how so much of how I reacted was due to AD/HD and how that affected past relationships. That also made me realize that a lot could change.

Three months ago I realized my wants outside the family have to be put on hold for the near future. Doesn't mean my wants go away, doesn't mean they can't be pursued in the future, just means my wants for my family have to come first now. Little kids need us now.

My doctor helped me focus matters. This might help you. You're at the start of your marriage, you have little kids that need a lot of work, time and attention, you both are dealing with issues of newly diagnosed ADD (and that's not easy), of major readjustments in your life. You are at the hardest part of your marriage, probably your adult life, everything in your life has been shaken up, all your old assessments don't apply the same way they did in the past. Your children will be easier to manage in the next coming two years, you both will have dealt with adjustments from your diagnoses, and your lives will become easier.

I am much happier and calmer now. Content is the word. Excitement is not everything - it always passes. That's "being in love." I think medication helped with that realization. Contentment comes from "love", "caring". That's something I've had to work at to understand - "The Reasons of Love" helped me in that regard.

Nobody knows which is the right way but you don't have a clue if you have no idea of your destination. I thank my husband every day for not giving up on me. So many would have. He kept his whole family on course. I guess that was his understanding of his priorities, family, deep caring enduring love. Someone has to be wiser, to set the example, to find the path, for the other and for the kids.

And you are two different people. You always will be. That's part of the challenge but it's also part of what makes certain aspects of a marriage fun ;)


Hope this all makes sense.

Thanks so much for writing that. Your situation feels very much like mine (minus the infedlities- not that I haven't thought about it). He is always saying I don't open up to him (actually it is the total opposite), that I don't support him -- I dont. I am not supporting any more wild and crazy ideas that take money and time away from our family. He has NEVER failed at anything....execpt this marriage (but since he believes most of it is my fault, I guess he hasn't technically failed). He does not think that he is overscheduled, a dreamer, a slob, rigid ect.
For example....he is a bird hunter. He always wanted a dog....I did not and he knew it but I told him that as much as I dont want a dog maybe he could get one after we were done having children and they were old enough for me to be able to concentrate on a puppy.....long story short he was at me and at me until I caved (pregnant with baby # 2 and first child at home with a 1/2 body cast). He almost never cleans the dog, plays with her or takes care of her until I push him. I am the mother and he is the child.....This is just one of many examples of how our relationship goes....we have had the dog for 2 years and for the past year he has been trying to talk me into getting dog # 2!!!! LMAO!!! Like that's gonna happen and he know it but because he wants something...it doesnt matter how he gets it.
Sorry to sound so blaming and negative but this is the stuff that has me convinced that a divorce is better. At least I only have 2 children and not 3....

I think he sounds like a Narcissist.

e.g. (a) it's always "your fault" and (b) his expectations are too great (you were pregnant and had a child in a body cast?!?! but he still had expectations that you would take on more duties with a dog, which he then dumps on you?) and then he still sounds (c) cold and insensitive when you can't keep up (e.g. you are blamed for his failures.


This sounds pretty toxic for you and your children (who learn from watching all this; even stress from this to you, interferes with mother-child bonding). I wouldn't blame you if you choose to leave.


The irony is: with all this overprioritizing his life and neglecting you emotionally (clearly you are NOT a priority, and seem to get 'devalued', which makes me *smell* a narcissist), you are the one who is getting upset waiting for him to fail. You do all the "getting upset" for him.

This is more than ADD.

Read up on narcissism. Such folks are notoriously insensitive as you describe.

You sound MORE headed for a breakdown than he does. (You get to be the one in distress, and are the one asking for help.)

Ironic, isn't it? That's the other thing that made me think narcissist. They drive everyone ELSE crazy. (Remember, they "don't have a problem!" They just cause distress in OTHERS.)

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER
(http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-pe07.html)


How to recognize a narcissist :Never love anything that can't love you back (http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html)