View Full Version : My Unfortunate Introduction


apologetic
11-24-07, 05:28 AM
I have lurked on this forum for quite a while. I usually feel some form of comfort by reading others stories, knowing that I am not alone.

Unfortunately I am absolutely ashamed at the fact that I am even posting here, no clue why. I've been diagnosed with ADD a bit over a year ago, predominantly inattentive type.

I've told the people close to me, the response is "everyone has moments like that, you're fine nothing is wrong... just try harder...obviosly people can't read when theres distractions... nothings wrong with you... you're fine... I have the same problems studying or learning... just stop procrastinating and pay attention... just do it, nothings physically holding you telling you to get distracted, just say enough is enough and pay attention"

Breakdown of myself is:

- If something is bugging me, it bugs me NON STOP, until a resolution is found
- My prescription is 36mg of concerta in the morning, and 10mg of ritalin in the late afternoon
- I am a perfectionist
- I procrastinate like no other
- If I want something done, it really means that is not actually going to get done. The thing (at that moment) that I want least done, is what will get done, whether or not I prefer to do so
- I have never been on time for anything, my graduation, my grandma's funeral, any important event in my life. Others think that maybe I do this on purpose, maybe to develop some sort of personality or something im "known for" I hate it, I wish I could show up on time just once.
- According to the Wechsler Intelligence test, I am between the 96th to 99th percentile
- I feel as if I am smart, when I think about
- When required to show that I am smart, by learning something in a class or taking a test, I seem to prove to myself that I am one of the slowest and least smartest people in the class
- When given the opportunity to argue or to verbally prove my intelligence, I can
- I can't read if there is any noise, or anything in my mind that will distract me... even something as simple as me being hungry, or having to go to the bathroom, or expecting a phone call
- The rare instance that I do complete something, I complete it or learn it so thoroughly that it impresses people
- This makes people think I am smart
- When they talk to me they think I am smart
- When I take a test, I fail
- When I do an assignment, its incomplete... however the complete part is almost 100% correct
- I am extremely frustrated
- As a 24 year old male, who holds a significant amount of pride, I am borderline in tears
- At this point, i've already reread what i've written about 5x
- I am upset, because while I feel that my personality traits such as being a "perfectionist", not being able to tolerate any guilt, always being honest and genuine, is a good thing, and is the reason why I have a good mom and dad, and a beautiful and loving girlfriend, I feel that the fact that I have no control over my own mind, inhibits my performance in every other aspect of my life

- I was recently not accepted into my X year of studies at X school, and as a result my closest friends ended up moving in with eachother, without me
- I was abolutely forgotton, in almost every aspect.... I recieved last minute panic phone calls around 6 hours before my birthday ended...clearly everyone forgot
- I usually wouldn't mind this, nor do I care for a happy birthday, however the fact that the people I would do anything for forgot, and tried to cover it up with excuses and last minute phone calls - somehow it got to me
- I recently started drinking a lot, every night
- I feel a bit better when I do that
- Obviously I know thats wrong
- I am not an alcoholic, nor am I suicidal, im just a bit sad
- I am posting this because I would like to go to sleep, and the wonderful anonymity of the internet has given me the courage to talk about this in complete honesty

So if you happen to be awake right now, just say hello.

apologetic
11-24-07, 05:36 AM
Clearly nobody is awake, that is no problem. I guess everyone will see this when they wake up.

How come you feel you ADD or ADHD is a gift? I do cherish my attention to fine detail, but I watch others, getting up at the same time, getting dressed and ready for work, commuting to work, SHOWING UP ON TIME, completing their day at work, going home and relaxing.

I can't do that. I always end up late, end up not finishing what I am supposed to, I stay late in order to keep my job, I show up home afterwork late, dinner is over and im in trouble. I go to bed at times like now, alone. This sucks, i've been seriously trying for the last few months to act like a normal person, but I cant.

I want to act like everyone else, be able to go to work on time... and when work is done go home and relax, or hang out or something. Not go home and finish all the work that I didn't complete because I am slow, or that I started late, and then go to bed at early hours in the morning, so I can wake up the next morning to show up for work late, and repeat this depressing scenario.

I am just ranting

Leah
11-24-07, 07:28 AM
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time.. I'm very sorry to hear it.

It also sounds like you think you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling? It must be so hurtful to hear people who are important to you say things like

you're fine...
you're fine nothing is wrong...
nothings wrong with you...
I have the same problems
just try harder...
just do it
just stop

when in fact you are frustrated, upset, and ashamed. You deserve to have your feelings acknowldeged just like anybody else. If I'm reading your post correctly, the people close to you are dismissive of your ADD? That must be so awful and isolating.

You mention a diagnosis, are you taking medications?

I don't know how comforting this is, and I can't say I consider my own history of lateness to be much of a "gift," but for what it's worth I can really empathize. A real standout was when I missed my own graduation despite sleeping in my gown to minimize getting-ready time. At the time, I was pretty upset. But now I think it's kind of funny. Not so funny when it happens all the time and impairs your quality of life, though.

I hope you end up having a better day. Please do feel free to post, as you say it's a comfort to know you're not alone.

Er Indoors
11-24-07, 08:25 AM
For what it's worth, you don't sound like a perfectionist, (being late and not getting things done to completion etc) But that's a good thing..it's normal. Hell i would hate to be a perfectionist because people would expect so much of you. Maybe you just worry too much and see that as a trait of perfectionism? I might be wrong but you sound like you need to focus on the worrying / anxiety. Also, freinds are fickle..you just have to get used to that and be pro-active in keeping up with them. I have similar social anxieties..i expect more of people than is sensible to do so in these times. Yet if I call them instead of waiting for them to call me..they are always pleased to hear from me..they have just been carried along by the tide of their day to day lives. Have a good w/e and relax eh.

Matt S.
11-24-07, 08:32 AM
Welcome to ADDforums, don't feel ashamed about posting here.

Veighen
11-24-07, 09:09 AM
I have alot of the same things in common with you. The guilt, the pain from failing, and, the fake front I have to display to everyone is exhausting.

sloppitty-sue
12-01-07, 06:45 PM
Apologetic??

Sorry I just read this now! Where are you?? Please come back! Your post just broke my heart, and I would like you to PLEASE join our forum and post again.

I recommend posting next time in the "General ADD Discussion." Just write that you already posted in the Depression SubForum but were really wanting some input A.S.A.P. and it was recommended you also post in the Main Forum. You will definitely get THE MOST READERS (and Repliers) that way.

I am so sorry about your disappointments. It sure is not something our society prepares us for (but it would be nice to change that - eh? - seeing that MOSTLY ALL of us experience huge disappointments throughout our lives).

I know you are in pain, so I really worry about you. It did take a WHILE for me to feel good about posting here, but I am glad I stuck in out. Sometimes our resources are scarce, and just having one or two Internet Buddies who we can share our pain with can be invaluable.

Hope to hear from you again!!!!

Sincerely,
Sue

TeLL
12-01-07, 07:43 PM
hey Sue~ were all here to listen and chat with you! No one will ever know your real name or where you're from unless you choose they do, so you can say EVERYTHING you want on here, and there are no social constrictions as to whats acceptable (although drugs and sex do have private forums, since kids do come here too). you can be yourself and say what you feel and no one will tell you to leave, come back!! we want to get to know you, we want to share our stories, and listen to yours! we've all had tough times, we all will have tough times in the future, thats why were all here, to make sure everyone gets a chance to let it out
I'm happy you had the courage to post for the first time, don't feel ashamed of comming here again, we'll welcome you as best we can

hollyduck
12-01-07, 07:46 PM
Hey Apologetic, you must be my long lost sister! I was the other one they never talked about -- the one who was raised by wolves... or was it anteaters...? :p

I had the same troubles in almost the exact same words. Welcome to the clan. You will find lots of people here coping with the same sorts of things that you are. I don't know what I would do without this group.

Just think -- currently estimates are that 4 to 8% of adults have ADHD of one kind or another. If it is only 4%, that means in North America alone there are at least 8 million of us. Heck, we could start our own country if only we could get organized.

Bet it would be funner than the current country.

Ducky

TeLL
12-01-07, 09:23 PM
EDIT: I mean Appolagetic, not Sue.... damn my lack of 'page-up' skills :(

kilted_scotsman
12-03-07, 02:18 PM
Great....

I read your post and thought ....thats me....apart from the fact you are 20 years younger.... then I reread it and realised you were already on 36mg concerta.....and I thought...

b****r

I'm recently diagnosed and 2 weeks into 36mg concerta/day and am expecting things to get better.

Eeeesh

Having crawled some way out of the hole, I'm in no hurry to fall back in.

kilt

apologetic
12-13-07, 06:28 AM
I appreciate all of the replies guys, I did make sure to read them. Please understand I mean no offense or insult by saying that I am "ashamed" to write here, but sometimes I just wonder if someone I knew were to read it, it would just lead to a whole new level of inconspicuous judging.

Thank you though, I read your replies the next morning, and it was nice to at least hear from people who simply understood... who didn't just agree with me by default, with comments im used to hearing like "...I don't think anythings wrong with you, but if you say so then I stand behind you". Im not sure if people think thats being supportive.

Anyways, if anyone is worrying about my health or well being, please don't. I will promise that if the situation ever arised where I was feeling extremly down, I will make it my duty to post here, and try to talk with you guys.

Things are pretty much the same as before, im trying to figure things out and trying to work on all the things that are causing me problems. The main problem is just getting myself to do what I want to do. I want to go to bed right now, but somehow I insist on going online. If I want to make dinner, that is the time I need to finish work. When I need to finish work, I insist on catching up with friends/family. When its time to spend time with the loved ones, suddenly I need to finish work! Its very weird, and its been like this all my life, but its just recently where it seems like its getting worse and its really upsetting me.

I have given up on trying to defend my actions, by trying to have everyone understand whats going on with me. Some think that im simply lazy, others think I have my priorities messed up. Others think that I am just ridiculously stubborn. I've given it a full and fair attempt to try to get the people close to me to understand, but it doesn't seem like they are, so i'll just let whatever happens happen.

No worries about me trying to discuss sexual or drug related issues, my problems do not lay there. I am just the type of person who people look at externally, and think "damn, he's got a lot going for him..."

Then the people who are very close think,
"well... I dont get why he's stressed all the time, he does bring it on himself.... you're late? then leave early! you're not finishing things, then finish it! You wouldn't be so edgy or stressed out all the the time if you didn't do that to yourself on a daily basis"

I didn't take any of the meds today, with hopes of tiring myself nice and early so I can pass out at a normal persons time, and wake up with the rest of the world. Unfortunately not taking the meds made the entire day a big haze... except not the haze that makes you want to fall asleep (which was what I was going for), just the haze that prevents you from doing what you want to do. Like how you feel when you have a cold, and your heads just cloudy and you can't think too indepth, or maintain attention on anything.

So I dunno what to do, seems almost like I did run out of options. I guess people are partially right, I am stubborn in a sense, because even though right now I don't think I have any options left and im stuck like this, I know i'll wake up tomorrow and still work my *** off trying to get to where I want to go.

Thank you everyone for listening, this is refreshingly pleasant. Its almost 6:00am, I better get some sleep!

apologetic
12-13-07, 06:34 AM
For some reason I re-read things repeatedly, but maybe I do that because I pick up on things that I didn't get the first time? Eitherway, I just reread this thread and I saw Ducky's comment:

"Heck, we could start our own country if only we could get organized."

hahaha that made me laugh, lol
Also, you said im your long lost sister... im a boy!