How do you set boundaries with a particular person when what your boundaries would be were already crossed in the past?

Just be straightforward - tell them what your boundaries are, and although you realize that those boundaries may have been crossed in the past, you are not comfortable with that and would like them to respect your limits from now on.

effectiveness, act on your gut instinct, if it tells you to say no, do it and be direct, if it is complicated keep at it like a broken record.

How do you set boundaries with a particular person when what your boundaries would be were already crossed in the past?

My love, you have already answered your own question!

Good Luck!

?? Zoom57..I'm not sure how you think I answered my own question...but ok.


Thank you hippiechick and mspen for your answers. The more I think about it; the more complicated it gets. I think I'm going to avoid putting myself in that situation all together.
How do you set boundaries with a particular person when what your boundaries would be were already crossed in the past?

My love, you have already answered your own question!

Good Luck!

blueyeyore you happen to have struck upon one of my favorite subjects - boundaries especially personal boundaries. They are required for any healthy relationships with others. It is one of my favorite topic because for decades I remained "emotionally ill" because I did not have the protection of personal boundaries - learning them set me free. Yea I Have ADD but today I am emotionally healthy because I have personal boundaries, I know how to protect them and how to respect others.

Why Set Boundaries?
(http://ezinearticles.com/?Why-Set-Boundaries?&id=212303)

Learning about personal boundaries is one of the most important things you can do for your selve and your loved ones . .

A good place to begin is this over view - brief statements from article below.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self (http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm)


The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty, to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

We need to start becoming aware of what healthy behavior and acceptable interaction dynamics look like before we can start practicing them ourselves - and demanding the proper treatment from others. We need to start learning how to be emotionally honest with ourselves, how to start owing our feelings, and how to communicate in a direct and honest manner. Setting personal boundaries is vital part of healthy relationships - which are not possible without communication.


Formula for emotionally honest communication

So, it is very important for us to learn to communicate about how another person's behavior is affecting us - without making blaming "you" type of statements. There is a simple formula to help us do this. It is:
When you . . . . .
I feel . . . . .

I want . . . .

Since I am powerless over you, I will take this action to protect myself if you behave in this way.

The fourth part of this formula is setting the boundary. I will get to that in a moment. The first three parts of the formula are a very important part of taking responsibility for our self - an important step in learning to define ourselves as separate in a healthy way

*** End quote


The more I think about it; the more complicated it gets. I think I'm going to avoid putting myself in that situation all together

If you have any sort of relationship, weather it be friendships, employee, parent, spouse, consumer then personal boundaries are a must to remain emotionally healthy yet viable.

Setting personal boundaries is not an easy thing to learn for ADD adults period it become especially challenging if past abuse is part of the equasion... Learning how to have and maintain personally boundaries is essential and one of the best investments you will ever make in your life time - guaranteed. {Please note- I am not writing the word guaranteed flippantly}

you have to make it clear to whomever that the way thye act, although in the past may have been alright, now is either inappropriate or makes u uncomfortable.

It can be difficult to say no to people if you never had the right or ability to say no to people to people before.

Some people have been 'walked on' their whole lives. Literally.

In my Mom's family, my Grandmother divided her children into "good" and "evil". She was beaten herself as a child. She beat her children for speaking up or even for showing a feeling. Some of my Aunts and Uncles (who were devalued by my Grandmother) continue to be chronically victimized to this day in their relationships and lives.

And I've met people who have been molested, for example, by men in their families their whole lives. One woman i met in group therapy was 35 and her father was STILL trying to have sex with her and her sister. e.g. this man thought was he was doing was 'ok'. (Meanwhile his daugther is ADD, bipolar, DID/MPD, 300 lbs, etc etc.) It is amazing (but not 'surprising', what people go thru) No wonder I sometimes think "mental illness" is such a BS word. Get real.

Is it surprising, for example, that people who go thru this chronic violation of their boundaries (emotional, physical, or sexual) then become pregnant teens, etc? There is fear to 'say no', or actively 'draw a line in the sand'. They are afraid of 'making people' go into rages or violence and the anxiety that causes.

Right out the pages of "WAKING THE TIGER", some people quite literally become paralyzed with fear, and cannot protect themselves. (And some user-type or clueless people take "quiet" as "consent" to do whatever.)

re: teen pregnancy, for example
It makes me want to vomit to read clinical BS about "promiscuous teenagers" etc, when I know that this trauma stuff is more likely the machinations at hand.

=============

re: Poster

Can you clarify something?

1. Do you mean (a) someone's boundaries were "crossed in the past" by others (in general) or (b) "crossed by THIS SAME BOUNDARY CROSSER Person continues to try to do this]?

[My own answers for you are different, depending on the scenario]

2. Also, can you describe the situation more? e.g. two people had unsafe or pressured sex in the past, and this same person wants to keep doing that despite the recipient not wanting to (dislike; fear of pregnancy or STDs). Or this could be about borrowing money, whatever.

You can talk about it in the 3rd person ('my friend') if that makes it easier!

I can empathise. I've had several relationships where this was the "norm". Whenever I'd finally had enough and let them know that, they'd blow me off.

In the end I cut off all contact with them so I don't have those issues anymore. :D

A book which was recommended to me and I found to be incredibly helpful was "Boundaries Face to Face" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Just to note, the book has some religious overtones to it (referring to passages in the Bible in some examples) so you might need to go to a Christian bokstore vs a regular one or get it off of Amazon.com or check your local library. I'm not the religous type, but like I said, I really liked this book and wish I'd bought it earlier.

Another thing I'm curious about is how considerate towards you in general is this person you're referring to?

A friend that I haven't seen since Feb of this year has asked me to come to his LAN party. Yay fun...love LAN parties, but the last time we hung out together I was quite a different person. It was one of those friends with benefits type situations. He lives in Orlando which is about 1.5 - 2 hours away from me, but I don't mind the drive to hang out with my friend, then he offered to let me stay the night which didn't seem to bother me until I started thinking about me and him hanging out in the past and how I told myself I wasn't going to do those things anymore...or put myself in those situations by getting drunk with those friends.

It was one of those friends with benefits type situations. He lives in Orlando which is about 1.5 - 2 hours away from me, but I don't mind the drive to hang out with my friend, then he offered to let me stay the night which didn't seem to bother me until I started thinking about me and him hanging out in the past and how I told myself I wasn't going to do those things anymore...or put myself in those situations by getting drunk with those friends.Yeah, I can see the problem you'd have there. Have you talked with him about this? If you're that uncomfortable -- whether it's from any possible pressure from him or any concerns about whether or not you'd fall back into any old habits on your own -- then you could always drive back or not go at all if you think it'll be a big problem.

Same thing with hanging out with these particular people and getting drunk. If it's something you don't do anymore, then you can tell them that. Do you think it's something they'd be considerate of?

My love, you have already answered your own question!


I told myself I wasn't going to do those things anymore...or put myself in those situations by getting drunk with those friends.

<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

how I told myself I wasn't going to do those things anymore...or put myself in those situations by getting drunk with those friends.


Perhaps this is what you should do after all boundaries do include the ones we place upon our self. There was a reason you decided that you no longer wanted to "do those things" perhaps now would be a good time to remember why.

Its always harder to say no after you have already crossed the boundries. But that person will drastically change his perspective on you if you blantly tell him

NO

not

no

but

NO

. Let there be no second guessing for him what he is gonna get. Its either everything or nothing, make sure its nothing if thats what you want.
He will respect you more afterwards, and maybe be a bit scared of you. Few men dont get intimidated by woman that know what they want.