This task has been on my list for a while now, but I'm still not comitting to it, and not just cause of the obvious reason. I think I should apologise to the guy who I dated earlier this year, but I am having a bit of doubts if its a good idea.

Why apologise? Making a looong story short:

-Girl meets boy.
-Girl starts to hang out with boy, who seems to be wery pleased with that.
-Girl starts having a bit to little serotonin, making her feel weird.
-Girl gets stressed cause of other things in her life, not helping the serotonin lvl.
-Girl, still not knowing what makes her feel weird, gets clingy, cause boy is the only thing that feels "good".
-Girl gets worse, still not knowing what is wrong, but feeling depressed and "colorless".
-Girl gets to a stage where she's not the person she usualy is, beeing frustrated about that, she klings even more to boy and when he say that he can't handle the pressure of everything.
-Girl lashes out a bit, tries to explain whats going on, even thoug she dont realy know. Revealing quite a bit of things better kept secret in the prosess.

And now: Girl feels the need to apologise and explain what made her feel and behave so strangely. Mostly to clear her mind from it, but allso cause well, girl/I still like this guy and hope that explaining could sort things out somehow.

But how to go about this? I'm mostly thinking to mail him, since he lives far from where I am atm and speaking on the phone is way to scary.
Thing is though, should I explain the plain medical facts or is there a better way to go about this.

Cause I realy want to make him understand that what happend to me in that period of time, isnt who I am.
It have never happened before and most likely its not gonna happen again.
I just lost complete track of the world in those months and I guess thats a pretty scary thing to see.
And I know I was way out of line, when I, whitout realy thinking about it, somehow started to depend on him as a anchor to the real world.

How the f**k do you comunicate that whitout scaring anyone off and making them think "Ok, she was sick. I can accept that,and mabye some day, se if she's back to what I used to like" Cause it feels so unfair that it stranded on someting that wasnt even me beeing me.
He was completely ok with the ADD, found that part of me creative and fun, but when I got sick, I lost all of those qualities and ofc I understand him for throwing in the towl on me like I was then.
But I'm back to normal, unnormal now and I realy want him to know that, or rather him to belive it!
Guys, help me out. What can I say/write to make this up to him, whitout seeming like someone who migth cook your pet bunny for dinner?

When I get that urge to talk to a part of the past I ask "what for?"

Yes, you may have been clingy, you may have been unbalanced, but he was a big part of ending the relationship and is a big part of keeping it ended.

If he felt strongly about you he would have stayed with you to work it out - clue #1. He hasn't contacted you since scampering away - clue #2. Men and women of caring character will silently bear their loved ones' weight for awhile - clue #3

Do you really want to open your medical history and heart to a man currently incapable of dealing with relational adversity? Writing it all out seems needy, desperate, at the minimum...don't lower yourself, don't do it.

If he's interested he'll contact you. Men like to chase. Make them. Your silence and apparent lack of interest makes you more interesting.

If he doesn't contact you, start looking for someone stronger.


This may not be the answer you're looking for...it's only my opinion...I'm sorry if it hurts but it also might help you heal :(

Oh, he did "carry my weigth" for quite a while, handeling a lot more crap than I (or most people) ever would have botherd to if it was the other way around.
He was acctually wery nice through it all, and I pushed him very hard for an ansver of what he felt about us. And by that he had to admitt that, yes it was a bit to mutch for him to deal with in sutch an early stage. Something that I completely understand now that I am well again, but did not get back then.

After that we still stayed in contact for a few weeks, with him wanting to know how I was doing and stuff like that.
Now I havent contacted him in like 3+ months and the last things I'we said to him, arent things that I can stand for today, or anyday realy.
I think I ended up indirectely blaiming him for beeing the only new thing in my life and therefore the cause of what I back then didnt know was caused by lack of serotonin.

I'm not desperate to get him back by all means, nothing like that. But I feel that he deserves an explanation, and if that makes him feel like asking me out again, I'd considder that a bonus.
Ether way, he is a guy I'd like to have around, as he is someone who's a good laugh and fun to hang with, no strings attached too! And the way I left things between us, its kindof hard to do.

The only advice I can give because I am a guy and usually on the receiving end of much worse than you describe, is to go on your gut instinct, do what feels right, it will come to you, maybe not immediately but if you use, "I want" and "I feel" and don't apologize for being alive, everything should work out.

Try not to get emotional and be effective, if you show him that you are better then everything will work out trust me I know.

It's rare that apologising and admitting ones mistakes and the hurt they may have caused is a wrong move.

However the timing of such an apology is often best left until one is emotionally strong and past whatever caused the issues in the first place.

Three months is a short time to understand oneself enough to be able walk away after the apology and not look back.

kilt

An apology versus a repetitive "I am sorry" throughout the process is what I meant by don't apologize for being alive
When people feel bad about something, I know I have done it frequently since I have learned to feel bad for my actions, it is hard not to be overapologetic and that can create tension in the process.

It is a type of a reaction and in order to communicate effectively, one cannot react.

maybe some men like submissive women who apologize every minute for breathing but chances are from what you describe about this guy, he doesn't seem like the type.

Hmmm...I have definitely been in this position.

As ADDers, we almost always cause a little turmoil in a relationship with an NT.

I believe that if this man was the right person for you, he would have stuck around to find out what exactly was going on with you that caused you to behave this way. He would have known that there was something about you worth discovering further that merited his overlooking certain things.

Do you want to apologize to him because you really want to apologize or because you want to work things out? Honestly, I have been in this situation so many times that I can really say you are not going to work things out just by saying, "Hey, I have ADD, so that's why I did such and such."

I would let it go and move on. Find someone who has more of an open mind about human behavior because that's who is going to get you more in the long run. These people do exist! Best of luck to you.

It seems more and more like a don't from you guys here. And I see where you all come from.
My biggest "do" is that I feel that the depression(caused by the serotonin stuff) made me a different person,a person that I'm absolutely not now.
And if he's gonna go around thinking that I am that not wery nice "creature" I was before I got help back then, it makes me feel realy bad.

I know he coped brilliantly with me, just beeing the normal me, ADD and all, but the serotonin-induced depression was to mutch for the both of us.
Allso I had planed and did move away for 1 semestre, when it fell apart, so sticking around to see what happened wasn't realy an option.
Seeing as we had only dated for about 2 months and known eatchother for 2 months before that, I'd be rather scared if he just went with me, to be honest. :)

I think it is something that is important if you think it is, and the suggestions I made were proven assertiveness skills that they teach people and actually work.

So. Guess I'm gonna do this. But not being to apologetic. Hmm. Any tips on how to formulate this message?

The forum is a bit dead and I need some time to think about what I can say and help you a little better, I will definitely give you tips, I just have a lot of them and you don't need as much as I know for this situation, I will repost once I am able to have it "flow" better, you know ADHD and all.

Ok. Gonna start drafting someting out and see what I get. Giving myself a maximum of 3 sorrys, so I don't exuse beeing alive and all that ;)

Allso I found this list of what makes out a good apologie.

a detailed account of the situation
taking responsibility for the situation
recognition of your role in the event
a statement of regret
asking for forgiveness
a promise that it won't happen again
a form of restitution whenever possible


Nice litte list for me, who do have a few aspie-moments now and then.

I think that list may get you into trouble, honestly. A "statement of regret" is strange to think about for this situation, and it seems to me that this whole list is for something of an entirely different nature. This is not something you did out of malice, or greed, or indifference. You have to take responsability, sure, but you didn't do it on purpose. Remember that.
And please, please, do not offer restitution. That can only be bad.

Hehe. I wasnt going to take every little thing in the list and use it. I write things like "and I hope we kan get over all of this and start anew", cause I bet that will do more damage than good. Just gonna say what happened, what consequenses of that he had to encounter and apologise for those of them that he shouldnt have had to deal with, and so on.