I have been off medication for the last 2-3 weeks. I was taking Adderall XR, 20mg (up to 3xday)

I never felt the "need" to take my pills, and, would split them in half.. or just not take them.. never really mattered.

Anyways, lately I am feeling so down.
I have NO energy.
I am feeling so depressed. I have been on anti-depressants way back before the ADD was considered, and, I hated every minute of it. Turned me into a zombie void of all emotion. I DO NOT need anti-depressants.. I NEVER have.

I have been feeling so depressed because of what I am not doing.

I was suppose to go back to school... I didnt, dropped out of college for the 2nd time!!! (and have to pretend I am enrolled) which makes it really hard. However, if I told the truth.. then I would most likely get kicked out.

I am in debt... thanks to loans, and, being rushed into going to college, before being able to REALLY decide what I want to study. As an ADD'er I have a MILLION interests in a MILLION different things.. how can I possibly narrow it down so easily? (of course, this was unacceptable and I had to pick a course and get my education... because afterall it is all that "matters".....)

I'm not working. I am no social skills or strength to talk to people. Trying to be "likeable" drains me of every energy reserve I can manage to stock up. Not to mention the hassles of proper clothing attire, perfect hair and makeup.. ( I am breaking out in acne from all the stress - try covering that up!)

I hate most jobs within 1 month, and, the fact that I am not in college... and will be stuck at these loser jobs that I end up hating... is incredibly depressing.... and... destroys all the hope I have for any happy future.

I have NO ASSETS! No car.. no house... no job.. no education... no nothing. At my age (mid 20's) this is UN-ACCEPTABLE!!!

I feel under constant criticism from the people I live in..... AND my boyfriend which makes it soooo damn hard!!!

-dont touch the walls you might chip the paint!!
-Dont clang dishes too loudly!!
-Be happy all the time!!! "After all you should be grateful you have what you have..."
-Be perfect!! Cook that perfect.... act perfect.. do perfect in school...
-YOU MUST BE ABLE TO WORK, GO TO SCHOOL, CLEAN THE HOUSE PERFECTLY SPOTLESS, and, be able to happily KISS ***.. all day, every day.

All these things.. I'm not!
All these things are EXPECTED OF ME!

BUt, I make mistakes... I do clang dishes.... yes sometimes I even walk into walls!!!

I cant even do my school work how am I suppse to work AND go to school?!

I am EMOTIONAL! and I cant always just suck it all up and be happy! Leave me alone!

I do need to SLEEP! FOREVER! As much as I need !


Ugh, I feel so useless, and, pathetic, ugly and stupid.

I am a failure, and, now I am sinking so far down this hole of my life that I have no energy to pull myself out.
I cant even socialize... I'm too exhausted.

thanks for reading....just need to get it off my chest......
:(

I was so sad when I read your post. Please, don't be so hard on yourself.

Why did you go off of your med's? (If you don't mind me asking) Did you feel this overwhelmed and down while on them or is all of this a product of not being on meds?

Trying to live up to others' expecations is exhausting, depressing and paralyzing. You will never meet these expecations of being perfect etc. There is no reward or award for when you finally make it, if you ever do.

My only advice is to take it one day at a time....even just one minute at a time if that helps. Get control of something...even if its just getting dressed. Do you have access to counseling services? A therapist may be able to help you work through your need to please others by meeting their expectations. Therapy and meds does not equal weakness.

That really sucks. Like the other guy said, don't be so down on yourself, that will only make things worse. You said that anti-depressant medication didn't do much for you but maybe you should give it another shot? I'm on Celexa (Citalopram) at the moment, have been for about a month and I'm feeling so much better. I was on amitriptylene (sp?) which basically turned me into a zombie, but I find that Citalopram is working for me. I generally feel much happier.

I realise that evertione reacts differently to anti-depressants, but maybe you should try a different type? You might be surprised.

Hi Veighen,

First of all, I'm a little concerned that you were splitting your tablets. Usually, the release rate for controlled release or extended release tablets is controlled by the coating on the tablet. So if you're splitting them in half, you could actually be getting the entire day's dose in a few hours. If you didn't feel your medication was working for you, that may be why. I have no idea what the side effects could be, but you should probably talk to your doctor about that; there may be a better alternative to not taking any medication at all.

Second, don't let other people control how you feel about yourself. If they're telling you you should do things better or differently, maybe it's more a relfection of their inability to cope with trivial details. Honestly, I'd be happy you were helping with the dishes, never mind the occassional bang! If other people don't understand your frustrations and don't recognize your efforts, that's their problem - let it make them miserable, not you. I know that easier said than done, but don't take on blame for something that's not your fault, especially when you have more important things to think about.

One of those more important things is: what are your strengths (you most certainly have some!), and what are you most interested in at the moment. Next, how do you take advantage of both of those things to make you happy?

Let me give you an example. Let's say you like cooking and you work well in a busy environment. Maybe you're not a spectacular cook, but you enjoy baking cookies, or making soup. You could try a job in a restaurant kitchen. Not a Burger King, but a family-style kitchen, or a caterer. You probably won't be cooking (you might even be allowed to bang pots and pans and drop the spoons in the sink :eek:), but you'll gain exposure to that environment and you can decide if there's someone else's job there that you'd like to train for. Don't take the job with the idea of staying it in for years, just 6 months or so to see if you like the industry. If not, move on to the next interest.

There are many industries and jobs that are like this. The entry level position might not be too hot, but your objective is to explore, not park.

Another way to look at it is to look for work that you can tolerate, but that allows you to do something else you really love but could never earn a living with. My karate instructor lives for karate. It's his whole life. But he's not a business man so he's not been able to make a living with it. So he works at the post office. It pays the bills, it's not too demanding, there's not overtime he doesn't want, and it allows him to leave early enough in the day to spend every evening teaching karate. He's the best karate teacher I've ever seen and his students are devoted to him - and I'm positive he has ADD, though he's never been diagnosed.

School may not be in the cards right now. My firm belief is don't waste your time in school if you don't know what you want to study. Maybe you could take a couple of Continuing Education classes just to see if you like a certain career.... But if you're not ready to decide on a career, a general degree is not much use. It won't guarantee you a job any better than those you hate right now.

Don't be too caught up with having assets, either. Assets are highly overrated! So much to take care of, worry about paying for, worry about replacing, worry, clean, worry. I'm in favour of travelling lightly through life. It's better for the planet, too.

I hope I've helped (though I suspect your parents may not approve of everything I've said ;)). Even a steak can be tough - just take it one bite at a time (though why you'd want to eat a tough steak is beyond me! :)).

Feel free to PM me.

Ciao,

I'm so sorry...I know how you feel in parts of things...mainly college, no matter what you do...it's not good enough, and boring entry level jobs. Actually most everyone I know except people here believe I am college...*shrugs* far be it from me to actually correct them. I don't want to hear the lecture.
I wish there was some magic word or phrase I could say that'll make your day a little brighter, but there isn't. The only way I learned to deal with it is just growing a hard shell to everyone around me.
I've convienced myself as long as I'm happy with me...hopefully one day they will be too. I can't please everyone or even some people, but I can please me...It's taken me a while, but I've learned it's what matters the most...You.

Well, I've been in a similar situation to you, where it seemed like nothing mattered. But always the first thing that helped me get out of my funk was to start taking ADD medication regularly (you say you didn't need to take it regularly but from my experience with medication, you can throw your body all out of whack this way) and what really helps is.... a makeover, I mean a complete, physical, makeover.

.. New haircut, shaping the eyebrows, getting one of those free make-up consultations at the mall (it took me 10 years to figure out what an expert could've showed me in 5 minutes). Start slowly, build up momentum, then eventually get closer to the really hard things... getting in better physical shape, and then the psychological stuff which takes a LOT of endurance to stick with, and a positive outlook, which all the above provides.

I know it sounds as useful as having a cake that's falling apart and hoping that covering it with pretty icing is going to hold it together... but the fact is, you're a person, not a cake, and feeling better on the outside will help you stay motivated to get your whole life back on track. I know how debilitating shyness and lack of social skills can be, I still struggle from time to time, but slow changes have made such a difference in my life. I still get those depressive funks from time to time, but they are so much shorter than they used to be and I've learned how to get myself out.

I guess the main thing I'm saying in all of this is just start taking pride in yourself and the rest will follow! Good luck!

Well, someone already said what I was alarmed by, that you were splitting extended release tablets. Not good. Immediate release, okay to split.

Sounds like you live with a nitpicker and you're not appreciated for what you do. You don't have to stay inside the lines and do everything right and you don't have to hide your feelings. Maybe you need more congenial companions.

V,

Honestly, I think we have all been where you are to some degree - some worse and some not quite so much. It's not fun, it's not a laughing matter - it is very serious.

Have you tried therapy? You have written about it here in the forum, that's good, but do you keep a diary? That is something which has helped me more than most things, even when meds didn't work, simply writing about my experiences and discovering myself through my writing has done wonders for my esteem.

Tell us about your good traits, you have them - you are an ADDer after all! What are your dreams? Doesn't matter if they are profitable or not. What things do you eagerly seek to do, rather than the things you dread? Have you ever thought about a specialized trade school, rather than a normal college?

Tell us those things, spend one posting just on positives, try it just for the heck of it. Then we will have both sides and maybe can direct you further.

God Bless you with love and happiness :)

~Bryan
my ADD Blog www.adderworld.com (http://www.adderworld.com)

V..you have been struggling to get your meds right for so long...I remember that from way back...
it's been a long tough road..
but..you are none of the things you said above ...you are the way you are....and you're caring..and there for everyone..

and here's another cyber hug *hug*
ahh..I'm hopeless writing this stuff sorry..but you know what I mean
hugs xxx

Thank you all for your great replies.

I actuall have been put on cipralex and wellbutrin(sp) I hate both.

I dont need anti-depressants.

Since starting Adderall XR, it totally opened my mind to a new way of thinking.... I realized alot of my random "dreams" and "impulsive, totally outthere ideas" were unrealistic.

but, I always had them... they became my defense mechanism for when life got too hard. I would suddenly hyper focus on some new sport.. or some new interest.. and get so involved in the idea... that it would act as a distraction.. soemthing new to focus.....then eventually as always.. I would start it and never finish it... get depressed about it... then BAM in comes a new and excitinly distracting idea to take its place.

Not only were they unrealistic.. they were irresponsible.

I went through major depression at this realization.... and now.... that I know that it was a childish way to solve my problems.... I'm left with nothing to help me deal with depression.

Its like I need to re-learn how to solve my problems.

I'm having trouble. Its all so new to me.

And the motivation is gone.

Now I am off medications...have problems... and know I cant go back to my old way of solving them.... but literally cant figure out what I am suppose to do now.

I dont know if learning this truth is a good thing..or a bad thing....

thanks for the replies.

Thank you all for your great replies.

I actuall have been put on cipralex and wellbutrin(sp) I hate both.

I dont need anti-depressants.

Since starting Adderall XR, it totally opened my mind to a new way of thinking.... I realized alot of my random "dreams" and "impulsive, totally outthere ideas" were unrealistic.

but, I always had them... they became my defense mechanism for when life got too hard. I would suddenly hyper focus on some new sport.. or some new interest.. and get so involved in the idea... that it would act as a distraction.. soemthing new to focus.....then eventually as always.. I would start it and never finish it... get depressed about it... then BAM in comes a new and excitinly distracting idea to take its place.

Not only were they unrealistic.. they were irresponsible.

I went through major depression at this realization.... and now.... that I know that it was a childish way to solve my problems.... I'm left with nothing to help me deal with depression.

Its like I need to re-learn how to solve my problems.

I'm having trouble. Its all so new to me.

And the motivation is gone.

Now I am off medications...have problems... and know I cant go back to my old way of solving them.... but literally cant figure out what I am suppose to do now.

I dont know if learning this truth is a good thing..or a bad thing....

thanks for the replies.
One thing that I have found is that learning the truth is not always an easy thing and that sometimes it can be very hard to deal with. as Far as having nothing to deal with the depersion with, you have us and can always use this forum as a spring board and venting tool. I can kind of relate to what you are going thru as I have many many issues with depression and trying to find the correct avenue to solve my problems. The fact that you are looking at them is a hudge step in the right direction. It shows that you want to keep moving forward and that you want to improve. Remember we dont alway move as fast as we would want to, but as they say all in its own time frame. keep coming back and letting us know how things are going. Just the fact you did that today has helped me look at some things with me and I thank you for that.

Sometimes you have to close some doors to truly move forward. Don't be afraid to make some tough decisions -- nothing is permanent, but some structure will allow you to flourish.