I've been happily married for 20 years, have 3 children. I find myself flirting with women and can't seem to help it. It's occured with co-workers, sisters-in-law. I seem to develop a crush on them but have never taken it to the next level. At times the feeling was mutual. Is this an ADD trait? The funny thing is that this has only been happening for the past 10 years or so. Why couldn't I have been this way when I was young and single?

It might be a combination of ADD and mid-life stuff.
I've been like this my whole life and I'm almost 50--been married twice.
I've actually gotten less flirtatious but still want to be. I think my meds and diet/supplements have helped me control the urges. I think the "crush" part is definitely an ADD thing. A new person fits that "something new and shiny" to play with intrigue that heightens our focus to almost an obsession.

You'll know it is getting really bad when you see the outline of a person in a car and you think they are smokin' hot when the lighting gives barely a silhouette...only to find out that your brain filled in details that weren't even there.

The funny thing is that this has only been happening for the past 10 years or so. Why couldn't I have been this way when I was young and single?


Maybe after 20 years of marriage you feel comfortable around women?

I've been happily married for 20 years, have 3 children. I find myself flirting with women and can't seem to help it. It's occured with co-workers, sisters-in-law. I seem to develop a crush on them but have never taken it to the next level. At times the feeling was mutual. Is this an ADD trait?

Just left a 19 year marriage over this kind of behavior. My husband took this and stepped it up a level. He was having emotional affairs, getting phone #s and meeting up and hanging out with the women he flirt with. When he was found out it was all about me being overly jealous. I took it for years thinking something was wrong with me. I asked years back for him to seek out help for behavior I knew would one day ruin our marriage.

Oh and he's not ADD .............


Good luck and my advice, if this is bothering you and you love your wife seek out help .

This is publicly viewable forum so maybe more honest answers will be found in the private adult relationships forum. Ask the moderator for a password.

kilt

I realized yesterday that I started medications for antidepression 10 years ago. My flirting with women started soon after that, I can definitely include flirting as a side effect of the meds.

I don't think there's anything wrong with flirting so long as it doesn't upset the other half and you don't take it that step further! does you husband know about this and if so is he ok with it??

You say you flirt with women...hey there's nothing to be ashamed of, I do it too...but when I'm single:p however with any flirtation there has to be boundaries.

I'm not sure if it's an ADD trait as such but it certainly sounds like a curiousity thing on your part perhaps?? and I didn't know that this could be a side affect of medication:eyebrow: ...if that's the case are you actually ok with that???

Selena:)

Actually Selena, I'm a man.

Is it possible that for the last 10 years of your marriage you have been bored? Flirt is one thing as long as you don't take it to that next level. If you find yourself wanting to, talk with your wife about it. Could indicate problems in the marriage you are not aware of.

Oh sh*t.....sorry I just thought by the username you could have been a girl...and I wasn't trying to flirt with you:o...talk about putting my foot in it hey?

Selena:) Actually Selena, I'm a man.

No problem Selena. Lavitaebella in Italian means 'life is beautiful'; I'm originally from Italy. I thought it would be an appropriate user name to remind me that no matter how bad things get with ADHD, depression, all our troubles are worth it for every day there are many great things to look forward to.

It's also one of my all time favorite movies (Roberto Benigni, Best Actor Oscar a few years ago).

It might be a combination of ADD and mid-life stuff.
I've been like this my whole life and I'm almost 50--been married twice.
I've actually gotten less flirtatious but still want to be. I think my meds and diet/supplements have helped me control the urges. I think the "crush" part is definitely an ADD thing. A new person fits that "something new and shiny" to play with intrigue that heightens our focus to almost an obsession.

You'll know it is getting really bad when you see the outline of a person in a car and you think they are smokin' hot when the lighting gives barely a silhouette...only to find out that your brain filled in details that weren't even there.The 'something new and shiny', and 'crush' and filling in the personality details describes me perfectly. When I started on my meds this all stopped, so for me it was an ADHD related experience. I met some fun people (probably all ADHD themselves) but I like it much better now, I can recognize people for who they really are and make better decisions about who I want to hang out with.

Why couldn't I have been this way when I was young and single?

This is one of life's many ironies. Normal feelings. Mid life crisis, you want to prove "you still have it" etc.

Don't throw away your LIFE for a fantasy. Believe me, I go through this and everyone does to an extent, but you need to display self control and not act on it.

If you have to see if the grass is greener and there is no other way or option. You owe it to your wife to make a clean break before you set up something else. My opinion, find a new healthy hobbie before you phuck up what you have.

GOOD LUCK!

Hey all,

I definitely find myself developing a mini crush whenever I meet a new woman who is at all pretty or intellectual. I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship with someone I love passionately and who has become my best friend.

My whole life I've experienced this, I think its a combination of low self esteem driving me to seek validation from others, immaturity- being a shy late bloomer, the strong pull of learning about a new person, and yes, here's the kicker, Thinking that whatever problems have manifested themselves in my relationship won't come up in the new and exciting beginning with someone else, that this avoidance will allow me not to work on improving myself.

Oh and I have ADHD. lol

I think you need to be honest with yourself, look into whats driving you to flirt so much, if its just fun and you're a flirt be honest with your wife, or if its a driven behavior like mine, try to get at the root of it. Good luck. Thanks to everyone, this community is a great thing.

Thank you very much for the great comments and advice to my initial question. I've come to the decision that flirting is something which I am going to do my best to avoid. The small pleasures it brings during the day are not worth the potential issues with a workmate or the potential of it leading to cheating on my wife.
The fantasy of a sexual experience needs to remain just that, a fantasy. If it became real I could never live with myself and probably be disappointed in the experience. Nothing can replace lovemaking with my wife, we have great chemistry.
Peace and God Bless the great people in this forum.

Good for you. In the words of one even more practiced at self-control than we are (in these weird areas, at least) after forty years of study:

“Live long and prosper…” (grins)

--Tom and Kay

I have a friend that is married. We will go shopping and let's say some really hot guy rang us up. Walking out of the store, I'll say, "omg he made me melt" LOL. She never even noticed the guy. I am married as well. This happens to the two of us all the time. She's convinced I am just boy-crazy--and maybe I am, but it's just weird to me how she has "blinders" on.

just weird to me how she has "blinders" on.

Maybe she is simply attracted by different things than appearances.

I have been accused of having blinders on myself but that doesn't mean I am excused from being flirtatious - appearances by them selves mean very little to me I see it as more like an image in a mirror - I am attracted by some thing with in the person that is more or less perceived as energy or frequency maybe intellectually is closer {although not all encompassing of my intended meaning}

Simply seeing a man who has aesthetic appeal walk by does nothing for me at all - not even a twinge but that does not mean I am exempted from feelings of "attraction" - in that area I am no different.

You may be missing some thing you posted on this thread if this is the case then you shall find your response here (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=45923).

The secondary discussion addressing DID was split from this discussion and moved into the scientific section under the new title " Natural Human Reactions vs. Responses to Trauma" so that both subjects could be allowed to develop with less confusion {hopefully}

I am married. And guys dont seem to know this..maybe cuz i am young and wont stop macking :@

Yesterday I got macked on by two guys...both stopped me but i just walked away HAHAH
Today I was walking out of the store some guy walking in said sumthing i didnt pay attention and i was cleaning my car and then he walks out and said wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wowwww wwowww i was like wtf?
I do not ask for this attention nor do i want it so i just walk away

Yes, flirting when married can lead to taking thing even further. People with AD/HD commonly have boundary and impulsivity problems so maybe flirting while married isn't a good idea for a lot of married people with ADHD. There are also many married people who know the consequences and still make the choices too.

As a few of you will notice this thread has been split within an inch of it's life and replaced back into the main relationship forum. I went through the trouble of splitting it a second time because it isn't fair that a majority of ADDF members should have to miss out on a wonderful discussion because a few want to turn it into a academic debate. It is a simple question not meant to be placed into the same category as the meaning of life.

For those members who did contribute a large body of work that isn't here fear not your work has not been destroyed. I respect all the time and effort put into those academic post and I shall put them back into the public area ASAP {meaning tomorrow}

I will notify all members as to the location of the more academic portions of this thread by posting a hyperlink in this thread.. Hint it will probably join the other one in the scientific section because that is where we put post written for deep acedemic, biologic or scientific discussion.

To those of the academic mind set who want to take this subject to a biological scientific debate; I will not be splitting this thread for the third time due to the same members disruption without issuing formal warnings. I do hope this is clear -

If you were not part of the previous disruption then this does not apply to you . . ..

Now a reminder or our initial post

I've been happily married for 20 years, have 3 children. I find myself flirting with women and can't seem to help it. It's occured with co-workers, sisters-in-law. I seem to develop a crush on them but have never taken it to the next level. At times the feeling was mutual. Is this an ADD trait? The funny thing is that this has only been happening for the past 10 years or so. Why couldn't I have been this way when I was young and single?

My apologies Lavitaebella, some time these thing happen.

***Any concerns or questions regarding this moderator note or staff actions should be private messaged directly to staff, this will prevent further disruption of the discussion. Thank you.***

I wouldn't think it's an ADHD trait...it is very common..human nature maybe..??
Taking it any further..or being totally intent to..is not good..
daydreaming..can break the boredom..but keep it in your dreams ;-) (and your pants)

It sounds like you have already reached a perfectly sensible conclusion anyway..your wife is lucky :-)

About the meds, I know a few people that had this side effect from the meds and it can be very serious and damage relationships. Due to it being part of the meds it can be very hard to control. Talking to your spouse about it might help and spice things up a bit? The thing about the meds for ADD ADHD and especially Depression is that they have some side effects that can really distort reality and urge us to do things we might not normally do... plenty of info out there about this sort of thing if you want to research it further... good luck! And hey, you might just be a charmer who has been inverted to long?

The thing about the meds for ADD ADHD and especially Depression is that they have some side effects that can really distort reality and urge us to do things we might not normally do... plenty of info out there about this sort of thing if you want to research

Yea like work????

I would be very cautious about blaming negative behaviors on medications. It may be the medications are doing the job they are supposed to do and the person has yet to learn or adjust behavior appropriately to re-align with improvement in mood and/or attention span.

I know if I were depressed I would not feel like being friendly never mind flirting........so the other possibility is a better mood which would make one more included to be social plus having the attention span to focus long enough to be social may be a good thing or a bad thing depending upon how it is used by the individual.

If it is of concern by all means do talk it over with your doctor don't just take some people's opinion whom you do not even know. An opinion received on the Internet should never be allowed to be used as a reason not to take problems or concerns up with your medical professional who at least knows what you look like. Internet research also needs to be viewed with a healthy amount of skepticism .


As some brought up before {if not in this part in the one split from this thread} different cultures may have different ideas as to what flirting is and the acceptability of this practice.

I do agree with being open and honest with your wife after taking time to be open and honest with self -

Oh yeah meadd, I don't disagree. I took an SSRI and suffered from withdrawal syndrom for over a year and still suffer to some degree. I am talking about symptoms I never had before, ever! But, I went cold turkey and that is not a good thing to do, so partly my fault, but before I stopped cold turkey for a reason. It did improve my mood and ability to do things, but I had thoughts, very frightening thoughts while on the meds and wanted to do things that were totally uncharacteristic of me. I have personally met others who have suffered the same - hence the black box warnings that come with most of these meds now.

I am by no means against meds. Not at all, but there is another side of the story too.

As promised this post is to provide a hyperlink to the academic split off aspect of this discussion. The thread titled "Why do we Flirt" (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=46107) now appears in the scientific section.

Many of you including the member who began this thread will notice that you have identical post in both threads, Your post were duplicated to maintain conversation flow in the secondary discussion {and to see if I could do it :D } None of your words have been changed unless there is edit tag at the bottom which will provide an explanation as to why changes were made.


***Any concerns or questions regarding this moderator note or staff actions should be private messaged directly to staff, this will prevent further disruption of the discussion. Thank you.***

I had thoughts, very frightening thoughts while on the meds and wanted to do things that were totally uncharacteristic of me.

To save others from the same horrible experience if a thought pattern or change behavior becomes a problem this should be brought to the attention of your prescribing doctor - he / she is the only one qualified to determine if things like flirtation discussed in the initial post is due to medication or the lifting of the depression - my only intended point - you and I could be any one and any one can put an information web site It i smy opinion it is better to get medical advice from some one who is educated and legally responsible for the advice they do give.

Most certainly, a medical opinion is a must... always!

Back on topic I can see where ADDer may flirt out of some need for excitement - to scare off the dreaded boredom our #1 enemy - bane of our existence

Hi this is my first post and I don't really know where to start, I am 31 and only just found out I have ADD, maybe this is the wrong thread, i don't know, but I need some help, I didn't really watch that much porn(well a fair amount) but I have been on adult sex/chat sites when I am feeling really low, I try and arrange a meeting with someone, but once I have emailed a couple of people I get a instant release and feel better, this is then followed by guilt ( I was in a relationship), I haven't meet anybody for real but the excitement of sending the emails was enough and I couldn't stop myself, my girlfriend found out everytime and everytime i promised not to do it again, until I emailed a girl I meet while out with her at a wedding, we swopped some photos by email and I said I wanted to meet her (infact I had no intention of ever meeting her but the idea of it was enough), she found out about this too and this was too much and she felt me, now i have lost the love of my life!, I since found out that I have ADD and most of the problems that I have had since a child have been caused by that! I am so angry with myself, what can I do when I feel like this again to stop myself? - so far I have deleted any profile I had to do with sex and now I am so disgused that i feel that I will never do it again, but I had really thought that many times before.,
please go easy on me...... for my first post, many thanks James

Welcome to ADDforums, my 'emergent structure', I flirt, whether I get raped or not... joke.


Nobody, especially us guys here are going to judge you, we are here to support you and I personally believe, emphasis on 'personally believe' that what you are doing is not in the least bit unreasonable, it is fairly common, but I base that on experience (I know women, and have been with women, who are worse than most men).

Guilt is unnecessary, you can't change or undo what has been done and you learn from experience. I don't know if I am making sense but I am attempting to alleviate suffering over events that you cannot control.

Welcome to ADDforums, my 'emergent structure', I flirt, whether I get raped or not... joke.


Nobody, especially us guys here are going to judge you, we are here to support you and I personally believe, emphasis on 'personally believe' that what you are doing is not in the least bit unreasonable, it is fairly common, but I base that on experience (I know women, and have been with women, who are worse than most men).

Guilt is unnecessary, you can't change or undo what has been done and you learn from experience. I don't know if I am making sense but I am attempting to alleviate suffering over events that you cannot control.

Yes but I'm lying to her, and woman don't like been lied too!, maybe things would have been different if she or both of us had known about the ADD first. I think after spending two years with me and the way I live i've hurt her too much for her to keep loving and forgiving me, and knowing that i've hurt her gives me the guilt, thanks for your support thou, I'd glad i've found this forum!!
:) :)

I know but guilt isn't very welcoming to change, you have to get over it before it gets better.

Yes but I'm lying to her, and woman don't like been lied too!,

This is a very important understanding about women - as I woman I could take a guy telling me he has problems with monogamy or flirting Lying I won't even bother trying.


I can play by what ever rules my partner feels comfortable. . . I have had several relationships where we openly see other people. . . no I do not go into gory details about my experiences with other partners but I don't pretend to be seeing a guy exclusively if I am seeing other people. I have to know most guys a while before I want to date exclusively and there are those whom I never feel this desire. I quickly abandon relationships when a man wants me to live by one set of rules while he lives by another. . .

I am not judging I am letting you know there are many boundary options when it comes to approaching relationships honesty doesn't necessarily have to be sacrificed