View Full Version : This sucks!


EYEFORGOT
12-04-07, 02:41 PM
I used to enjoy roller coasters.

I'm fine, I'm up, I'm content, I'm tired, I'm weepy, I'm angry, I'm quiet, I'm good, I'm active, I'm easily irritated, I'm losing my temper, I'm quiet again, then energetic again, then....AARRGGHHHHH!!!!!

And this is an improvement! It was worse before meds. This has been daily for two weeks now. Up down down up up down.

I was fine yesterday. Having fun, being silly, a little lazy. By nighttime I was introverted and glum. I got out of bed this morning grumpy, then I'm happy while talking to my Mom (see? external things make a huge difference) but that changed quickly when the phone is hung up. Since then I've been weepy, sad, glum, ARGH! However! Unlike yesterday I feel like working and futzing about the house. Not because I'm up, but because I feel focused and motivated enough for it, and there's a certain level of guilt for all the time I've spent not working. I'm not any happier, but I don't feel guilty. Otherwise, I'm miserable. And that's after I've counted my blessings. :(

4gotAgain
12-04-07, 02:48 PM
I dont know if I am bipolar yet until i go to the doctors and check it out. I am the same though. I have different moods all the time I cant keep up.
At work I'm always happy outgoing and good with customers and always smiling (maybe a lil too much lol), then when I get home, I turn real glum and introverted except when im hyper, then I charge around the house. If I am hyper and depressed at the same time then i get really really down. A phone call cheers me up too (depending who it is from)
Sorry I dont know alot about bipolar yet but Im still learning. I really need to book this doctor apointment...im scared :(
I hope the rest of the day is better and happier for you and you get heaps of housework done :)

Matt S.
12-04-07, 02:50 PM
I have been in rather bumpy spirits lately myself, today it is a lethargic negative pitiful nothing works out kind of thing and it has stayed consistent, last night I was giddy and the angrier times come in and out. I hate it and think it gets old after awhile. I knoe holidays are a stressor but it still isn't everything with me, I need med adjustments myself, a higher mood stabilizer level and a different stimulant, I try to distract myself as much as I can but that seems to work for the moments.

My manic swing would be sweet right about now but I am sleeping more and more lazy.

I know that this downpour snowstorm we are having in VT is making it difficult for me to leave the house for much more than work, I don't know.

I can relate to it getting old Chel, it is no fun to have to worry about moods being unpredictable and all over the place. You come here though so that should help, I notice that ADDF makes for a good distraction and helping someone else, which you usually do is something that takes me away from me for awhile.

You are a really nice person and I hate to see you suffer, I hope that you keep coming back and posting so everyone knows you are okay.

Hang in there...

Spongedaddy
12-04-07, 02:57 PM
I used to enjoy roller coasters.

I'm fine, I'm up, I'm content, I'm tired, I'm weepy, I'm angry, I'm quiet, I'm good, I'm active, I'm easily irritated, I'm losing my temper, I'm quiet again, then energetic again, then....AARRGGHHHHH!!!!!

And this is an improvement! It was worse before meds. This has been daily for two weeks now. Up down down up up down.

I was fine yesterday. Having fun, being silly, a little lazy. By nighttime I was introverted and glum. I got out of bed this morning grumpy, then I'm happy while talking to my Mom (see? external things make a huge difference) but that changed quickly when the phone is hung up. Since then I've been weepy, sad, glum, ARGH! However! Unlike yesterday I feel like working and futzing about the house. Not because I'm up, but because I feel focused and motivated enough for it, and there's a certain level of guilt for all the time I've spent not working. I'm not any happier, but I don't feel guilty. Otherwise, I'm miserable. And that's after I've counted my blessings. :(
Hello my friend. I am sorry to hear of this event. The thing is that there is not much that can be "done" when we are feeling this way. As you know I too have been going up and down in the inferno. However, as long as we are aware that it is a state of being due to a condition and not our true selves at least there is some relief. I think that focusing on some tasks is a great idea. Even though it doesn't seem this way, our minds can only focus on one thing at a time. If you are focused on your tasks, then it can't wallow in the guilt.

You are not alone. I hope you feel better my friend

~boots~
12-04-07, 03:53 PM
hugs Chel
xx

Matt S.
12-04-07, 10:26 PM
I do a really good cycling team intervention, I keep tabs on everyone so you've got all the support you need with us.

adhdogwalker
12-05-07, 11:52 PM
I was just going through the same thing-- I totally understand. I think that this time of year, the cold weather, and the shortening days is difficult for many who are bipolar. It certainly is for me and for a very close friend of mine who is also bipolar. I was on an emotional roller coaster ride for a bit-- I even started wandering around the park in the middle of the night again. For me, that's a sign that an extreme mood is settling in. I was suicidal, miserable, and really irritable. I thought people were plotting against me, etc. I barely survived the Thanksgiving dogwalking fiasco. I was so miserable, I upped my dose of Seroquel significantly-- I did it because I just wanted to sleep and not think. I suffered through a few days of brain fog (this happens to me 3 days after I up the dose for 2-3 days), but I was in a much better mood. I am actually fairly okay right now and thankful that I have a med that helps my mood a lot. Hang in there-- I tried everything I could think of for years and each year the same pattern would repeat itself. Last year, this time, I was taking a bunch of pain pills (because they calm me down and get rid of my anxiety-- I do not recommend this, just sharing) and drinking excessively. Thank goodness I'm not doing the same thing this year. For the moment, at least, I can think clearly. I remember times when I've felt so lethargic and crappy, even after sleeping 12 hours, that I would drink 12 cups of espresso, to no avail! My limbs felt so heavy I could barely move them. Then, at times, even a few days later, I would wake up and feel as if I were flying and my body seemed to tingle, I felt so good. In each mood, I realize that my entire way of thinking and perceiving the world changes and I can't even fathom existing in another state. It is funny how with each shift, I forget, to some degree, all previous states. They feel eternal at times, but are anything but. Sometimes, I am able to remind myself that the good times are coming, I just have to wait. The one thing that got me through this most recent spell is my crazy dog-- he's a jack russell mix from the shelter and I take him everywhere with me (especially good for keeping the unsavory characters in the park away from me at night). I realize this post is sort of rambling, but I'm good at that! I don't even know if it's helpful, but I, and others here, certainly understand. I always feel a little better when I realize I'm not the only one experiencing these sorts of things. And remember, no matter what sort of crazy thing you do/think/feel, or how often your mood swings-- it happens to others here, too.

EYEFORGOT
12-06-07, 12:17 AM
Not that I would ever wish this on someone else, but thank you dogwalker, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks for rallying the troops mspen. If I could give you a squeeze, I would.

I took a lorezepam last night and didn't go sleep walking. Of course, today, I was very sleepy. I took a nap in the afternoon, then fell asleep again in the evening while watching t.v.. I'm still sleepy.

I woke up this morning very grumpy, very impatient. A friend talked me out of it, which I'm very grateful for. But I went from grumpy, focused and fidgety (impatient and tempermental thrown in for good measure) to peaceful and tired. Didn't I miss a step? Wasn't there a "feel better, still focusing" part in the middle?

To heck with it, I'm taking another lorezepam tonight and off to bed. Maybe tomorrow I can start off with "feel better and focusing" before hitting the tired part so quickly. Thank goodness for friends who know how to make you feel better.

Spongedaddy
12-06-07, 08:31 AM
How do you feel today?

adhdogwalker
12-06-07, 12:08 PM
Hang in there-- it will get better! This might seem odd, but when I'm really depressed, I comfort myself by telling myself that it's better to be bipolar than to suffer only from depression. At least when you're bipolar you don't have to be depressed all the time-- it's just a phase and it's not permanent. Even though the depression feels eternal, try to remind yourself that it's not.

And on another note, I win the big idiot award for posting about how I'm feeling better and things are fine! I'm in a good mood, but I realize things might be going south soon. I had a heck of a time falling asleep two nights ago, last night I took 200 mg. of Seroquel (my current dose). I'm absolutely certain that I took it, because I remember it clearly, but I was completely unable to tell that I took it. It did nothing. I tried, diligently, for 2 hours to fall asleep (the only reason I tried was because my fiance got upset with me about the staying up all night, wandering around the park in the wee hours spell of two weeks ago). I gave up at 2 am-- mainly because I was bored. I then spent the rest of the night putzing around my apartment and worked on the sweater I'm knitting for my dog. I had my usual morning coffee before heading out with the dogs-- more out of habit than anything else. I keep expecting that I'm going to start feeling tired, but I'm wide awake. I'm not more hyper than normal, though, nor am I on a bizarre, frenzied mission. I haven't invented anything, I'm not writing an epic poem, nor am I trading stocks. I'm simply awake. Nothing in my life has changed, everything is normal, I haven't changed my meds, so I can't figure out why this is happening. There is a small part of me that worries that the not sleeping thing is a signal that all hell is going to break loose in a few days. I suppose there's nothing I can really do about it-- I'll just try to remind myself to visit here so I can be sure to hold onto one last shred of reality if I begin slipping away.

EYEFORGOT
12-07-07, 12:23 PM
I hate it when you know it's coming, lurking there, with dread. Is it better to know or let it sneak up and smack us. Wham! Oh, there it is.

Yesterday was fine but I ran out of my straterra. Now I feel awful...panic attack, can't function, can't focus, just sit here and rock back and forth. My only shred of sanity is getting on the computer and this is hard to focus on as well.

How are you today, dogwalker? Sleep yet?

adhdogwalker
12-08-07, 01:11 AM
I'm sorry to hear you're not doing well Eyeforgot. Running out of meds is not fun-- running out of adderall usually doesn't bother me, but I ran out of Seroquel once and I had a rough few days as a result. I had a huge internal war with myself last night about whether or not I should try to sleep. I was still wide awake, but no extreme mood state accompanied it, which made it feel bizarre and unnerving to me. One side of me kept telling myself that something must be profoundly wrong, I just couldn't feel it, yet. The other side was considering stopping my meds completely, because maybe the whole experience might be better without them-- i.e. the mania might be even more fun (it that, indeed, was what was coming). At midnight, I was still wide awake and no fatigue was setting in-- actually, my energy level kept increasing and I started writing a letter to a friend of mine. As I wrote, I felt the momentum building and I really just wanted to give in to it. Eventually, I decided that I shouldn't, at least not yet, so I took a gigantic dose of Seroquel and managed to fall asleep. I woke up this morning and felt fine. I ended up having a psychiatrist appointment today and I recounted the entire experience. I explained that I felt normal, calm, just completely and utterly awake. He explained that, that was a sign of a manic episode beginning. There is a part of me that regrets having decided to sleep last night and the other that remembers how awful the last episode ended up being. It is so easy to forget how horrible things can become when everything feels fine. And so hard to remember that the depression always, eventually, lifts when in the midst of it. My psychiatrist added Abilify to the Seroquel and Adderall to hopefully stabilize my mood, as I realize now I'm far from evened out.

One more thing EyeForgot-- one thing that has helped a bit when in the midst of the depression/anxiety/bleak awful misery is knitting. I don't know if you enjoy such things, but, in those periods, it's the one thing that I can actually do. The repetition and the counting (if doing a stitch pattern) is meditative and soothing for me. It gives me something mindless to do that also keeps my mind away from at least some of what is troubling me. I always make things in vibrant colors, and, for me, looking at a beautiful, rich, color helps a bit (orange is my favorite). Even though I am incapable of doing most everything in those periods, I do get a bit of satisfaction from having created something. I thought I'd pass this along because maybe it would help you get through the difficult times. I have piles of lace scarves, hats, gloves, socks, mittens, dog sweaters from many a dreary winter-- I give most of them away, but there are a few things I like to hold onto. I name them after the event in my life that was occuring when I made them.

Most importantly-- hang in there, and hopefully this time will pass sooner rather than later.

EYEFORGOT
12-09-07, 06:19 PM
A couple of doses of lorezepam and a whole lot of sleeping helped. Though the sleeping is a luxury for a Mom. My kids watched a lot of t.v. but frankly, their Mom being ok is more important to them than how many math problems they got done. We'll more than make up the work.

meriellyn
12-09-07, 06:49 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through this. :( I've been through it way too many times myself.
The couple few months were particularly bad beause I lost my Lamictal and once I finally got more I had to wait for it to kick back in again.
I can't imagine how much harder it would be if I had kids!

Sometimes when I swing downward or get anxious with no explaination, it helps me to remind myself it's just my brain misfiring and I'm able to calm down a bit. Otherwise, I try to attach other things to the feelings and freak myself out more. :P

I knit/craft to cheer myself up as well. But I've been so spazzed out for a while now that I haven't knit a thing in months. :( I did get to go yarn shopping (which always makes me happy) and start some gloves the other day though. :)
I do find that creating things makes me feel a little better when I can't seem to make anything else work. And it can be kinda meditative and calming, depending on the difficulty of the item I'm working on.

Recently I've been making myself feel better by eating up self-help books and writing a lot (something I did years ago but haven't been able to do in recent years so it's refreshing).

Hang in there! That's all you can do, really. Do what you can do and try not to give yourself too hard of a time about it. It'll change again soon, I'm sure.

BTW, how long have you been on your current med?

Spongedaddy
12-09-07, 08:36 PM
A couple of doses of lorezepam and a whole lot of sleeping helped. Though the sleeping is a luxury for a Mom. My kids watched a lot of t.v. but frankly, their Mom being ok is more important to them than how many math problems they got done. We'll more than make up the work.
That's a great philosophy. Getting through the rough times is a top priority. When I read your posts on this I keep think of your avatar saying, "Just keep swimming." Do you have a supprot system at home or nearby besides the kids?

EYEFORGOT
12-10-07, 12:56 AM
My husband understands. He is treated for Cyclothymia. He doesn't know what to do though. Tonight I broke down in tears because I hadn't refilled my Lamictal and didn't have enough for a full dose. Another lorezepam, down the hatch. My psych is gonna love this.

~boots~
12-10-07, 01:28 AM
hugs Chel
xx

Spongedaddy
12-10-07, 07:54 AM
My husband understands. He is treated for Cyclothymia. He doesn't know what to do though. Tonight I broke down in tears because I hadn't refilled my Lamictal and didn't have enough for a full dose. Another lorezepam, down the hatch. My psych is gonna love this.
My wife is the same way sans being treated for anything. She doesn't know what to say. The funny part is there probably isn't anything to say. There is no magic words and when I am gone I do not believe the comforting ones. However, she is great at giving back rubs and that helps me a lot at bed time when I am at my worst.

Hang in there my friend...just keep swimming...